Waitng for a Miracle and Hoping for the Best

I know that it's been a few weeks since I last posted on this blog. A lot has happened since then. Justifying my new employment as a freelance writer isn't easy. It is however a lot easier than saying I'm unemployed and unemployable. Yet for all intents and purposes I am. There I said it.

I am waiting for a miracle and hoping for the best. It hasn't been easy to say that I really can't do this or that because there is just no money. I do have to justify any expenses I incur now because I'm on the government's dole. It does hurt to admit this. It's no fun to pretend that I'm doing fine when I feel torn up inside because of my inability and unwillingness to expose myself online.

I can let the anger and frustration of my current circumstances overwhelm me. I can give in to the despair and bitterness that surrounds me on a daily basis, but I won't.  I dont want to be remembered (if at all) as a bitter old woman who complains about everything. I want to be remembered as someone who cared enough for others to make the world a better place. I want to show future generations that there is good in everyone and miracles do happen.

I do hope for the best as I press forward. Sometimes it does get tiring, but I have to stop and look around. I have to get my head out of the "sand" of my circumstances, reach out to others and provide them with a helping hand. I can't be a "give me" kind of person. I know that I do have a tendency of focusing on my selfish goals without considering others. What kind of miracle is that if I get what I want when there are so many others that are struggling just to stay alive one more day?

I do have to start focusing on the needs of others around me. I got to stop thinking of myself and my needs. I have to start depending on God for them and acknowledging that he knows what's best for me. It is hard. I admit that sometimes I just want to scream at the injustice. I also admit there are times that I'm just not very loving to my parents and those close to me. They just don't seem to understand the struggle I'm having and they selfishly think that I can just take anything without any consequences....sigh. If I could click my heels and wishes would be granted, I would:

1) wish for a nice retirement community home for my parents to live in.

2) wish for a husband to take care of me (maybe)

3) wish for money enough to support a learning center to help young people find work and learn about their heritage

I know that I'm being selfish but I don't wish for a job. I wish for revenue streams and a career where I can make a difference in someone's life. I just know I wouldn't want to go into the medical field...too cold and impersonal for me.