Ugly Thoughts and Trying to Make Sense of it all

It was another really tough week for me. My family is still not listening. I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall. Ugly thoughts are surfacing as I try to make sense of it all. I am angry and very frustrated. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to go through this.

I do want to scream. Satan's wiles surround me. They want to lure me with false promises. I can feel myself being torn apart. Yet I know the Lord is still with me. He will not abandon me in this fiery trial. I can lean on him. I don't understand why all this is happening. Maybe I never will...

The Lord is my strength and my refuge. I have to remember that when I feel my world has turned upside down. I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe that my family's situation will change for the better. I want to believe that the Lord won't give me anymore than I can handle.

It is hard. I am struggling with fears and doubts. I am poor. I am unworthy of God's love. I have no right to ask anything.

I try to make sense of the desperate situation I'm currently in. I question why I am stuck doing something I detest. Why will no one listen to me? Am I being selfish for not wanting to go through this? I am having ugly thoughts. They weigh me down and steal my joy. I don't remember the last time I really laughed. I don't remember the last time I looked forward to something with anticipation. Yet I continue on.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:3 (KJV) When I read this verse I realize that he could have been talking about me. I feel very poor in spirit. I daily struggle with forces that want to sap my strength.