Ready To Set Aside the Old and Embrace The New

When I think about this year and the struggles I've had to make people aware of the society I feel like crying. I feel very frustrated by the weak attendance and by the lack of support I've received. I know that I've been trying too hard to do it all myself. I should let go. I know that, yet I just can't. There are still people that want me to succeed with this project.

So I can't give it up like a bad dream. I am ready to set aside the old way of thinking about my current situation and embrace the new way of thinking about it. I do want the society to grow. I do want to make a difference in my community.

Working as part of the 125th anniversary committee has opened my eyes to the community in ways that I never thought possible. I am grateful for the experience and the opportunity to become a part of the 4th of July celebration. I know that I probably won't be doing a Tag Day again soon, but really got some insights about the community then as well.

I do have a feeling that the society will move forward this year with the History Room. The borough is supportive of our current efforts but we will need to do more. I can be grateful that I did make a difference by alerting the public about the library. They have implemented my suggestions...:-). We are still not "friends" but all I really cared about was saving those books from the dumpster. It was a high achievement for me to see that happen. I managed to save quite a few of the old Delaware County history books that the library was originally planning to throw out. I wasn't able to save all of them. Unfortunately the mindset of the whole library system is to get rid or donate any old books. It seems insane to me....a book lover to get rid of a book just because it is old.

I can't embrace the new technology that fast. I long for a simpler time even though I do use this technology on a daily basis. I am not "all-in" with it. I only use certain things such as this Blogger to express my thoughts and Facebook to connect with friends easily. I am easily frightened by the advances that threaten to take away our freedoms making us more like cattle to be tagged.

In some ways, I am ready to set aside the old and embrace the new. I know that technology does have its good side in helping connect people and bring information that wouldn't be accessible in the past to us. Yet I can't help thinking that there is a cost in all this. Will we survive? Only time will tell.

Rays of Hope-Joyful Signs of the Season

I always loved this time of year when I was small. There seemed to be such hope in the faces of the people I'd meet. I grew up during a time when people still celebrated Christmas with a Christmas concert in the auditorium. I looked forward to singing the solo in "O Holy Night" but wasn't picked.

I didn't know about the annual tree lighting and celebration when I started researching my hometown for a book. I discovered the celebration when I started getting actively involved in the community. I am a little bit sad that I wasn't able to participate as a child. The children all have such hopeful looks on their faces. I can tell that they are living in the moment eager to see Santa. I see in their faces rays of hope. It makes me feel good to see all the holiday decorations. I see these joyful signs of the season as an invitation to relax.

I do praise God for this season of light in the midst of a dark world. I do praise God for his son who came to Earth as a baby and became one of us. I do praise God for everything he has done for me and the love he is showing to me right now. God has got a hold of me and won't let go.

Stepping Out and Moving Forward

It's been a little while since I last posted here. There have been some changes to the site which I don't know if I like or not. It does seem a bit strange to be typing in this space but I think I will get used to it.

I am stepping out and moving forward from the depressive pit that I've found myself in. I don't want to dwell there anymore. I am shaking off the feelings that have weighed me down. There is some daylight now. I can see it.

Wallowing in self pity is counterproductive. Yet there are still times when I feel that nothing is going right. I want to wallow then. I need to move forward and embrace the new life the Lord is giving me. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I want to feel excited about this time of year...yet I know too many who struggle. They don't have loved ones that visit them or take them gifts. They feel all alone. Yet they are not alone.

Still Fighting-A Republic Saved

Everyone who has been following the culmination of the 2016 election knows who won. As I wrote last week as I was waiting for the election results, I knew that God placed Donald Trump in this position. We may not understand everything that happened to make this a reality. Some riots and protests have occurred since the election.

The globalists are up in arms about the results. They are making it seem that Trump stole the election. He didn't. The people spoke. The electoral college worked. I do have a very clear picture now about why we still need the electoral college with elections. An electoral college assures that every voice is heard whether it be in some small town in Nebraska or a big city like New York.

He does have a huge amount of work to do. He is still fighting the liberals who want to bring the country to chaos. Does he have problems? There is no denying this. Has the media portrayed Trump supporters as haters? Yes. I understand this all too well. Do they understand that the only reason many people voted for Trump was that he promised to take back our country from the globalist forces that were threatening to tear it apart? No. They are all good global citizens.

The evidence is all around us that they just don't care about their country at all. They have been indoctrinated in the drone mentality that says "the global union will take care of you." It seems nice to have that openness and connectivity...yet there is a price. That price is our national sovereignty.

A presidency under such a liberal person would mean the death knell for America. I do believe that with all my heart. We need to be able to teach young people that freedom is precious and has been fought for with blood, sweat and tears. We need to be able to persuade people to turn back to God. We have strayed too long and accepted too much.

Will we be persecuted for our beliefs? Yes. This will happen. It is already happening. I tell myself daily that God is in control. He knows what's going to happen today, tomorrow and in the future. We just have to trust him.

"A Republic-If You Can Keep it..."

I sit here anxiously waiting for the results of the 2016 Presidential election. An election that many are saying could change America forever. I know what everyone is saying about the two candidates that are running for this office. They are both corrupt in their own ways. Each will have to answer to God for their sins.

I do feel that God does have a hand in this election. I know that he has forgiven and is using Donald Trump to expose the corruption in the government. He has also exposed the rapid encroachment of globalism in America on the economy. I don't believe that he (if he is elected) will be able to quickly detach the USA from the global union. It is much too strong a force for any one man or woman.

The burning question that comes to my mind as I read and watch what's happening is whether or not we will continue on the path of one world government. In the End Times, a world government is set up with an economic system and a social system that everyone must adhere to or die.

The technology for this global union is already in place. Forces are pushing people to reject cash payments and accept only electronic payments. I see this happening with my own eyes. I saw the result with the library situation I discussed last week. In much the same way libraries are getting rid of the repositories and blocking people from getting information.

They give the excuse that "everything is on the Internet" and that no one wants to read or study a physical book anymore. Even with this election, it is all electronic. Who really knows what's going on? You try to make sense of it all. You wonder about all the things you see and the propaganda that flies around everywhere.

I do believe that America is at a crossroads. The erosion of our rights as citizens in a free country is increasing at an alarming rate. No one seems to understand Ben Franklin's admonition when he spoke his famous words of " a republic, if you can keep it.." in reply to someone who had concerns about the establishment of the new government.

When you look at things from a purely globalist view, then things are moving along at a quick pace and opportunities abound. For a globalist like Hillary Clinton, there really is no America. We are members of a global union. Big corporations that have their headquarters overseas embrace the globalist agenda. In fact they are all for the trade agreements that curtail American industry and make us part of a global union.

Globalization is happening. The people that are talking about the dissolution of the USA are right. We will be a small part of global union...the North American branch along with Canada and Mexico. We will be joined by South America. This is already happening. There are plans in the works to consolidate countries into bigger entities.

The globalist will tell you that this is a good thing. They will convince you that the over two hundred year American experiment has failed. They will deride you for believing in God and his son Jesus Christ. You will be martyred for this belief. It is happening here. It will continue if the globalist agenda is embraced.

Down With The Masses and Figuring Out Next Steps

It's been a little while since I last wrote this blog. I have been busy working on an issue that is very important to me. I never suspected that this would come to a head like it has. It feels like I'm swimming upstream with the fishes. You might be saying to yourself right about now, "What is she saying? She is not making any sense."

Frankly I'll agree with you because what my local library is planning to do doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. I have to admit that I do have a clearer understanding of the situation today than I have had for a little while. I understand the need for space and the desire for new books. I truly do.

Yet when I first heard that the library was planning to get rid of half their collection, I kind of freaked out. I wrote some things that were untrue, but I didn't know they were untrue at the time. I just can't help thinking that if they communicated a little better then I wouldn't have felt it necessary to say anything.

I'm still straining to wrap my mind around some things that were said. I want to be down with the masses of people that will use this library in the future. I want them to feel that the information they are getting from the library is relevant to them. At the same time I don't want them to lose their heritage which I feel will be lost if they have no access to reference material in a physical sense.

My stomach twists because I feel that the "powers-to-be" don't understand the relevance of having a viable non-fiction and reference section. I'm still figuring out next steps. I can't save all these books from being destroyed just because they are old and seemingly have no value. However I can in my own way open their eyes to the masses who utilize this library frequently and deserve to have some say in what happens to it.

That's not to say that I'm against new books. I welcome new books. Frankly if they said that they would replace the older reference books with newer ones, then I would accept the purging of half the collection. They didn't. So I save as many books as I can from the dumpster.

Am I crazy for doing this? Maybe....but what is the alternative? Do we allow this to happen without a voicing our opposition to the plan? My thoughts are all in a jumble now. I do have a lot to think about and I may not get the opportunity to voice my concerns at all. That is a very real possibility...or they may just change the venue without letting anyone know about it. That would be bad...:-(

Feeling Lost and Down-Election Blues

I'm feeling lost. It's not surprising that I should feel this way. Both sides of the election are painting grim pictures of the other side. I don't know where to turn. It is hard to listen to all the garbage that is being put out there.

I can't decide. I'm being made to feel like a pariah for my indecision. I understand the importance of this election. I do. I've been living with the consequences of eight years of bad government and the turning away from God. I've been threatened because of my strong faith in God. I know that part of the reason why I'm still in this situation is because the government has turned its collective back on God and has embraced the sins of homosexuality and depravity.

I am glad that I don't have kids. I see the struggles they have and know that their rights are being systematically destroyed by those who dictate what they see, read and hear. Some of my contemporaries say that this "caged bird" syndrome is all young people know. They are trapped in an electronic prison unable and unwilling to make choices on their own.

I'm feeling blue about all the violence, backbiting and downright lies that are swirling around in the air because of this election. At times I do fear that there will be a revolution. I often wonder if this is how they felt in the 1760s when the British tried to strictly govern them. They didn't have a voice then. We don't realize just how lucky we are to have that voice. Yet I fear that it is being taken away. I am concerned about the "body count" attributed to Clinton. It just doesn't make any sense.

I have to keep reminding myself daily that God is in control.

Don't Know How To Feel-Just Hanging On

Things are starting to gel a little bit from last week. I am feeling a bit better about what's going on. I still don't know how to feel about what I heard about the library last week. I am just hanging on to hope.

I know our country is in bad shape. I understand the hate that swirls around each candidate like a wreath. I want to do something but I'm not sure what that is. I embrace the little bits of joy that filter through the darkness. I keep my head up striving for mastery. Will I survive this "train wreck" of an election? Who knows?

All I know for sure is that God is in control. I saw him in the wreckage of an old historical church on Saturday. His form remained pure when all around him there was broken glass.

The pressure is tremendous to cast a vote. They tell you that if you don't that you're throwing it all away. I don't know how to feel about that. I feel that obligation and duty to vote. Yet there is no one I feel good about voting for. I am just hanging on hoping for a ray of light to penetrate this darkness.

I stand fast against the darkness. I do see a tiny bit of light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I feel hopeful about the direction I'm taking here. God will bless me. He has blessed me with so many opportunities to serve him. I'm grateful to be alive.

Lord will guide me. I just have to trust him.

Bogged Down and Stressed Out-Fighting Fears

Another strange title but it is how I'm feeling right now as I unsuccessfully tried to promote a baking contest. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't have the right contacts that would be enthused enough to promote it. I just don't know what I was thinking when I proposed it.

I am feeling bogged down by all the responsibilities that have been laid at my feet. I am stressed out by trying to make myself heard. I am fighting fears and feeling sick over the devastation and future devastation from Hurricane Matthew.

I know I'm not alone. Even though sometimes it feels that way. I have been going through a lot lately. The latest shock was what the Collingdale library plans to do with all their non-fiction and reference books. I just felt sick. Why? Why would you throw away 22,000 books!!!! It is so crazy that I still have difficulty wrapping my mind around it.

Yes, it does seem like the government is trying to get rid of history this way. Throwing away old and relevant books and expecting everyone to rely on the Internet for information is crazy. I do admittedly take information from the Internet for my work. Yet I would love to have the opportunity to check out some old reference books to confirm my information. It's getting too hard now. They don't want to you to know the truth.

I am bogged down by the weight of oppression. When will it all end? My dad keeps hoping that Jesus will come soon. I do too. This world is not mine own.

Feeling Worn but Pressing On

I came back from two meetings today. I did get some practical information but not geared toward the smaller organizations at the first meeting. I do feel I can use it to some degree. Since I'm not part of a big organization and really don't have the support I need to make things happen, I am feeling worn.

The second meeting was promising. Things are starting to move forward but it is hard when no one seems to show up. It is especially hard when you start depending on these people. I am pressing on and praying for the clouds to break over the obstacles that stand in our way.

I am encouraged to learn that the possibility of some action on one of the old buildings in Darby has increased. Understandably it is frustrating that things are moving so slowly and there is still a possibility of losing everything. I do pray that there is a change in attitude and eyes are open to the possibilities and potential Darby has.

The way things are now it doesn't look like things will change. I have to keep pressing on and encouraging others to press on as well. We need to find some motivation to get these kids off the street at night and into productive jobs. How do you do that? I haven't quite figured that out.

Then there is the increasing pressure and a deadline looming to find sustainable employment by January. I really should find something before then because my funds will be completely dry...:-( by then if not sooner.

I found a new (old) church to go to as my old church has radically changed their direction. I noticed it early last year...but stuck with them then. I did miss some of the activities and hated the change to a newer version of the bible. I found myself questioning what they were saying.  I didn't want to believe it at first. I stuck with them while they celebrated their 100th anniversary last year. I then mourned as more changes took place. Finally I decided that I had enough. I couldn't in good conscience continue on with that church. The changes they implemented starting two weeks ago were just too radical for me. It was time for me to move on.

Overwhelmed and Stressed Out

I know that it's been a couple of weeks since I've written this blog. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything right now. It's not easy to push for ads. You get some rejection. You get questions. Am I making the right decisions?

I know that my parents are saints to put up with me. I am stressed out because I just can't seem to find enough time to do what I need to do. It's not easy to put yourself out there. You get rejected. You have questions. Did I do the right thing by writing those letters?

I know that there is a need out there. I am sure that there is someone out there that needs my services. Yet I can't seem to make the right connections. It's not easy to be patient when you're low on funds. You want answers. Should I be pressing and pushy to get those leads?

I am stressed out because I need funds to produce this booklet and banner. Oh, Lord...please help me to see that people do care about their community and want to promote their businesses and organizations.

The Old Bait & Switch

Hi, have you ever gone on a job interview only to find out that the job you were interviewing for wasn't the one that you applied for? Yup, it just happened to me. Here I was excited with the opportunity of finally working when I got the rug literally pulled out in front of me. I appreciated the interest, but I hadn't really applied for that type of position. It wasn't something I was comfortable with doing again.

Frankly I have to admit that I was expecting something else. I did resign myself to taking the position for a couple of seconds. Yes, it was tempting to just keep my mouth shut and accept it. Something nagged at me. I knew that if I succumbed to the pressure and accepted it, I wouldn't be happy. You might be saying right now..."Oh, take the "damn" job already!" I couldn't and be honest with them and myself.

It did get me thinking that if they could do that from the very beginning, then there is no telling what they might do once I've settled into the position. I'm looking for stability. I'm looking for a position where I feel I can make a difference. I don't like the feeling of being "toyed with" and put in a compromising position. I felt that I had to be honest.

No one likes the old bait and switch tactics when they want to buy something. It's not good for business and it's not good for life. I do have another interview, not with the same company, tomorrow. I'm hoping for better results.

Rays of Hope-Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm feeling a lot better about myself this week. Things are starting to turn around for me on the job front. I'm feeling hopeful and needed. It's a good feeling...one that I hadn't felt for a little while. I don't want to jinx it though. Something can always happen.

Lord knows my needs. He grants my desires. I don't want to go back to the way I was before my eyes were opened to the world around me. I know that I was selfish and self serving in many ways. I am learning that I need to open up and reach out to others. Keeping stuff bottled up inside isn't good.

I do see some light at the end of this tunnel. I am praying that I do get the position with this company. They seem really friendly and willing to go out on a limb for someone like me. I would owe them some loyalty for their efforts.

Lord knows I need some good news. He is providing for my needs and for my family's needs. Thank you, Lord. I know that I don't deserve your love, yet you give it to me freely. Help me to be the person you want me to be.

Wanting To Strangle Someone

Hi, before you get into a tizzy about this title...I caught your attention, didn't I? It has been a very tough week for me. It doesn't help when someone thinking they are doing this huge favor actually makes things worse. I know she had the best of intentions with her monetary gift but it has caused major issues in my family.

I'm about ready to strangle someone for putting this much pressure on me. She just doesn't realize the harm that she's causing with her insinuations that I'm not pushing enough to find employment. It's bad enough when someone I live with every day accuses me of not doing enough, but it really hurts when someone who really doesn't understand the situation puts their "two cents" in. The person I'm living with will never understand the pressure and is always complaining about her circumstances.

Do you really think that I'm just sitting here doing nothing?.....Ugh! I talk to others outside the family and they seem to get it. It's amazing when I get the opportunity to vent about my current circumstances how much better I feel. Yet then I realize that I shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry to strangers. Oh well....sometimes you just have to let go.

I'm thankful for the ability to talk to Jesus and air out what's bothering me. I'm grateful for his guidance in my life even when I start to feel like I want to strangle someone. I realize that in my own power and strength that I would not be able to extinguish this feeling. Jesus does give me the ability to control the anger and frustration I'm feeling now at those who are now irritating me. I can love them through him. Without him, there is no love.

Waitng for a Miracle and Hoping for the Best

I know that it's been a few weeks since I last posted on this blog. A lot has happened since then. Justifying my new employment as a freelance writer isn't easy. It is however a lot easier than saying I'm unemployed and unemployable. Yet for all intents and purposes I am. There I said it.

I am waiting for a miracle and hoping for the best. It hasn't been easy to say that I really can't do this or that because there is just no money. I do have to justify any expenses I incur now because I'm on the government's dole. It does hurt to admit this. It's no fun to pretend that I'm doing fine when I feel torn up inside because of my inability and unwillingness to expose myself online.

I can let the anger and frustration of my current circumstances overwhelm me. I can give in to the despair and bitterness that surrounds me on a daily basis, but I won't.  I dont want to be remembered (if at all) as a bitter old woman who complains about everything. I want to be remembered as someone who cared enough for others to make the world a better place. I want to show future generations that there is good in everyone and miracles do happen.

I do hope for the best as I press forward. Sometimes it does get tiring, but I have to stop and look around. I have to get my head out of the "sand" of my circumstances, reach out to others and provide them with a helping hand. I can't be a "give me" kind of person. I know that I do have a tendency of focusing on my selfish goals without considering others. What kind of miracle is that if I get what I want when there are so many others that are struggling just to stay alive one more day?

I do have to start focusing on the needs of others around me. I got to stop thinking of myself and my needs. I have to start depending on God for them and acknowledging that he knows what's best for me. It is hard. I admit that sometimes I just want to scream at the injustice. I also admit there are times that I'm just not very loving to my parents and those close to me. They just don't seem to understand the struggle I'm having and they selfishly think that I can just take anything without any consequences....sigh. If I could click my heels and wishes would be granted, I would:

1) wish for a nice retirement community home for my parents to live in.

2) wish for a husband to take care of me (maybe)

3) wish for money enough to support a learning center to help young people find work and learn about their heritage

I know that I'm being selfish but I don't wish for a job. I wish for revenue streams and a career where I can make a difference in someone's life. I just know I wouldn't want to go into the medical field...too cold and impersonal for me.

Trying to Remain Positive in the Midst of A Storm

Yes, I admit that I haven't done nearly enough to push myself out of this financial mess I'm in. Yes, I admit there is a great fear that time is running out to do something productive and move forward on my dreams. No, I will not give in to despair. No, I will not wallow in self-pity and doubt my abilities to move forward.

I am trying to remain positive about my situation. I know that there are others that are far worse off than I am. I know I can't give in to fear or succumb to the irrational sense that things are falling apart around me. It is difficult to remain calm when my bank account is so low. I don't know what to do. Yet I do know that God has a plan for me. I know that he won't leave me alone and without hope.

I have to believe that there is hope for me and for my country. I need to believe that God is merciful and just. I know that God's wrath is real and will remember to follow his will. I do fear for those who believe wrongly that there is no hell and no consequences for their actions. I have to believe that those who willfully push their evil ways on those who are vulnerable will see that wrath poured down on their heads. I need to believe that those who are laughing as they desecrate the land and the people will get their "just desserts." I know that God won't tolerate those who blatantly mock God and his word for long. Their day is coming. Judgment will be swift and unending for those who continue to mock God, dismiss his servants and break his laws.

I do feel this in my bones. Our young people are being brainwashed to believe that everything is supposed to be handed to them on a platter. None realize that it takes a lot of hard work and determination to make a success.

Somedays I do feel like I'm spinning my wheels trying to find some work that I can do. I try to remain positive in this storm, but I need help.

Crisis Mode: Will My Friend Lose Her Home?

The July 4th weekend and the weekend following the celebration was a time to reflect and be thankful for what I still have. It is hard to hear though that some are not as secure. My friend is going through a particularly rough time now. School and municipal taxes are due and she doesn't know how she will get the money to pay them.

There is a very real possibility she could lose the house she grew up in. Tax liens, as I have been reading on the Internet, are serious. The municipality could decide to put the house up in a tax sale to get tax money. I think about that for my own sake as well. Our household is in a financial crisis too. I do worry about local and school taxes.

It is a pickle. I'm not sure what to tell her or where she can turn for help to keep her home. I have to believe that there is something that can be done. My greatest fear is homelessness. I see the homeless people on the street in Philadelphia and thank God that I'm not there yet.

I have to admit that it frightens me. I am like my friend in some ways. I don't have anyone I can turn to in case this scenerio plays out for me. I have to trust that God has a plan for me. I have to believe that he won't leave me and my friend alone. I have to learn the lessons now that God is teaching me and lean on him.

The violence of the past week has shaken me too. I can't image what is going through the minds of those involved. It just seemed that there is so much hate but not enough love.

I have to pray that her financial mess will be resolved, that she'll get the money she needs to pay taxes and be able to stay in her home. I pray this for myself as well. I have to trust that all things will work out for the good. Otherwise I might as well give up now.

In Crisis Mode But Thankful for Support

It may seem a bit strange to be saying this, yet I feel I must. I am grateful even now in the midst of this crisis. I know I am in God's hands. I know that he has a plan for me. I can be thankful for the support I've received. I can lift my hands up and praise the One who created me.

Yes, my financial "well" is running dry. Yes, it does seem like the evil forces have ruled the day. Yes, there are still some hard times ahead for me and for any who believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. Yes, it is hard to face the ones I love from day to day with the news that nothing has changed. My financial situation is still dire...yet the Lord still provides for my every need.

I have to admit that I am frustrated by the doors that are being slammed in my face. No one wants to admit that the world is in crisis mode. They are like a member of my family (I won't expose him/her here) that only chooses to believe God's goodness, but not his wrath. It is foolish thinking.

Not everyone will go to heaven....and yes, there is a heaven. God's wrath will fall and is falling on those who willfully ignore his teachings and go their own way. Yes, there is a hell...and those who reject God and his Son will go there. Our actions do have consequences. I strongly believe that.

What about grace? Does grace cover a multitude of sins? Yes, it does. Yet you need to understand that even though grace is there for the asking, you need to repent and turn away from your sins first. You have to understand too...that even though you have been forgiven your sins, you still have to face the consequences of that sin. It's a foolish notion to think that you can continue to sin and turn away from God...and not face the consequences. It's even more foolish to think that just because you confessed that sin that you don't have to take some responsibility for it. I'm no bible scholar. I know though that true repentance happens when you cry out to God, admit that you sinned and actively work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

I fear what they are teaching young people in school today with their "washed out" theology that has no "bite" to it at all. If a person feels that there is no consequences or that they can simply say "I apologize" and everything will be fine then they are fooling themselves. It's in the crisis mode that you can see this clearly. It's when the "rubber meets the road" when your eyes are fully opened. I know that young people today just don't want to hear about the consequences of their unbelief. They much rather tolerate the filth and abnormal behavior of those who are supposed to mentor them.

I can't really blame the young people entirely because their world has been so saturated by the filth that has reached the highest office of the land. They just don't know any better. Yet even those who have been taught the truth are veering dangerously close to the edge. For this reason and for others, I am in crisis mode.

An unexpected query and possible job offer

I was a little bit shaken up when I received the call in answer to my query about the 125th anniversary. I have to admit that it was a good feeling that I hadn't had for a long while. Persistance is starting to pay off, at least in this area. I don't know yet all the logistics, but was pleasantly surprised when the lady called me. I was equally impressed that she was willing to let me talk to her another time.

It was one of the few things that went right today. I live with two elderly parents who have various health issues. Dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of feeling bad that I can't do more and feeling frustrated with life in general doesn't help. In some ways I am where I should be, caring for my parents. I do worry about them. I want to do what is best for them.

I admittedly let myself get too involved and jump in when I'm really not supposed to jump in. I do have to stop, let others do their jobs and not but in when my opinion is not needed or desired.

Flag Day Musings-Mourning the State of Our Country

Today is the 100th anniversary of Flag Day. There is an interesting history that I admittedly didn't know until I searched for it online. The National Flag Day Foundation states that Flag Day was the inspiration of a 19 year old school teacher in Wisconsin back in 1885. Bernard J. Cigrand believed that his school children should know about why the flag was created and understand the meaning of the flag.

For him and his students, the flag symbolized the freedom and pride that Americans had in their country. It also symbolized our nation's heritage and union. Today, sadly, our union is frayed at the edges. The flag is no longer respected, except in certain groups, but is burned, mocked and torn by those who really hate America.

I've seen with my own eyes the disrespect and outright hatred some groups have with the flag. I hear and cringe inwardly whenever I hear the Pledge of Allegiance being banned from public areas. What has our country come to? I just can't understand it. We've lost our pride and our freedom to fly the flag proudly. We let those who hate our country and the Christian ideals that our country has stood for to rot and deteriorate. We allowed those who would mock us to have free reign.

We have lost our way. Flag Day used to mean something. It was a day to celebrate the symbol of our freedom and our heritage. Today though it is a day of mourning...so it is fitting that the flag is set at half mast.

Week Seven-Frustration Sets In

You think I would have expected it to happen. That dreaded rejection letter came in the mail. I knew it would. Employers are getting very personal now, asking the question "Have you or anyone in your family received food stamps in the past six months?" Ouch! I wonder what they mean by this. It's very upsetting to be discriminated because I broke down and applied for welfare.

You'd think that people like me weren't good enough for them. It really hurts. I'm frustrated because I need work. I really do. I'm just not at the point where I want to work in a dangerous, dirty situation. Yet the perception is there. I want to scream but just don't have the strength.

I'm not sure what to do now. I feel worn and depressed. Lord, can't you see me? I sometimes wonder as I look around. Lord, can't you see your suffering children? I know you do. It sometimes is so hard to keep moving when all you want to do is hide away.

I can't help thinking about the many who are just like me....taking welfare and pursuing an employment dream. I don't want to take a job I hate...and I'm not even sure they will take me anyway. There are still too many people that are younger and more eager to take those jobs. Where does that leave me? What can I do to alleviate this suffering?

I pray daily for some relief. I thank God for what he has given me. Yet I long for more. I long to be able to tell my mother that she can have what she needs to have done for her health and sanity's sake. I can see that some things will never be right for her. Her bitter spirit is sapping my strength. What does she have to be bitter about....I ask....realizing that I could be in the same boat if I had to deal with what she's dealing with now.

I can't let frustration get the best of me. I have to move forward.

Week Six-In the Wastelands

Another pretty rough week last week with no one calling or emailing me for interviews, but a couple of rejection letters. I do feel like I'm in the wastelands. I don't know what to do. Waiting for something to happen when you're out of money is difficult.

I can be thankful that my family is adjusting to the lack of money right now. I can be thankful that i still have shelter and food. I can be thankful that I'm in relatively good health, even though others in the family aren't doing as well.

Communication is key. I know that, but the problem is that there is just too much competition. I am being buried by those that are smarter and younger than I am. It is not enough to know the basics anymore. It just seems like employers are asking too much and expecting too much. They can afford to be choosy. They are not worried about whether or not they'll have a place to stay.

Our country is in the wastelands too. More and more are accepting a real gross way of life and forcing others to follow them into the pit. None understand what they are getting themselves into by accepting such gross behavior. I'm sorry. I can't accept it.

Maybe that is the reason why I'm still in my present state of crisis. I can't embrace that lifestyle. I shouldn't have to be afraid that some pervert will expose himself in the ladies room. I don't want to think about all the depravity that is going on and the wholesale worship of Satan. They hate us. They want to put fear in our hearts and turn everyone against us.

I know that is my paranoia talking....thinking that people are against me...when what they really hate is Jesus Christ. They don't want to be reminded that the USA was once a Christian nation. They don't want to acknowledge that God guided this country and made it great. We turned our collective backs by electing and supporting officials who blatantly confessed their amoral behavior and supported evil practices.

I know that God's judgment is coming for this nation and for all the nations of the world. It has been written and foretold long ago. I do believe that there was a death in 2008....a death of Christian values and beliefs. I know what you may be thinking.  You're thinking that the death had come a lot earlier. Maybe in some ways it had...once we accept sin a proper behavior and start calling moral and upright behavior bad...then we've fallen down a slippery slope.

We are in the wastelands. Technology in some ways has sucked up our collective ability to reason and think for ourselves. I admittedly depend on it way more than is good for me. In some important ways it has opened up new horizons for me. In other important ways it has barred me from meaningful work.

Can we get back that innocence and embrace the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob? I fear not. Yet God's grace is still here. We need not worry or fear. Thank you, Lord for that grace.

Week Five-Trying to Concentrate on the Good Stuff

This week hasn't been as bad as the other weeks. I guess I'm getting used to being on welfare. I have been on another interview last week, so maybe something will break soon. I know I don't want to continue on this downward path any longer.

I am also realizing that I am going to have to be more persistant about my needs. I know that I'm going to have to do some "cold calling" as well. I do appreciate everything that is happening with the celebration that I'm working on with a group of other people. I just wish that someone would see my work and want to hire me.

Am I being pushy? I sometimes feel that way. I definitely feel like I am pushing way out of my comfort zone. It is difficult to concentrate on the good stuff when I feel this uncomfortable.

Yet if I don't...then who will? Lord, I acknowledge that you are Lord of All. I put my life in your hands. Help me to know when to push and when to back away. Give me wisdom and strength to face the days ahead. Help me to find the right job for me.

You are good to me, Lord. You bring good things to my life. You hold me in your hands. I will concentrate on the good, instead of worrying about the evil. I know that you have a great plan for my life. I am your servant. Forgive my doubts and fears.

Week Four-Feeling Stressed Out

I am thankful that the "log jam" that seemingly prevented me from getting interviews has broken. I've had over half a dozen interviews since January after over a year of just one or two interviews. I had one last week and one this week. I am hopeful that I will find something very soon. I have to. Money is definitely running out.

I am a bit stressed out. Maybe it is because I've stepped way out of my comfort zone with the 125th anniversary committee and with the society. It's not easy. The job market embraces those who are willing to put themselves out there, but frowns on those who aren't willing or able to do it. It just doesn't seem fair.

I am glad for the many friends and family that are willing to stand in the gap with me. I know I've touched a nerve with my persistance and tenacity. Am I willing to put it all out there? I don't know. I'm nervous about how things will look or that I will say the wrong thing.

I am a child of the King. I have to keep saying this. He knows what I'm going through now. He knows everything about me. I just have to wait on him and his leading. Lord, I admit that I am scared. I admit that I feel uptight when I shouldn't be. I admit that sometimes I let fear and doubt overwhelm me until I can't even think straight.

Lord, please help me be the person you want me to be and do the things you want me to do. Give me the strength to face each day and help me find meaningful work.

Week Three-The Pity Party

It has been a particularly rough week for me. There have been some days when I felt so useless and depressed that I couldn't function. Anyone who tells you that welfare recipients are lazy or that they should just "get a job"...isn't living in the real world. The older generation, those born in the 1930s, 1940s and early 1950s, just don't have any concept of how difficult it is to find work. Some have no clue about the intense competition or the stigma that hangs on someone like me.

It is laughable in a way. I am struggling in this deep dark financial pit. Yes, I am having a pity party. I get angry when I hear old folks complain that they had it a lot tougher....or tell you to get a job...like it was easy to do. It's not.

There's a very good reason. Everything is online. Some companies even expect you to expose your SSN before considering you for a job. I've made that mistake a couple of times recently and I could "kick" myself for doing it. I am very stubborn about giving my SSN online, so these were paper files...but it still felt wrong. I wondered what ever happened to trust? Why would anyone need to run a credit check on you? It seems to me that we should go back to the way it was before...and only give that highly sensitive information on a W2 or W9 form when we're hired for the job.

I am realizing that it isn't easy for anyone. The media can whitewash it all they want...say that things are getting better...hope that everyone goes back into a coma...but it isn't going to happen. There are a lot of angry and frustrated people out there that are literally screaming for sustainable and supportive work that pays a steady income. I am one of them. I admit it. I am angry, frightened and weary with the whole situation.

I need help, but I don't know where to turn. It seems like everyone around me is going through the same things that I am. Everyone is struggling financially...and it isn't pretty. I pray for guidance and a sense of peace as I move forward.

I will stop this pity party and hope that within the next week or so, I will have sustainable income.

Week Two-Welfare Woes

I don't think it really hit me until this week that I've gotten down to accepting food stamps. I had a few people pity me. I could see the distain on their faces. I wish I could tell them that it really wasn't my fault that I got here. I know that it is. I'm still too stubborn to face the fact that I need to be more extroverted and more willing to take the disgusting jobs that no one else wants.

Something inside me still rebells at the thought. How did I get to this point? I don't know. I just know that somehow...someway I need to get out of this pit of sorrow and despair. I can't continue to wallow in it.

There are still jobs out there that I can do. I just need to find them...but I'm not sure how to do it. It is difficult when potential employers now see me as someone who is unemployable. They are wrong...of course. I have for the past four years worked voluntarily as the President of a non-profit organization. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes...just like with the job search...I felt defeated and lost.

I will continue to try to find work. I really have no choice now but to find something before my funds completely run out.

Week One of Being On Welfare

Yes, you read this right. I'm currently on welfare, living on food stamps (Access Card) and wondering when I can finally get out from under this stressful existence. It hasn't been a bad week. I learned some things I hadn't known about before I was actually in this situation.

1) Money is still tight. Access cards are not a way out. It's only a stop gap measure.

2) It is very easy to get food, but not that easy to get cash for food.

3) The stigma of being on welfare makes people look at you differently....but it's not as bad as I imagined it would be.

I will continue to struggle with this for a while as I try to adjust my thinking downward and move to find ways to gain revenue quickly and legally.

Yes, you may consider me lazy now for taking this handout. You may even be asking yourself why I haven't gotten gainful employment as yet. Believe me, I sometimes ask myself that same question. I pray for that job and for someone to give me a chance. It isn't easy being considered a pariah and untouchable because I've been out of the workforce for so long. I do fight with my inner feelings and with my relations because of this. Anyone who knows me knows that I do work hard. Yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here...:-(

How can I get someone to notice me and take a chance? How many others are like me struggling to get noticed and get paid for their work? I don't know. We are hidden from view and cast aside.

A New Respect For Case Workers and the Department of Welfare

I went to the welfare office today to pick up my Access Card. While I was waiting I heard about an middle-aged woman with sandals on her feet that had no access to food. I could tell that she was desperate and tired.  I heard that the case worker tried to help, but circumstances got in the way. I don't know what happened. I suspect that she got frustrated. I then saw a young mother with her two week old daughter with no place to stay. Apparently she got kicked out of the shelter. It was interesting but a bit distressing to hear those stories. I prayed for both.

It isn't easy being a case worker. You work long hours for little pay. You deal with all sorts of problems and are expected to have solutions. You don't have the resources you need to do your job. I had to smile when the assistant told me that I should pull up a desk. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.

I definitely have a goal of not staying on welfare for too long. It was necessary because of my current financial situation. I'm glad that I can do this, but sad that I have to do it. Does that make any sense? I guess in some way it does. I continue to look for ways to make money without resorting to illegal means. I tell myself daily that it will be worth it to push forward.

I will push forward. I must push forward....

Uncharted Waters: The ongoing struggle to survive in an electronic age

I googled the phrase "uncharted waters; struggles of the long term unemployed. I read an interesting 29 page report that was mysteriously deleted from a federal database and placed in a LinkedIn slide share. He really did "nail things" with this report by saying that it's not just ageism that keeping the long term unemployed without gainful employment. It is a lethal combination of getting the right certificates, having the right targeted experiences and technology itself. I know that I've experienced this myself.

I am really in uncharted waters because like a good number of my generation...we didn't grow up with the electronics and technology that is so wide spread today. We weren't specialists but had a well rounded education and on-the-job training in a variety of roles. Most of these roles unfortunately are being symptomatically taken over by electronics...ie robots and other mechanical devices.

This is having a very bad affect on our society. I know that I'm on "my last legs" having to break down and go on welfare. Anyone who says that I'm lazy really doesn't know me. They criticize me for succumbing to the pressure that I've been under for four years now. They don't know that being on welfare is the absolute last resort for me and something that I've been resisting for a long time.

It is very difficult to accept the fact that I'll soon be completely out of funds. If not for the welfare and the occasional work I'm getting paid for....I'd be on the streets like many others. I know there is a solution...but it has to come from someone who is willing to take a chance on people like myself...and pay them a living wage.

More thoughts about the End Times in Light of Terrorism

It kept playing over and over in my mind today. I know that some have become callous and cold over the terrorist attacks, but I just can't. Every time I hear something like what happened in Belgium this morning, my stomach churns and I grieve. I also wonder why God would allow it to happen.

It is also about this same time that I long for Christ's return. I know that most pastors and teachers are saying that it will be very soon. Sometimes that thought scares me. I have to re-evaluate my life and check my doubts and fears. I have to trust that God knows what he's doing by keeping me here.

It does scare me when I realize how percarious my position is now. I am less than a month away from being insolvent. It is hard to keep things going normally or act as if everything is going just dandy. I just have to look around and know that it isn't for anyone.

It may be just me. Maybe I'm not doing enough to push through the negativity around me. Maybe I just don't feel comfortable exposing myself like I've been asked to recently. Maybe I'm just not desperate enough. I don't know. I wish I did.

In this week when I reflect on all the Lord has done for me, I realize that he has opened my eyes to what he sees in the world. He weeps along with me for the lost souls stuck in desperate straits and not knowing the love he has for them.

The pressure he must have been under...knowing that he would have to sacrifice himself for the world. The pain he must have endured...not just the physical pain but the spiritual and emotion pain as well. To be separated from his father and have him turn away must have cost him heartache. Yet he did it for us. That still "blows" me away....I can't picture anyone willing to let go like that. Most of us cling to things long after they have served their purpose. We wouldn't willingly sacrifice anything...let alone our lives....Yes that is just what Jesus did that long ago Friday. Something to think about this week...

Thinking About The Journey Ahead and Wondering When the Lord Will Return

You might be thinking right about now about why I picked this particular topic right now. I have been thinking a lot about my personal journey. When you're on line like I am, you do get exposed a lot to the type of hatred that makes stomachs turn. I sometimes want to blot it out. I do wonder at times like this when the Lord will return.

You might be wondering why I would want the Lord to return. I have been asking myself if I'm ready to face the Lord. When you're in the midst of an increasingly volatile situation, thinking about the new Heaven and Earth is what gets you through it. I sometimes dream of that day when there will be no pain and no sickness. I long for the Lord's return and his reign.

You might be wishing as I am that the hatred and volatility of the world would cease. My heart aches for all those who are suffering now from persecution because of their religious beliefs. In America, this persecution is still pretty subtle...except for the fact that at least a half dozen have been brutally murdered for professing their belief in Jesus Christ in the past twenty four months.

You might be hoping that things will get better and wishing that everyone who wanted to work could work. This hits me personally. I really do want to work at a stable job with a steady income. As I think of the journey ahead, I admit that I am frightened that I will never find that stable job. I know that I have to trust God for his provision.

It is hard. I am in the pit of despair with the financial dragons at the door. I am fighting the good fight though. I have others that are interested in my plight. I do know that God has my best interest at heart and that I will get past this soon.

It will happen. I feel it in my bones. I can sense a change that is coming...just like Easter...a renewal of life.

Struggling to Understand the New Mentality

I guess I am old fashioned. I like stability. What is wrong with that? Things have been going way too fast for me. I understand that growth is good and that change is necessary. Yet I can't help thinking that change just for the sake of it is not good. Sometimes it is good to step back and re-evaluate where you are going and what you are going to do when you get there.

I may not be the brightest person, but I do now that without some core foundation any business is doomed for failure. It is true that the only reason our country has survived so long is its strong foundation. Why can't we get people to understand that without this strong foundation, anarchy will reign? It's already happening. The new mentality pushes aside this foundation. The new mentality says that we should forget history and embrace the electronic "monsters" that steal souls.

The new mentality encourages new ideas but doesn't think them through. It says that we shouldn't think of the future or the past....only the present. I do see trouble with that type of thinking. Those of us who grew up with morality plays and fables understand that only fools embrace the present without thinking about the past or planning for the future.

I am struggling to understand the new mentality. I find myself yearning for that type of stable employment where I actually feel that I'm creating a solid and lasting legacy. This new mentality doesn't allow that. Instead it embraces the here and now. There is no real plan for the future. There is no sense of place either....and that to me is sad.

Maybe this is why I'm still struggling to find meaningful and fulfilling work. I do have this pressing need to inform others about their heritage and how they can use the physical tools at their disposal. It is that need that drives me to continue to talk about local history and connections even in the midst of a job interview.

History Lost: Wondering What Will Happen Next

Admittedly I've been thinking a lot about the current state of our country. We are angry and upset with the status quo that pushes issues to the side and creates sound bites. Our children will long remember this period of time as one of the most perlious times in the history of our world. Not one of the current politicians realize what they are stepping into when they weave their fantasies and hope for the best.

History has been lost tonight. We grasped the bubble and watched it explode in our faces. I do wonder what will happen next. Will our nation become like Hilter's Germany? Will we forget our compassion for people and grow the divide between the races?

It is scary to think about what rights have already been trounced and forgotten. How many more will be trounced on before the next president comes to office? I have to admit that I am struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel. Is it wrong to wish to be raptured? I felt that way tonight as I listened to the speeches and cringed inwardly at the false promises.

There are times that I almost feel like giving up. I really have nothing to live for, and no great vision to pursue. I have no legacy...no children who will carry that legacy either. I do however have a great passion for young people to know their heritage. I feel strongly that there is so much to be learned from history that no one should be missing.

History has been lost tonight with the nominations of God hating individuals. Why do I say that? I say that because those individuals have not shown their love for others, only for themselves. If they truly loved God, instead of hating him...then it would show outwardly. Unfortunately it hasn't. Instead they managed with sweet words to deceive many.

Now the Questions Begin-Fighting for Relevancy

I did it. I put the packet in the mail and got a call from the welfare office. I knew that they were going to have to get me to justify the reasons why I needed the benefits. I was prepared to answer as best I could, but it still felt uncomfortable. I felt that I had to fight for relevancy.

I'm frustrated and tired. I do feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. Yes, I am employed. Yes, I am not making enough to support myself. No, I haven't had a "real" job for a while. No, I can't justify my existence...(well maybe not that question...but it does feel like being racked over the coals) It should be easy. Yet I still feel guilty for even asking for help now. I should have a job.

I don't want to be in this position. Who does? Why would anyone want to grovel and beg for assistance? I want to be able to sustain myself and my family. I don't like having to justify my existence.

Yet I can see some light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I keep telling myself that this is only temporary. I will have something soon that will support me. I must keep pushing and knocking on doors to get the word out. I know that I have to do what I can.

Will something happen soon? I don't honestly know. The questions still remain. How do we remain relevant in a world that has increasingly gone blind to community? What must we do to make the younger generation aware of their heritage? Is there some way we can make some revenue off honest and clean entertainment? I don't know. I just know I can't get involved in games of chance or condone the drinking.

So what do I do? Oh, Lord....I just don't know. I need your help.

Going on Welfare: This is only temporary

Yup, you read the title right. I picked up the paperwork today and will fill it out tomorrow. I have no choice. I'm running on "fumes" now with no job prospects in sight. I can console myself that this is only temporary and that I've done the best that I could to keep out of it. I just don't see any way that I can avoid this necessary step. My recent bout with a bug that I'm really still getting over has convinced me that I need to go on welfare.

Anyone who knows me knows that this decision hasn't come lightly. I have fought the good fight, scoured the job boards and talked to people I know about my situation. I'm not even sure that I'll be accepted for welfare, but I do know that I need it now.

I know that the job interviews I had didn't pan out because I just don't have what they need. I've been out of the job market for too long, except for my work with the society and my writing. It is hard to admit that I failed so miserably in finding work. Going on welfare doesn't mean that I'm giving up looking for work....It is a requirement to receive benefits to at least show you're trying.

I can only speculate what happened to get me in the financial bind that I'm in now. I can be thankful for support from my family and my friends. I know that they are in some ways facing the same financial crisis that I am. I don't come from a rich family. We struggled at times to make ends meet. I know that the Lord provides for me. That's why I know that I need to do this for my sake and for my family's sake.

It is the right thing to do. I have to keep telling myself that. I do feel guilty to even ask. I am for the most part able-bodied, yet there are certain jobs I just can't do. I can't lift 25 pounds easily. I don't work well at night. I need to find a daytime job....one that allows me to grow...yet I know that I am at the point where I just need to accept anything as long as it pays money.

Sometimes I just want to ask God why....but then I realize that I wouldn't have met any of the people that I've met in the past almost four years if I'd been employed in a regular job. I wouldn't have had any of these great ideas or been a sounding board for others who are struggling as I am to understand why things have gotten so bad.

Feeling Determined To Find Something

If you have been reading and following this blog for a while, you have a glimpse of my current financial situation. You understand that I am only one of many who are finding themselves adrift in a sea of broken dreams. I am, however, feeling determined to find something within the next two weeks. I already had three interviews in the past three weeks...which it actually more than I've had in the past three years.

I am telling everyone that I'm a freelance writer. I am telling everyone that I'm not giving up on looking for sustainable work. I'll do that even if I have to apply for welfare. I am determined not to stay in this state. I will utilize (if I get it) welfare as a last resort. I am determined to find that steady income stream. I know that my work as a freelance writer is not steady.

I need that steady income stream. At this point in time, I may be forced to do some things that I'm not really capable of doing. I try not to think of what this means. I just have to do what I need to do.

I pray daily for direction from the Lord. I know that he controls my destiny. He knows my situation and he is going to work things out for the good. I have to believe this or go crazy. Will he rain down blessings on me? I don't know. I hate to think of the alternatives.

I know that I need to stop "stressing out"....and start praying for a miracle. God has a good plan for me. Sometimes though it is so hard to believe this. I look at my dwindling bank account and I want to weep. I hear the unspoken words of those who depend on my support, knowing that I'm just going to have to tell them that I can't do it for a little while.

I ask myself the questions that have tortured me over this long period of underemployment. Am I good enough to get noticed? Can I do the hard work needed to promote myself? Will anyone pay me to do work for them? Where will I find enough money to support myself and my family now?

I am determined to find something rather quickly. I have two weeks...actually less than two weeks before the "bottom" drops out. If you think of me at all....would you please pray that I find a job in the next two weeks...I don't want to be homeless.

Desperate but still holding on

Yes, I do see some faint light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. Things are starting to open up, but I am still desperate. Three weeks more and I'll just have to "bite the bullet" and succumb to government pressure. You might be saying right now that I should give up now. Tempting as that is, I can't...not yet.

Only the Lord knows what will happen. I know this. I can't sleep at night though worrying about my appending financial ruin. It's very hard for me. I can't seem to get the support I need to pull myself out of this deep dark financial pit.

Yes, it is at the lowest depth that we see God clearly. I can honestly say that I don't regret this time of unemployment and extreme underemployment. I met a lot of nice people who are also struggling. I've been able for short periods of time take my eyes off my rapidly deteriorating situation. I discover some new purposes in life as well. Unfortunately I seem to be dragging back to the slime pit I build for myself over the past four years.

Sometimes it just doesn't seem that long since I had steady employment and money coming in. Yet it has been. Do I regret not staying with that corporation? No. I can honestly say that I don't regret it. I wasn't treated right there, and I needed to leave.

I can't speculate what would have happened if I decided to let the corporation degrade me and take a paycut while working as a virtual slave. Some might say that I deserved being treated that way. I took the high ground though and they respected that. Could I have done things better? Again...I just can't speculate. I just have to leave things as they are, knowing that I've learned some valuable lessons.

Yes, I am desperate...but I am still holding on....and hoping for a miracle. God knows I need one right now.

Scrambling to Find Some Relief and Getting Low on Resources and Time

All of you who have been reading my blog know that time is running short for me. I don't know when time will end. I don't know why all of this is happening. I don't know what my next steps are. All I do know is that my financial situation is now critical. Almost like the world's situation....no one really knows when it will happen. All of us are still hoping for some sort of miracle.

We hang on to the Lord's promises, even when the sky is dark. I admittedly am scrambling to find some relief from the pressure I am feeling. It isn't pretty when you know that if you don't have sustainable revenue in the next month or so, you may have to succumb to government forces. Believe me when I tell you...no one, at least in my generation, actively seeks government intervention in helping them survive. Most of us really only take government help as our last resort.

Admittedly two-thirds of the population already have some sort of government assistance. This comes mostly in the form of healthcare since the price of even basic care has gone "through the roof" in cost. Most have no choice but to accept this type of government handout. They don't understand though what they are giving up. The government now controls your life.

I am getting low on resources that I can tap to steer away from this government control. I am following the Lord's lead though to keep out as long as I can. It isn't easy. I have to be careful and cautious, knowing that the Lord has kept me so far from oppressive government control.

I find myself asking the question: Will I be prepared when the economic crisis hits? Will any one of us be prepared for what the world will look like when it happens or will the Lord turn the economic tide back and save us from disaster?

How do I prepare for dissolution and despair or is that Satan talking? My Lord, you know the times and the seasons....help me prepare for your soon return and help all of us lean on you.

Seeking New Horizons While Focusing on The Old

I have a dream. I want to see everyone who longs for meaningful work and sustainable income to get it. I do envision a world where everyone has a purpose and is fulfilling that purpose.

I guess you can say that I'm seeking new horizons while focusing on the old. Why? Because I really don't know how to do anything else. I've been wired to work, but I've been frustrated by the fact that I'm competing with thousands. Then there's technology. Obama is right to blame it for some of the fallout, but not all of it.

I have a wish. I want the world to see what technology is doing to the planet and its people. I do envision a world where technology has taken over from humans. Admittedly that scares me.

I guess you can say that I want the world to go back to the way it was before all the technology took over. Children have no idea of how much technology has taken over their lives. Yet I do see peeks of innovation in those eyes. I'm not sure how to get them to see the physical world around them. If more refused to embrace the technology, we might have a better world.

I have a goal. I want to set up connections between the physical and the electronic so the younger generation will have something to hold onto when everything goes south. I do envision a world where the physical living history can be experienced. Right now...it's not happening.

I guess you can say that I'm crazy. I believe that there are ways to connect the two...which is why I'm seeking new horizons while focusing on the old. It is only from our history that we can learn the lessons to reach the heights. It is foolish to think that all there is....is in the future...or that we can't learn anything from our ancestors. They can teach us so much...if we only stop and listen.

A New Venture-Taking Those First Steps

I guess I can blame my parents for literally forcing me to take these first steps. They know my financial situation. The pressure is definitely on to do something to gain employment and/or gain a steady source of income within the next couple of months. They just don't want to hear anymore how difficult it is. I understand. They've put up with me for too long. Yet I can't help but get excited about a new venture that just may be the "ticket" for me to get some much needed cash.

I can't say too much right now since it's in the very early stages of development. The initial meeting to hash out the ideas this afternoon was very interesting. The problem is how to get the right people interested and willing to help out. It all comes down to who will be willing to invest in the idea. Ideas are good, but if you can't get any traction on them...then they "flop." For the people that are in on it with me, I'd hate to see that.

It is kind of scary too. I don't have the money to invest. I do have the passion to save these old buildings, making them useable again and creating revenue for the borough(s). It is going to be hard to make borough(s) understand the benefits they can realize by renovating and reusing old buildings instead of demolishing them. This will be hard to get across because American society loves to discard old stuff for new. It is only fairly recently that some have pressed for conservation and renewal of our resources. It makes economic sense as well.

We do have to sit down, polish up our ideas and get them in easy to understand format. Generating interest will be a key component in getting our ultimate goals in place. What am I hoping with this venture? I guess I'm hoping to generate a steady income for myself. If that's selfish talk, then I'd have to agree...but it's not going to get anywhere if there is no "buy-in." It is the old "what's in it for me" syndrome. The investors need to know what they will get out of their investment. It makes sense. Even I would like to have my money work for me.

I do pray that something comes my way. I admittedly dread having to work for a medical office or company. The pressure is there though...my parents want me to take anything...just so money is coming in. I admit that my financial situation has caused me to reconsider my stance for shift work, which would be my destiny should I succumb to taking a medical job. I feel fairly certain about that, since most medical offices/companies are begging for people to work those mid and overnight shifts.

I could be wrong, of course....but something else is also barring me from applying for medical office work. I hate it....plain and simple. I hate having my personal information exposed and hate having to ask all those personal questions of others. There I said it. So, my prayer is...Please...Dear God...Please Help Me Get A Job That Has Nothing To Do With The Medical Profession!!!!! I MEAN IT!

PLEASE STOP PRESSURING ME TO COMPLY WITH THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL PERSONAL INFORMATION!!!! I NEED A JOB THAT WILL NOT ASK ME TO EXPOSE MY PERSONAL INFORMATION ON THE INTERNET....AND I NEED IT NOW.

Happy New Year....I think

If someone told me back in 1999 that I'd be facing a huge financial crisis in 2016, I think I might have wanted even more to go back in time. I know that I should be looking forward, not thinking about the economic hole I've gotten myself into by traveling on this road. Yet I can't help thinking of all the life changing experiences I've had as well. This year does promise to change my life in ways I can't even imagine now.

I can't say now what those changes will look like...whether I'll even be around to celebrate 2017. No one really knows, so they tell me. The pressure to create a legacy to leave behind and to preserve legacy grows stronger day by day. I'm realizing more and more that this dependency on electronic devices and systems can only grow stronger as the younger generations are "shut out" from actually reading paper books. They are increasingly more dependent on computers and computer generated machines to do more and more. It is kind of scary.

Then there are those egomaniacs that cry crocodile tears when they know that they are feeding on people's insecurity. Freedoms are being stripped, but no one really understands or cares. I know that it will get worse before it gets better. Modern technology has made it too easy to control every aspect of a person's life. It may seem that you are free to express yourself in any way you want to, but that's not true. Messages, images and other documentation is quite easily manipulated to make someone's life a living hell.

I heard at least a few times these past five days that time is growing short to let people know about the Lord Jesus Christ. So this will be my year to come out and proclaim him as Lord of my life. I will stop with the negative posts and the "pity party" that I've been having. Instead I will embrace the path the Lord has for me and trust him to meet my needs.

No...my status hasn't changed. I'm still on the edge of financial collapse, but I'm trusting God to show me the way out and bless me financially. He has already blessed me by keeping me solvent this far and providing me with opportunities to serve. I am blessed to know the people I've met and am open to meeting new people this year.