Happy New Year

It is hard for me to believe that I've been writing this blog for four years now. I started back in 2009 as a way to stretch myself as a writer. I decided to focus on time as I've always had a certain fascination with time. I still remember my seventh year quite vividly because it was the year I felt that I visited twice. The first time I experienced things no one else remembers experiencing...such as the fact that there was no Apollo 13, nor was there any 13th floor in any building built. The second time Apollo 13 and the averted tragedy did happen and there actually are 13th floors. Can you guess what year it was? Should be fairly easy....

In some ways I am looking forward to 2014 and in other ways I'm not. I do want to get another book published this year...and am looking forward to seeing it in print. Being viewed as an outcast or a fugitive because of something I'm against on a personal scale isn't something to look forward to in the next year...but it is what I and maybe thousands of others will face. Can we stand against it? I'm not sure. I lean on the Lord and pray for his guidance and strength.

Making the best out of an increasing hostile work environment

It's been a month now. Things are not getting better. In fact in some ways they are getting worse. I don't know what to do. I hate to "rat" on the "ladies" because I know I'm as guilty as they are for this present situation. I know I could be more open and willing to submit. Yet this is the very thing I rebel against, especially when I'm distracted and I've had on average 6 hours of sleep.

Sometimes just knowing that you have to do better helps. You have to take a deep breath, assess the situation and pray. I realize that they are just as frustrated with me as I am with them. We've reached a kind of impasse.

I can be grateful for the job...that there is money coming in now. Yet every day I question if it's really worth it. I haven't been able to answer that question yet. This document management nightmare has to end soon. It wouldn't been so bad if the documents were being actively used. They are not. They are taking up space. There are boxes everywhere.

So how do I make the best out of this increasingly hostile work environment? Continue to be nice even when you feel like snapping right back at them. Wait on the Lord's leading. He will lead you out of there, if that is what he decides to do. Take a deep breath and a step back....I am still too close to the situation. Thank God for the little things and let him handle the big ones.

Swimming in Deep Waters-Trying to keep my head above water

The new job is not working out at all. I should have got the message when the person who hired me kept asking if I still wanted to pursue it or not. I didn't. I thought at first it was only because I've been away from the job market for so long. I know now that it really isn't that. I feel like I'm swimming in deep waters here. I know I desperately need this job, which is the only reason I took it in the first place. Yet now, I'm seriously thinking that I made a grave error. It's hard to keep your head above water when you see no place of refuge in sight.

I don't like my co-workers because they make me feel nervous and small. I hate their choice of music which wears, distracts and disgusts me at times. I don't know why I'm there. They don't seem to need me as much as they complain about having no time off. I don't think I should be feeling that I really want to leave and get another job this early "in the game" but I do.

I can't even think about Christmas....and sadly enough I'll be glad to have the two days off we'll have next week even though I won't get paid for it. I tell myself that this is only temporary....and prayerfully some job that is way better suited for my talents and abilities will come along very soon. I just don't know what I'll do if it doesn't. The way I'm feeling now, I don't think I'll last here until the new year. It's that bad. So how did I get into this situation? The way most have....through no fault of their own...and desperation.

Desperation jobs sometimes work....I was desperate the last time I was unemployed....and I met a good boss who really supported me...and other good friends. This time, however, I don't see that happening because I think I managed to alienate everyone.

I need guidance and help to get me out of this difficult situation. It will take a miracle...and I don't know if I can believe in miracles.

Adjusting to Life....being thankful

I could have sworn that I wrote something last week on this blog. It has been a very hectic week though, so I may not have. I am adjusting to my new job. It hasn't been easy. I've had to carve out time for things I used to do. It is a good thing. It is nice not to have to worry about where I'm going to get money to live on. I am thankful that I have this job. I tell myself that this rocky week is just that....a rocky week.

I can get excited about upcoming events. I can push forward hoping for the best...or I can let the bitter people around me bring me down to their level. They are also adjusting to me. Right now I can see that they want to get rid of me. It's understandable. I am not the person they were looking for when the search came for this position. I'm not comfortable around them. They are not comfortable around me.

Am I going to let someone else dictate how I'm going to live? No. I do have some control. I will not let others control what I think and feel.

Time to be Thankful

Yes, when I reflect back on this year I realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my family and friends who have seen me through a dark pit of despondency and desperation. I am thankful for a roof over my head, food on my table and relatively good health. I am thankful for God who loves and provides for my every need.

I still have a long way to go. There are still obstacles in my path, some are scary....others not so scary. I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. I have support coming to me from all different directions. Yet sometimes I forget this. I have to be reminded that if I follow God's will and let him lead me, then I will see his glory shine in me. If I don't, then only I suffer for it. God doesn't punish me like I deserve to be punished. Instead he beckons me to follow him, let him lead and lay my burdens at his feet.

With God, nothing is impossible. I can be thankful for the life he's given me to share with others, the opportunities he's given me to serve others and for the many people I've met during this year of discovery. I am looking forward to next week when I will be introduced again to my new co-workers and start another journey. I do have a good feeling about this new job. I am thankful for this opportunity to fulfill a need.

Seeing things through another person's eyes

You never really understand things until you look at them through someone else's eyes. It is difficult to relate to them when you are only concerned about your own well-being. I have had to relearn this lesson a number of times. In some ways I am a slow learner. Some would say that it is human nature to care about filling your own needs before you turn to supply someone else's needs. Yes, I do agree with that statement. It is a lot easier to fill your own needs than it is to fill someone else's needs. Yet this is exactly what you don't want to do. It's selfish and self seeking to focus only on how you are going to fill your own needs. If you instead look outward, studying the people around you for what their needs are...then amazingly enough you will fill your own needs as well.

I've seen this in practice. Finding out what someone needs really isn't that difficult. You must first decide that you are going to take your eyes off your own situation. Worrying about all the bad things that could happen to you only saps your energy anyway....so why worry? Next, you should be open to listen. Listening skills can be learned. Good listening skills will help you define what the person needs and you may be able to provide. You will find some interesting stuff when you decide to shut off the "noise" and listen to others. Let the person know you're listening by: repeating what they said, asking questions and commenting on the words. Don't interrupt them while they are talking. It is rude...and makes the person lose their train of thought.

Write down what you plan to do and share it. Make sure they understand where you are coming from and ask for clarification of anything you don't understand. Once you do this, on most occasions, you can genuinely see through that person's eyes and resolve their problems.

Finally, step back and enjoy the colors of autumn. Their beauty is fleeting. Remember that when you feel like giving up on the human race.

Thanking God for family and friends

I've been going through a really rough trial the past year and half. Some of what happened is still clinging to my soul. It has changed me. There is no denying that. I realize that I can't go back to the way I was a year and half ago. There are things that I learned that I won't forget that readily. I don't want to forget them. I also don't want to forget to thank God for my family and friends. Without their support, I don't think I'd make it through this life sane.

I know that I've had to step back, reevaluate what's important and hold onto it. There were times and still are when I feel like giving up. The naysayers tell you that you'll fail. They tell you to give up before you even try. Then someone who knows you offers encouragement and help. They tell you that you can't give up. They tell you that even if you do fail, that you will be able to get back up and try again.

Sometimes my mind is overwrought with everything that I still need to do. Yet when I step back, take a deep breath and listen...I find that my mind is perfectly calm. I cherish my family and friends. I realize that often I snap at them for no reason...and I marvel that they don't (thankfully) snap back at me. I am still learning not to take in everything at once...the way this world seems to want you to do....but to take things in piecemeal in manageable chunks.

Keeping Positive when everyone around you wants to bring you down

Yes, I had one of those weeks. You do try your hardest to remain positive about the increasingly dire situation you're now in. It's not easy. You wonder from day to day if there will ever be a light to see by. Some days all you hear is the negative things which makes it hard to stay afloat in the restless sea of life. Other days you can see something in the distance, so you move towards it. Weights of fear and doubt drag you under the waves. You can't breathe. You can't even think straight...Then it happens.

Someone comes alongside you, seemingly out of nowhere. He or she steps in when you feel like you're just one step away from succumbing to the negative forces surrounding you. You know he or she is from God because everyone else wants to see you join them in the morass of despair and hopelessness. Only God can rescue you from that pit of despair that threatens to overwhelm you. You know this.

Yet something inside wants to rebel. How can you keep positive when there is nothing to look forward to in this life? Do you really have to suffer while everyone else is seemingly happy? Are they really happy though or is it just pretend? You ask yourself this daily as you struggle to make sense of the increasingly difficult trial you are going through. Why can't I be happy? Why must I struggle so? What has righteousness and purity have to do with anything? When will it all end?

Ah...I do know these questions very well. I know that God has a plan for me, and that there is something to look forward to in this life. I may not see it now, but someday I will. I can keep positive because God loves me, and he provides for me daily. Sometimes I do suffer because of my own stubbornness and pride. Sometimes I suffer because others don't understand why I take the stands I take. Happiness is a state of mind. I tell myself that I choose to be happy. I can let the difficult trial I'm currently in wreck me or I can grow and learn from it. I don't know why I struggle so much at times. I guess it's because sometimes it's difficult to see what God has in mind for me. Righteousness and purity are values I strive for in my every day life. I want others to see God through me. It will end soon....I wait anxiously for the Lord's return.

Living in these Last Days-Does anyone have a primer?

Christians have a tough time accepting that the now accepted norm of the society around them is to subsidize everything including sexual preference. Non Christians don't understand why the Christians refuse to subsidize sinful practices. They also don't understand understand why some Christians are balking at signing up for subsidized healthcare. They can't see what the end result will be. I have a very strong feeling that we are living in the Last Days mentioned in the book of Revelation. Too many signs of this are appearing everywhere you look. For instance, most of the developed countries (not all) have what they call government healthcare which in essence means that all of your information is gathered in one place, including your health information.

I don't want to scare anyone with the information that is now really plain for all to see. But....it appears to me that there's only a tiny little step to be taken for some entity to control every aspect of your life all over the world. The technology is here now. The countries are lining up for what is touted as free healthcare or what I call controlled healthcare. It should scare you to think that you can be shut out of basic services for standing up for your beliefs. Yet I fear this is happening now....in the very beginning stages.

I'm not alone in this feeling. I sense that this will be ten times worse than it was in the 1940's when at least a fortunate few had some refuge and resources to go to and escape. With this new technology (which has been around for awhile) there is no refuge for those who dare to stand up for their beliefs. It will be fairly easy once every human being is "cataloged" in the database to persecute those that refuse to take the "mark"...(biochip technology now available) to get the healthcare, food and shelter they need.

I need a primer. How do you deal with people now that call you unpatriotic in your refusal to bend to their will? I can't fathom right now what will happen in the future and what my role will be in bringing light in the darkness. All I can say is that we all need to be prepared to be persecuted if we continue to stand for the high moral standards set out in the Bible.

More and more as days go by, I eagerly wait for the Lord's return and pray that I'm worthy of his great love for me. I also pray for those non-Christians around me. They are in for a rude awakening.

Trying to stay afloat in an increasingly hostile world

There are little signs that things are starting to look up. Yet it is hard. The pressure I'm feeling now from all sides is enough for me to want to completely shut down. The world isn't what it was when I was young. Back then there wasn't as much stress. At least it didn't seem that way. I didn't worry about whether or not I'd be able to keep my house or have enough to eat. I didn't worry that my personal information would be assimilated all over the Internet for everyone to see and steal. I didn't worry about being alone with increasingly fragile people that need my support now.

I am trying to stay afloat. That isn't easy. Everyone wants to take you down to their level. They tell you that things will only get worse, and that you can't depend on anyone else. They don't know God. In their eyes, he doesn't exist. You can't tell them that he's there, because they can't see him. They are increasingly hostile to those who try to bring light into the darkness. They love the darkness, even when they are complaining about things that don't matter.

I do trust the Lord. I know that he is working through me. I know that he is leading me through some dark passages now. My eyes are open, but it is hard. My heart hurts when I see all the stuff that is happening to those around me. I feel helpless. Yet I do know he sees and hears everything.

He knows my daily struggle to lean on him, and not on my own understanding. I know that I must be strong and courageous, but I would love someone to come along side me...and tell me that I'm on the right path.

Does anyone care about history?

Low attendance at the last four meetings has me a bit concerned. It's nice when all you want to do is socialize. It's not so nice when you want to do more. I don't know what to do. I know my concerns are legitimate. Unfortunately I can't seem to get enough people interested. Some say that it's the steadily deteriorating enviromment that we now live in. My hometown now has a bad reputation. Some would even say that it has become part of the the big city 3 miles away....just as urban and as dangerous. Others point to the fact that the citizens that used to live here are now either dead or have "flown" to greener pastures.

What does history tell us about these small towns? History tells us that they were once viable and growing. It also tells us that people once took pride in their towns. There are those of us who heard the stories and want to see that growth again. How do we get past the indifference that most exhibit towards these small towns? I don't know that either.

Only the Lord knows whether or not we'll last the year or not. First years are often the hardest. You hit rough waters with people unwilling or unable to participate. There is only so much you can do on your own. If God isn't in it, you will definitely fail....and that's a fact.

Why can't people learn that lesson? Why does every generation end up making the same mistakes over and over? How is it possible that history is doomed to repeat itself?

I know people refuse to listen to God...They would rather listen to their fears.

Yes, I am a quitter.

You're probably thinking "Wow! what a statement to make!" Yet, admitting that sometimes the best thing for everyone is to quit is often the hardest thing to do. You want to justify yourself. Beat yourself up. Ask yourself why you did it. I've done all that this past week. The only explanation is that I couldn't continue with the sham. I felt like I was lying to the person on the other end of the line...and I was. I was also lying to myself, telling myself that I could do it...when I knew I couldn't.

Yes, I know that some drill in your head that you shouldn't quit. I believe that circumstances dictate this action. You need to weigh the good and the bad before leaping. You can't just quit on a whim. It may have seemed that way to my employer. I did give them that impression when I wrote that "I was not suited for the position." I wanted to say more, and maybe I should have said more. I was stuck. I didn't want to badmouth them for their strict work environment. Some people thrive in such an environment. I don't. I didn't want to complain about the barriers put in my way which irritated me.

I have been giving serious thought to contracting out my services....ie: putting myself out for both admin and document management services. It does seem that I'm not going to get the experience most employers are clamoring for if I continue on this road. Then there the sad fact that the government is in the same quandary that I'm in....trying to decide to go the easy, unmoral way or take a stand for morality.

Seeing past the clouds and trying to reach for the light

Two weeks and counting...no money coming in yet. I really hate this job. Yet I can now see from the people around me that they are making the best out of a bad situation. You really have to see past the clouds of adversity to know what's really happening. Sometimes though this is hard to do. You have to take a deep breath, hold it and let it out slowly...then and only then does the sky above clear.

I remember my brother's wedding day vividly. It was a beautiful clear fall day....a bit warm...but not hot...just like today. He just celebrated his 8th wedding anniversary today. They are facing some clouds in their horizon now. Money just got tighter for them. Being still relatively young, the light will shine quicker for them. Old eyes dim too quickly. Old hands struggle to reach the light.

I am feeling my age today. My eyes have been acting up, and I attribute that to the long hours I spend staring at the computer screen. It really can't be good for me...yet my job seems to require me to do so. Just like the government now seems to require you to literally "splash" your most intimate personal information all over the Internet! Gosh....what is the world coming to? I don't want the government to have my personal information and I especially don't want them nosing in and telling me what I can and can't do with my own body!

I am surprised that so many people are embracing this. I have to ask myself why...Why do you want the government to know everything about you? Isn't it enough that they know how much you make, where you work and the color of your hair and eyes? Do they really need to know about your body and what doctors and hospitals you use?

I am trying to see past these clouds of government dictatorship and control. It's very hard. Lord knows that it is in his plan. I don't understand it now....this soon coming together of the world's resources....and the eventual rise of what the Bible says is the Anti-Christ. He is, I suppose, my contemporary...and is even now prepping to take over the world. I feel his time is very soon. So, I must urge you to reach for the light now. Time is growing short.....

Feeling drained but happy

I had a very successful event Saturday which left me drained but happy. When I first thought of having a history day, I didn't realize how much work it would entail. I was also hoping for more people to step up and volunteer. No one did. I shouldn't have been surprised at it. I know I am not one to volunteer for anything. I have to be asked to do it. Yet I can be happy that I had the right people helping me. Lisa was amazing. Sometimes I wish I had her energy.

I also started what I'm calling a desperation job on Monday. All of us have them. Those are the jobs you take when there is nothing else out there that you feel you are qualified to do. I hate phone work, yet this is the very thing I'm doing. I need the money, even though it is about a dollar less than I was making at Kelly Services in 2003. I keep praying a job that will pay me what I need to make to support myself and my family will open up soon. I'd love to have an office job....9 to 5...Monday through Friday. People tell me that it's not possible anymore...that people are working all hours of the day and night.

I'm not feeling up to going back tomorrow. I know I must. My present situation is too precarious for me not to go in and earn that money.

Preparing for greatness and living for the Lord

It's funny sometimes when you think that everything is coming up roses, only to find that you've been looking at the wrong flower pot. As some of you may know, I'm a student of history. I like to find out new things about people, places and things that have been around for a while. In some sense, it is almost like preparing for greatness or discovering a whole new world that you never knew existed. It's also funny when your enemies are extremely interested in what you're attempting to do for your community, only to find out the only reason they're extremely interested is that they long to find something on you that they can press. I know in my case, it is because of my stand in regards to sexual immorality. I've made myself pretty clear that it's unacceptable to me and I won't tolerate it.

Yes, I admit that this is a very unpopular stance...but if I'm living for the Lord instead of me...then I need to take it. I don't want people to think that I'm cold. I do pity those who are even now falling prey to the lies that swarm around them like bees to honey. They have no moral compass.

I guess that is why I emphasize the church so much...because they are supposed to be the beacons in a dying world. It is the churches that hold out their hands to those who are suffering. It is also the churches where there are true believers that suffer for their faith.

I think we all need to prepare for greatness and reach out. Only when they see us living the life the Lord wants us to live for him, will they really see the truth.

I should be happy that I now can look forward to a paycheck

Yes, that's right the long stretch of unemployment is finally over! I got a job. You think I should be dancing in the aisles, but I'm not. The thing is I settled for something that I'm not really that good at so I could have money coming in. Yet I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing to cave in. She did call me just when I knew I needed money coming in. A lot of it is just nerves. I do feel like I am selling myself short. That's not the way you're supposed to feel...is it?

Even my father is getting into the act now....telling me how he failed at a similar job...sigh. I am grateful for this opportunity. I still have the feeling that something big is going to happen...that someone will notice my work with the historical society and what I'm attempting to do for the young people in my school district and hire me.

It would be nice to be asked to be a program director...maybe...at least $40,000 a year with benefits....and have the satisfaction that I'm helping a whole generation of young people discover their past and connect with the future. Is it a dream of mine? Yes, I have to admit that it is now. I couldn't have imagined it even a year ago, but with what I learned from the historical societies and their needs, I believe that the time is ripe for someone to be able to coordinate the efforts of the existing organizations through both new and old technologies and get more young people involved in local history. There is so much to do...and so many fields that history touches...that the possibilities are endless.

Facing down the "tiger" of depression and dissolution

I have a feeling that something is going to break for me soon. I've had to face my greatest fears lately, one of them being the prospect of being homeless. I've also had to watch the slow deterioration of my loved ones knowing that I really couldn't do anything about it. Most of us from time to time have had to face those "tigers"....You know the ones. The voices that tell you that you should just quit, lay down and die. I am reminded of Job's wife when she told Job to do just that. Job didn't pay attention to her. He wasn't about to start blaming God for his predicament..I know I shouldn't either.

Yes, I have known the feeling of dissolution when I see what is currently happening all around me. I understand the anger and frustration all too well. They are "tigers" too. They spring when you least expect it and don't let go. We can learn a lot from the animal kingdom in the way they fight for survival.

I know God isn't going to let me go. I know that he has something big planned for me. I pray that I'm equal to the tasks God puts before me and I praise him for everything he has given me. I have no reason to complain or to wallow in a pit of despair. I need to face down that tiger that leads to depression in the power God has given me. I know that I can't do it in my own strength.

Lord is my anchor and my shield. With him everything is possible, without him nothing is possible.

Putting it all together while trying to remain sane

As many of you know who have been following my posts, I have been unemployed for a year and half now. Circumstances beyond my control forced me out of my last position, and unfortunately forced out a number of my co-workers as well. Some days it is extremely difficult to remain sane while dealing with all the obstacles that have blocked my path towards gainful employment. I can justify this gap. I have been working steadily since April 2012 on Collingdale History. I have published a book on Collingdale in November, and started a blog called "Collingdale History Project" in May 2012...partly to promote the book and partly to get the information I couldn't get in the book out there. At one of the book signings, someone mentioned having a museum in the borough. This triggered the thought of having a historical society.

I was, by the time January rolled around, ready to change up my job search strategy. So the idea of having a historical society sounded like the perfect solution for me. I would research colleges and universities for history courses, connect with a couple of professors at the local colleges and connect with the Pennsylvania Historical Commission. I made many good contacts, but no job leads. It did frustrate me at first. I was, and still am desperate for work. I then realized the tremendous need there is for people to discover and dig up the history of Delaware County. The people that are doing it now need help. They have done a tremendous job, and the fact of the matter is that they all have a passion for it....if they didn't...than they wouldn't be doing it because it is all volunteer work.

I am still in the process of putting this all together and trying to find if there are any job opportunities for me in this field. I haven't found any yet, and that too is frustrating. So, I concentrate on putting together the History Day and hope that there is a good response to it.

Scary thoughts, and how to deal with them

Yep....I've been kicking around these negative thoughts for far too long. They are dragging me down and making my life miserable.How do I deal with them? I have asked myself that question this past week when I felt the world crashing all around me. First I repeat to myself over and over that God is in control. It helps. I then refocus, taking my eyes away from the evil that threatens to undo me. I refocus on the good...which is still there. It's in the face of a baby girl who smiles at you when you push her on the swing. It's in the laughter of children ringing through the air. Yes I still have those scary thoughts about what I'm going to do now that there's no money coming in. God knows this. He knows what I need. I just have to keep trusting him to provide.

Some days I do want to hide. I am very tired of fruitlessly searching for that elusive job and competing against thousands. I want to scream, but I don't have the strength. Then I realize that I am working. I just not getting paid for it. I have about 3 or 4 projects running right now. I know that there is a good reason why I'm still "pounding the pavement" after all this time. It's because I needed to be free to work on these projects which are very important to the preservation of the past and for the education of the young. I do have some goals, both short and long term, that I'm setting out to accomplish. Some would say that I'm doing it so I can show an employer that I haven't been sitting on my hands collecting unemployment. Yes, that is part of it.

You always have to justify your time. It isn't enough to say that you have been actively job searching....and only an idiot would say that they haven't been. I am still fighting against time. I really don't know how much time I do have before things get really dicey for me. I cherish the time I have now. I embrace my supporters and cheerleaders who see my struggle and want to help. Some do, but unfortunately some just make my situation worse.

I know I have to deal with them. It's hard to tell them that they are the source of my scary thoughts. They have closed their ears. They don't understand. I grit my teeth when they open their mouths. I am reminded of Job's three friends. They didn't understand either. They sprouted empty words and made Job's situation ten times worse. Yet, like Job, I forgive them.

It's a see-saw life...One minute you're up, the next you're down

Yes, I admit that I'm really struggling. I know my Mom is trying to help, but she's only making things worse. I want to work. Every day I do one thing that will push forward my efforts to find that elusive job before "night" falls. Time is pressing....I have only a few more weeks before I have to start taking a desperation job. Everyone knows what they are....those are the jobs you hate doing, but they are the only ones available for someone whose has been away from the job market for too long. It isn't fair, yet I can see why an employer wouldn't want to take a chance on me. I'm a risk.

It does "tear me up" at times...and I can understand why some can't handle the enormous stress that the long term unemployed face on a daily basis. Hearing conflicting reports on the job market doesn't help. You start feeling guilty that you are putting the people you love through it. Some, again understandably, consider ending it all...which in some strange sense would eliminate some of issues...but not all. Whenever I get to this point, and I admit that I have. I think about the people that still depend on me and would be devastated by the loss. I also realize that God has a plan for my life, and it would be foolishly stupid to "end it all" no matter how bad it gets.

Yet, in the midst of this ongoing struggle to find work, there are small victories. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel the support and encouragement of the people around me. I know God is working through me, even when it seems as if I'm spiraling down in the depths of destitution and despair. I hold onto the fact that God is sustaining me and will sustain me through this trial. I will be stronger and better able to serve those around me when they see how I leaned on God for his strength and not my own.

Good friends make life sweeter, Best friends make life bearable

I do have some good friends, some old and some new that lift me up. I also have a best friend who is always there for me. Time seems less of a burden when you share things with friends. They sometimes know you better than you know yourself. They can see what you can't. They support you when you're unable to support yourself.

Friendship is different than fellowship in two important ways. A friend sticks closer than a brother, so the saying goes. A fellow doesn't...for the simple reason is that you can have fellowship with someone without really knowing anything about them at all. You have the same goals and objectives, yet you don't necessary share everything with that person. A friend however gets to know you, is interested in you and is willing to sacrifice their own well-being for you. In turn, you are willing to do the same. That why I like that fact that we have a friend in Jesus, not a hollow fellowship.

I'm not bashing fellowship, because some of the best friendships develop through fellowship. You have to get to know and trust a person before you become friends with them....Much like you have to get to know and trust Jesus before you become friends.

I can say with all honesty that Jesus is my best friend. He is the center of my existence and makes life bearable. Without him, I would have no life. With him, I have abundant life.

Weary and worn....longing for home

I thank God that the heat wave finally abated, but I'm weary. I feel worn out. Too many worries press themselves around me. Sometimes I just feel like burying my head in the sand. I long for my eternal home. I don't want worry anymore about my dwindling funds, what I'm going to eat, if I'll have a roof over my head a month from now or if I'll still be free to do what I need to do.

I know I do have to stop focusing on my own needs. I get myself in trouble with that a lot. I can't see the people around me because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. I can't do that anymore. Honestly there is no reason why I should continuously harp on my current situation, dire as it is. No one will listen.

I know what I need to do, but I feel so weary and worn. I can't sleep. I know God loves me, but I also know that he expects me to reach out to others and tell them. I struggle with this daily. How can I reach out to others? God's word also said that their ears will be closed to the old ways. They will not listen. Yet I must press on, just like I am with this job search. Somebody...somewhere needs someone like me with my unique talents....Here I am....is what I need to say....not no...I can't do it. Seriously? You can do this.

I just want to go home.....to my Heavenly Father. I stay because he wants me to stay.

Is this what appears to be a worldwide heatwave God's Wrath?

Yes, I have been reflecting on this since I saw the posts on Facebook of the very high temperatures all over the country with reports of very high temperatures in other parts of the world. It does make me wonder...what if it is God's Wrath? What if he did decide that one of the ways he would unleash his wrath is through a worldwide heatwave. It is interesting to ponder when we also consider that most of the world has turned their collective backs on the One who created them. Would it be any stretch of the imagination that God would do that? No. Yet I still believe that God is merciful. He is not a God who would punish people unjustly....God is Justice personified in his son, Jesus Christ.

I believe that this current heatwave is just a foretaste of what those who continue to stubbornly reject God will be subjected to throughout eternity. It should be a wake-up call for those who are still on the fence as to whether or not they will follow God or man. Believe me....I would rather follow God than man.

For some of us, it is also another sign that the time of his returning is very near. I anxiously await his return while praying continuously for the people around me. I am noticing more and more the suffering, pain and confusion of the mentally and physically challenged, the destitute and those who have been disenfranchised by the current government. Yet I don't fault the government for their condition. I know that there are good people in government that work very hard for them and for all of us. They are the unsung heroes that quietly work miracles in the lives of those they touch. I do thank God for them.

Will this heatwave break soon? Yes....but what have we learned from it? To be prayerful and to reach out to others with God's saving grace before it's too late.

God is Amazing!

Yes, you can say that I've been totally "blown away" by God's blessings in my life. My situation hasn't really changed from last week. I'm still seeking gainful employment...Yet I'm realizing every day that there is a good reason why I'm still struggling like this. I'm also realizing that I'm really blessed by all the Lord has given me. I shouldn't be complaining when there are people all around me that are really struggling. I should instead be helping them anyway I can. I am learning very slowly to take my eyes off me and my situation and focus instead on everyone else. Once I do that, I find that people are pretty amazing.

So, I am...again very slowly....redefining myself. Instead of wallowing in a pit of despair, I decided to move forward and trust that the Lord has the right position for me. Part of that trust is to do the things that seem strange or hard to do. I know. You say to yourself..."I can't do that! God wouldn't allow that to happen!" or the favorite of mine..."Why should I?"

Yes, I do know that all the psychiatrists say that you need to focus on positive things, not negative ones. They are right. You do need to focus on the positive. Negative thoughts weigh you down, make you older and sometimes ruin your health if you let them.

That's why I'm amazed by God's love for us. He doesn't give up on us when everyone else does. He's my provider, my comfort and my shield. Oh, how I wish people's eyes would be open to his love! It is a love beyond our understanding. He has blessed me by sending his son to die for me on the cross. He didn't have to do that. He could have left us on our own and helpless against the Evil One. Oh, I do thank you, Lord for saving me and bringing me into your kingdom. May I be worthy of your love.

God is in control

How often I forget this! How often I need to be reminded that I have no control. He does. It doesn't help to get angry or upset at circumstances I have no control over, nor is it wise to ignore what the Lord is teaching me through them. I know I still have a lot to learn about life, about love and how to be like Jesus. I have in the past week or so mulled over the definition of sacrifice. Sometimes I do feel that I've already sacrificed a lot in dealing with a mentally challenged brother, two elderly parents and the pressure of not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Other times I know I haven't sacrificed nearly enough, and that makes me feel guilty. I see the people on the street and shudder. I can't help them. I can't even help myself. Yet the face of a young woman with tears streaming down her face haunts me. So does the face of an older woman whose fate is to go on welfare because she can't learn the new technology.

Then the numerous other unknown faces of all those who will be left out in the cold once the new mandate of the healthcare law goes into effect in October haunt me. I feel helpless until I remember that God is in control. He will make a way for me and for all those others to be free of the electronic shackles we've been placed in. He will lead us home. I pray constantly that I would be worthy of him....that I would please him....that he wouldn't say to me...depart from me....I never knew you. That would to me be the scariest thing of all....to have God say  "I never knew you"..and be lost for all eternity.

My heart aches for all of those caught in the lies the media and the government unknowingly spread. They don't know. Their hearts are closed. I realize that now....I didn't before. So I pray that their hearts will be opened somehow and they would know Jesus for who he is...the Son of God.

Feeling like a Time Warrior fighting against time and space

Strange title...right...but true. Yesterday the hospital sent me another outrageous bill for services they didn't perform. When I called them up, they told me that they were right. What I wouldn't give to turn back time, stop my next door neighbor from taking me to the emergency room and let myself bleed! If I had known then, what I know now....I would have run to the store, got bandages and left it alone. I know what you're thinking....boy, would that have been foolish!.....I know I did the right thing, but am still angry because I had no recourse but to go...then they literally "soaked" me....ruining my credit and any chance of getting employment...THANK YOU!!!!

I do feel that I'm standing on a ledge staring out into space waiting for the end. Yes, I know there's a reason why I'm going through this fiery trial. I know that it has really opened my eyes to the massive corruption and greed hospitals and doctors operate in. Yes, I know that there are good hospitals and doctors out there that won't charge you exorbitant fees for little service. I don't know where they are.

I know there is a light in this tunnel. I trust God that he will see me through it. Yet it's very hard now looking down at this abyss wondering what will happen next. I long for security, a good paying job and stability. The Lord knows this, yet he's opening my eyes to others who are even now going under because of the rotten healthcare system that causes people to go homeless so they can get free healthcare! I shake my head in amazement at the audacity of such people! Blood is on their heads for taking people's livelihood to pander to their own needs! The Lord sees your greed and callousness, and you will be destroyed.

Trying to remain positive in a negative world

When you're facing difficult circumstances, it'v very hard to remain positive. You want to throw up your hands and give up. You don't because what you're doing is too important. You can't let the negative people drag you down to their world. I know. I'm facing an insurmountable task with the event that I've planned for September. How do I get people excited enough about it? I don't know.

There are times when I just feel like giving up literally. Why am I pressing this? Why do I care? Maybe it's because I don't want to see it all disappear. I know that I'm not the right person. I feel very inadequate for the job....especially now in the midst of all these barriers.

Will they leave me all alone to do this task? Oh, Lord....help me to do your will and not my own. I really want to help get this community out of its slump. I know there are others that feel the same way. Open my eyes to see them.

Reflecting on leaving a legacy

I reached a pretty big milestone yesterday. Some may be persuaded to think that I should be celebrating it, and some do. I've never really been that big on celebrating milestones, except when I'm celebrating someone else's milestone. I have gotten to the point in my life that I'm more into leaving a legacy than in accumulating stuff. I'm realizing that I need to start getting out of the "me" hole and finding out what others need. It hasn't been easy for me. I know everyone has in their own way tried to help, and I definitely appreciate it.

Yet I can't help thinking about what my next steps are. Should I just get something that I may totally hate doing just to have a job? Or should I continue to reach out and search for the one position where I feel I'm really making a difference in someone's life? I know where I want to go with this historical society, and I know that this could be a good way to leave a legacy behind when I'm no longer around.

When you reach a certain age, those thoughts about what is no longer there permeate and you start to realize that the world you thought would always be there is no longer there. It's a scary feeling. I guess that's why I like to retreat into history sometimes. It's permanent and it's not going to change....only the buildings disappear.

I'm grateful for the people I've met over this year and half of unemployment. Yet I yearn for a job, and desperately need the money because everything is going up....and there's the ever looming threat of being out on the street. I know a few who are only a few short steps away from that and it's scary. So...what legacy will I leave behind? What do I want my little nieces to remember about me? I know what I want them to remember....that I love the Lord God and that I've faithfully followed him. I want them to know that God loves them, but he hates sinners.....so I'd want them to know that the Word of God is the ultimate authority and everything in it is true no matter what someone tries to tell you about it or how that they twist it to serve their own purposes. I want them to know that I love them, but hate the sin(s) that they're exposed to on a daily basis and wish them to call on God to eradicate them from their young lives. I want them to see Christ in me and want what I have in him most of all. The road isn't easy, but it's a good one....and a good legacy to leave behind.

Fighting the Financial Medical Monster

I got one of the biggest shocks in my life yesterday when I opened the mail. Inside were two enormous bills for medical services that I've ever received in my life. Once I got over the shock, I was very angry. How could they possibly even think I would play literally thousands of dollars for what little service I received! It's unconscionable and just plain wrong to charge anyone thousands of dollars for bandages, a tetanus shot and a couple of antibiotics. Yes, I am going to fight this. I believe I need to fight it, not just for me but for the others that are being literally "socked" with medical bills that they can't even begin to pay. I say "enough!"

Because of this, there's a very real possibility that my credit rating will be ruined. It is a small comfort that there are others out there that are facing even worse scenarios than I am. It is also comforting to know that there are people willing to help me fight this financial medical monster. I don't know as yet if I'll need a lawyer or not to help me fight these outrageous bills. I hope not.

Will the new healthcare law resolve this? They tout that it will, yet I have a sinking feeling that more and more people will be "socked" with medical bills that they can't even begin to pay.

I do thank the Lord for opening my eyes again to this increasingly dire situation, and pray for a quick solution and victory over the financial medical monster we call the medical profession...namely hospitals, doctors and nurses.  

Fragments of Time

All of us have experienced these fragments of time. Some of us don't want to admit, even to ourselves, what these fragments look like. Yet all of us know that it sometimes feels as if we picking up the pieces of our shattered lives...those fragments of time that we wish we could get back. Wishing doesn't bring those pieces together. Only through a concentrated effort and belief, can we make any headway through the fragments. I know I've asked myself at least a dozen times what I could have done differently to avoid the fragments or to recapture those magic moments that make life worthwhile. There are good fragments of time as well as bad fragments.

When you are young, those fragments are non-existent because you live only in the moment. You don't think about how your actions will mark you for the rest of your life. You don't see the fragments as they are forming. You only see the bright shiny future....at least some of us do. I know there are too many young people today that can't see that bright shiny future. Their minds have been "programmed" to see only the darkness and not the light. How do we reach them?

We show God's love to them by listening and helping them. Will it make a difference? Yes. Knowing that someone is listening will make a difference. Helping them to see what they are doing is wrong both morally and physically will make a difference. We can do this by being open enough to accept them as they are, but strong enough to point out the dark path....those dark fragments of time...to them. We can't do this on our own. We need the Lord's guidance to make us whole, so others can see what he's done for us and want to follow the Lord themselves.

Teaching the young ones before it's too late and leaving a legacy

I was reminded this past Sunday as we celebrated my young niece's 1st birthday that all of us need to be more vigilant in regards to what young eyes see. I know that my nephew resented me for interfering and calling him out. I felt I had to, because he didn't understand what he was allowing my young niece to see.

It still hasn't sunk in yet. My little niece, Aydia, is five years old and at a very impressionable age. When someone with maybe the best of intentions exposes her to violent video games that are not meant for her to see then I have to say something. If I didn't, then I would be just as culpable and responsible for her corruption as the person who exposed her to that garbage in the first place.

This is where the parents should step in, but unfortunately haven't. I guess I'm too old school, but I believe that you're never too young to learn what is right and wrong....Violence even in a simple video game is wrong on many levels. When you expose young children to this, the message you are bringing to their young eyes and ears is that violence is okay....no one really gets hurt. I know that I failed in teaching my little brother this and it bothers me even though I know that he wasn't exposed to cartoon violence until he was at least a little older. It has warped his sense of what should and should not be tolerated. For him, it is too late to turn back the hands of time and wipe the violent cartoon images from his mind. It's not too late for his children if he is willing to teach them now that any type of violence is wrong even in an innocent video game.

Ir is all about leaving a legacy. What legacy will you leave behind? Will you stay in the background and not speak up when you see something is not right? Or will you speak up no matter how unpopular your voice may be? I have to speak up because the Lord is prompting me to and telling me that my nieces will be lost for all eternity if I don't. I care too much about them to see that happen.

Ups and Downs of life....struggling to make sense of it all

I had a rough couple of days trying to work around an injury. On Sunday, while walking my dog, I got bit by another dog. It was a traumatic experience for me because I was afraid the animal would do serious damage to my dog. He didn't...thankfully...as I got in the way by scooping my dog up and got bit. The owners told me that the dog had all his rabies shots which was a great relief to me. I didn't want to go through all the rabies shots. I also was very discouraged Monday night at the low attendance at the meeting of the new historical society I formed in February. It was good though because two new people showed up and I learned something new.

I also got some great information for the historical society on Tuesday. I can feel the Lord working through others. He knows what I need and directs others to help. I am totally blown away by his great goodness to me. I know my injury could have been worse. I know that if I hadn't intervened that my dog might have been seriously injured. I'm thankful for continued healing. I do continue to pray for a job that I can do. I do struggle to make sense of why things happen. I'm beginning to understand a little and am waiting on God for his leading in my life.

Taking a much needed break away from the computer

Last week I took a much needed break away from the computer. The first day or so was very hard. I had to pretend that I was on vacation even though I didn't really go anywhere. When I'm on vacation, I don't take any electronic devices with me. That might seem downright scary for some since they're practically "glued" to their electronic screens whether they be their smart phones, their iPads or their tablets. Yes, I admit that I'm very old fashioned. I don't have any of these devices in my possession. I don't desire to be that connected as a lot of what comes out is garbage.

I do believe that you take in this garbage unknowingly at times. It wears you down and makes you feel inadequate. I am not as much of a Luddite as some are. Writing this blog shows that...yet some would snub me for not being into the latest and greatest technological or social media. I feel that it does sap you if you let it. I realize now that I have been letting it do just that. By acknowledging that I was losing control and by working the best I know how outside the "system", I now see even more daylight than I saw two weeks ago when I wrote my last blog.

We all do need to step away for the electronic influences every once in a while. There is a whole big world out there that doesn't run on electronic impulses. We just have to reach out and grab a hold of it.

Feeling like I'm out of time and options

I've been really struggling for over a week, feeling sick and weary of everything. I think that whatever is going around has settled in for a long stay. I want to feel better about myself. Some days though I struggle to even get out of bed. I have no motivation. Yes, I know what it sounds like...depression. Yet there are some peaks of light in this dark tunnel. I can see them in the horizon. Right now I feel like I'm out of time. I don't mean to say that I've heard some bad news or that I have a premonition about not being here any longer. I just mean that with all the too fast technology swirling around ever faster, I feel like I've left behind in the dust struggling to make sense of it all. What are my options?

I know I've felt this urgency lately to leave a legacy behind. I don't know what yet....but have been thinking a lot about the impressions I leave with people and on social media. I worked steadily over this past year to reinvent myself in some way.

How do I reinvent myself when I'm feeling overly weary and sick? First and foremost in your mind is the thought that this too will pass. I'm hoping that it passes soon. Then you weigh your options....do I want to stay home and sleep or continue pushing myself. I know that I have been pushing myself too much, and it is probably part of the reason why I'm struggling now to get well. It's hard though not to push.

Fighting against the electronic monsters of the age

Horrific things happen. You ask yourself why? You wonder if God is really out there watching or if as some critics say....he's asleep. I can say for sure that he is wide awake. How do I know this? He guides my every step. I understand that the world would like not to believe. I do....because to believe in God means that you have to believe that his word is true. Sometimes his word is scary.

What's even more scarier than that though is believing the lies the electronic media decides is truth. It's in believing those lies that walls that have stood the test of time start falling down around us. We end up fighting the electronic monsters that threaten to steal our souls if we let them. We can't let them. We have to fight against being regulated and processed like cattle on a farm. Yes it is true that there is a lot of information floating around that the electronic media presses on you without your consent. Yes it is also true that we don't get to choose which information is readily available and which isn't readily available. No it is not true that everything on the Internet is true. Unfortunately most people get their information from the Internet or through other social media outlets.

Like time warriors, we must be good stewards of the resources God gives us. This means that we need to self-regulate what we see, link up to and what we say on the Internet. We can't be lazy and slack off. We need to be ready to fight the electronic monsters of the age and win.

A week of scary changes-trying to cope

Yes, I am thankful for so many things. For all the bad stuff people say about technology, I have to say that in some ways it really works. As some of you are probably aware by now, I had to make an unpopular decision in regards to some of my on-line avenues. Standing up for what you believe is hard. You are going to make enemies for that stance. Even some of your friends will question you as to why you're doing it. What is the difference, they'll ask. You'll even question yourself about why.

What is done, is done. That is the bottom line. Once you associate yourself with ideals that you don't believe in, you are marked by those ideals whether you like it or not. Yes, it is scary to stand up against the wickedness you see around you. I am still trying to cope with the pure evil that I sense from those who believe strongly in those ideals. I do pity them too....and cry for their souls. They are lost, but are unwilling to be found.

That is why I did it. I do understand the hurt I must have placed on people's hearts because of the social aspect of the social medium. I'm also a bit amazed by it as well. I have to ask myself why do these people care so much about me? I am not famous. I just had one book published...and am struggling to bring out the good in the borough which I wrote about in the book. Maybe there is a lesson in all this. Maybe by saying no and taking the unpopular stand, I am in essence educating people that what they are condoning is wrong.

Right now though I am still struggling and praying constantly to the Lord to guide me. I realize more than ever that God is in control. He sees my needs, comforts me when I felt lost and gives me a heart for my enemies. Yes, I do pray for them that their eyes will be open to the wickedness and lies that have controlled their lives and open to God's love.

Coming off Easter week with a new understanding of the depth of Christ's Love

Easter is a time of renewal. It hurts to know the cost that was paid for that renewal. Sometimes it seems way too steep. You loose sleep, and the people you may have thought were your friends. They don't understand. How can they? Everyone around them tells that its okay. But it isn't. There are literally thousands lost. Why? Because they rejected Christ and his message. They made a conscious choice to embrace the darkness. Christ understood that. He knew and does know human nature.

He died so that we might have life. What does that mean? It means that he took on our sin debt on his shoulders. He paid the price, so that we wouldn't have to. Yet there are too many that turn their backs on that sacrifice. I pity the children of these unholy unions. They think they are so right, that they will be vindicated for their actions. Their day is coming....a day that I dread to even look at in the face. I don't want to be in their shoes when the day of wrath comes like a thief in the night. It will come soon.

Will you rejoice to see that day? Strangely enough I do, because on that day I will see Jesus face to face. Yet I also mourn for those around me who do not know the Lord Jesus Christ. The consequences will be severe for those who repeatedly deny the Lord. I shiver when I think about the coming wrath, for I know that there are too many that are "playacting" Christianity. They are not time warriors, I tell myself. How could they understand that this period of renewal when no one tells them the truth?

Awake....the time is short. The Lord is calling those who will follow him now. He will not wait for the stragglers or for those who have not prepared themselves to meet the Lord. Now is the time to stand up for your beliefs and follow in Jesus' footsteps.

How will they hear? How will they know that he is coming? He is at the door....in this season of renewal...he waits for the right time.

Reflections of Passover and Easter

This week is Holy Week for both Jews and Gentiles as we reflect on our common rituals and remember the sacrifices made for us. It is a time to consider what we were before the Lord came. We were all sinners in God's sight, not worthy of his notice. He had compassion for our plight, and sent his son to save us. Most of us rebelled. We didn't think we needed to be saved. We were thinking in one dimension, not two dimensions. We were blinded by our own arrogance and pride....much like Pharaoh was when he refused to let the Israelis go. He, like we do, needed to be literally shown that it was in his best interest. We do balk, not understanding what the Lord has in mind for us. We reject him repeatedly. Yet he didn't turn his back on us. He could have. There was no reason why he should have let his son suffer so....nor was there any reason why Jesus decided to die for us.

When I reflect on this season, I am awestruck by the extreme sacrifice. Jesus didn't take the easy way out....Moses didn't take the easy way out either. Both followed God, even when it seemed as if nothing made any sense. By taking the mantle on, and leading the people out of Egypt, Moses followed the Lord's command. The Passover that is even now celebrated today reflects the sacrifice made by the Israelis who followed Moses out of Egypt....That sacrifice of a lamb whose shed blood marked the doorways of the houses occupied by the Israelis symbolizes the fact that the angels sent to slay the firstborn were deterred by the blood. The angels "passed over" the houses marked with the blood of the lamb.

That blood was also shed on the cross....Jesus is known as the Lamb of God. It was his sacrifice that paved the way for us to be free of our sins. We rejoice knowing that he is risen....He is risen indeed!

Want to go back to a simpler time

Yes, I definitely would love to go back to a simpler time. I have been feeling a lot lately that feeling of too many things pressing and clamoring for my attention. I started recently a new venture, trying to garner interest in local history. It is the one thing that is keeping me sane. I read about the people and places of long ago and sometimes long to be there instead of here. I know that way back they didn't have running water or toilets. I don't know if I could get used to that or not. I just think that it would be great if we could put this electronic monster back in its box. I'm tired of running up against young hotshots that think they know everything. They don't....but they don't want to hear it. They prefer to remain plugged in to their devices which keep getting more and more sophisticated that the average person has a hard time keeping up.

I guess it's a sign of growing old when you just want everything to slow down. You long for the days when you felt secure enough to take a breather and look around you. In this too hectic world that doesn't seem possible. You are required to be superwoman to everyone....if you're not....oh well...sorry...you can't work. What????......I have a lot of talent and I'm learning more every day, but I'm not as quick as I once was or as young.

I want to go back to a time when everyone was appreciated for what they could do with their hands and their minds. Nowadays it just doesn't seem that anyone really cares what you can contribute. Instead they are looking for robots that will follow their company's line without question. Yes robots can do that...and they have pretty much replaced human contact at most major companies. It's funny when I listen to the TD Bank ads....and realize that I'm not alone in this feeling...that somehow with all the technology we lost the human touch. I don't know about you but I get so frustrated with automatic phone systems that I just want to reach in and grab the person who decided that this was a good thing. How many good people were replaced when those systems came into place?....100....1,000.....I don't know, but the more I work with these phone systems, the more frustrated I get.

Trying to get past a scary point in my life

I don't know if you ever had a time in your life when you felt as if everything was falling down around you. I have. It hasn't been easy for me realizing that I'm so close to the edge of losing everything. I admit that it's downright scary. Everyone tells you that it's going to be alright. You tell yourself that as well. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't.

Anyone who knows me, knows that this period in my life has been really rough. I had a rough time dealing with the fear and anxiety that comes when you realize that in a very short period of time you will have no money coming in at all. I know there are many in my situation, but that doesn't help. Actually it kind of exasperates it...makes it worse...to the point that I can feel myself sinking into despair. I am trying hard not to think about what will happen once the money runs out or the fact that I feel like banging my head against the wall every time I hear the words that are the bane of my existence....You've been unemployed too long for anyone to hire you. I want to scream but can't seem to let it out.

It is affecting me both emotionally and physically. I can't seem to focus on anything or get enthused enough to make the effort to be rejected electronically for the umpteenth time...or be electronically exposed to the masses. Believe me....It's no picnic...and I'm not eating bonbons as much I'd like to. It is times like this when I go back to the scene in the movie "Facing the Giants" where the quarterback is blindfolded and then is pushed verbally to give it his best....I know I can't quit...even in this scary point where I don't know where I'll be a month from now.

Finding time and trying to hold onto the important things

I had a very interesting conversation with Seth Bruggeman, the chairman of the Public History department of Temple University. I discussed my ideas, telling him that I was at the very beginning stages of what is now a huge project in regards to local history. I also had a good conversation with Sara (forgot her last name) about her group project on Collingdale. I told both of them that it was important that we do what we can to preserve (hold onto) the important things. Asking right questions is always a good first step towards finding the right answers. Sometimes, however, it's really difficult to find out what those right questions are. You wander around with your hands in front of your face trying to find a way out. You continue to "dig" hoping that this time you will see what you're looking for and discover the important things in life.

I know that there are many people that complain that there isn't enough time to do what you see needs to be done. The fact is that you need to take baby steps, walking towards your future. You got to consider what factors will deter you, such as time and money. You then have to figure out what's important...what do you want that person to do for you? How can we preserve this bit of history for future generations? Is it worth it? Once you figure that out, then you may have a clearer picture of where you're going. What barriers are there? Doing research on all of this will take time. You may, like I am now, feel like tearing your hair out. Stop....take a deep breath. Let it out. Pray for the Lord to lead you to the right people to discuss ideas and then cautiously more forward.

Fighting the Time Bandits and Moving forward

In my research, I'm finding that one of my biggest obstacles is fighting time bandits. You know what these are...the things that pull you away from what you really should be doing. These time bandits can steal time indiscriminately from you when you least suspect it. How do you move forward after these time bandits have come and gone? That's a good question. Sometimes you can't. By admitting that the time bandits have defeated your purpose and plans, you in fact move forward. Yes, if you can identify what time bandits you have then you will go farther than if you can't.

Time bandits come in all shapes and sizes. They can be things that you automatically put to the side and suddenly come up. They can be all consuming and compass everything in front of you like a fog. Piercing through that fog won't be easy. You'll get frustrated at time. I know I have. A few of my time bandits are finding enough time to do everything that I need to do, depression when something I tried so hard to accomplish falls through and fighting for resources I need to do the work. I have been actively seeking work for almost a year now. This is very exhausting work and I admit that it's very draining as well.

I know I'm not alone in this, which really does help. Too many are in this situation now, and it's very hard to continue to remain positive. This too is a time bandit. Feeling worn out and not energized doesn't help matters at all. Yet this is exactly how I feel now. I know I must move forward and focus on my passion or else drop out of life all together. You know the choice I'll make, and that is to move forward.

Finding time to pursue passion with a driven purpose in mind

I am finding now that obstacles tend to get in front of me when I try to focus in on my passion. One of the biggest obstacles is monetary. I realize that this is everyone's obstacle nowadays. Why is that? When did money become an all consuming barrier to doing what it right? I heard the saying at least a dozen times that money makes the world go around and the saying that whoever controls the money has the power. This to me seems so wrong in so many ways! I memorized part of a bible verse that says that money is the root of all evil. I believe that. I've seen it with my own eyes. Another big obstacle is time. Everyone seems to want to dominate your time for their own little projects. You have to step back, analyze the needs and see what you can do. You have to have that driven purpose.

This is hard to do. My mind seems to go off in so many different directions that I can't seem to focus on one thing at a time. I am glad that my ultimate purpose in life is to please God. He is the reason I live. When I focus on him, I do find that things settle down. I can then find the path, follow the Lord and move in his direction. It does take work. I have to discipline myself to call on the Lord. I can't go off on my own tangent hoping that I'll hit the right combination or find the right passion to pursue.

It all comes down to who you are going to serve. Are you going to serve God or money? This might seem like a no-brainer but when you really come down to it and analyze what you are doing, your actions speak louder than your words. If all you care about is gaining material possessions or having more money than you know what to do with, then your god is money. If all you care about is the people around you and their needs, then God is your master.

So if God is your master, why aren't you trusting him with your life? Hard question....I know for myself that I do tend to worry about food, shelter and having enough money to survive. I admit that sometimes my greatest fears get the best of me. I am still learning that God is in control of everything and that he will provide all our needs. God didn't say that he would provide all our wants. He said that he would provide all our needs. Once you get pass this, you realize that you have found time to pursue your passion with a driven purpose.

Looking for the good in others and trying to be patient

Yes, Thursday is Valentine's Day...a day set apart to think about love. When some think about what love means, all the filthy images you see sometimes on television come into view. You know the ones. I always have to turn my head away and mute the sound whenever they come on. I can't understand why anyone would enjoy watching that. It isn't love, it's lust in its ugliest form.

Today is Abraham Lincoln's Birthday. Unfortunately no one celebrates it anymore. It used to be a day off to reflect what he did to free the slaves. Now that day is celebrated in January ironically with Martin Luther King Day. I do have a hard time with this. I know that both men worked hard on behalf of their fellow men and both deserve recognition for their actions. Yet the man that set the stage for what happened over a hundred years later is neglected entirely while the other man who benefited from that set of actions gets venerated to an almost godlike proportion. I don't understand this at all. There are too many people that have done so much for civil rights that it almost seems that their stories are being neglected as well to venerate this one man. I do try to look for the good in others. I don't like to put down anyone, but instead lift them up. I know that I need to be patient with my fellow man.

Love is patient. It looks at the best, not at the worst in a person. It is difficult, especially these days when everything seems to out in the open at its worst possible form to see the best in a person. You really don't know a person until you actually sit down and get to know them. Some are totally impatient, wanting things from you that you're unwilling to give. Others are too much like putty, letting others walk all over them. Still others are just right. They follow the Lord's leading and patiently wait instead of either holding back or pushing forward. This is a lesson I'm learning now...to be patient and wait on the Lord.

Being thankful for the small stuff

A hard lesson to learn is to be thankful for everything. We should not take anything for granted, but instead be thankful for the small stuff. I know that this is hard to do when the world wants to dump all its sorrow and misery at your feet. It's easy to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day. We do it daily. The hard part is to learn to take everything with "a grain of salt." This means that you must determine on your own to filter through the world's stories and weed out the truth from them. No, it's not easy to do. All too often news agencies or even your friends will alter a story to suit their worldview. The truth does, given enough time and patience, eventually come out.

You will find, if you are thankful, that you look at life a lot better. Life is precious. You shouldn't waste one moment worrying about things you can't do a thing about anyway. Besides worry is a sin and displeases God. I heard somewhere that worry sends a signal to God that you don't trust him. It makes sense. If you continue to worry about a certain situation, and I admit I do this, you're telling God that he's not doing a good job. So first and foremost, you have to believe that God is in control of all things. Being thankful for all things shows that you do believe that God is in control.

I know for my own self that I have to remind myself daily that God has my best interests in mind. This current climate that I'm currently "swimming" in won't last too long. I can look back and see how far I've come, even as I still struggle with issues that are weighing me down. I do thank God for so many things. He is my Rock.

Maneuvering through space and time

Does anyone remember the Star Trek the Next Generation episode where Georgi was trying to save the Enterprise from radiation exposure? One of the things that stuck in my mind this week is when he tried unsuccessfully to avoid the risk of fatal exposure by running the Enterprise through some trial runs. In about half the runs, time ran out and the ship was exposed. I have been feeling lately that I've been reliving that episode in my own life. Unfortunately there are no trial runs in life. You have to maneuver the best you can through a morass of choices hoping that you make the right one.

I know I have questioned my choices recently. I see that sometimes it's not easy to know what the right choice is. The best you can do is pray for guidance. The worst you can do is go off half-cocked and just wing it. Some advocate that method, telling you to go for it. There is a cost for everything you do, and being deliberate about what you're going to do next is prudent and wise. Much like Georgi did during that episode, you must take the issue at all angles before making a decision. Then you need to let go. You can't hang onto the problem or it will overtake you. I especially like the end of that episode when the solution was to shut the computer down and let the "master" take over.

I do fear that we are increasingly becoming too dependent on computers and its resulting technology to run our lives for us. We expect things to do what we expect them to do, and we want things instantaneously.. What we haven't yet realized is that there is an enormous cost involved when we let the computers run our lives. Sure technology is great. I wouldn't be able to post this without it. I believe however that there will come a time that we will regret the hold technology has over us. I've already seen that regret in the faces of those disenfranchised that have been cut off from the world.

Feeling the affects of time and space

Wow, I felt the affects of time and space this week as I tried unsuccessfully to coordinate my history projects with looking for meaningful work. At times I felt out of sync with the rest of the world. I realized that I am not alone in feeling this way. Some might call this future shock. Others might call it a longing for a simpler time and place. I've been thinking a lot about the way technology has overwhelmed and overtaken us in so many ways. Some of it is good. I don't know anyone who doesn't like to be able to access information quickly and easily or doesn't like what technology has brought in their lives. At the same time I can't help thinking about all the people that have been left out in the cold because of it. We lost a lot when we arbitrarily decided to send all our personal information over the Internet.

I watched "Les Miserables" on Saturday and could really relate to the crowd of poor waiting for a revolution. Like those poor people, I realized that we are in the same boat as they are. We too are waiting for a revolution even though most of us don't understand what that means or how to go about it. We cry for freedom, not realizing that we gave our freedom away when we allowed the government to control our very souls. At what price you may ask.....

The price is your life. Will we fight and die for those rights?....Rights that are already gone, by the way. Or will we slink back, hide and pretend that everything is normal? Yes, it is normal to shrink back, do what is necessary and hope for the best. We all struggle with step forward. I have to ask myself would I be willing to die for what I believe?

This is where the rubber meets the road. Will we learn from history? Unfortunately I see all too often that we neglect history. We tell ourselves that what happened in the 1940s won't happen again. We won't put people aside, discriminate against them or bar them from employment. Yet we're doing it now....literally thousands of people roam the streets looking for work. No one will give them a chance. Instead they prefer to send jobs overseas and abuse the people there. Then there's the cold hard fact that if you're not pretty enough, or you've been unemployed for too long....you're unemployable.

Fighting against time and space

The past few days I've been having issues with various functions on my computer. It's almost like I'm fighting against time and space. It started on Monday when I logged on and made me think that someone has gotten control of it somehow. Maybe I said something I shouldn't have said or maybe I'm just imaging things. I don't have a good feeling about having everything computerized. It is way too easy for someone to hack your personal information and run with it.

I don't want to think about identity theft. I know how long I have fought the good fight to do what I can. Unfortunately the technology is too readily available to use. What I don't know is if there is a way to fix these "glitches" that keep popping up. Makes it really difficult to write anything coherent when those glitches pop up.

There has been some good news of support in unexpected places. I never realized how much work it actually takes even to run a meeting, let alone start a group. I do still feel that I am fighting against time and space.

Leaning on the edge-the view from below

Yes, I'm now officially out on my own leaning on the edge. It was definitely a defining moment when my resources ran out. Yet I don't feel as panicked as maybe I should be. I know it's because God is in control. The view from below can be a bit scary. I'm not thinking only about myself. I'm thinking about all those who depend on me as well. You play the waiting game and wonder where you'll be soon. You don't want to be controlled by the government, yet you now understand that you had no choice. I was reminded again of Nazi Germany when I read a post on Facebook about one woman's experience under their regime. I was amazed that it wasn't as what we've been taught. The people actually embraced the regime. It wasn't their life that would affected. It was "them"...the scapegoats for all the world's ills.

I continue to press forward, praying as I go for the right fit and hoping that I'll remain free. Yes, I am thankful that for now we do have freedom of speech....in some ways. We can still preach the gospel, but I know that there is a time coming that this won't be possible any more. So I can be thankful for this forum, for the Internet and for the people that contribute so much to it.

Ringing in the New Year-Learning to abandon it all to God

My first lesson for the new year was that I needed to abandon everything to God. I couldn't hang onto my worries and fears for the future. I had to let them go. I had to live in this moment. It is a hard thing to do, this abandonment. There are so many things even now that try to steal my sanity and my identity. I can't let them. At the end of the day, they are only things and God is God. Once I get past the feeling that I need to be in control, I can move on and live for the Lord.

It seems so simple, yet I know in my own experience it can be difficult as well. You come to the point in your life that you know that you can't waste another moment wallowing in a pit of despair. You have to look up from that abyss and reach out for the hand that is waiting for you to grasp it. We can't hesitate any longer for time is short. I do feel that even more as each day passes. No one has any guarantee that they will see another sunrise or have the opportunity to witness to others about God's great love for us.

I am still learning daily that I need to give everything up, be willing to leave it all behind and deny my own selfish desires. Some days are easier than others because of all the negative stuff I hear. Other days I long to hold onto with all my might. I admittedly at times am at a crossroads. I'm eager to see the Lord face to face but anxious that I'm not worthy to stand in his presence. There are many things that I have done I know that I regret doing. So I'm thankful that the Lord has forgiven me and I've been able to move on.

I won't make any New Year's resolutions. I will, however, work on a heart renovation by looking out for others before I look out for myself.