Trying to Make Sense of it All....Waiting for God

It has been very difficult for me to remain faithful. I want to end it all sometimes. Other times I know that the Lord has a purpose for me to fulfill. I am still trying to make sense of it all. I wonder why I just can't get the response I need for a job. Lord knows how desperate I am. He knows the precariousness of my situation. He does have a good plan for my life.

I do feel that I'm waiting for God. Yet I'm realizing that he is waiting for me. He is waiting for me to give up on my stubborn pride. He is waiting for me to trust him to provide for my every need. He is waiting for me to have faith enough to let him guide me to where I need to be.

It is hard. I feel helpless. Yet I know that he is there. I struggle to understand why he has placed such a burden on my heart. Yet I understand there is a reason. He wants me to feel. He wants me to be broken for the people around me that have lost hope.

Will I trust him to do what is best for me? Will I lean on him and not my own understanding? Yes. Even though it is hard....even though I feel like I'm being torn apart....even when I'm scared to take one last step...I will trust and lean on the Lord.

I can be faithful because he is faithful to me. Lord, please help me be what you want me to be.

Are We Living In the Last Days?

Are We Living In the Last Days? I have been thinking a lot about the End Times lately. I know that in the Bible we can't know when the Lord will come again and claim his own. We can however have an inkling about the time the Lord is likely to come again. I can also see with my own eyes all the new technology that is rapidly changing the very fabric of our existence.

Biochip Technology This innovative technology has become so sophisticated that it is prepped to be used on humans. Medical uses for biochip technology have given way to utilizing biochips for security purposes, to purchase products and identify objects and people...Biochips and their future,,,It isn't at all far fetched anymore to think that the governments of the world are deliberately alienating Christians that refuse to get on the "bandwagon" and accept being systematically marginalized. It isn't too far fetched to think that some day soon with all this new technology that those who refuse to accept the all powerful technology will be regulated to the dregs of society.

I don't know when or how much time I will have left to warn people about what's happening. I also don't know if I'm strong enough to withstand the increasing pressure from all sides to embrace the stifling and soul stealing technology that is being thrust at my feet.

I do pray for release some days. I pray for those around me, especially the young who really don't know any other life but to be controlled by this technology.

Shattered Lives-Moving forward from pain

I've been fairly fortunate. I haven't suffered too much loss in my life as yet. At least not the kind that shatters you. I realize that life sometimes can shatter you and make you wonder why you even exist. I do struggle with the pain I see around me. I feel helpless to do anything about it.

I understand that I can't know what a person is feeling unless I experience it myself. Just like no one can really understand the deep valley I've gone through these past three years. They can't know the moments when I felt that it would have been better if I hadn't been born. God knows. He calls me his cherished one. He does have a plan for my life.

I've seen my life shattered beyond all hope of reconciliation. I kept hope alive that somehow someway the light would come and shine on my state of despair. I admit that the future doesn't look that bright for me. My dreams do seem to be fading, yet I can't give in. I can't give up.

I need to move forward in God's love. I need to reach out, even if it hurts. I need to see things in a new and positive light. It is hard. The world wants to drag you into the pit with them. They hate that you can see that light and that you are moving forward.

Lord, help me to be the person you want me to be. Strengthen me for your good work. Mend the broken pieces and help me find a good purpose. Help me to reach out to others to tell them about your saving grace and your love for them. Help me to speak out and not be shy when I see something that is wrong in the world. Help me to take action when I can.

I know that only you, Lord Jesus, can heal the broken and restore life again to this nation and its people. We are broken. We have all turned away seeking temporary pleasures. Lord, help us mend the broken fences and come together in your name.

Feeling Invisible and Trying to Cope

This was my week for feeling invisible. Frankly it is very frustrating to be ignored. People have such a short term memory sometimes and such a twisted way of thinking. Yet I can see that it is all a cover. I am trying to cope with all the responsibilities that have been thrust at me. I am trying not to let them get to me.

It is extremely frustrating to have all your hard work be ignored. I know that I'm not the person they want to deal with and that they hate the fact that it seems that I've taken over. Yes, in some things I have. I felt like I was in a straight jacket last year. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. They are trying mightily to put me back in that straight jacket. I won't have it. I have worked too hard to get out of it and make myself visible.

Should I start demanding that they listen to me? Wave a red flag in front of their faces? I do want to scream...but am holding it in.

Then there's the fact that they are doing this as a community event....but frankly again it's like pulling teeth to get anyone to listen. What will it take? Should I give up and make this the last event I do? Should I give in and let them do what they've always done for years on end? It is extremely tiring. I am trying to cope with everything that's going on. I don't like feeling invisible....yet in a strange way I'm afraid to toot my own horn too...

I am feeling drained. This week has been very bad for me. I'm fighting depression and the sense that things will never get better for me. I know that it's not true. I tell myself that God has me where he wants me and there is a reason why I'm in the place I'm in.

God is in control. I am not invisible to God. He hears me and answers my aching needs. His arms wrap around me. I know he loves me.

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

I know you heard this expression at least once. It's a true expression especially when you're a child. I tried to put myself in their place this week. I've been thinking too much about how nice it would be not to have to worry about anything. I know I'm being foolish. I shouldn't worry at all.

It is extremely difficult to face the doom and gloom of today's world. I really can't see how kids do it. They are so exposed to all the violence and evil that surrounds them on a daily basis. I know that I have problems putting it away from me.

Kids don't understand that their carefree and innocent stage of life won't last....At least some don't. It is hard to explain to some that there is a real world out there with real trees, real grass and a real sun. I'd like to blame the overwhelming influence that technology has on their young lives. It seems that every time you turn around new technology has improved and replaced human beings.

What is a person to do? You enjoy and savor every bit of freedom you have outside the confines of these electronic cages. Yes, they do wonderous things and bring people closer. Yes, you can post your thoughts and they become public instanteously. Yes, I admit that I like having this ability to post my thoughts online and have people read them....but I think we're missing something.

We're missing the human interaction. We're missing the feeling of accomplishment when we finish a task manually. We miss the beauty of a handcrafted item and the joy of creation.

Instead we are left with nothing. How many of us can truly say that time flew by because we were having fun? You can be honest. I can't think of a time myself that I truly had fun.

Starting to Look Up Instead of Down

Yup....I am feeling a little better now than I felt last week. I heard from two musicians that seem promising. I also have almost enough ads for the ad book that I am currently working on for Collingdale History/Patriots Day.

I am only a little bit nervous about the job interview tomorrow. It's for a part time attendance aide position. I only need to keep telling myself that I'll get the job and remain confident. I definitely need it since I got yet another rejection letter for a position that I interviewed for last month. I know my Dad definitely is rooting for me to get it. He knows more than anyone how I'm still struggling to pay my bills.

I know that there is still a long road ahead of me. I also know that I have to keep looking up instead of down. There are so many things I want to do. There are so many things that need to be done to bring small communities back. I can't do it alone. I need to reach out to people and ask them to help me with this vision.

I continue my freelancing work. It gives me a little income and helps businesses get contant for their sites. I just wish I could expand my freelancing and make it more profitable. I wish for steady income. A pipe dream, some would say. I don't know.

I look up. I see God. I know that he is with me. He will always be with me.

Completely and Totally Burnout

I should be happy. I should stop obssessing over the fact that I failed to secure that entertainment. I should be in a stable environment. I should keep pushing and trying to find that elusive job. I should be pushing to get more sponsors for the ad book.

I need to stop thinking and start moving. Yet I feel so burnt out. I know I need to stop complaining and do something. There are people out there that have had it worse than me. They have been able to pull themselves out of the hole and get gainful and necessary employment.

Why am I obsessing over this? Why am I not giving it to God? Do I actually think I can do it myself? What a fool I am!

I have stop obsessing over things that I have no control over. It makes me look like a fool. I did act like a fool tonight...but I felt a release. I'm not alone anymore. I never was alone. Oh, Lord...I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall while time ticks rapidly by. I know three and half years is too long to be in my present state of unemployment. It's warping my whole attitude on life.

I have been underemployed for almost a year now. I should be grateful to be making some money, but I'm nearing the "red zone" with my finances with this recent and very necessary withdrawal.

I'm glad to hear that there is a light at the end of this long and dark tunnel I'm currently residing in. I want to recover from this complete and total burn out. I want to reach out and touch the dreams I have of a place where everyone can learn the lessons of history interactively.

I want to get past this season of burn out and be regenerated to serve the Lord. May I serve him well and not myself.