Lately I have been struggling with depression. I know why. Even though I do have a job, I still have this feeling that I'm not accomplishing anything. Maybe it's because no one I know feels that what I do is work. Maybe it's because my work is "for hire" and I haven't been able to get myself out there yet. I'm not sure how to shake it. The "blue" feeling covers everything and every situation, even the good ones.
Long term unemployment does rob you of self esteem. You are damaged goods in the eyes of the world. Some times it's quite easy to think about ending it all. You pull away from family and friends because it's too hard to hear their taunting words and to see their accusing stares. They don't understand. It has been too long since you've heard an encouraging word. Everyone tells you that you should just "take anything"....that having a job is better than what you're going through now. They are not listening. You have to admit that you stopped listening too.
It's almost like being stuck in a big bowl of taffy, unable to get free and suffocating from the pressures well meaning people put you under on a daily basis. I have to admit if I let myself dwell on my current situation that I'd just as soon end it all. I can't do that. It just wouldn't be right, but I can understand the temptation to do it. It is very real.
The only resolution to this is to have full time employment that fills my need and supports me. I'm still searching for that now....as I remember what someone said..."endure or die." Yes, I may just die...but it will be on God's time...not mine.
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