Feeling Alienated and Out of Touch

I'm reminded once again how out of touch I am when I look at this picture. Beautifully desolate with the sun streaming on an overcast sky, it is funny how people can kick you when you least expect it. To be honest, maybe I was expecting it. I never learned the lesson to be tactful in my dealings. I should have known that the feeling of alienation would continue indefinitely.

I learn daily that I do have to trust the Lord in all things. I try to do something in my own power and fall flat on my face every time. I do have to question why I've alienated half of my family, but they don't understand the daily struggles I am under either. Do I go to the next family gathering? I wonder...I know a lot of you struggle this way too. Words you meant to say get twisted somehow and you wonder if it's worth it to reconcile. I know this happened before with other members of my family...We haven't talked to each other in years. It seems simplier to let "sleeping dogs lie" than to try to explain things.

Yes, I admit I lack tact and sometimes am a bit blunt with my words. Yes, it does hurt when your words come back to haunt you....but they needed to be said. Yes, some may think that I'm bitter. I'm not....blunt but not bitter. If I say something to you, I try my hardest to temper it... I don't always succeed. It is funny. Right now I'm feeling the same anger that I felt before....You know the kind. You probably experienced it once or twice yourself. You want to scream, but you fear no one will hear you.

Do I want to do the easy thing and just give excuses not to come to a family gathering? Yes, I admit that. It would be very easy just to say "I don't want to go" and bow out. I know this is not the road I'm meant to take. I need to take the high road. I need to forgive those who maligned me in e-mails and on-line knowing that they probably thought they were doing right by me. I need to admit that my words, even though true, hurt....and learn to be more tactful. I need to thank God for the hard lessons I'm learning and not go back to the warm shell I put myself in.