The organization I was hoping to work for didn't get back to me. Apparently I'm too desperate. I'm feeling really low right now. I just don't know what to do. This is very difficult for me to deal with and move on. Is the Lord hearing me? Does he know how much I need a job?
Am I still being too picky not wanting to expose my SS number online? A lot of the retailers require this anymore...sigh. Am I being too choosy about where to find a job? I don't know. Lord knows I want and need to work. Yes, I am desperate. It won't be that much longer until my funds are completely wiped out.
I know that there are so many others that are in worse shape than I am. I don't know what to do for them. I feel sick when I think about the future. I can't focus on what's going to happen tomorrow. I can only focus on today's needs. I am again giving it all to the Lord. He knows my needs. He knows my desires and longings. He loves me even when I don't feel it.
I am amazed when I think about all that he is doing for me. Yes, I'm in a very rough patch right now in my life. I don't know where my next footstep will be. All I can be certain of is that God is still providing for me. He brings people to me and loves me with an unconditional love.
I do need meaningful work that will support me and my family. I know that somehow the Lord will provide that work and the monetary needs. I have to believe that I will find that job soon and that this rough patch will break up.
Please be near me, Lord. Help me to find that elusive job and the support I need now for me and my family. I don't know if I can handle anymore of this "floating" and "struggling" to work something out. I need you, Lord.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Moving Forward and Pressing On
I had a better week this week. An opportunity to shine presented itself and I took it. I know that the organization needs me. I need them. I also know that it will be hard for them to pick the right candidate for the job. It is hard to wait and hope that they will see that they need me. I want to believe that they will and that everything will be okay.
I want to move forward with this major project as well. I got energized by the support from the group I joined awhile back. I know that I have to press on, finding support from unexpected places. I can't worry about the troubles around me. I can't worry about the looming crisis ahead of me if something doesn't happen soon. I can't worry about the people around me. I have to press on, leaving everything in God's hands. I got to move forward in his will, not mine. I got to open my eyes to meet the needs and find the resources I need to move forward.
Yes, I do feel that time is pressing. I pray for the Lord's soon coming. I admit that readily. I also pray that I will be ready to meet him face to face. I pray that I can reach the people he has placed in my life with the good news of salvation.
No, I can't stress out that technology seems to be taking over the world. God is in control. He knows his own. He knows when he will come to make all things new. I do look forward anxiously for that day as I pray for strength and courage to face the future. I know that God loves me. I know that he will spare me from his coming wrath. I know that all things are in his hands. I would be the worst of fools to believe that anything happens by chance or sheer luck. God ordains it.
With God's great love and his promises, I can move forward. I can tell others and show them that they don't have to wallow in the slimepit of sin and despair. I will press on with all the strength and courage God gives me. I can't quit. I can't recant. I will stand up.
I want to move forward with this major project as well. I got energized by the support from the group I joined awhile back. I know that I have to press on, finding support from unexpected places. I can't worry about the troubles around me. I can't worry about the looming crisis ahead of me if something doesn't happen soon. I can't worry about the people around me. I have to press on, leaving everything in God's hands. I got to move forward in his will, not mine. I got to open my eyes to meet the needs and find the resources I need to move forward.
Yes, I do feel that time is pressing. I pray for the Lord's soon coming. I admit that readily. I also pray that I will be ready to meet him face to face. I pray that I can reach the people he has placed in my life with the good news of salvation.
No, I can't stress out that technology seems to be taking over the world. God is in control. He knows his own. He knows when he will come to make all things new. I do look forward anxiously for that day as I pray for strength and courage to face the future. I know that God loves me. I know that he will spare me from his coming wrath. I know that all things are in his hands. I would be the worst of fools to believe that anything happens by chance or sheer luck. God ordains it.
With God's great love and his promises, I can move forward. I can tell others and show them that they don't have to wallow in the slimepit of sin and despair. I will press on with all the strength and courage God gives me. I can't quit. I can't recant. I will stand up.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Am I Just Fooling Myself?
I've had kind of a confusing week this week. I am still struggling with some issues that have come up. Sometimes I feel that I am fooling myself to think that anyone cares about history anymore. Other times I know that there is some interest. I just have to keep pressing.
I definitely feel at a crossroads in my life. There are forces threatening to tear me apart. I think about what I'm trying to accomplish quietly. I wonder if its all worth it. Should I continue to struggle? It's easier just to give in. I must not.
Am I fooling myself? Does anyone at all care? I know they do. I see it in the interaction I receive througn social media. I see it in the faces of my fellow officers. I know that they are tired. I sense that immediately.
I can dream. I wish that my dreams would come true. I don't know. It seems like such a long shot. It's crazy. We just can't do it, I tell myself.
I definitely feel at a crossroads in my life. There are forces threatening to tear me apart. I think about what I'm trying to accomplish quietly. I wonder if its all worth it. Should I continue to struggle? It's easier just to give in. I must not.
Am I fooling myself? Does anyone at all care? I know they do. I see it in the interaction I receive througn social media. I see it in the faces of my fellow officers. I know that they are tired. I sense that immediately.
I can dream. I wish that my dreams would come true. I don't know. It seems like such a long shot. It's crazy. We just can't do it, I tell myself.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Feeling at Loose Ends And Struggling Against Apathy
Yup....I have to admit... if just to myself... that I am feeling at loose ends. My freelance work does take up a lot of my time now. I also have a lot to do with the non-profit organization I run as a volunteer. It is hard to get people involved anymore. I do struggle with my own apathy about the whole situation and with other people who complain about the situation. Sometimes I do feel like screaming when I hear the abuse and complaints that are leveled at people who are only trying to preserve a way of life.
We recently celebrated 4th of July in my small hometown. It was a nice small parade with a few people who participated and a very small crowd on the sidewalks. The rain kept a lot of people away from the festivities at the park afterwards, but there was still a nice small crowd.
I do feel at a lost to gain enthusiasm for events at my small hometown. Everyone is feeling the pinch of unemployment or underemployment. The thing is that if you have no money to spend, you can't spend it. I know that this is a hard concept to master. You do have to make concessions for not being able to fund events anymore. I do feel bad. I definitely would like to contribute to making these hometown events memorable...but I can't.
I realize that a lot of the apathy comes for the young people who haven't a clue about their own local history. They don't really care either about what that building means or why we should save this building but not that one. It is pathetic to see and hear people complain about what the town used to look like...and not do anything at all to change the perception of the town.
It's all those loose ends. No one wants to address the preservation issues or why there are so many abandoned buildings in our hometown. They rather complain about those issues expecting that someone else will handle it. Unfortunately no one will.
We recently celebrated 4th of July in my small hometown. It was a nice small parade with a few people who participated and a very small crowd on the sidewalks. The rain kept a lot of people away from the festivities at the park afterwards, but there was still a nice small crowd.
I do feel at a lost to gain enthusiasm for events at my small hometown. Everyone is feeling the pinch of unemployment or underemployment. The thing is that if you have no money to spend, you can't spend it. I know that this is a hard concept to master. You do have to make concessions for not being able to fund events anymore. I do feel bad. I definitely would like to contribute to making these hometown events memorable...but I can't.
I realize that a lot of the apathy comes for the young people who haven't a clue about their own local history. They don't really care either about what that building means or why we should save this building but not that one. It is pathetic to see and hear people complain about what the town used to look like...and not do anything at all to change the perception of the town.
It's all those loose ends. No one wants to address the preservation issues or why there are so many abandoned buildings in our hometown. They rather complain about those issues expecting that someone else will handle it. Unfortunately no one will.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Making It Through the Storms of Life
It has been a really scary week. The storm "mini tornado" that briefly whipped through our neck of the woods severely damaged homes and knocked out power for 100,000 people. I sit here now listening to the rain from another less scary thundershower that rolled through the area earlier this evening.
The storms reflect my feelings towards what has happened to our nation. It was a long time coming. We collectively turned our backs to God, allowing those who would perpetrate evil to have a "field day." Yes, I know that their day is coming. God's wrath will fall on them. Yet I still struggle to keep my head above the slime pit and the wicked storms. Lord knows that I've bit my tongue as my stomach churned at the evil direction this country is taking. I tried my best to stand through it, knowing that God doesn't allow anything that I can't handle.
I wept last Tuesday as I witnessed the pain of my dearest and best friend. I saw the Lord even in the midst of that horrendous storm. I know that he protected me and my family. I know that he protected my best friend. I know that he will protect us still when the consequences of these laws fully form. He knows my heart. He knows my needs.
I do praise him even now as the pressure increases to embrace the evil of the society around me. I will resist it to the best of my ability. Lord, give me strength to meet the foes and deliver me from the evil one. Grant us a refuge like you granted the pilgrims of old. Hide us in the hollow of your mighty hands. Continue to protect us from those who would denounce and destroy us. Provide, O Lord a way out through the midst of this evil and deliver us. To you, O, Lord, be the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen...
The storms reflect my feelings towards what has happened to our nation. It was a long time coming. We collectively turned our backs to God, allowing those who would perpetrate evil to have a "field day." Yes, I know that their day is coming. God's wrath will fall on them. Yet I still struggle to keep my head above the slime pit and the wicked storms. Lord knows that I've bit my tongue as my stomach churned at the evil direction this country is taking. I tried my best to stand through it, knowing that God doesn't allow anything that I can't handle.
I wept last Tuesday as I witnessed the pain of my dearest and best friend. I saw the Lord even in the midst of that horrendous storm. I know that he protected me and my family. I know that he protected my best friend. I know that he will protect us still when the consequences of these laws fully form. He knows my heart. He knows my needs.
I do praise him even now as the pressure increases to embrace the evil of the society around me. I will resist it to the best of my ability. Lord, give me strength to meet the foes and deliver me from the evil one. Grant us a refuge like you granted the pilgrims of old. Hide us in the hollow of your mighty hands. Continue to protect us from those who would denounce and destroy us. Provide, O Lord a way out through the midst of this evil and deliver us. To you, O, Lord, be the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen...
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Striving for New Things While Embracing the Old
I have to admit that it hasn't been easy pretending to be someone I'm not. I can't seem to get past the fact that my temperament is basically shy. I want those new things though. I see the obstacles ahead of me. People pulling me in all sorts of directions. I feel dizzy.
I try to admit that I can no longer pretend to the people around me. They laugh it off. I feel foolish to know what to strive for with those new things. I can't articulate what I want. I'm in a bubble created by my own stubborness. Will I ever get past this feeling of hopeless and poverty?
I think about those people struggling now to survive in an increasingly technical world. I long to embrace the old...to go back to when everyone who needed a job could get one. A time when everyone knew your name and wanted to help you.
We have become too insulated from each other, even as we strive for new things. Forget the old, they whisper. It is no longer relevant. You have to do it this way. You can't do it that way. Don't embrace the old....give it up. They throw God in the backwater and forget that he created everything. Fools and hypocrites....believing that things will always be there...
What will be our future? With all our striving for new things, will we forget God? We are fools and worthy of his punishment if we forget him and his infinite grace towards us, his bond servants. I have to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I have to start letting my light shine.
Lord, thank you for your creation. Thank you for your mercy. We are infinitely better with you than without you in our lives. You promised to make all things new. How we long for that day! We do embrace your eternal love for us that may seem ancient and old. Your mercy and grace is new every morning.
I try to admit that I can no longer pretend to the people around me. They laugh it off. I feel foolish to know what to strive for with those new things. I can't articulate what I want. I'm in a bubble created by my own stubborness. Will I ever get past this feeling of hopeless and poverty?
I think about those people struggling now to survive in an increasingly technical world. I long to embrace the old...to go back to when everyone who needed a job could get one. A time when everyone knew your name and wanted to help you.
We have become too insulated from each other, even as we strive for new things. Forget the old, they whisper. It is no longer relevant. You have to do it this way. You can't do it that way. Don't embrace the old....give it up. They throw God in the backwater and forget that he created everything. Fools and hypocrites....believing that things will always be there...
What will be our future? With all our striving for new things, will we forget God? We are fools and worthy of his punishment if we forget him and his infinite grace towards us, his bond servants. I have to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I have to start letting my light shine.
Lord, thank you for your creation. Thank you for your mercy. We are infinitely better with you than without you in our lives. You promised to make all things new. How we long for that day! We do embrace your eternal love for us that may seem ancient and old. Your mercy and grace is new every morning.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
The Day Before My Birthday
No, I don't get much into birthdays. My parents kick up a fuss. They seem to expect me to acknowledge my birth and force me to go to a celebration. I tried to tell them that I really don't want the celebration at all. They think I'm callous. Maybe I am...
Yet I do hate the fuss. I want everyone just to leave me alone to celebrate my birthday quietly and without any fuss. I know that I'm going to hear it from my sister. She especially thinks that I'm going to "go with the flow" and attend the celebration "just because." I am very frustrated that they just don't get it. I don't want the fuss. I don't want to feel obligated to get something that the person probably doesn't really need....especially now when I'm in a crisis mode.
Why can't they understand? Why do they always have to make me feel bad for refusing to participate in something I can't believe in anymore? I told them that I'd much rather have just a card...then for anyone to get me something I can't really use. I know there are aching needs too....
I'd rather fill those needs. Will anyone understand that? Can I make them understand it? Oh, Lord...you know my heart. Please help me make them understand that I don't want this fuss and bother.
Yet I do hate the fuss. I want everyone just to leave me alone to celebrate my birthday quietly and without any fuss. I know that I'm going to hear it from my sister. She especially thinks that I'm going to "go with the flow" and attend the celebration "just because." I am very frustrated that they just don't get it. I don't want the fuss. I don't want to feel obligated to get something that the person probably doesn't really need....especially now when I'm in a crisis mode.
Why can't they understand? Why do they always have to make me feel bad for refusing to participate in something I can't believe in anymore? I told them that I'd much rather have just a card...then for anyone to get me something I can't really use. I know there are aching needs too....
I'd rather fill those needs. Will anyone understand that? Can I make them understand it? Oh, Lord...you know my heart. Please help me make them understand that I don't want this fuss and bother.
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