Reflections of the past year-Learning to lean on God

Christmas is now past. I can't say that it was a particularly good one for me. It was nice to have all the family around, yet as I was pelted with flying wrapping paper (A family tradition that I wish would go away) I had the feeling that somehow I missed something. Maybe it was because I'm so very burned out and stressed by my current situation that I'm not thinking clearly. I know that for my family it was been one of those years full of joy and sadness all mixed together. We welcomed a new member of the family in May-Aubrey Rae. She is a real joy. Her laughter rings out and her smile lights up the room. Then there's the cold hard fact that I've been unemployed longer than she's been alive. I just have to look and reflect on that and my stomach clenches. The only thing that has stopped me from going into a deep well of depression is my work on my book and the publication of it. I know that I can't lean on that. I know that I have to lean on God.

When I reflect on everything that has happened in the past year, I realize that God has a purpose for this time of unemployment. It was only when I became unemployed that I was able to really see the need around me. I understand now the pain and suffering of those that have no resources, yet are expected to gain employment to somehow survive. I've seen the faces of the many disenfranchised whose only recourse seems to be to "pound the pavement" looking for a job...any job. Yes, I've been that desperate. One of my relatives is also looking for work, but he isn't in the same desperation mode as I am in. He's younger and in a good field. He's already got some part-time work which is a good thing for him.

Some days I do struggle to lean on God. I don't understand why I'm still struggling to find meaningful work to do. Other days I can see some light at the end of this dark tunnel. I'm praying for a stable job, not one that will require me to pay my own taxes...unless of course I decide to go out on my own and start a small business. That is a thought I've been tossing around lately as my job search has stalled and I've gotten totally burned out. I know I have to seek God's direction in this. I can't go out on my own.

Trying to hold onto the real meaning of Christmas

Yes, we all try to hold onto the real meaning of Christmas every time we see something or hear something that depresses us. We tell ourselves that Christmas isn't about gifts, it's about the ultimate gift of God's son coming down to Earth to save us from our sins. One day, hopefully and prayerfully soon, we will be with him forever. Sometimes that's a scary thought. Most of the time it's a freeing thought. No longer do we have to be bound by the shackles the world tries to bind us with or threatened with scenes that spoil our dreams. We can take a hold of the precious promises the Lord gives us daily.

We can thank God for his son and for the life that he brings to this dark world. It is his miraculous birth that we celebrate each year. I know that I have to remind myself that the real meaning of Christmas is that God is with us. We don't have to be afraid or desperate enough to take anything that comes along. God has something better. It's hard to believe sometimes, especially when time is ticking down to the last moments of the year and we feel that our choices are becoming increasingly limited. Will he bless us?

Yes, he will bless us if we only believe and trust our conscious mind to go the way the Lord leads us to go. I have been praying for the Lord's leading in many areas of my life. I struggle though with decisions that I must make soon. I feel as if my head is splitting in two with all the choices. I fear I'll make the wrong one and regret it for the rest of my life. I know that the only way I'll find peace is to let go and let God handle it. His timing is perfect. Mine isn't.

Holding on to the hope of Christmas in a dark world

Yes, I've decided to hold onto hope this year. Everyone around me may try to take that away from me, but I'm not going to let them do that. Instead I'll look at the positives of what's currently happening. I know God's timing is perfect even when it seems as if everything that can go wrong does. We all learned from the time we were young not to give in to despair, but instead embrace hope in whatever form it takes. At this time of year that hope usually takes the form of a baby. When you reflect on the innocence of a tiny baby and marvel at its tiny hands and feet, you find hope. That tiny person holds hope in his or her tiny fist.

I watch my niece Aubrey as she explores her new world. Her bright inquisitive eyes study her surroundings. What will the future hold for her? The doomsayers tell us that she has no future. I don't believe that. I believe that God has a special plan for her life.Just as he has for everyone of us.

The Lord strengthens me through the Christmas season as we remember the lost ones who bring nothing but joy and peace. The Lord motivates me and encourages me in times of need. He brings me and my family hope for the future.

How do we hold on to the hope of Christmas when it seems like there is no Christmas? We hold on because God sent his son to die for our sins...thereby giving us hope for eternal life. We hold on because our focus isn't on ourselves anymore but on others. Yes it is a dark world and a lot of ugly things happen. Yet there is light and it's brighter than the sun. We can remember the Christ at Christmas time because things can get ugly fast if we don't remember.

Coming up from the depths of despair and finding the true meaning of Christmas

Another really rough week, but am still holding on. I know that I'm going through this heavy emotional trial for a reason. Yet sometimes it still feels as if I'm in the depths of despair. There are many like me, especially during this time of year when everyone is expected to be joyful. I know in my case that it's very difficult due to a number of factors to be happy. I struggle daily with the forces of evil and lean heavily on the word of God to see me through. It's in the word that I find the true meaning of Christmas.

It's funny how sometimes when you least expect it, you learn valuable lessons such as patience, endurance and love for one another even when that person is unlovable at times. For example, my mother came home on Friday disabled from her injury and not able to walk very well. I had to be patient, knowing there wasn't really much I could do for her except fix meals and clean up. Not being able to do the things she had been able to do before made her cranky. I had to put myself in her shoes and endure seeing her in such a state. It hasn't been easy, but will be worth it in the long run.

Right now I need to focus on what my next steps will be. I have a lot of decisions to make soon as far as housing and finances. I pray continuously for God's guidance and wisdom. I thank God for his son who came to save us from ourselves and release us from the depths of despair. His precious gift of sacrifice for me is undeserved but is so appreciated. I think that is the true meaning of Christmas...that unselfish act of love.