Christmas In Heaven: Grieving Through the Holiday

I kept myself busy these past two weeks. I didn't want to think about Christmas or what it would now mean. I am only now getting to the point of accepting that my parents are no longer here on Earth. They are spending their first Christmas in Heaven with my paternal grandmother who died eighteen years ago this month.

Some days are better. The heavy weight of loss doesn't slam into me then. I don't stress about what I'm going to do without them. I trust that the Lord does have my best interests at heart. I know that he loves me better than I love myself.

I don't look forward to Christmas. I admit this freely. There are some things I just can't do, like put up the tree. I do have one small tree that I decorated but haven't the heart to keep the lights on it. It is hard to even think about gifts either. I feel guilty and stressed whenever I start to think about gifts. I know that my family doesn't expect anything from me. Yet I do want to do something for them. I also long to do something to remember my parents and grandparents. I don't want to forget them like many have.

Someday I will see them again. I wouldn't wish them to come back here to this increasingly dark planet. I know that they are with the Lord. When I remind myself of the Lord's promises I can move forward in his light.

The experts say that the first year is the hardest. I have to agree. My heart does ache with the loss. Yet I wouldn't deprive them of the joy they are now experiencing in the light of God's love. God knows the pain I'm feeling now all too well. He gave his only son that we may have eternal life. It is through Jesus that we are redeemed.

A Town in Mourning: Loss of a Local Icon

I live in a small town on the outskirts of a major city. This small town like many small towns was at one time proudly independent. It was suburban in the way it was run by local officials. The local officials were involved in every aspect of the town making sure everything ran smoothly. They cared about their citizens and always tried to meet their needs. They stood up when evil forces tried to ruin the town. They had a good strong police force and reliable fire departments to help citizens and the surrounding communities.

The mayor of these small towns is considered the "backbone" of the town providing support and encouraging growth. Mayor Frank Kelly definitely filed the role. He provided support and encouraged growth. He also was a champion of historical preservation until fairly recently. He saved the former Collingdale High School building from demolition in 1986. He encouraged the establishment of the Collingdale High School Alumni Association by providing them with a room to store all the treasures of Collingdale in what is now known as the Alumni room.

The very recent loss of Mayor Kelly will leave a gap in the administration that will be hard to replace. There will be some radical changes, some will be very hard to take even though the town has been fading away for a little while. Some will blame this fading away on "white flight".  Collingdale was at one time in the 1960s about 80 percent white with about 20 percent black. Today the percentage is almost, but not quite the reverse. I would say around 70 percent black and 30 percent white. Some will blame the fading away on the economy. Yes, the economy does play a big factor in this. Yet I do see the biggest change in the administrating being the fact that globalization has effectively wiped out the pride of small towns and made them ineffective.

Being Thankful in The Midst of Pain and Sorrow

This Thursday Americans like myself will be celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends. This year will be very different for me and my family though. We will be missing our mother and father. It really hasn't sunk in that I won't ever see their faces again in this life. I keep thinking that one day I'll see them again here on Earth. It's silly. They aren't coming back.

People mean well. They all say that they are in a better place. I should be thankful, but it still hurts. I can't help thinking about how really quick it was. Was it only this time last year that my father felt well enough to eat Thanksgiving dinner? I can still see him struggling though to swallow even then. I really can't recall that last real meal that he enjoyed. I know that Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday.

My mom wasn't a turkey fan. She loved pecan pie though. I made it for her every year until she couldn't eat it anymore due to her teeth. I didn't make it last year, but I did make pumpkin pie. I will miss her sweet potato casserole with the marshmallows. I know my niece will miss the green bean casserole she used to make.

I am finding it hard to be thankful right now. The pain is overwhelming as I try to process that my grandmother, mother, and father are now all gone. Everything is changing as the traditions I cherished are dissolving like snow. Lord, please help me through this veil of tears. Rid me of the feeling of being all alone. I am not alone. You are with me, Lord.

The Sufferer's Holiday-Surviving the Pain and Loss

It wasn't that long ago that my parents were relatively healthy. I can still recall the last time my father stood in front of me and hugged me. I didn't know at the time that it would be the last time. My father wasn't a demonstrative man. He didn't hug excessively. I can also recall a time before my mother broke her hip when she actively participated in life with her baking.

I will miss them. The holidays will be tough without them. I heard it said that this time of year is the sufferer's holiday. I'm not sure if I agree or not. I know that I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year. If I were honest with myself, I'd have to admit that Christmas hasn't been a good holiday for me since my grandmother died in 2001. She died right before Christmas which really put a damper on the holiday for me.

I have survived the pain and loss then. At least I like to think that I've survived. My parents' deaths though have opened that wound. I feel the despair and wonder if I'll make it through. Everyone is telling me that I really need to take care of myself. It is very hard. I do feel like I've been torn in two. This past week it was finally settled that I would take over Mom's estate. It felt final. There was no going back.

I remember how God grieves for me. I ask myself why he should care. Then I remember the redemption story how he came to Earth to die for my sins. Jesus is acquainted with suffering. He feels our pain. That is a great comfort to me. He is no faceless god but a true living God. Thank you, Lord, for your remarkable gift.

The Importance of Church and Being with Your Church Family

This has been percolating in the back of my mind for a while now. It came to the forefront when I was confronted by a member of my family while on a few days vacation. She wondered why I kept insisting on going to church. She couldn't understand why it was important to me that I attend church. At the time I really couldn't explain the urge to be in God's house or why I felt drained when I couldn't go.

She came up with two excuses about why she and the other members of the family don't attend church while on vacation. Both excuses really didn't address the real reasons for not attending church. Instead, the excuses made me sad. I couldn't help but think that many people give the same excuses for not attending. I do think that there has to be a very good reason why you can't attend church to skip it. Maybe I am old school here, but it has been drilled in me that I need to be in God's house on Sunday morning. The only good reason for not being there is that you are very ill. Yet I did find myself missing church because there was no church in walking distance from where I was staying. It did frustrate me but also drove home a point.

Why is going to church important? Is it to fellowship with other believers? Yes. Having fellowship with believers is an important component to growth. It is not the only thing and shouldn't be the first thing. I know that some people believe that church can go on anywhere. They like to quote the bible verse that says when two or more people meet that Jesus is in the midst of them. Yes, Jesus resides in the heart of believers. The problem is that there is a lack of discipline with this type of thinking. People that only depend on what they hear from random sources often lack direction.

A local Bible-believing church is a precious commodity. It provides an anchor in the midst of life's storms. You may see it as only a church building but it is so much more. Your local church provides concrete support in many ways. A good church establishes itself as part of the community at large and has many opportunities for its members to show Christ's love to others. It creates a stable environment where you can get close and learn more about Jesus. That knowledge is why I choose to attend church every Sunday. I long to get close and learn more about my Lord and Savior.

It does sadden me to see so many churches closing their doors. Their ministry has weakened and they lost their "saltiness" to the world. I strive in my own way to embrace the local church and support its ministry.

Headaches and Heartaches-The Gift That Keeps on Giving

I've been overwhelmed and a bit lost lately. I wish someone would have a book on how to deal with assets and liabilities after someone dies. It is extremely difficult to focus on stuff that I know I need to deal with now. Anyone who has been following this blog religiously knows that I've just come out of a tremendous financial crisis and have been struggling for a very long time to find sustainable work.

The fact is that although I'm in better shape than I  was two months ago when I was on the brink of financial ruin, I'm still far from okay. Dealing with the stress of having to find sustainable work while juggling other important responsibilities is no fun. Yes, I know. People are literally screaming at me to do something. I'm trying. Some days I feel like I'm being literally torn apart. The grief counselors say this is normal. I don't feel normal. I feel like running away and forgetting everything.

I know what I want. I want stability. Unstable environments make me queasy. Admittedly right now I'm scared. The heartache of losing the stable presence of my parents has rocked my world. My head is hurting from the many tasks that I've let go and have been pressured to complete. Some have even threatened me with a future monetary loss. I can't deal with this now. I need to step back and make rational decisions about what my new normal will look like and how I will move forward in my life.

I do know that God's got my back. He has been with me all along helping me in ways that I'm only now beginning to realize. Yes, some days I am anxious about what's next for me. The longing for a stable position grows daily. I also know that God's timing is perfect. I do need to wait for his direction and not go off "half-cocked." His gift of salvation is the gift that keeps on giving long after we leave this world. I still question the reasons why he allowed my father to suffer as he did, yet released my mother after a week's time.

I know that he questioned it too. I know that he didn't want to be confined to that hospital bed. He was hoping against hope that he would get better. I knew though that he wouldn't. It was a heartache I lived with for months. Now I can say goodbye knowing that I will see him again.

A Journey No one Wants To Take: Recovering From Loss

I've been noticing lately that many older people are rapidly dying off. It is almost like an epidemic. I heard of two recent deaths in the past two weeks alone. Maybe I'm super sensitive now that both my parents are gone. I don't have that support to reign me in any longer. I can't see my way past this loss. It is a journey I didn't want to take.

Yes, the experts say that the great loss I recently experienced will take time to recover from and move on. My head knows that I do need to move on. My heart though still wants to dwell in the place where my parents were still alive and relatively healthy. I think a part of me longs to rid myself of the horrible images that keep popping up. I can't seem to get rid of them.

I try now to recall the healthy pictures. Right now there is still too much pain. I do want to get past the images of my father being carried out of the house more dead than alive. I also want to free myself from the image of my mother in that hospital bed unresponsive. I can't. The more I try the more these images haunt me.

I imagine that many people have horrible images to banish. It is probably only a few privileged souls that have the luxury of not having to see the consequences of sin. Yes, that's right. I said it. The suffering that I saw with both parents is a result of sin. The blessed ones are the ones that go quickly and quietly. The image is of someone closing their eyes to sleep and never waking up. It is probably the one type of death that we all want if we're honest with ourselves. Yet there are only a few that I know of that had that type of death.

We all tell ourselves that we're in control. We're not. We don't get to choose the death we experience or the way someone we love dies. My father died a slow and painful death. My mother died relatively quickly but no less painfully.

I don't know which one I'd prefer. We don't get to choose. God knows when and where he will call us home.

A Requiem For My Mother

Reading back at the last post, I didn't realize that I hadn't mentioned anything about my mother. I guess I was too much in shock at the time. It did happen so fast without any real time to reflect. Even now my mind still goes back to the last time I saw her alive and moving around. I scratched her nose because it was itching when the doctor left.

I guess I didn't realize or maybe I did but my mind couldn't accept it that it would be the very last time I would get to talk to her and have her respond to me. I know now that she never really adjusted to my father's death. She was very depressed and had no real interest in life. She lamented the fact that she couldn't get out like I could.

If I were honest with myself, I would also have to admit that she was really never the same after she fell and broke her hip back in 2012. The doctors didn't replace her hip right as one leg was definitely shorter than the other by a big margin. I think I only realized this when I was in the emergency room with her that last time. Knowing this now, I realize even more how really strong she was to put up with it for so long. I also realize that I probably would have broken down much sooner and been in a wheelchair. My mom was a real "trooper." She managed to climb the stairs every day and walk to the kitchen. She was highly mobile. I really never had to worry about her.

I do have a lot of my mother in me. My mother's sisters have often confused me for her when I answer the phone. Well, I can't change my voice. I can, however, use it to glorify God. I have my mother's patience and wisdom. I am learning that I do have to be patient and wait on the Lord.

My thoughts are still all a jumble as I recall the times that she expressed her concern for my well-being. I am going to miss that most of all. It was nice to have someone to come home to and to talk to in the evening. My mom was a good listener. She also had a lot to say. She was an anchor and now I do feel a bit lost. I know she loved me.

Love does trump fear.

Still Trying To Process The Radical Changes in My Life

The last time I wrote in this blog I was lamenting the fact that my temporary assignment was over before I had a chance to finish it. The temporary agency called me not long after I wrote the blog to tell me that the organization still needed me. I was really grateful even though my cell phone was sacrificed after being soaked through with the rain. I was extremely fortunate that I still had my Dad's old cell phone. The phone company was able to transfer my number to his phone. Those two days that I was without a phone were brutal.

I'm working at this temporary job until the end of the month when hopefully I'll have something else lined up. I really do need sustainable work to make any radical changes and feel good about them. I am still trying to process some changes that happened over the past week. The pain is still too raw to process it online. There is a feeling of being so overwhelmed by it all.

I lean on the Lord. I know that he has my best interest at heart. I am learning daily to trust him in everything. These changes are scary. I admit that freely. Some days I do wish I could just get away from it all. Right now though I need to stay the course. I can't give up or give in to the fears and doubts that threaten to unsettle me. I can have peace.

Finding Time to Write and Think

I got a temporary job. It is mostly staring at a screen and inputting numbers. I like the fact that I will be getting some much-needed funds. I know that it is not sustainable for the long term. I do need something more sustainable. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Finding time to write has been a challenge for me. The work I'm doing is mindless, but I find I do have to concentrate.

I started this blog last week when I had the temporary job. The work is now finished, not to my satisfaction but they haven't called me back to finish it. It is a good thing. I tell myself. My mother is not doing well. She had gotten used to having me around. I don't know what the future holds. I just know that I can't do what she wants me to do. My financial situation doesn't allow me to be there. I do need to have sustainable employment. Making her understand this is hard.

I realize that I do have some choices to make. I can trust God. I can lean on his strength and wisdom. I can let go of the fear that seems to override any reason. I can leave the situation that I'm in with God knowing that he has my best interests at heart. It's not easy. I'm not looking at any easy solutions no matter what I chose. Sometimes I do wish there were some easy solutions available. Then I guess I would wonder why it was so easy and lose my faith.

I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have shelter, food and internet access. :-)

I also have good friends who care about me.

Putting Things in Perspective-Getting Away From Facebook

Yes, I have to admit if only to myself that I'm a little bit addicted to Facebook. I have checked it at least three times a day, spent hours I probably shouldn't have spent and let myself get sucked in emotionally. It isn't hard to do. Seeing all the pictures and feeling just a little bit important is addictive. I get it.

I recently had a very bad experience that my mind still keeps playing over and over. I have tried to put things in perspective and take everything I see with a "grain of salt" but it's difficult. I can't seem to get away from the facts that I've allowed myself to get lured in.

Facebook does have some good qualities. I can touch base with friends that I haven't talked to in a very long time. I can pray for those who are sick and share the joy with those who are rejoicing. Unfortunately, I did allow myself to overreact and not check my facts before posting them. I got burned big time. It was only when someone actually threatened me that I realized that I was heading down the wrong path. Facebook was putting the ugliness that I wanted to hide out there for everyone to see. I couldn't blame the users who depended on me for accurate information. They used Facebook as a sort of tool.

I didn't completely understand the damage I'd done. I was right, wasn't I? Yet I would have to admit that I may have stretched the truth a bit. I know I've written some things that couldn't be verified but that I thought were true. I let social media dictate what I believed for a time. I can't do that anymore. I do have to get away from Facebook before it takes over my life.

I have started to discipline myself to only get on Facebook for an hour or less every day except for the weekends. I really never go on the computer on the weekends at all. I've also worked on deleting and saving posts, including some that had fiction instead of fact. I will from now on stick to facts. I may lose some people this way. Many do have "itching" ears that only want to hear the negative.

Eventually, I will get off Facebook completely. I'll find another platform where I can put things in perspective and not let myself get carried away.

Patience in A Time of Turmoil: Finding My Way Home

I have to admit that my emotions are still pretty raw. I still keep seeing the pictures of those buildings being torn down without thought. I know I should get over it and move on. I'm definitely trying to do just that. I do sometimes question my sanity. Why should I care?

The passage from today's Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" talks about patience. It says that patience is a virtue and that God teaches us patience. It could be any area of your life right now that God is nudging you to take the time to notice. You might come across the same obstacle and wonder why it is there. For me, it has been the unrelenting issues that I'm having finding sustainable work. It never seems to be the right time. I've had to learn to trust God's timing.

It isn't easy for me to be patient, especially when it seems that the world is crashing all around me. I do struggle daily to find my way home. I do thank and appreciate everyone that has come to support me. Some days are a trial. I do find that I ask myself why I continue to fail. I wonder if I'll ever see the light again. Then someone comes along and shows me that there is a light. I just have to be patient and allow the Lord to work things out.

I do also have to be open to God's leading. I admittedly balk when something new comes around that "rocks my world." I do find it difficult to accept change. That is why I am so grateful that God doesn't change. He is ever present and knows my every need. All I need to do is bring those needs to him.

Patience is a blessing. We just have to ask for it and let it do "its perfect work." Thank you, Lord, for being patient with me while I learn your perfect will for me. Patience in a time of turmoil isn't easy, but the reward is well worth it.

Putting the Finishing Touches on This Chapter of My Life

I am realizing that I need to really focus on finding that elusive job. With my father's death this past May I have taken on some responsibilities that I really didn't want. I have also blamed myself for how things happened with the WAWA project. I know now that I need to let go. I can't blame myself or wallow in self-pity. I have a few more tasks to do before I let go completely.

I am moving forward. I can't wallow in the past but need to make decisions for the future. I know that my financial situation is still critical. I am praying for sustainable work that I can do. I also still need to care for my mother.

I am stepping away from the historical preservation fight for a short while. I do need to refuel and refresh my spirit. I am still very much interested in history and love architecture. I am going to take some time to read some recommended books on the subject. I do need to focus in on the architectural aspects and put them in context with the whole story. I am going to stop making excuses. It doesn't help to say that I can't do this or that.

I am going to remain confident as I move forward with my dreams. I do have hope. I believe that I can do whatever I set out to do. I admittedly struggle to trust the Lord. Yet that is what I must do above anything else. So while I put the finishing touches on this chapter of my life, I keep reminding myself that God is in control.

Radical and Unexpected Change-Finding My Way Back from the Brink

The beautiful white almost century-old building is about to be demolished for a Super WAWA. I could cry but I have no tears left. The borough still doesn't realize what a radical and unexpected change this will have on the community. I am trying to find my way back from the brink of despair. It's hard. I wonder how people could be so greedy and selfish.

None of them see the big picture. They are all focusing on their small piece of the pie. None understand the impact that this is already having on the neighborhood. They don't want to hear. The residents are voiceless.

I don't want to wallow in despair. I am going to avoid that area as much as possible. I pray to God that no one gets hurt trying to cross the new access road or attempting to cross MacDade, Pusey, Collingdale or Clifton Avenues. All four streets are vulnerable now.

There is nothing I can do. I do wish people wouldn't think that I could do something. It is frustrating to try to relate the correct way. I know the borough is going to continue to ignore them. They have been doing it for over a year! It is no way to run a municipality at all. The borough violated six ordinances to put the super WAWA in.

This is not progress. At least it is not the type of progress I want for this town. Lord, I am angry now but know that I must put that anger aside. I got to accept this radical and unexpected change or suffer the consequences.

I will be hard to find my way back from the brink. No one said that anything in life was easy. In fact, most say that life is a continual struggle. I felt that today as I rushed to take pictures of the wanton destruction being perpetrated by the demolition crew this morning. I watched them rip and dig without any thought to the animals buried underneath. It is fortunate that the caskets remained relatively intact.

Many times I did feel my anger boil over. I felt helpless to stop the wanton destruction. So I'll avoid the area as best I can. I find a new route to travel to avoid the area. Maybe someday soon my heart will stop aching.

Accepting What I Can't Change and Moving Forward

Some days it hits me harder than others. I just feel numb. My manner of speech fails me. I just don't know what to say. Today was one of those days. I hate feeling like this. I try to explain what I'm feeling but it comes out all wrong. I feel like my tongue is all tied up. It is frustrating.

I know they mean well. I am trying to hold it together but am failing miserably. Lord, why can't I express myself better? I actually felt my throat closing this afternoon as I interviewed for that position. I do need a job, Lord. I need to be able to contribute and get out of this financial hole I'm in. I knew as soon as I got off the phone that I blew it again.

I can't change the fact that people are depending on me to make decisions. My mind is still frozen. I know I need to accept this new role that has been thrust upon me. Yet it is difficult. I long for someone to step in. Yet I still resist change. My grief is heavy on my soul. I don't feel that I am spiritually lazy, but maybe I am. Maybe I do long for the peace and unchanging stability that I once had. Maybe I am tired of the challenges that life is throwing at me.

I do need some rest. My body is telling me this very loudly. There is the fact that I do need to move forward. I can't dwell in this pit of despair any longer. I can't let money rule me.

I do have to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed by all the changes that have taken place in my life. What do I have to look forward to? How can I open myself up to these changes? Oh, Lord, I do admit that I have let my finances rule me for way too long. I have allowed them to dictate what I can and can't do. I have been a real fool causing undue stress where there shouldn't have been any. I want to change and learn to lean on you for everything. It is hard and a bit scary. It is good to have friends to share things with and talk about you, Lord.

I am slowly accepting what I can't change and moving forward in God's grace and mercy.

Taking Time For Me: Dealing With Stress

It has been a good week for me because I am learning to listen to my body. The tremendous stress that I've been under has taken a physical toll. I have had to take a step back and analyze what I've been doing to stress myself out. These physical manifestations have given me a "wake up" call to start to take care of myself.

I still long for some time away. So I am planning on it. I have obligations, yet I'm realizing that I do need to carve out some time for me. It isn't selfish. I don't have to feel guilty for taking that time off. I know I need it. I do have to trust God that I can arrange it and reach out to others to help. I have had a good support system with my family as I dealt with my father's loss. I know that they will help me when I start to arrange that time away. It is good to look forward to something.

Everyone who has followed this blog religiously knows that I'm pretty much still in financial straits. I haven't been able to find sustainable work for a long time. It hasn't been for lack of trying, rather it has been that I've been needed to care for both parents. I really didn't realize this until fairly recently. I was putting undue pressure and guilt on myself for not being able to bring money in. It has been a slow process to forgive myself and others for the stress that unemployment/underemployment brings. I sometimes felt like less of a person because of my inability to get gainful employment.

I know that I can't continue to blame myself or the current economy for my financial status. I have to learn to accept what I can't change and pray for guidance and strength. I do have to say that I would have never met the amazing people I've met if I hadn't been placed in the situation I'm currently in. They have taught me so much about life and history. I sometimes wish that I had enough financial resources to bolster up the many wonderful historical sites and programs that are available. It does pain me when I heard about the financial woes many historical sites are going through now.

I do praise God for the many opportunities I see on the horizon. I'm not giving up or giving in to those people who continuously throw doubt and fear into the mix. I know those forces of evil would love to shut down these historical projects and tear down the controversial history. I know that money is the root of all evil. I thank God for the resources given to us freely. It is hard to give it all to God, but that is what we must do.

Reflecting on Loss and Moving On

This was the first birthday I celebrated without my Dad. I know we didn't do much. I'm not much of a "party" person but it did feel a bit weird not having him around. People do say that the loss of someone you really depended on will hurt more than the loss of someone you really didn't know. My mother's sister died a week after my father. I never met her.

Father's Day this year was rough. I am grateful that my family rallied around me. We focused more on birthday celebrations with a little time for remembering Dad. I grieved when the video my little brother took was finished. I realized however that my Dad suffered a long time. It was over a year, but the last four months were the roughest as he was confined to a hospital bed. I also realized that it was time for him to go. He had suffered enough. I do recall a couple of times now that he questioned why he was still around. God knew that he had something to do. I was taught some valuable lessons and I think the time spent with my family made us stronger.

I can't say that I'm ready to move on. Grief is a process that sometimes takes years. I know in some ways I do have to move on. I can't wallow in despair or hopelessness. God has blessed me with good family and friends.

Reflections on Life and its Purpose

One of my longtime friends lamented the fact that she was poor. She was frustrated and tired of always having to struggle just to make ends meet. She missed not being able to do some of the things she'd been able to do when she had some money. I can relate. I do miss not having to worry about whether or not I can afford to eat or if I'll have a roof over my head tomorrow.

The economy has been terrible for so long that it's really hard to accept when a small glimmer of light breaks through. Yet I have seen it. I've gotten more face time with more employers in the past month and a half than I've gotten in the past six months! I know for a fact that I have gotten more overall interviews in the past year and a half than I've gotten in a long time. I attribute this to the fact that in some ways the economy is improving. I know that there are many factors that have blocked me from gaining sustainable work. The fact that employers are calling me up even with these factors in place does tell me that the market is improving.

Yes, I am poor in some ways. I struggle with finances and worry about things I probably shouldn't worry about at all. Yet I do have friends and family that really do care about me. The testament of this care is the very much needed funds I received so I could pay some bills and the IRS. The beautiful bouquet that graced the table with my father's ashes touched me deeply. I was also blessed by the lovely plant.

I know that I touched people's lives. I know that the Lord has given me a purpose and a calling. Right now it is to do what I can to save historic buildings from demolition. By saving these buildings and repurposing them for a new use, I am in a small way revitalizing the community. I think my father would be proud of me for taking this on. He was very much a crusader himself, fighting for the rights of the taxpayers who were facing ever-increasing property taxes. He had some good ideas about healthcare reform too. Unfortunately, he fell ill before he could implement them.

Yet I can't help thinking that he did make an impact with the teacher pension issue. The battle isn't over as others have stepped in to fight. My battle isn't his though. My calling is different. I'm fighting the battle over historic preservation and open space.

Memorial Day Reflections

This Memorial Day has been more poignant for me due to the recent death of my father. My father served in the US Air Force from 1956 to 1960. He was stationed in the states during his four-year enlistment. He met my mom while he was stationed at Little Rock, Arkansas. I'm not sure how they met as this was never shared. All I do know is that they fell in love and got married in Little Rock, Arkansas on June 6, 1958. Home movies show my father looking very sharp and handsome in his Air Force uniform standing with my mom. My mom wore a beautiful short, lacy wedding dress.

There is little known about what my Dad was exposed to while in the service. Many service men and women have been exposed to toxic chemicals. My Dad was fortunate in some ways. He was never called to serve in Vietnam. He had never really known what it was like to be unemployed because he was able to take his company pension. Jobs weren't as scarce as they are now for people of a certain age. He was able to dabble in sales and bring in funds. It hasn't been proven and possibly never will be what triggered the thyroid cancer that eventually killed him. I suspect that some of the toxic chemicals he was working with may have had something to do with it.

My Dad served honorably. It was his example that persuaded me to join the service as an airman. I wasn't stationed where he was. I was actually stationed in Hawaii and Washington DC. I am proud of my father's service. He did show me the way to serve with dignity and pride. Thank you, Dad.

A Week In Time: Pushing My Way Forward Through the Pain

Everyone said that the real pain wouldn't hit until this week. In some ways they were right. It has been very hard to get past seeing his handwriting on the papers I've thrown out. It has also been difficult at times to grasp that he is gone. There is a big hole in my heart.

I am pushing my way forward through the pain. I realize that I do have two people that are depending on me to be strong for them. I know I can't shirk my duties or hide in a corner until the pain passes. I have to keep moving.

I have been blessed though with the many messages I received online. It has been eye-opening to realize how many people really seem to care about me. Sometimes I feel unworthy of that attention. I have been on autopilot for so long that it is only now that things are starting to break. It isn't easy. I still want to scream but I hold it in.

Everyone goes through the grief process differently. I watch my mom and know that even though she is not openly weeping, her loss overwhelms her. I don't know how to answer people anymore about how she is doing. I don't know. I think in some ways she is still processing the fact that he's gone. She also feels that it was a blessing that he didn't die at home. There was a fear that it would happen. I didn't want that to happen either.

I still don't know what the future holds for me. I am currently deeply involved in my community with the society. We're at a crossroads. It does seem that whatever is going to happen will happen in August. This time of the year, unfortunately, has been one that has seen a lot of changes. I remember clearly when two of the officers resigned. It was painful then. What will this August bring? Only the Lord knows...

In Memoriam-A Death In the Family

My heart feels heavy as I write this blog. My father lost his battle with cancer on Sunday. My last memory of him is not a good one. Seeing him gasp for breath, listening to the suction machine and watching him literally waste away before my eyes are not the way I wanted to remember him. It was God's will though. God knew that I would have preferred tucking him away in a nursing facility. Yet nowadays nursing facilities appear to be the last resort. It is only if you have enough funds to place the person in one or that person has no one at home to take care of them.

Yes, I admit that I was angry. I wanted to scream, "It's just not fair!" I actually lost control a couple times in January and February. Right now all I feel is numb. I don't want to remember my Dad in that hospital bed gasping for breath. I don't want to remember Dad unconscious and being carried out for the last time. Yet those images are my memories now.

I do struggle to get past those horrible images. I tell myself that he is home with the Lord. I tell myself that he is not suffering now. Yet here I am. What can I say? I loved him. It was the only reason why I got over my anger and took over the household duties. Dad knew that Mom just wasn't capable of doing it. My older brother wasn't able to do it either, at least not by himself.

I can be grateful though for all the support my family has given me. Lord knows that I needed it. My financial situation is still very bleak too. I go back now after a brief mourning period to find work to sustain myself and the two people that are now depending on me. I don't know what the next months will bring. I can't think that far ahead. I just need to take this one day at a time.

A Time of Respite and A Bit of Hope

It has been a little while since I last wrote this blog. I have been busy attending meetings of a newly formed organization. I've also watched my father deteriorate right before my eyes. It hasn't been a very good sight and one that has really taken its toll on all of us. Thankfully the hospice team finally agrees that it is time for some respite care. It will be good for Dad to get some rehabilitation as well. It can't be good for him to be stuck in that hospital bed.

This gives me a bit of hope. I can get excited about the possibility that this condition could get better with this respite. I can also have some time to really evaluate things as they stand now. I've gotten some good job leads too. Lord knows I do need some sustainable work. If I can do it remotely, it would be ideal for now. I would like to get out of the house though. It is hard for me to see him deteriorate so much.

I am still weary. There are days when I feel the world is collapsing all around me. I want to get off the treadmill that seemingly drags me down. Lord will provide is still my song. I have to continue to believe that. It is hard when you look at empty cupboards wondering where my next meal will come. I also feel quite helpless when I heard my Dad struggling to breathe.

Praying for a bit of hope in the midst of a disaster.

Pulling Back From The Edge of the Abyss

It's been almost a month now since I last wrote this blog. I've hung out in a severe crisis mode which stifled my voice. I'm still feeling run down. I wear my weariness like a shroud. It is hard to even think. Someone is praying for me now. I can feel it.

Both physical and financial situation is still very bleak. Yet I have been blessed even in this state. I can still praise God for what I do have. I can be renewed like an eagle flying high.

I do feel sick when I focus on the world around me. So many are hanging on the edge of the abyss waiting for something to happen. Someone knows my struggle. There is a light. I can't see it now. I can't lose hope. I must hang on.

I am weary, Lord. My family needs your healing touch. I know that something has to give pretty soon. Lord, your word is true. I know that you will provide for all my needs. It is so hard to trust you. I am being foolish. I can't give into my fears. I have to believe that you won't let my worst fears become a reality. You will establish a stable environment for me and my family. You will provide for us financially with sustainable work. You will heal my father and mother so they can praise you and bring glory to your name.

You are pulling me back from the edge of the abyss. I don't have to stay there. I can move forward and bring light and hope to my community and the surrounding communities. You give me the resources I need to succeed. I just have to believe it to receive it. I have to close my eyes to the negative forces that are threatening to pull me down. I need to embrace your holy word and live for you. You are my King and Savior.

Finding Beauty in the Ashes/On the Way Back from Oblivion

I don't recall a time when I really felt together. It has been a long hard road for me. I feel so tired at times that I can hardly keep my eyes open. Will I ever find that happiness? I just don't know. It is clear that there has to be some light at the end of this tunnel. I can see it but dimly now. I struggle as I pull myself up from oblivion.

There is some beauty in the ashes. I catch glimpses of it as I search for meaning. Lord, I admit that I don't know even where my next step will be. I don't know what to do. Look for the positive they say. I hear them. My mind tries to process the information. I feel frustrated and so alone. Where is the light?

I see glimmers of light and dark. My situation isn't as dire as I thought. Daylight is breaking through the darkness. Yet here I sit contemplating the darkness. I marvel that the Lord Jesus would embrace the darkness for me. He knows me. He snatches me from oblivion and sets my feet on solid ground. I begin to understand the sacrifice. He finds beauty in ashes.

It seems appropriate during Holy Week to reflect our purpose. Jesus has a purpose. His purpose is to save mankind. It is good to contemplate this sacrifice and embrace the meaning of Easter. We do find our purpose in Christ Jesus. He gives us a mission to spread the Good News. You can be saved. You can find your way out of oblivion. I have to believe this. I do have a purpose and there is meaning in my life.

Looking Up From the Well of Despair and Reaching Out for a Lifeline

It has been one of those weeks. I'm realizing that my situation is not good at all. Hope is fading for me to find any meaningful employment that pays me. I'm looking up from the well of despair with time ticking very loudly in the background. I feel my time is very limited here. I am grateful that I still have this house, but for how long? Three months? Six months? If I'm really lucky, maybe a year.

I have to admit that I'm scared. My housing situation is very precarious now. I don't know if I'll have the privilege of living in a home for much longer. I may be stuck living in an apartment soon if I can get one. My greatest fear, which is rapidly becoming a reality, is being homeless. It is a very real possibility now. I can no longer pretend that things are rosy. I can no longer pretend that things are going to be okay with me. They aren't.

I am struggling now trying to reach out for a lifeline before my "boat" sinks in the ocean. I just don't know where to turn. Looking up from the well of despair I can see a glimmer of light but it's too far away for me. Lord, I ask daily, why are you allowing me to sink into this well of despair? Is what I'm going through with my current situation going to benefit anyone? I need that lifeline now. I need that person to come alongside me and offer me a way out of this deep, dark pit.

I don't want to be poor. I hate it. I miss being able to purchase what I need to survive. I hate depending on others and seeing the resentment in their eyes. I loathe the looks on people's faces when they find out how poor you are. No one seems to understand. They just want to criticize you. Oh, Lord, I need a chance. I need someone to take a chance on me and hire me. Is that too much to ask? I'm desperate. Yet I know you see me even now in this pit. Answer my prayer, dear Lord for sustainable employment so I can continue to live if it's your will in a stable home and not an unstable apartment building.

The Season of Lent: Finding Beauty in Ashes

There are many articles and blogs on Isaiah 61:3. It is interesting to read the different interpretations of the verse. Every author brings a different "take" or meaning. I was at a meeting earlier this evening and this verse unconsciously came up in my mind after the meeting. One of the members chose to focus on what he calls the "Elephant story." I heard the story at least three times already but have yet come up with a focus.

Yes, I do agree that people do look at things in different ways depending on the information they receive. I also do agree that a lot of what we perceive is dependant on our physical understanding. Some people, like myself, are very visual. We like to see things in the physical realm. Others are more tactile. They see the object, but really don't take any meaning out of it. They have to touch it physically for it to be real. Then there are those that refuse to believe even though the evidence is right in front of them.

The season of Lent is a season of reflection. It is also a season to focus on God. I am beginning to understand a bit more about why the Lord has me where I am today. I need to bring the stabilization to those who desperately need it. I need to be able to open eyes to see the beauty in the ashes of a decaying community. I can't do it alone. I need the Lord to come alongside me. He has to be my focus.

As I ponder the questions that swirl around my head about the current state of our world, I often also wonder how I can focus on what's important. Our importance does come from God. When we realize this, we are doing wonderfully.

We can find beauty in ashes. Sometimes it just takes that rough road to truly understand.

Finding Meaning and Purpose in Life-Moving Past Crisis

This week was better than last week. I'm slowly but surely moving past the crisis that threw me for a loop. It is too easy to criticize when you're safe and secure in your own little world. You can even say that you should have done this or that. I know that I am doing the best that I can now. I can't listen to those people who find fault with what I do. They don't know me.

It is difficult to find meaning and purpose in life when you're in a crisis. You feel stuck. You are overwhelmed by all the choices. You feel frozen in place. Yet you know you do have to move. You can't stay where you are forever.

Last night I listened while the planning commission pleaded for partners. I understood that they were willing to just let it go. I have a good feeling though. I can't explain it. Someone is going to come and create something beautiful here. Someone will find meaning and purpose in their life by restoring this old building. I feel excited. I haven't felt this way for awhile. The Lord is going to work here, and it will be a miracle.

We definitely need some miracles. We need to start feeling secure again and stable in our environment. It is a long time coming. We just have to believe.

What will be the miracle? The miracle for me will be to see all these communities working together to create something beautiful. I believe it can happen. We can have vibrant and active communities without sacrificing ourselves to the globalists. We can establish a unique community, one that embraces good changes.

Lord knows we need some good changes to reverse the mindset most people carry about our communities. We need to be actively promoting good changes and help people reach their potential. We need to move past this crisis and grow from it, instead of wallowing in it.

Still in A "Pickle" but Seeing Some Daylight

I'm finally starting to get a good handle on my current situation. It helped that the pressure is off to perform a task I'm just not able to do. I do have to admire my sister and brother-in-law in the way they have come around. No, the situation isn't ideal. Yes, there are still many things to do that I still haven't done yet.

I am in a pickle because I do have limited resources available. Time is ticking. The nightmare of being homeless hangs over me. I have to fight the despair daily. I do see some daylight. All is not lost. I can see that the Lord is using me here to help others who are going through similar situations. I do have to keep reminding myself that I'm not alone.

The horrible week is almost a fading memory. The ramifications of what happened to us linger. It will be sometime before everything sinks in and a new direction is formed out of the ashes. I can survive this. I just have to remember that God is in control, not me.

I can praise God even in the midst of this heavy trial. I know that I am not alone. I do have the support I need to move forward. Yes, my financial situation is still very dire. Yes, I feel a little helpless because I can't give my parents the support they need. I sometimes feel very guilty. I won't give in to despair as some would love for me to do.

I admit that caring for two people is very exhausting. I am weary, yet I continue because I have no choice. At least I don't have a loving choice. Some would say that I should desert them in their time of need. I can't and I won't do that. They need me. I need them. I admit that it is very hard to see them deteriorate. Some days I wish for a magic wand. Other days are special. I am privileged even though I am still in a "pickle" that I'm not sure how to get out of now. The daylight is faint. I can hardly discern it in the murky horizon. Yet it is there.

An Horrible Week and Settling In for the Worst

When I last wrote this blog I was facing a family crisis. My sister and brother-in-law ganged up on me a couple of times threatening me with expulsion for not doing what they asked me to do. They couldn't understand my reluctance and fears. They still don't. It is irritating that they are making this out to be something that anyone can do. They just don't understand the risks.

I do want to talk to the doctor and get as much information as I can. I do believe that I was rushed to make a decision that could have severe repercussions. It has been a horrible week. I've only been able to manage things the past couple of days.

I'm settling in for the worst. I know that I need a clear head for everything that I'm going to be dealing with right now. In one way I am glad that they decided to take on the dreaded task. I do wonder however how long they can last or what happens when my loved one takes a turn for the worse. Will they still be there to pick up the pieces? The risk does increase each passing day, even though my loved one appears to be better.

Tonight was a little test. They passed, but what about the next time? I still feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation.

Ugly Thoughts and Trying to Make Sense of it all

It was another really tough week for me. My family is still not listening. I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall. Ugly thoughts are surfacing as I try to make sense of it all. I am angry and very frustrated. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to go through this.

I do want to scream. Satan's wiles surround me. They want to lure me with false promises. I can feel myself being torn apart. Yet I know the Lord is still with me. He will not abandon me in this fiery trial. I can lean on him. I don't understand why all this is happening. Maybe I never will...

The Lord is my strength and my refuge. I have to remember that when I feel my world has turned upside down. I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe that my family's situation will change for the better. I want to believe that the Lord won't give me anymore than I can handle.

It is hard. I am struggling with fears and doubts. I am poor. I am unworthy of God's love. I have no right to ask anything.

I try to make sense of the desperate situation I'm currently in. I question why I am stuck doing something I detest. Why will no one listen to me? Am I being selfish for not wanting to go through this? I am having ugly thoughts. They weigh me down and steal my joy. I don't remember the last time I really laughed. I don't remember the last time I looked forward to something with anticipation. Yet I continue on.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:3 (KJV) When I read this verse I realize that he could have been talking about me. I feel very poor in spirit. I daily struggle with forces that want to sap my strength.

Struggling To Survive: Finding Meaning In Life

I've been going through a family crisis. I am struggling to survive. Satan is alive and well. He wants to make me miserable. He wants me to doubt my resolve to see this situation through to the end. Yes, I am admittedly tired. Yes, sometimes I do feel so alone. Yes, it does seem that it will take a miracle for this situation to resolve.

My family just doesn't understand. They are pressuring me to give it up. They say that I'm unfeeling and callous. I'm not. I do care. I can't do what they ask me to do. I won't feel guilty. I will keep moving because if I stop....then I might as well be dead. Seriously....Satan wants me to give up. He wants me to feel guilty about my work. He doesn't want me to succeed.

Please don't get me wrong. I do love my family. Unfortunately sometimes it is impossible to make them see that this work is meaningful to me. It is something that I've been driven to do. I know this is true. Yet I get so frustrated trying to make them see this.

My work is the only thing keeping me sane. It is the only thing that drives me to get up in the morning. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am obsessed with this historic preservation work. I can't help thinking though if I didn't stand up and make people aware....who would? I will continue to fight as the Lord gives me strength. He knows my needs. He knows my family situation. He will provide. I know this because he has done it. I am finding meaning in life with this work. I don't want to go back to what I was before. I am trusting the Lord.

A New Year has Dawned: Courses of Action

Yes, I wrote that letter that I talked about in my last post. It didn't turn out the way I envisioned it would turn out. I was going to ask a series of questions but ended up just stating the facts. I don't know what good it will do. I felt that I had to do something.

My next step is to write up a petition. This will be a new adventure for me. I'm no lawyer. I know though that what the borough plans to do is just plain wrong. If no one calls them out on it, then it is assumed that everyone agrees. This is not the case. I was there in July. I saw the upset and angry faces. I heard the calls for appeal. It wasn't time yet. The borough had to be given opportunities to fix the plan. It didn't happen.

I can get really upset if I keep dwelling on it. There are more important things to focus on. I need to play this the right way so no other building gets demolished without better due process. I am still very stressed about my current financial situation too. The threat of not having any money for food is scary. I guess they expect people to starve....:-(.

My parents don't understand. I have tried and am still trying to find work that I can do. Retail work is not for me. I can't stand that many hours. I'm not a people person and close up when someone confronts me. My preferred jobs are the back office kind of jobs. I have been thrust into this leadership position because it is needed. I know that there is no money involved here. I'm not getting paid for what I'm doing. Yet I can't help but do it. I am driven by the love for my community.

I can't sit back. Yet I pray for support in these endeavors. I do need funds. There are tasks that I just can't do without funds to back them up. So if you're following me, my needs are:

1) Steady work-I need a job where I feel that I can contribute but won't overwhelm me.

2) Support and guidance-I need direction if I'm going to pursue a career in historic preservation.

3) Stability-A steady and passive revenue stream that will help me gain some stability so I can serve my family and meet their needs.

I know the Lord knows these needs and the desires of my heart. He also knows the fears that keep me up at night. I do pray that I gain steady employment this year so I can get out from the arms of the government. I also pray for support and guidance for my life's direction. I am selfish, but a steady revenue stream would be great...