Reflections of the past year-Learning to lean on God

Christmas is now past. I can't say that it was a particularly good one for me. It was nice to have all the family around, yet as I was pelted with flying wrapping paper (A family tradition that I wish would go away) I had the feeling that somehow I missed something. Maybe it was because I'm so very burned out and stressed by my current situation that I'm not thinking clearly. I know that for my family it was been one of those years full of joy and sadness all mixed together. We welcomed a new member of the family in May-Aubrey Rae. She is a real joy. Her laughter rings out and her smile lights up the room. Then there's the cold hard fact that I've been unemployed longer than she's been alive. I just have to look and reflect on that and my stomach clenches. The only thing that has stopped me from going into a deep well of depression is my work on my book and the publication of it. I know that I can't lean on that. I know that I have to lean on God.

When I reflect on everything that has happened in the past year, I realize that God has a purpose for this time of unemployment. It was only when I became unemployed that I was able to really see the need around me. I understand now the pain and suffering of those that have no resources, yet are expected to gain employment to somehow survive. I've seen the faces of the many disenfranchised whose only recourse seems to be to "pound the pavement" looking for a job...any job. Yes, I've been that desperate. One of my relatives is also looking for work, but he isn't in the same desperation mode as I am in. He's younger and in a good field. He's already got some part-time work which is a good thing for him.

Some days I do struggle to lean on God. I don't understand why I'm still struggling to find meaningful work to do. Other days I can see some light at the end of this dark tunnel. I'm praying for a stable job, not one that will require me to pay my own taxes...unless of course I decide to go out on my own and start a small business. That is a thought I've been tossing around lately as my job search has stalled and I've gotten totally burned out. I know I have to seek God's direction in this. I can't go out on my own.