Showers of Blessings

The Lord has blessed me in so many ways. I have come to realize that a number of things I have taken for granted are mine because he has been gracious to me. I thank God for my family. I thank God for my friends. I thank God for everything he has given me.

I thank God for challenges, realizing that if life remained routine I would soon wallow in complacency thinking that everything I've achieved was due to my puny efforts. I don't want to wallow in complacency, nor do I want to remain in the pit of despair. I've been there far too much lately, blaming everyone for things they couldn't control.

The meaning of Christmas isn't in the gifts we receive. I realize this. It is in the showers of blessings I receive from knowing others and the feeling I get when I know that I've made a difference in someone's life.

I haven't felt that way for a long time. Frankly I blamed my interia on economic and social trends. I wanted, and still long for meaningful work that supports me and my family. Yet, I can't help thinking that I need to step away from this attitude and move forward towards what the Lord has for me. He has placed some ideas in my heart, and asked me to step out in faith.

It won't be easy. I do have no place to go but up now. I am almost at the end of my strength, but the Lord gives me hope. I can grab onto that hope and spread it around to others.

Faith In Action-Blessings of the Season

The nativity scene never grows old for me. When I watch the pageant with the children I get a new perspective every time. I see that faith in action of these children who have faithfully come to practice the pageant year after year. I am blessed by their innocence and the joy I see in their faces.


I marvel as I contemplate what it must have been like that first Christmas morning when the angels came to proclaim Jesus' birth. The more I learn about Jesus, the more I want to learn. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the love God has for me that he would send his son to die for me.

The world may increasingly grow darker as the message dims. More and more churches are foregoing these scenes. It is hard to grasp why there isn't more people coming out to support these children. What message are they getting for that? Yet I see that faith in action. It's the faith of a community that longs to maintain stability in a world that wants to rip things up.

I can dwell on the negatives or I can focus in on the positives. God has given us blessings this season. We can rejoice in the hope that we have in him. We can hold onto the good, instead of wallowing in the evil. We can act in positive directions, not negative ones.

I do have hope. I see the hope in these young people as well. They are the ones that need to know that God offers hope and salvation to those who ask for it. I thank God for that hope that blooms in each heart this time of year.

Learning to Be Grateful

It isn't easy to be grateful. The weight of the world falls on your shoulders. Sometimes it feels as if you're in a deep, dark hole with no way to get out. Grateful feelings don't come naturally. They come because someone does something that uplifts you. They come when you realize things are not as bad as they seem.

I could let fear drive me. I won't do that. Learning to be grateful is hard work. It takes determination and sense that you have someone in your corner. It takes learning to trust in God, and hoping for a better future.

It's not good to bottle things up. When you start thinking positive, and let the negative feelings go...things will change for the better. I admit that it has been extremely difficult for me lately to be grateful. Things pile up. You stuff them in, putting on a mask and trying not to panic. Sometimes though you have to let it out.

I am grateful for the opportunities I've been given to express myself like this. I am grateful for family and friends. I am grateful that I am loved. I am grateful for shelter, food and electricity. I am grateful for water, relatively good health and knowledge.

Making the Most Out of A Bad Situation

I'm learning gradually to make the most out of my current financial situation. I've given up feeling sorry for myself. I've also tried to make the best out of the world's situation. It isn't as bad as it seems. There is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I have to believe and hope that God loves me.

I know that there are still some things that I can do to make things better for myself and for my family. I can't give up on them even when it seems that they have given up on me. I don't blame them. I feel their anguish with the situation. It does pain me that I can't do anything about it. I'm completely burnt out.

The only reason I keep going is because of the promises God whispers to me in his word. I know I need to trust him and his timing. I can't let fear and despair overwhelm me. Love casts out fear. I know this, yet sometimes I'm still afraid.

It is a bad situation. Some would even call it dire. I honestly don't know what to do. There is no viable solution to the increasingly difficult situation I find myself in today. Some days I wish I could wave it all away and go back to the relatively stable situation I had seven years ago. Then I felt secure in knowing that I had a position that would last. I was receiving enough to support myself and my family. I had no worries about what would happen once my savings was gone. I was free to dream. My family was in good health and I felt good too.

Yet there are so many things I would have missed....friends and acquaintances I would have never known had I remained where I was. Yes, I am in a bad spot right now. I have hope through that the Lord will see me through it.

Giving Thanks and Being Grateful

Giving Thanks In All Circumstances is what we must do daily. It may be difficult with everything that is going on in the world. However when we give into the fear, we defeat the strong purpose God has in our lives. We let others dictate how we should feel. We allow the cares of this world to swallow us up.

We could wallow in self pity now. Looking at this photograph, some would say that the forest in it is dying. Others can look at this photograph and see the beautiful fall colors knowing that this is only a temporary death. The trees will grow their leaves again come Spring.

Much like the season of my life now. There are some things that are dying. I know that winter is coming when nothing will grow. Sometimes those thoughts scare me. No one wants to grow old...but we all do.

We need to give thanks to all the seasons of our lives realizing that in each season there is beauty to be had and enjoyed. We need to be grateful for what we do have in our lives now and not yearning for something more. As any of you that have been reading my blogs know I've been going through a particularly rough patch in my life these three and half years. I've had a time when I tried to push my  feelings down and pretend that life was going on pretty much as it had been. The shrinks call it the denial phase. I've also had the "fighting" phase where I tried my hardest to find some way out of the situation. I admit that in some ways I'm still fighting and unable to accept things the way they now are. It hasn't been easy to let go. I sometimes still long for that time when I felt secure and had a "9 to 5" job.

Yet I can't help thinking that if I hadn't be in the situation that I now still find myself in...that my eyes still would have been closed to all God has planned for me. I can be thankful for all the friends and acquaintances that I met over the past three and half years that helped keep me sane and focused. I can be grateful for opportunities (even if they are not paid) to help others understand their rich heritage and preserve local history. I can be thankful for the support I've received from so many businesses and individuals to bring a vision that much closer to reality.

I can thank God for leading me to people that can help shape the vision I have to help young people realize and embrace their heritage. I thank God for his presence in my life and in my family's lives.

Wrapping My Mind Around The Tragedy In Paris

I'm still a bit numb. Almost overnight our freedoms have been taken away from us. It isn't hard to grasp the seriousness of the situation with some men still on the loose. Yet I can't help thinking that  allowing the government to raid your home or your place of business at any time sounds like something a dictatorship would do. What freedom will we lose if we allow searches and seizures to happen just because someone suspects something? I can't help thinking that it is too easy to point fingers and tell lies about someone without incrimination.

I am still wrapping my mind around how easily everyone seems to accept this "status quo" in order to catch an elusive prey. I hurt for the victims, but I hurt more for those who will be wrongfully accused of the heinous acts without recourse. Will they have a voice? I don't know. It all seems scary until you step back and realize that God is in control. He knows the situation and the hearts of the people involved. They will all be revealed in time for their deeds whether good or bad.

I do believe that this incident, tragic as it is, is probably only the "tip of the iceberg." We do need to prepare ourselves as Christians for what's coming. Our fellow Christians is Syria and the Middle East have already seen the first fruits of the tribulation that is on the horizon.

In some ways Obama is right. We can't condemn the Syrian refugees. To do so would be to repeat the tragedy of WWII when we refused the Jewish refugees. I admit that I am frightened by the threats, but I have to leave my fears in God's hands. He will open a way.

Reaching a Crisis and Moving Forward

I haven't been writing these blogs for the past two weeks. I went through a crisis. It wasn't very pretty. Crisis never is. I won't go into details about what happened. I'm still sorting out the "why" and trying my hardest not to fall apart at the seams.

All families go through these crisis. It doesn't make it any easier, especially when it's someone you love that is going through it with you. There are days still that I'm in denial. I want things to go back to the way they were before the crisis, even though I know that they can't. I want someone to wave a magic wand and make it all go away. It just isn't possible.

I am moving forward. I have to. There is no way back. I keep telling myself that it can't get any worse, even though I know that it can. Some days it really hurts. I feel frustrated and alone. I know others feel that way too. I tell myself to reach out to them and let them know what's going on. My tongue is stuck in my mouth. I feel frozen. I don't want to feel this way. In fact I'd rather feel like I was in control...little realizing that I was never in control.

The Lord knows my needs. He knows how I'm feeling and the stress that has created so many issues in my life. He wants me to lean on him. Yet I sometimes resist. The way is scary and unknown. I may be forced to do some things that I never thought I'd do. I have to trust him to hold me up and not let go. I have to depend on him to give me shelter and food. I can't depend on my own resources.

I am moving forward in faith. God does have a plan for me. He knows where I should be and what I should be doing. He will guide me if I let him. I just have to let him and get out of the way.

Breaking the Ice Jam or Trying to Fit In Without Looking Like A Fool

You know when you have one of those weeks. One day it feels like everything is going right in your world. The next day it feels like the world is coming to an end. I had one this past week. I could say that I was worn out from all the tension and stress that I've been under for so long. I could say that I have been blessed in so many ways. Both scenarios are true statements. It almost like trying to break an ice jam...not that I've ever had that opportunity. You try and try to make someone listen. Nothing works. You feel like a fool because you've grown so much in the past two and half years that the cliches in the corporate world don't fit you any more.

Yet you keep trying. You see that others have fit in. You wonder if you are just too behind the times for anyone to listen to you. You need someone to listen. You need people to care about what happening to you. You feel awful selfish for trying to push past the obstacles that ensnare you in their trap.

I do have a feeling that things will change for me soon. Will it be a huge change? I don't know. All I do know that I can't pretend anymore to like certain things just so I can be gainfully employed. I can't lie either...it just isn't in my nature. I pray daily for a break and sign that I'm going in the right direction. It is hard. The pressure is constant and ongoing to find something quickly. How? I wonder if I'll ever fit in to someone's perception of a perfect employee.

I continue to look for meaningful work. I know that there is a definite deadline here for me to find work. Lord knows that I need to work to support myself. I can't continue in my current state for much longer. The ice jam of obstacles to my employment will break soon. It has to...

Trying to Make Sense of it All: Another Lesson in Humility

I had a historical society meeting tonight. It wasn't well attended. Questions were asked about why but I really couldn't answer them. It just doesn't make sense. There seemed to be such an interest, but no one really wants to do that hard work. I have a core group of pretty amazing guys that are so totally involved. Maybe that's all I need.

I can't stress out over the non response that I've received. It shouldn't matter whether or not you attend a meeting, but it does. I am learning to let go. I am learning not to take things to heart. I can get through this and move forward.

All I can honestly say is that I'm doing the best I can. All I can do is what is in front of me to do. All I can ask is that God grant me what I need.

It is hard to be humble sometimes when grand ideas take shape. It is equally hard to watch those dreams go up in smoke. I know that there are many people on the sidelines who really want to help, but I haven't been able to give them the tools they need. I know that there are some who have just literally "dropped out of sight." What do you do with those who just ignore the messages? How do you make it all attractive and interesting? I don't know. I am still trying to make sense of it all.

I do long for reasonable, long lasting, dependable employment. I am at the end of my rope here. I also need to be humble about what is out there for me.

Floating and Dreaming of An Unstressful life

We had our first taste of fall this week when the weather changed. We also had our first days long rain storm. Thankfully we didn't get the floods South Carolina is getting. I am so grateful for that.

I have been stressing out too much lately. Worrying about things I have no control over and wondering why God is silent to my pleas.

I have yet to learn the lessons God is trying to teach me about trusting him for all things. I try too much to twist the outcome that I can't see what's right in front of me. I know that I can have that unstressful life. I can dream of a life that has some meaning. I don't have to settle for something I don't want or need. This is freeing.

Yes, I am still on the financial edge I've been in for a long time. Yes, my prospects for employment in a corporation are dim. No, I'm not giving up on finding meaningful work. No, I am not going to succumb to despair and melancholy.

I will rejoice in what I do have. I will honor and respect the people around me. I will continue to reach out and talk to others.

Lord is with me. He will guide me in the way I should go. I know I need help to follow his leading. I know that I can't do anything on my own.

I can love him because he first loved me. I can know him because he first knew me and still knows me. I can serve him because he first served me. He miraculously saved me from myself and my foolish pride. His ways are past my understanding. I can place my burdens on him as he knows my needs before I do.

He is my Rock and my Mighty Deliverer. He is my Savior and my God. I can trust him with my future because he hold my future in his strong capable hands. Oh, Lord....please forgive my doubt and help me let go of the weight of stress and worry that robs me of the love you so graciously pour out. Let me not turn my back on those who need you. Help me to see others through your eyes. I am so unworthy of your love, Lord. Thank you for loving me.

Trying to Make Sense of it All....Waiting for God

It has been very difficult for me to remain faithful. I want to end it all sometimes. Other times I know that the Lord has a purpose for me to fulfill. I am still trying to make sense of it all. I wonder why I just can't get the response I need for a job. Lord knows how desperate I am. He knows the precariousness of my situation. He does have a good plan for my life.

I do feel that I'm waiting for God. Yet I'm realizing that he is waiting for me. He is waiting for me to give up on my stubborn pride. He is waiting for me to trust him to provide for my every need. He is waiting for me to have faith enough to let him guide me to where I need to be.

It is hard. I feel helpless. Yet I know that he is there. I struggle to understand why he has placed such a burden on my heart. Yet I understand there is a reason. He wants me to feel. He wants me to be broken for the people around me that have lost hope.

Will I trust him to do what is best for me? Will I lean on him and not my own understanding? Yes. Even though it is hard....even though I feel like I'm being torn apart....even when I'm scared to take one last step...I will trust and lean on the Lord.

I can be faithful because he is faithful to me. Lord, please help me be what you want me to be.

Are We Living In the Last Days?

Are We Living In the Last Days? I have been thinking a lot about the End Times lately. I know that in the Bible we can't know when the Lord will come again and claim his own. We can however have an inkling about the time the Lord is likely to come again. I can also see with my own eyes all the new technology that is rapidly changing the very fabric of our existence.

Biochip Technology This innovative technology has become so sophisticated that it is prepped to be used on humans. Medical uses for biochip technology have given way to utilizing biochips for security purposes, to purchase products and identify objects and people...Biochips and their future,,,It isn't at all far fetched anymore to think that the governments of the world are deliberately alienating Christians that refuse to get on the "bandwagon" and accept being systematically marginalized. It isn't too far fetched to think that some day soon with all this new technology that those who refuse to accept the all powerful technology will be regulated to the dregs of society.

I don't know when or how much time I will have left to warn people about what's happening. I also don't know if I'm strong enough to withstand the increasing pressure from all sides to embrace the stifling and soul stealing technology that is being thrust at my feet.

I do pray for release some days. I pray for those around me, especially the young who really don't know any other life but to be controlled by this technology.

Shattered Lives-Moving forward from pain

I've been fairly fortunate. I haven't suffered too much loss in my life as yet. At least not the kind that shatters you. I realize that life sometimes can shatter you and make you wonder why you even exist. I do struggle with the pain I see around me. I feel helpless to do anything about it.

I understand that I can't know what a person is feeling unless I experience it myself. Just like no one can really understand the deep valley I've gone through these past three years. They can't know the moments when I felt that it would have been better if I hadn't been born. God knows. He calls me his cherished one. He does have a plan for my life.

I've seen my life shattered beyond all hope of reconciliation. I kept hope alive that somehow someway the light would come and shine on my state of despair. I admit that the future doesn't look that bright for me. My dreams do seem to be fading, yet I can't give in. I can't give up.

I need to move forward in God's love. I need to reach out, even if it hurts. I need to see things in a new and positive light. It is hard. The world wants to drag you into the pit with them. They hate that you can see that light and that you are moving forward.

Lord, help me to be the person you want me to be. Strengthen me for your good work. Mend the broken pieces and help me find a good purpose. Help me to reach out to others to tell them about your saving grace and your love for them. Help me to speak out and not be shy when I see something that is wrong in the world. Help me to take action when I can.

I know that only you, Lord Jesus, can heal the broken and restore life again to this nation and its people. We are broken. We have all turned away seeking temporary pleasures. Lord, help us mend the broken fences and come together in your name.

Feeling Invisible and Trying to Cope

This was my week for feeling invisible. Frankly it is very frustrating to be ignored. People have such a short term memory sometimes and such a twisted way of thinking. Yet I can see that it is all a cover. I am trying to cope with all the responsibilities that have been thrust at me. I am trying not to let them get to me.

It is extremely frustrating to have all your hard work be ignored. I know that I'm not the person they want to deal with and that they hate the fact that it seems that I've taken over. Yes, in some things I have. I felt like I was in a straight jacket last year. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. They are trying mightily to put me back in that straight jacket. I won't have it. I have worked too hard to get out of it and make myself visible.

Should I start demanding that they listen to me? Wave a red flag in front of their faces? I do want to scream...but am holding it in.

Then there's the fact that they are doing this as a community event....but frankly again it's like pulling teeth to get anyone to listen. What will it take? Should I give up and make this the last event I do? Should I give in and let them do what they've always done for years on end? It is extremely tiring. I am trying to cope with everything that's going on. I don't like feeling invisible....yet in a strange way I'm afraid to toot my own horn too...

I am feeling drained. This week has been very bad for me. I'm fighting depression and the sense that things will never get better for me. I know that it's not true. I tell myself that God has me where he wants me and there is a reason why I'm in the place I'm in.

God is in control. I am not invisible to God. He hears me and answers my aching needs. His arms wrap around me. I know he loves me.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

I know you heard this expression at least once. It's a true expression especially when you're a child. I tried to put myself in their place this week. I've been thinking too much about how nice it would be not to have to worry about anything. I know I'm being foolish. I shouldn't worry at all.

It is extremely difficult to face the doom and gloom of today's world. I really can't see how kids do it. They are so exposed to all the violence and evil that surrounds them on a daily basis. I know that I have problems putting it away from me.

Kids don't understand that their carefree and innocent stage of life won't last....At least some don't. It is hard to explain to some that there is a real world out there with real trees, real grass and a real sun. I'd like to blame the overwhelming influence that technology has on their young lives. It seems that every time you turn around new technology has improved and replaced human beings.

What is a person to do? You enjoy and savor every bit of freedom you have outside the confines of these electronic cages. Yes, they do wonderous things and bring people closer. Yes, you can post your thoughts and they become public instanteously. Yes, I admit that I like having this ability to post my thoughts online and have people read them....but I think we're missing something.

We're missing the human interaction. We're missing the feeling of accomplishment when we finish a task manually. We miss the beauty of a handcrafted item and the joy of creation.

Instead we are left with nothing. How many of us can truly say that time flew by because we were having fun? You can be honest. I can't think of a time myself that I truly had fun.

Starting to Look Up Instead of Down

Yup....I am feeling a little better now than I felt last week. I heard from two musicians that seem promising. I also have almost enough ads for the ad book that I am currently working on for Collingdale History/Patriots Day.

I am only a little bit nervous about the job interview tomorrow. It's for a part time attendance aide position. I only need to keep telling myself that I'll get the job and remain confident. I definitely need it since I got yet another rejection letter for a position that I interviewed for last month. I know my Dad definitely is rooting for me to get it. He knows more than anyone how I'm still struggling to pay my bills.

I know that there is still a long road ahead of me. I also know that I have to keep looking up instead of down. There are so many things I want to do. There are so many things that need to be done to bring small communities back. I can't do it alone. I need to reach out to people and ask them to help me with this vision.

I continue my freelancing work. It gives me a little income and helps businesses get contant for their sites. I just wish I could expand my freelancing and make it more profitable. I wish for steady income. A pipe dream, some would say. I don't know.

I look up. I see God. I know that he is with me. He will always be with me.

Completely and Totally Burnout

I should be happy. I should stop obssessing over the fact that I failed to secure that entertainment. I should be in a stable environment. I should keep pushing and trying to find that elusive job. I should be pushing to get more sponsors for the ad book.

I need to stop thinking and start moving. Yet I feel so burnt out. I know I need to stop complaining and do something. There are people out there that have had it worse than me. They have been able to pull themselves out of the hole and get gainful and necessary employment.

Why am I obsessing over this? Why am I not giving it to God? Do I actually think I can do it myself? What a fool I am!

I have stop obsessing over things that I have no control over. It makes me look like a fool. I did act like a fool tonight...but I felt a release. I'm not alone anymore. I never was alone. Oh, Lord...I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall while time ticks rapidly by. I know three and half years is too long to be in my present state of unemployment. It's warping my whole attitude on life.

I have been underemployed for almost a year now. I should be grateful to be making some money, but I'm nearing the "red zone" with my finances with this recent and very necessary withdrawal.

I'm glad to hear that there is a light at the end of this long and dark tunnel I'm currently residing in. I want to recover from this complete and total burn out. I want to reach out and touch the dreams I have of a place where everyone can learn the lessons of history interactively.

I want to get past this season of burn out and be regenerated to serve the Lord. May I serve him well and not myself.

Claiming My Right To Work

It's been a very rough week for me. I feel like I'm spinning and going around in circles. I am struggling to push through and keep moving. It is hard. I long for work. I long to have stability and a steady paycheck. I know a lot of people are feeling this way. It's not just me.

I need to claim my right to work. I need to have a voice...yet I don't know where to begin or start the process anymore. I am worn out. I am desperate. I only have a few short weeks before it really "hits the fan." I can no longer function.

Is there a light in this tunnel? Is there somebody somewhere that can help me get out of this financial and emotional mess? I know I am not alone. I know that God has a reason for dangling me near this pit of financial despair. I know that God is providing. I have to believe this or cease to exist.

Yes, there is light. Yes, there is someone waiting for me. Yes, there is someone who wants to secure my future. Will I take that chance? Will I claim the rights that some want to abolish? Will I stand up and defend my beliefs? It is scary. I feel like I'm on a tightrope caught in an abyss.

Oh, Lord....You know me. You know what I need now more than ever before. Please guide me and shore me up on these wicked shoals of life. I am your servant. Forgive me for the bitterness that I've held in my heart. Help me to see others as you see them. Help me to find meaningful work that supports me and my family. Let me know the way I should go in Your Will, O, Lord.

You love me. I know that quite well. Yet I still struggle with the overwhelming tide of discouragement and apathy that I see all around me. Lord, I need a job. I need some way to support myself. You know this. Please help me to stop putting myself down.

Going Through Another Rough Patch

The organization I was hoping to work for didn't get back to me. Apparently I'm too desperate. I'm feeling really low right now. I just don't know what to do. This is very difficult for me to deal with and move on. Is the Lord hearing me? Does he know how much I need a job?

Am I still being too picky not wanting to expose my SS number online? A lot of the retailers require this anymore...sigh. Am I being too choosy about where to find a job? I don't know. Lord knows I want and need to work. Yes, I am desperate. It won't be that much longer until my funds are completely wiped out.

I know that there are so many others that are in worse shape than I am. I don't know what to do for them. I feel sick when I think about the future. I can't focus on what's going to happen tomorrow. I can only focus on today's needs. I am again giving it all to the Lord. He knows my needs. He knows my desires and longings. He loves me even when I don't feel it.

I am amazed when I think about all that he is doing for me. Yes, I'm in a very rough patch right now in my life. I don't know where my next footstep will be. All I can be certain of is that God is still providing for me. He brings people to me and loves me with an unconditional love.

I do need meaningful work that will support me and my family. I know that somehow the Lord will provide that work and the monetary needs. I have to believe that I will find that job soon and that this rough patch will break up.

Please be near me, Lord. Help me to find that elusive job and the support I need now for me and my family. I don't know if I can handle anymore of this "floating" and "struggling" to work something out. I need you, Lord.

Moving Forward and Pressing On

I had a better week this week. An opportunity to shine presented itself and I took it. I know that the organization needs me. I need them. I also know that it will be hard for them to pick the right candidate for the job. It is hard to wait and hope that they will see that they need me. I want to believe that they will and that everything will be okay.

I want to move forward with this major project as well. I got energized by the support from the group I joined awhile back. I know that I have to press on, finding support from unexpected places. I can't worry about the troubles around me. I can't worry about the looming crisis ahead of me if something doesn't happen soon. I can't worry about the people around me. I have to press on, leaving everything in God's hands. I got to move forward in his will, not mine. I got to open my eyes to meet the needs and find the resources I need to move forward.

Yes, I do feel that time is pressing. I pray for the Lord's soon coming. I admit that readily. I also pray that I will be ready to meet him face to face. I pray that I can reach the people he has placed in my life with the good news of salvation.

No, I can't stress out that technology seems to be taking over the world. God is in control. He knows his own. He knows when he will come to make all things new. I do look forward anxiously for that day as I pray for strength and courage to face the future. I know that God loves me. I know that he will spare me from his coming wrath. I know that all things are in his hands. I would be the worst of fools to believe that anything happens by chance or sheer luck. God ordains it.

With God's great love and his promises, I can move forward. I can tell others and show them that they don't have to wallow in the slimepit of sin and despair. I will press on with all the strength and courage God gives me. I can't quit. I can't recant. I will stand up.

Am I Just Fooling Myself?

I've had kind of a confusing week this week. I am still struggling with some issues that have come up. Sometimes I feel that I am fooling myself to think that anyone cares about history anymore. Other times I know that there is some interest. I just have to keep pressing.

I definitely feel at a crossroads in my life. There are forces threatening to tear me apart. I think about what I'm trying to accomplish quietly. I wonder if its all worth it. Should I continue to struggle? It's easier just to give in. I must not.

Am I fooling myself? Does anyone at all care? I know they do. I see it in the interaction I receive througn social media. I see it in the faces of my fellow officers. I know that they are tired. I sense that immediately.

I can dream. I wish that my dreams would come true. I don't know. It seems like such a long shot. It's crazy. We just can't do it, I tell myself.

Feeling at Loose Ends And Struggling Against Apathy

Yup....I have to admit... if just to myself... that I am feeling at loose ends. My freelance work does take up a lot of my time now. I also have a lot to do with the non-profit organization I run as a volunteer. It is hard to get people involved anymore. I do struggle with my own apathy about the whole situation and with other people who complain about the situation. Sometimes I do feel like screaming when I hear the abuse and complaints that are leveled at people who are only trying to preserve a way of life.

We recently celebrated 4th of July in my small hometown. It was a nice small parade with a few people who participated and a very small crowd on the sidewalks. The rain kept a lot of people away from the festivities at the park afterwards, but there was still a nice small crowd.

I do feel at a lost to gain enthusiasm for events at my small hometown. Everyone is feeling the pinch of unemployment or underemployment. The thing is that if you have no money to spend, you can't spend it. I know that this is a hard concept to master. You do have to make concessions for not being able to fund events anymore. I do feel bad. I definitely would like to contribute to making these hometown events memorable...but I can't.

I realize that a lot of the apathy comes for the young people who haven't a clue about their own local history. They don't really care either about what that building means or why we should save this building but not that one. It is pathetic to see and hear people complain about what the town used to look like...and not do anything at all to change the perception of the town.

It's all those loose ends. No one wants to address the preservation issues or why there are so many abandoned buildings in our hometown. They rather complain about those issues expecting that someone else will handle it. Unfortunately no one will.

Making It Through the Storms of Life

It has been a really scary week. The storm "mini tornado" that briefly whipped through our neck of the woods severely damaged homes and knocked out power for 100,000 people. I sit here now listening to the rain from another less scary thundershower that rolled through the area earlier this evening.

The storms reflect my feelings towards what has happened to our nation. It was a long time coming. We collectively turned our backs to God, allowing those who would perpetrate evil to have a "field day." Yes, I know that their day is coming. God's wrath will fall on them. Yet I still struggle to keep my head above the slime pit and the wicked storms. Lord knows that I've bit my tongue as my stomach churned at the evil direction this country is taking. I tried my best to stand through it, knowing that God doesn't allow anything that I can't handle.

I wept last Tuesday as I witnessed the pain of my dearest and best friend. I saw the Lord even in the midst of that horrendous storm. I know that he protected me and my family. I know that he protected my best friend. I know that he will protect us still when the consequences of these laws fully form. He knows my heart. He knows my needs.

I do praise him even now as the pressure increases to embrace the evil of the society around me. I will resist it to the best of my ability. Lord, give me strength to meet the foes and deliver me from the evil one. Grant us a refuge like you granted the pilgrims of old. Hide us in the hollow of your mighty hands. Continue to protect us from those who would denounce and destroy us. Provide, O Lord a way out through the midst of this evil and deliver us. To you, O, Lord, be the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen...

Striving for New Things While Embracing the Old

I have to admit that it hasn't been easy pretending to be someone I'm not. I can't seem to get past the fact that my temperament is basically shy. I want those new things though. I see the obstacles ahead of me. People pulling me in all sorts of directions. I feel dizzy.

I try to admit that I can no longer pretend to the people around me. They laugh it off. I feel foolish to know what to strive for with those new things. I can't articulate what I want. I'm in a bubble created by my own stubborness. Will I ever get past this feeling of hopeless and poverty?

I think about those people struggling now to survive in an increasingly technical world. I long to embrace the old...to go back to when everyone who needed a job could get one. A time when everyone knew your name and wanted to help you.

We have become too insulated from each other, even as we strive for new things. Forget the old, they whisper. It is no longer relevant. You have to do it this way. You can't do it that way. Don't embrace the old....give it up. They throw God in the backwater and forget that he created everything. Fools and hypocrites....believing that things will always be there...

What will be our future? With all our striving for new things, will we forget God? We are fools and worthy of his punishment if we forget him and his infinite grace towards us, his bond servants. I have to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I have to start letting my light shine.

Lord, thank you for your creation. Thank you for your mercy. We are infinitely better with you than without you in our lives. You promised to make all things new. How we long for that day! We do embrace your eternal love for us that may seem ancient and old. Your mercy and grace is new every morning.

The Day Before My Birthday

No, I don't get much into birthdays. My parents kick up a fuss. They seem to expect me to acknowledge my birth and force me to go to a celebration. I tried to tell them that I really don't want the celebration at all. They think I'm callous. Maybe I am...

Yet I do hate the fuss. I want everyone just to leave me alone to celebrate my birthday quietly and without any fuss. I know that I'm going to hear it from my sister. She especially thinks that I'm going to "go with the flow" and attend the celebration "just because." I am very frustrated that they just don't get it. I don't want the fuss. I don't want to feel obligated to get something that the person probably doesn't really need....especially now when I'm in a crisis mode.

Why can't they understand? Why do they always have to make me feel bad for refusing to participate in something I can't believe in anymore? I told them that I'd much rather have just a card...then for anyone to get me something I can't really use. I know there are aching needs too....

I'd rather fill those needs. Will anyone understand that? Can I make them understand it? Oh, Lord...you know my heart. Please help me make them understand that I don't want this fuss and bother.

Bothered by The Unrespectful and Unwelcome Attention

Yup...it's one of those posts. I am bothered though because it seems to me that there is no respect for those who put their lives on the line daily. I can understand a little bit how wearying that can be, to go day after day without hearing one word of thanks or praise. I aim to stop that now. I want to let police and firemen know how much I appreciate them.

It is hard. Sometimes it definitely feels like I'm going against a tidal wave of disrespect and apathy. Don't they know, I ask myself, what it all means? There are times, like yesterday, when I see a bit of light....a tiny measure of respect and admiration.

I can understand a little bit their frustration at how they (police) are being portrayed by the media at times. Their faults receive unwelcome attention. I fear for the erosion of justice when bad men feel that they can get away with anything with no consequences. It must be tough to see fellow officers face unjust sentences due to technicalities or because they'd been unjustly framed by those who have no clue about what they do.

They do deserve our respect. I am thankful that they are there maintaining the peace and protecting us from those who would do us harm. My group is planning to honor them in September and all those who sacrificed their all for their fellow citizens.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I'm a bit jealous of the young ones. They seem to have their whole life ahead of them. I admittedly have for the most part given up job searching as I had been. I'm too burnt out with rejection that I've to let it all go. I know what my problems are. I know that I have taken one step forward to grasp that ray of hope only to have it snatched away.

It is my fault. I can't seem to get any traction. I'm grateful for the freelance writing that I've been able to do. I'm also grateful for the many ideas that are swimming around, but nothing is sticking. Lord, help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm tired of defending my continued lack of gainful employment or trying to play the fool to get that elusive job.

I often feel that I've taken two steps back and time is ticking for me to make something of myself. Why do I feel that I have to prove that I'm worthy of being noticed and compensated? What can I do about the people around me who are also struggling with lack of work and acknowledgement? I know that my current situation has gotten so deep that I don't know if I'll be able to escape it at all. Some days I just want to end it all, but then I realize that there is just so much to do and so many people who depend on me to do it all....without compensation....sigh....

Will someone somewhere see my worth? Yes. I have to believe that what I'm doing for others will make a difference in their lives....or give up.

Moving Forward With A New Beginning

It sometimes feels a bit scary to be taking in something new. I know that the pressure is on for me to do this. I also know that it is needed. There are going to be detractors. People that want to see you fail. There are also going to be those that wholeheartedly support you. It is for those people you want to shine. It is for those people you need to move forward and grasp the rings of opportunity.

I am going through a new beginning now. I don't know as yet what the future will hold for me. I want so many things. I need to be able to reach out and touch the young people with the message that local history is important. How do I do that? I am not sure. There are too many obstacles in front of me now to even speculate what needs to be done first.

The underlying theme has to be to reach the world with the love of Jesus. It sounds corny, but the reality is that things are dying and disappearing at an alarming rate. The only true answer is Jesus and the life in him.

I move forward in him. Every other way is death.

Honored and Overwhelmed

I've been busy these past two weeks learning more about the financial end of my non-profit business. I 've also been privileged and honored to meet with so many interesting people willing to help me get up to speed. I do have a long road ahead of me still. I am feeling pressured to have some sort of positive results from all my hard work.

It is a bit overwhelming and depressing at the same time. None of the older folk seem to grasp what I'm going through yet. They pressure me to find a "real job"....and sometimes I do want to go back to having one of those....It is definitely a lot more stable than what I'm trying to accomplish now. Many just don't understand that non-profits do in some ways have to run like a business, even though they don't have shareholders or a product/service they can sell.

I really can't explain yet why I feel compelled to do what I'm doing now. Some days it still feels like I'm spinning my "wheels" and getting nowhere fast. Other days I definitely feel that sense of accomplishment that comes when you know that you've made a difference in someone's life. Financial pressures are still there as well. I'm not sure what my next steps will be to secure some sort of steady income stream. I know I need one...and I know that I have to take the necessary steps to obtain one or two soon.

I do hope to find and secure those revenue streams for my sake and for my family's sake. I know they are feeling pressured as well....and maybe a bit tired of "covering for me"...when the reality is that they should be supporting me in this huge undertaking.

So Much To Do! So Little Time To Do it....

I'm definitely still feel overwhelmed. There is just too much information for me to handle by myself. I am glad that there is starting to be an interest in local history. I am also glad that eyes are starting to be opened about all the possibilities, yet I still have this nagging feeling that things will start falling apart again. I've been in this present situation for so long now that I've forgotten how good it feels to have a stable job. I envy those who do.

I know, however, that if I had a stable job now that I wouldn't be at all concerned about what is happening around me. I wouldn't care less about local history...maybe...or I wouldn't be as active as I am now. There is just so much to do. I do feel nervous.

We need a venue. We need to generate enough interest to justify the many costs involved with maintaining a building. There is so little time to do it all...and there are added pressures being placed on my shoulders. I don't like this feeling. Yet it is when I feel this way that I turn to the Lord the most. I start by reminding myself that he is in control.

He knows my situation and my needs. He understands the time pressures and the feeling of being overwhelmed. I need only to hand my cares and concerns to him, knowing that he has my best interest at heart. God's timing is perfect. I realize that when I consider the rapid growth of the society and the many projects that are now "blooming" under his guidance. Oh, Lord...let me not forget that you have everything in your hands and control belongs to you. Too many times I let myself get overwhelmed and worried about my circumstances not realizing that everything is going accordingly to his plan...not mine.

The Lord will provide the funds needed, the venue needed and the support needed for the museum. I just have to continue to press on, gathering the information and making the needed contacts. I can't wallow in despair when something appears to go wrong. I have to give it to him....and watch what happens.

Feeling Overwhelmed but Happy

Things are really starting to "heat up" at the society. I really like the participation that everyone has in the group. It is definitely great when everyone participates. I do hate when no one feels they can participate, and the meetings drag on.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed though with everything that is going on. I am still on the brink of financial disaster too....personally. If I could find someone to come alongside me to support my efforts...it would be great! I know I have so many people behind me already...that I feel overwhelmingly blessed. I am happy that things are going so well after that season of feeling as if everything was turning to dust.

Lord, there is still so much to deal with, so much to handle and so many variables. I am learning each day to trust you, but it's hard at times. I can stress myself out or leave things to God. I rather leave it all to God.

Oh, Lord....You know my needs. You know what steps I need to take. Help me to be the person you designed me to be and do your work. I am happy that you have chosen me for this work. Strengthen me and lead me in the way I should go. You know how I depend on you and your provision.

Thank you for the society, Lord and for every member in it. Bless them, Lord and show them your saving love.

Reflections on Passion Week

When I reflect on Passion week, my mind automatically goes to what Jesus must have gone through during this last week before his sacrifice. What could he have felt when it seemed as if no one understood the meaning of what he had been chosen to do? How many times have we forgotten the reasons why he came to Earth...I know that I still have some ways to go before I feel that I'm fit to be in his kingdom. Yet the beauty of it is that I don't have to be perfect....In fact God accepted me and loved me while I was a sinner. It still amazes me.

I know that it is so easy to forget and go about a normal routine without thought. My senses were jarred recently when I took stock in what I was doing. I realized that in some profound ways I have grown. In other ways I am still struggling.

Jesus struggled too....He knows my struggles. I can come to him and confess my sins. I am saddened when I do see and hear the Scripture being butchered on television. I ache because the word is being distorted by those who want to profit from lies. I think about the lies told in the Passion story...lies that were revealed in time...

I rejoice in the risen Savior....Jesus Christ.

Stuck between two extremes

I've grown frustrated lately with all the barriers I have in regards to getting work. It is not easy to discipline yourself to make those calls, write that resume and compose that letter. Some days it seems impossible. I am stuck between two extremes....the longing for a normal 9 to 5 stable job that will support me and the reality that those jobs are disappearing fast. It hasn't been by choice that I ventured into the world of self-employment. I struggled for a long time...too long to play the game of finding that elusive job...that I just decided to stop. Yes, some would say that I've given up.

I am again being pressured to find some way to get money in. For my parents and those of the older generations, that means going to work every day and putting in my eight hours with a promise that I would in the end be able to retire with a nest egg. Yes, I do know that I need to support myself better. I can work as hard as I can on the computer, trying in vain to reach out to voiceless computers that evaluate you on a set series of keywords or I can reach out to others the old fashioned way.

I can admit that going back to a time where there was no computers sounds very appealing to me at times. Technology has taken a lot of work away from hard working people...and has made life better for some of those same people. It is ironic that there are good things happening with computers even when those very same things destroy the uniqueness of a person.

Even our healthcare is being regulated by computers....for those of you who follow End Times prophecy...they know what this means.

Trying to Come to Grip With Change

This week has been one of those "up and down" weeks. Some days I've felt the warm sun of God's love on my face and knew that I was following him. Other days I've seen the dark clouds of oppression and fear. I know God is with me. Sometimes it is hard to remain upbeat when it seems as if everything is falling apart in front of you. I have been trying to come to grip with change. Change is so hard.

Yes, I can see a very dismal future ahead of me. I know that if I focus on the bad stuff, then that very dismal future will become a reality. No, I can't see the beautiful promises that the Lord has for me. At least I can't until I put my hand out and trust him for my future. I've had to practice really hard today to remain positive that things will change for the better for me. Very tiny slits of light are beginning to light my path ahead. I have to hold on to them or sink beneath the waves of despair.

It is hard when you see the defeat on the faces of those you love. You know that they too are struggling to come to grips with growing old and appending death. I have no comfort to share with them, no solid reference for them to hold onto with both hands....I only have the One who has stayed beside me. I only know of his sacrifice for me. I rejoice that someday Death will be swallowed up in victory. Is it selfish to long for his return to redeem us? Is it foolish to cling to the hope that he loves me and wants the best for me?

Yes, I do still have a difficult time accepting change. It is hard to accept that someday soon the life I'm now living will be only a distant memory. Can I accept that the Lord has a plan for my life? Yes. I just have to be patient and wait on his leading.

A New Beginning-Creating A flower garden out of a dump

I'm feeling a lot better about myself this week. Lord has been good to me. He has continued to provide even when I felt unworthy of his notice. I can breathe and image the beautiful flowers in the garden. I can get excited about exploring new and old sites. It is a new beginning for me. The winter of my soul is quickly vanishing into a glorious spring.

I know there are still obstacles in my way. I can see them in the distance, yet I know the Lord is with me. He is my provider, my healer and my savior. I rejoice in all that he has given me. Yes, there is still some rain....I hear it. I know that the rain washes away the dirt. I need that washing. I need that clean heart. I've made some bad decisions.

I pray that the Lord renews my heart. I feel compelled to reach out to others. I observe everything that is going on.

Will I maintain this freedom of thought? I don't know. It is the "I" that gets me down. It's when I start thinking about myself that I get into trouble. I know this, but it is difficult not to think of yourself. It is the person staring at you in the mirror. You can't get away from him or her.

Positive thoughts create rainbows of change. I want to be an agent of change. So I'll start on this new beginning by learning something new every day.

Long Term Unemployment and How it affects you

Lately I have been struggling with depression. I know why. Even though I do have a job, I still have this feeling that I'm not accomplishing anything. Maybe it's because no one I know feels that what I do is work. Maybe it's because my work is "for hire" and I haven't been able to get myself out there yet. I'm not sure how to shake it. The "blue" feeling covers everything and every situation, even the good ones.

Long term unemployment does rob you of self esteem. You are damaged goods in the eyes of the world. Some times it's quite easy to think about ending it all. You pull away from family and friends because it's too hard to hear their taunting words and to see their accusing stares. They don't understand. It has been too long since you've heard an encouraging word. Everyone tells you that you should just "take anything"....that having a job is better than what you're going through now. They are not listening. You have to admit that you stopped listening too.

It's almost like being stuck in a big bowl of taffy, unable to get free and suffocating from the pressures well meaning people put you under on a daily basis. I have to admit if I let myself dwell on my current situation that I'd just as soon end it all. I can't do that. It just wouldn't be right, but I can understand the temptation to do it. It is very real.

The only resolution to this is to have full time employment that fills my need and supports me. I'm still searching for that now....as I remember what someone said..."endure or die." Yes, I may just die...but it will be on God's time...not mine.

Reflection and Release-A Story of Contrasts

Yup....This picture again...I keep coming back to reflecting on all that has transpired with me over the past year. I've had some unpleasant physical changes and mental changes. I've learned that I can't depend on some people. I wanted to scream at times feeling that no one understood.

I know that I can be unfeeling at times too. At least some have said that to me. It's hard not to come off that way. You have to sometimes be blunt and not keep covering things up. It does no good to say that "everything is going to be fine" or that you shouldn't worry about a diagnosis that someone you care for has received. It is foolish to deny that certain things can happen and pretend that things are good when they are not. I'm learning to release my pain and worry. I'm learning to ignore the negative news and the catty way people react to my words. I have reflected on my words. I know that the truth of them stings. People don't like hearing negative stuff or admitting that things are really not going that well. I know that I've been in denial for a long time.

Yes, I have been blunt...but I'm realizing now that it is helping me to focus oddly enough on the issues that have been brought to my attention. I am stepping away from family activities for a little while. I know that I'm not wanted....frankly I'm surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. I know they all pity me. They shouldn't....because I'm rejoicing that I am the way that I am. I can see things clearer than they can. It is not boastful to say this. The Lord has given me new eyes. I am not stuck as they seem to be...in the morass of the world.

I can release them to the world. I need to release the worries about them as well. This is difficult in my own power. I have to release them to God and let him work in their lives. They may think that I don't know God. They may deny that he has any control over my life. I know he does.

Participation and Support-How it all comes together.

It is funny when you start thinking about how you participate in different areas of life. You know that sometimes life can throw you a little curveball. The way you handle those curveballs shows how you handle life...so they say. I am admittedly a history buff. I like the hands-on tours of how things are done. The process of archiving fascinates me.

I admire people that can see pictures and do the research to put family histories together. It is definitely an art form. I appreciate the support I receive from others as I learn to let go of different facets of the organization. I know that I have been burned before by letting others take too much of the responsibility. I need their support. I understand that I have to let everyone participate in any way they can. I have to use the talents they have and combine them in such a way that it creates a beautiful picture of cooperation.

It is beautiful when everything comes together. I do rejoice to see it. There is hope and joy in seeing everyone working together on a project. I hope to make my vision a reality.

Feeling Alienated and Out of Touch

I'm reminded once again how out of touch I am when I look at this picture. Beautifully desolate with the sun streaming on an overcast sky, it is funny how people can kick you when you least expect it. To be honest, maybe I was expecting it. I never learned the lesson to be tactful in my dealings. I should have known that the feeling of alienation would continue indefinitely.

I learn daily that I do have to trust the Lord in all things. I try to do something in my own power and fall flat on my face every time. I do have to question why I've alienated half of my family, but they don't understand the daily struggles I am under either. Do I go to the next family gathering? I wonder...I know a lot of you struggle this way too. Words you meant to say get twisted somehow and you wonder if it's worth it to reconcile. I know this happened before with other members of my family...We haven't talked to each other in years. It seems simplier to let "sleeping dogs lie" than to try to explain things.

Yes, I admit I lack tact and sometimes am a bit blunt with my words. Yes, it does hurt when your words come back to haunt you....but they needed to be said. Yes, some may think that I'm bitter. I'm not....blunt but not bitter. If I say something to you, I try my hardest to temper it... I don't always succeed. It is funny. Right now I'm feeling the same anger that I felt before....You know the kind. You probably experienced it once or twice yourself. You want to scream, but you fear no one will hear you.

Do I want to do the easy thing and just give excuses not to come to a family gathering? Yes, I admit that. It would be very easy just to say "I don't want to go" and bow out. I know this is not the road I'm meant to take. I need to take the high road. I need to forgive those who maligned me in e-mails and on-line knowing that they probably thought they were doing right by me. I need to admit that my words, even though true, hurt....and learn to be more tactful. I need to thank God for the hard lessons I'm learning and not go back to the warm shell I put myself in.

Being Thankful for The Little Things

Yes, I'm learning this lesson now. I know that I am thankful that there is still enough money to afford to have Internet connections at home. I know that I am thankful that my health is relatively good. I am thankful for food on the table, a home to live in and heat.

I am grateful for friends and family who support me. It has been difficult to change the schedule I've had for the past two and half years, but it had to be done. I am now in the midst of searching for on-line jobs that I can do working from home. It has been quite an adjustment for me to finally admit that there are no regular jobs for me anymore. Employers are not willing to take their chance on someone like me. I'm a risk to them and there are too many others that are willing and capable of doing the jobs I'm capable of doing.

I can be thankful that I do have my writing to fall back on...and I have been making some money at it. I just wish for that 9 to 5 Monday to Friday job I used to have....sigh! Yes, I do have more freedom now to tackle the history project I've assigned myself to do....because I feel it's important that young people know about their local history before it all disappears.

I guess I'm stressed because I know that I will owe taxes this year...and am not sure I'll be able to pay them. I wonder how many are in my situation....it could be a lot....another sigh....

I can be thankful for our police and fire departments who keep us safe...for water and electricity...Yes, I can be thankful for all that.

The one thing I'm most thankful for though is God's saving grace.

Trying To Make My Way In The New Year

It has been really hard for me to adapt to not having public transportation to rely on. My money ran out for this expense in December and I had to cut the expense. I am trying to make it a little easier for myself by going on long walks every day at lunch. It helps. The strain of trying to find viable employment has drained me. I admit that readily.

I still don't know how the employment situation will go for me. I'm not all that technically literate. Sometimes I feel lost with all the new technology. I realize that a lot of it has replaced people like myself who used to do the work that is now done by computer.

It is nice not to have to struggle into work when its snowing or bitterly cold out. Nowadays a lot of work can be done by computer remotely without much interaction. I do miss that interaction though. I fear that the younger generation will have no access to the physical world around them. I know what my priority has to be this year. I have to raise awareness of the connections there are between the young and their local historical resources. It won't be an easy task.