Finding Time to Write and Think

I got a temporary job. It is mostly staring at a screen and inputting numbers. I like the fact that I will be getting some much-needed funds. I know that it is not sustainable for the long term. I do need something more sustainable. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Finding time to write has been a challenge for me. The work I'm doing is mindless, but I find I do have to concentrate.

I started this blog last week when I had the temporary job. The work is now finished, not to my satisfaction but they haven't called me back to finish it. It is a good thing. I tell myself. My mother is not doing well. She had gotten used to having me around. I don't know what the future holds. I just know that I can't do what she wants me to do. My financial situation doesn't allow me to be there. I do need to have sustainable employment. Making her understand this is hard.

I realize that I do have some choices to make. I can trust God. I can lean on his strength and wisdom. I can let go of the fear that seems to override any reason. I can leave the situation that I'm in with God knowing that he has my best interests at heart. It's not easy. I'm not looking at any easy solutions no matter what I chose. Sometimes I do wish there were some easy solutions available. Then I guess I would wonder why it was so easy and lose my faith.

I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have shelter, food and internet access. :-)

I also have good friends who care about me.

Putting Things in Perspective-Getting Away From Facebook

Yes, I have to admit if only to myself that I'm a little bit addicted to Facebook. I have checked it at least three times a day, spent hours I probably shouldn't have spent and let myself get sucked in emotionally. It isn't hard to do. Seeing all the pictures and feeling just a little bit important is addictive. I get it.

I recently had a very bad experience that my mind still keeps playing over and over. I have tried to put things in perspective and take everything I see with a "grain of salt" but it's difficult. I can't seem to get away from the facts that I've allowed myself to get lured in.

Facebook does have some good qualities. I can touch base with friends that I haven't talked to in a very long time. I can pray for those who are sick and share the joy with those who are rejoicing. Unfortunately, I did allow myself to overreact and not check my facts before posting them. I got burned big time. It was only when someone actually threatened me that I realized that I was heading down the wrong path. Facebook was putting the ugliness that I wanted to hide out there for everyone to see. I couldn't blame the users who depended on me for accurate information. They used Facebook as a sort of tool.

I didn't completely understand the damage I'd done. I was right, wasn't I? Yet I would have to admit that I may have stretched the truth a bit. I know I've written some things that couldn't be verified but that I thought were true. I let social media dictate what I believed for a time. I can't do that anymore. I do have to get away from Facebook before it takes over my life.

I have started to discipline myself to only get on Facebook for an hour or less every day except for the weekends. I really never go on the computer on the weekends at all. I've also worked on deleting and saving posts, including some that had fiction instead of fact. I will from now on stick to facts. I may lose some people this way. Many do have "itching" ears that only want to hear the negative.

Eventually, I will get off Facebook completely. I'll find another platform where I can put things in perspective and not let myself get carried away.

Patience in A Time of Turmoil: Finding My Way Home

I have to admit that my emotions are still pretty raw. I still keep seeing the pictures of those buildings being torn down without thought. I know I should get over it and move on. I'm definitely trying to do just that. I do sometimes question my sanity. Why should I care?

The passage from today's Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" talks about patience. It says that patience is a virtue and that God teaches us patience. It could be any area of your life right now that God is nudging you to take the time to notice. You might come across the same obstacle and wonder why it is there. For me, it has been the unrelenting issues that I'm having finding sustainable work. It never seems to be the right time. I've had to learn to trust God's timing.

It isn't easy for me to be patient, especially when it seems that the world is crashing all around me. I do struggle daily to find my way home. I do thank and appreciate everyone that has come to support me. Some days are a trial. I do find that I ask myself why I continue to fail. I wonder if I'll ever see the light again. Then someone comes along and shows me that there is a light. I just have to be patient and allow the Lord to work things out.

I do also have to be open to God's leading. I admittedly balk when something new comes around that "rocks my world." I do find it difficult to accept change. That is why I am so grateful that God doesn't change. He is ever present and knows my every need. All I need to do is bring those needs to him.

Patience is a blessing. We just have to ask for it and let it do "its perfect work." Thank you, Lord, for being patient with me while I learn your perfect will for me. Patience in a time of turmoil isn't easy, but the reward is well worth it.

Putting the Finishing Touches on This Chapter of My Life

I am realizing that I need to really focus on finding that elusive job. With my father's death this past May I have taken on some responsibilities that I really didn't want. I have also blamed myself for how things happened with the WAWA project. I know now that I need to let go. I can't blame myself or wallow in self-pity. I have a few more tasks to do before I let go completely.

I am moving forward. I can't wallow in the past but need to make decisions for the future. I know that my financial situation is still critical. I am praying for sustainable work that I can do. I also still need to care for my mother.

I am stepping away from the historical preservation fight for a short while. I do need to refuel and refresh my spirit. I am still very much interested in history and love architecture. I am going to take some time to read some recommended books on the subject. I do need to focus in on the architectural aspects and put them in context with the whole story. I am going to stop making excuses. It doesn't help to say that I can't do this or that.

I am going to remain confident as I move forward with my dreams. I do have hope. I believe that I can do whatever I set out to do. I admittedly struggle to trust the Lord. Yet that is what I must do above anything else. So while I put the finishing touches on this chapter of my life, I keep reminding myself that God is in control.

Radical and Unexpected Change-Finding My Way Back from the Brink

The beautiful white almost century-old building is about to be demolished for a Super WAWA. I could cry but I have no tears left. The borough still doesn't realize what a radical and unexpected change this will have on the community. I am trying to find my way back from the brink of despair. It's hard. I wonder how people could be so greedy and selfish.

None of them see the big picture. They are all focusing on their small piece of the pie. None understand the impact that this is already having on the neighborhood. They don't want to hear. The residents are voiceless.

I don't want to wallow in despair. I am going to avoid that area as much as possible. I pray to God that no one gets hurt trying to cross the new access road or attempting to cross MacDade, Pusey, Collingdale or Clifton Avenues. All four streets are vulnerable now.

There is nothing I can do. I do wish people wouldn't think that I could do something. It is frustrating to try to relate the correct way. I know the borough is going to continue to ignore them. They have been doing it for over a year! It is no way to run a municipality at all. The borough violated six ordinances to put the super WAWA in.

This is not progress. At least it is not the type of progress I want for this town. Lord, I am angry now but know that I must put that anger aside. I got to accept this radical and unexpected change or suffer the consequences.

I will be hard to find my way back from the brink. No one said that anything in life was easy. In fact, most say that life is a continual struggle. I felt that today as I rushed to take pictures of the wanton destruction being perpetrated by the demolition crew this morning. I watched them rip and dig without any thought to the animals buried underneath. It is fortunate that the caskets remained relatively intact.

Many times I did feel my anger boil over. I felt helpless to stop the wanton destruction. So I'll avoid the area as best I can. I find a new route to travel to avoid the area. Maybe someday soon my heart will stop aching.

Accepting What I Can't Change and Moving Forward

Some days it hits me harder than others. I just feel numb. My manner of speech fails me. I just don't know what to say. Today was one of those days. I hate feeling like this. I try to explain what I'm feeling but it comes out all wrong. I feel like my tongue is all tied up. It is frustrating.

I know they mean well. I am trying to hold it together but am failing miserably. Lord, why can't I express myself better? I actually felt my throat closing this afternoon as I interviewed for that position. I do need a job, Lord. I need to be able to contribute and get out of this financial hole I'm in. I knew as soon as I got off the phone that I blew it again.

I can't change the fact that people are depending on me to make decisions. My mind is still frozen. I know I need to accept this new role that has been thrust upon me. Yet it is difficult. I long for someone to step in. Yet I still resist change. My grief is heavy on my soul. I don't feel that I am spiritually lazy, but maybe I am. Maybe I do long for the peace and unchanging stability that I once had. Maybe I am tired of the challenges that life is throwing at me.

I do need some rest. My body is telling me this very loudly. There is the fact that I do need to move forward. I can't dwell in this pit of despair any longer. I can't let money rule me.

I do have to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed by all the changes that have taken place in my life. What do I have to look forward to? How can I open myself up to these changes? Oh, Lord, I do admit that I have let my finances rule me for way too long. I have allowed them to dictate what I can and can't do. I have been a real fool causing undue stress where there shouldn't have been any. I want to change and learn to lean on you for everything. It is hard and a bit scary. It is good to have friends to share things with and talk about you, Lord.

I am slowly accepting what I can't change and moving forward in God's grace and mercy.

Taking Time For Me: Dealing With Stress

It has been a good week for me because I am learning to listen to my body. The tremendous stress that I've been under has taken a physical toll. I have had to take a step back and analyze what I've been doing to stress myself out. These physical manifestations have given me a "wake up" call to start to take care of myself.

I still long for some time away. So I am planning on it. I have obligations, yet I'm realizing that I do need to carve out some time for me. It isn't selfish. I don't have to feel guilty for taking that time off. I know I need it. I do have to trust God that I can arrange it and reach out to others to help. I have had a good support system with my family as I dealt with my father's loss. I know that they will help me when I start to arrange that time away. It is good to look forward to something.

Everyone who has followed this blog religiously knows that I'm pretty much still in financial straits. I haven't been able to find sustainable work for a long time. It hasn't been for lack of trying, rather it has been that I've been needed to care for both parents. I really didn't realize this until fairly recently. I was putting undue pressure and guilt on myself for not being able to bring money in. It has been a slow process to forgive myself and others for the stress that unemployment/underemployment brings. I sometimes felt like less of a person because of my inability to get gainful employment.

I know that I can't continue to blame myself or the current economy for my financial status. I have to learn to accept what I can't change and pray for guidance and strength. I do have to say that I would have never met the amazing people I've met if I hadn't been placed in the situation I'm currently in. They have taught me so much about life and history. I sometimes wish that I had enough financial resources to bolster up the many wonderful historical sites and programs that are available. It does pain me when I heard about the financial woes many historical sites are going through now.

I do praise God for the many opportunities I see on the horizon. I'm not giving up or giving in to those people who continuously throw doubt and fear into the mix. I know those forces of evil would love to shut down these historical projects and tear down the controversial history. I know that money is the root of all evil. I thank God for the resources given to us freely. It is hard to give it all to God, but that is what we must do.