Accepting What I Can't Change and Moving Forward

Some days it hits me harder than others. I just feel numb. My manner of speech fails me. I just don't know what to say. Today was one of those days. I hate feeling like this. I try to explain what I'm feeling but it comes out all wrong. I feel like my tongue is all tied up. It is frustrating.

I know they mean well. I am trying to hold it together but am failing miserably. Lord, why can't I express myself better? I actually felt my throat closing this afternoon as I interviewed for that position. I do need a job, Lord. I need to be able to contribute and get out of this financial hole I'm in. I knew as soon as I got off the phone that I blew it again.

I can't change the fact that people are depending on me to make decisions. My mind is still frozen. I know I need to accept this new role that has been thrust upon me. Yet it is difficult. I long for someone to step in. Yet I still resist change. My grief is heavy on my soul. I don't feel that I am spiritually lazy, but maybe I am. Maybe I do long for the peace and unchanging stability that I once had. Maybe I am tired of the challenges that life is throwing at me.

I do need some rest. My body is telling me this very loudly. There is the fact that I do need to move forward. I can't dwell in this pit of despair any longer. I can't let money rule me.

I do have to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed by all the changes that have taken place in my life. What do I have to look forward to? How can I open myself up to these changes? Oh, Lord, I do admit that I have let my finances rule me for way too long. I have allowed them to dictate what I can and can't do. I have been a real fool causing undue stress where there shouldn't have been any. I want to change and learn to lean on you for everything. It is hard and a bit scary. It is good to have friends to share things with and talk about you, Lord.

I am slowly accepting what I can't change and moving forward in God's grace and mercy.