Yes, I admit that I'm really struggling. I know my Mom is trying to help, but she's only making things worse. I want to work. Every day I do one thing that will push forward my efforts to find that elusive job before "night" falls. Time is pressing....I have only a few more weeks before I have to start taking a desperation job. Everyone knows what they are....those are the jobs you hate doing, but they are the only ones available for someone whose has been away from the job market for too long. It isn't fair, yet I can see why an employer wouldn't want to take a chance on me. I'm a risk.
It does "tear me up" at times...and I can understand why some can't handle the enormous stress that the long term unemployed face on a daily basis. Hearing conflicting reports on the job market doesn't help. You start feeling guilty that you are putting the people you love through it. Some, again understandably, consider ending it all...which in some strange sense would eliminate some of issues...but not all. Whenever I get to this point, and I admit that I have. I think about the people that still depend on me and would be devastated by the loss. I also realize that God has a plan for my life, and it would be foolishly stupid to "end it all" no matter how bad it gets.
Yet, in the midst of this ongoing struggle to find work, there are small victories. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel the support and encouragement of the people around me. I know God is working through me, even when it seems as if I'm spiraling down in the depths of destitution and despair. I hold onto the fact that God is sustaining me and will sustain me through this trial. I will be stronger and better able to serve those around me when they see how I leaned on God for his strength and not my own.
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