Scary thoughts, and how to deal with them

Yep....I've been kicking around these negative thoughts for far too long. They are dragging me down and making my life miserable.How do I deal with them? I have asked myself that question this past week when I felt the world crashing all around me. First I repeat to myself over and over that God is in control. It helps. I then refocus, taking my eyes away from the evil that threatens to undo me. I refocus on the good...which is still there. It's in the face of a baby girl who smiles at you when you push her on the swing. It's in the laughter of children ringing through the air. Yes I still have those scary thoughts about what I'm going to do now that there's no money coming in. God knows this. He knows what I need. I just have to keep trusting him to provide.

Some days I do want to hide. I am very tired of fruitlessly searching for that elusive job and competing against thousands. I want to scream, but I don't have the strength. Then I realize that I am working. I just not getting paid for it. I have about 3 or 4 projects running right now. I know that there is a good reason why I'm still "pounding the pavement" after all this time. It's because I needed to be free to work on these projects which are very important to the preservation of the past and for the education of the young. I do have some goals, both short and long term, that I'm setting out to accomplish. Some would say that I'm doing it so I can show an employer that I haven't been sitting on my hands collecting unemployment. Yes, that is part of it.

You always have to justify your time. It isn't enough to say that you have been actively job searching....and only an idiot would say that they haven't been. I am still fighting against time. I really don't know how much time I do have before things get really dicey for me. I cherish the time I have now. I embrace my supporters and cheerleaders who see my struggle and want to help. Some do, but unfortunately some just make my situation worse.

I know I have to deal with them. It's hard to tell them that they are the source of my scary thoughts. They have closed their ears. They don't understand. I grit my teeth when they open their mouths. I am reminded of Job's three friends. They didn't understand either. They sprouted empty words and made Job's situation ten times worse. Yet, like Job, I forgive them.