A Week In Time: Pushing My Way Forward Through the Pain

Everyone said that the real pain wouldn't hit until this week. In some ways they were right. It has been very hard to get past seeing his handwriting on the papers I've thrown out. It has also been difficult at times to grasp that he is gone. There is a big hole in my heart.

I am pushing my way forward through the pain. I realize that I do have two people that are depending on me to be strong for them. I know I can't shirk my duties or hide in a corner until the pain passes. I have to keep moving.

I have been blessed though with the many messages I received online. It has been eye-opening to realize how many people really seem to care about me. Sometimes I feel unworthy of that attention. I have been on autopilot for so long that it is only now that things are starting to break. It isn't easy. I still want to scream but I hold it in.

Everyone goes through the grief process differently. I watch my mom and know that even though she is not openly weeping, her loss overwhelms her. I don't know how to answer people anymore about how she is doing. I don't know. I think in some ways she is still processing the fact that he's gone. She also feels that it was a blessing that he didn't die at home. There was a fear that it would happen. I didn't want that to happen either.

I still don't know what the future holds for me. I am currently deeply involved in my community with the society. We're at a crossroads. It does seem that whatever is going to happen will happen in August. This time of the year, unfortunately, has been one that has seen a lot of changes. I remember clearly when two of the officers resigned. It was painful then. What will this August bring? Only the Lord knows...

In Memoriam-A Death In the Family

My heart feels heavy as I write this blog. My father lost his battle with cancer on Sunday. My last memory of him is not a good one. Seeing him gasp for breath, listening to the suction machine and watching him literally waste away before my eyes are not the way I wanted to remember him. It was God's will though. God knew that I would have preferred tucking him away in a nursing facility. Yet nowadays nursing facilities appear to be the last resort. It is only if you have enough funds to place the person in one or that person has no one at home to take care of them.

Yes, I admit that I was angry. I wanted to scream, "It's just not fair!" I actually lost control a couple times in January and February. Right now all I feel is numb. I don't want to remember my Dad in that hospital bed gasping for breath. I don't want to remember Dad unconscious and being carried out for the last time. Yet those images are my memories now.

I do struggle to get past those horrible images. I tell myself that he is home with the Lord. I tell myself that he is not suffering now. Yet here I am. What can I say? I loved him. It was the only reason why I got over my anger and took over the household duties. Dad knew that Mom just wasn't capable of doing it. My older brother wasn't able to do it either, at least not by himself.

I can be grateful though for all the support my family has given me. Lord knows that I needed it. My financial situation is still very bleak too. I go back now after a brief mourning period to find work to sustain myself and the two people that are now depending on me. I don't know what the next months will bring. I can't think that far ahead. I just need to take this one day at a time.

A Time of Respite and A Bit of Hope

It has been a little while since I last wrote this blog. I have been busy attending meetings of a newly formed organization. I've also watched my father deteriorate right before my eyes. It hasn't been a very good sight and one that has really taken its toll on all of us. Thankfully the hospice team finally agrees that it is time for some respite care. It will be good for Dad to get some rehabilitation as well. It can't be good for him to be stuck in that hospital bed.

This gives me a bit of hope. I can get excited about the possibility that this condition could get better with this respite. I can also have some time to really evaluate things as they stand now. I've gotten some good job leads too. Lord knows I do need some sustainable work. If I can do it remotely, it would be ideal for now. I would like to get out of the house though. It is hard for me to see him deteriorate so much.

I am still weary. There are days when I feel the world is collapsing all around me. I want to get off the treadmill that seemingly drags me down. Lord will provide is still my song. I have to continue to believe that. It is hard when you look at empty cupboards wondering where my next meal will come. I also feel quite helpless when I heard my Dad struggling to breathe.

Praying for a bit of hope in the midst of a disaster.

Pulling Back From The Edge of the Abyss

It's been almost a month now since I last wrote this blog. I've hung out in a severe crisis mode which stifled my voice. I'm still feeling run down. I wear my weariness like a shroud. It is hard to even think. Someone is praying for me now. I can feel it.

Both physical and financial situation is still very bleak. Yet I have been blessed even in this state. I can still praise God for what I do have. I can be renewed like an eagle flying high.

I do feel sick when I focus on the world around me. So many are hanging on the edge of the abyss waiting for something to happen. Someone knows my struggle. There is a light. I can't see it now. I can't lose hope. I must hang on.

I am weary, Lord. My family needs your healing touch. I know that something has to give pretty soon. Lord, your word is true. I know that you will provide for all my needs. It is so hard to trust you. I am being foolish. I can't give into my fears. I have to believe that you won't let my worst fears become a reality. You will establish a stable environment for me and my family. You will provide for us financially with sustainable work. You will heal my father and mother so they can praise you and bring glory to your name.

You are pulling me back from the edge of the abyss. I don't have to stay there. I can move forward and bring light and hope to my community and the surrounding communities. You give me the resources I need to succeed. I just have to believe it to receive it. I have to close my eyes to the negative forces that are threatening to pull me down. I need to embrace your holy word and live for you. You are my King and Savior.

Finding Beauty in the Ashes/On the Way Back from Oblivion

I don't recall a time when I really felt together. It has been a long hard road for me. I feel so tired at times that I can hardly keep my eyes open. Will I ever find that happiness? I just don't know. It is clear that there has to be some light at the end of this tunnel. I can see it but dimly now. I struggle as I pull myself up from oblivion.

There is some beauty in the ashes. I catch glimpses of it as I search for meaning. Lord, I admit that I don't know even where my next step will be. I don't know what to do. Look for the positive they say. I hear them. My mind tries to process the information. I feel frustrated and so alone. Where is the light?

I see glimmers of light and dark. My situation isn't as dire as I thought. Daylight is breaking through the darkness. Yet here I sit contemplating the darkness. I marvel that the Lord Jesus would embrace the darkness for me. He knows me. He snatches me from oblivion and sets my feet on solid ground. I begin to understand the sacrifice. He finds beauty in ashes.

It seems appropriate during Holy Week to reflect our purpose. Jesus has a purpose. His purpose is to save mankind. It is good to contemplate this sacrifice and embrace the meaning of Easter. We do find our purpose in Christ Jesus. He gives us a mission to spread the Good News. You can be saved. You can find your way out of oblivion. I have to believe this. I do have a purpose and there is meaning in my life.

Looking Up From the Well of Despair and Reaching Out for a Lifeline

It has been one of those weeks. I'm realizing that my situation is not good at all. Hope is fading for me to find any meaningful employment that pays me. I'm looking up from the well of despair with time ticking very loudly in the background. I feel my time is very limited here. I am grateful that I still have this house, but for how long? Three months? Six months? If I'm really lucky, maybe a year.

I have to admit that I'm scared. My housing situation is very precarious now. I don't know if I'll have the privilege of living in a home for much longer. I may be stuck living in an apartment soon if I can get one. My greatest fear, which is rapidly becoming a reality, is being homeless. It is a very real possibility now. I can no longer pretend that things are rosy. I can no longer pretend that things are going to be okay with me. They aren't.

I am struggling now trying to reach out for a lifeline before my "boat" sinks in the ocean. I just don't know where to turn. Looking up from the well of despair I can see a glimmer of light but it's too far away for me. Lord, I ask daily, why are you allowing me to sink into this well of despair? Is what I'm going through with my current situation going to benefit anyone? I need that lifeline now. I need that person to come alongside me and offer me a way out of this deep, dark pit.

I don't want to be poor. I hate it. I miss being able to purchase what I need to survive. I hate depending on others and seeing the resentment in their eyes. I loathe the looks on people's faces when they find out how poor you are. No one seems to understand. They just want to criticize you. Oh, Lord, I need a chance. I need someone to take a chance on me and hire me. Is that too much to ask? I'm desperate. Yet I know you see me even now in this pit. Answer my prayer, dear Lord for sustainable employment so I can continue to live if it's your will in a stable home and not an unstable apartment building.

The Season of Lent: Finding Beauty in Ashes

There are many articles and blogs on Isaiah 61:3. It is interesting to read the different interpretations of the verse. Every author brings a different "take" or meaning. I was at a meeting earlier this evening and this verse unconsciously came up in my mind after the meeting. One of the members chose to focus on what he calls the "Elephant story." I heard the story at least three times already but have yet come up with a focus.

Yes, I do agree that people do look at things in different ways depending on the information they receive. I also do agree that a lot of what we perceive is dependant on our physical understanding. Some people, like myself, are very visual. We like to see things in the physical realm. Others are more tactile. They see the object, but really don't take any meaning out of it. They have to touch it physically for it to be real. Then there are those that refuse to believe even though the evidence is right in front of them.

The season of Lent is a season of reflection. It is also a season to focus on God. I am beginning to understand a bit more about why the Lord has me where I am today. I need to bring the stabilization to those who desperately need it. I need to be able to open eyes to see the beauty in the ashes of a decaying community. I can't do it alone. I need the Lord to come alongside me. He has to be my focus.

As I ponder the questions that swirl around my head about the current state of our world, I often also wonder how I can focus on what's important. Our importance does come from God. When we realize this, we are doing wonderfully.

We can find beauty in ashes. Sometimes it just takes that rough road to truly understand.