Breaking the Ice Jam or Trying to Fit In Without Looking Like A Fool

You know when you have one of those weeks. One day it feels like everything is going right in your world. The next day it feels like the world is coming to an end. I had one this past week. I could say that I was worn out from all the tension and stress that I've been under for so long. I could say that I have been blessed in so many ways. Both scenarios are true statements. It almost like trying to break an ice jam...not that I've ever had that opportunity. You try and try to make someone listen. Nothing works. You feel like a fool because you've grown so much in the past two and half years that the cliches in the corporate world don't fit you any more.

Yet you keep trying. You see that others have fit in. You wonder if you are just too behind the times for anyone to listen to you. You need someone to listen. You need people to care about what happening to you. You feel awful selfish for trying to push past the obstacles that ensnare you in their trap.

I do have a feeling that things will change for me soon. Will it be a huge change? I don't know. All I do know that I can't pretend anymore to like certain things just so I can be gainfully employed. I can't lie either...it just isn't in my nature. I pray daily for a break and sign that I'm going in the right direction. It is hard. The pressure is constant and ongoing to find something quickly. How? I wonder if I'll ever fit in to someone's perception of a perfect employee.

I continue to look for meaningful work. I know that there is a definite deadline here for me to find work. Lord knows that I need to work to support myself. I can't continue in my current state for much longer. The ice jam of obstacles to my employment will break soon. It has to...

Trying to Make Sense of it All: Another Lesson in Humility

I had a historical society meeting tonight. It wasn't well attended. Questions were asked about why but I really couldn't answer them. It just doesn't make sense. There seemed to be such an interest, but no one really wants to do that hard work. I have a core group of pretty amazing guys that are so totally involved. Maybe that's all I need.

I can't stress out over the non response that I've received. It shouldn't matter whether or not you attend a meeting, but it does. I am learning to let go. I am learning not to take things to heart. I can get through this and move forward.

All I can honestly say is that I'm doing the best I can. All I can do is what is in front of me to do. All I can ask is that God grant me what I need.

It is hard to be humble sometimes when grand ideas take shape. It is equally hard to watch those dreams go up in smoke. I know that there are many people on the sidelines who really want to help, but I haven't been able to give them the tools they need. I know that there are some who have just literally "dropped out of sight." What do you do with those who just ignore the messages? How do you make it all attractive and interesting? I don't know. I am still trying to make sense of it all.

I do long for reasonable, long lasting, dependable employment. I am at the end of my rope here. I also need to be humble about what is out there for me.

Floating and Dreaming of An Unstressful life

We had our first taste of fall this week when the weather changed. We also had our first days long rain storm. Thankfully we didn't get the floods South Carolina is getting. I am so grateful for that.

I have been stressing out too much lately. Worrying about things I have no control over and wondering why God is silent to my pleas.

I have yet to learn the lessons God is trying to teach me about trusting him for all things. I try too much to twist the outcome that I can't see what's right in front of me. I know that I can have that unstressful life. I can dream of a life that has some meaning. I don't have to settle for something I don't want or need. This is freeing.

Yes, I am still on the financial edge I've been in for a long time. Yes, my prospects for employment in a corporation are dim. No, I'm not giving up on finding meaningful work. No, I am not going to succumb to despair and melancholy.

I will rejoice in what I do have. I will honor and respect the people around me. I will continue to reach out and talk to others.

Lord is with me. He will guide me in the way I should go. I know I need help to follow his leading. I know that I can't do anything on my own.

I can love him because he first loved me. I can know him because he first knew me and still knows me. I can serve him because he first served me. He miraculously saved me from myself and my foolish pride. His ways are past my understanding. I can place my burdens on him as he knows my needs before I do.

He is my Rock and my Mighty Deliverer. He is my Savior and my God. I can trust him with my future because he hold my future in his strong capable hands. Oh, Lord....please forgive my doubt and help me let go of the weight of stress and worry that robs me of the love you so graciously pour out. Let me not turn my back on those who need you. Help me to see others through your eyes. I am so unworthy of your love, Lord. Thank you for loving me.

Trying to Make Sense of it All....Waiting for God

It has been very difficult for me to remain faithful. I want to end it all sometimes. Other times I know that the Lord has a purpose for me to fulfill. I am still trying to make sense of it all. I wonder why I just can't get the response I need for a job. Lord knows how desperate I am. He knows the precariousness of my situation. He does have a good plan for my life.

I do feel that I'm waiting for God. Yet I'm realizing that he is waiting for me. He is waiting for me to give up on my stubborn pride. He is waiting for me to trust him to provide for my every need. He is waiting for me to have faith enough to let him guide me to where I need to be.

It is hard. I feel helpless. Yet I know that he is there. I struggle to understand why he has placed such a burden on my heart. Yet I understand there is a reason. He wants me to feel. He wants me to be broken for the people around me that have lost hope.

Will I trust him to do what is best for me? Will I lean on him and not my own understanding? Yes. Even though it is hard....even though I feel like I'm being torn apart....even when I'm scared to take one last step...I will trust and lean on the Lord.

I can be faithful because he is faithful to me. Lord, please help me be what you want me to be.

Are We Living In the Last Days?

Are We Living In the Last Days? I have been thinking a lot about the End Times lately. I know that in the Bible we can't know when the Lord will come again and claim his own. We can however have an inkling about the time the Lord is likely to come again. I can also see with my own eyes all the new technology that is rapidly changing the very fabric of our existence.

Biochip Technology This innovative technology has become so sophisticated that it is prepped to be used on humans. Medical uses for biochip technology have given way to utilizing biochips for security purposes, to purchase products and identify objects and people...Biochips and their future,,,It isn't at all far fetched anymore to think that the governments of the world are deliberately alienating Christians that refuse to get on the "bandwagon" and accept being systematically marginalized. It isn't too far fetched to think that some day soon with all this new technology that those who refuse to accept the all powerful technology will be regulated to the dregs of society.

I don't know when or how much time I will have left to warn people about what's happening. I also don't know if I'm strong enough to withstand the increasing pressure from all sides to embrace the stifling and soul stealing technology that is being thrust at my feet.

I do pray for release some days. I pray for those around me, especially the young who really don't know any other life but to be controlled by this technology.

Shattered Lives-Moving forward from pain

I've been fairly fortunate. I haven't suffered too much loss in my life as yet. At least not the kind that shatters you. I realize that life sometimes can shatter you and make you wonder why you even exist. I do struggle with the pain I see around me. I feel helpless to do anything about it.

I understand that I can't know what a person is feeling unless I experience it myself. Just like no one can really understand the deep valley I've gone through these past three years. They can't know the moments when I felt that it would have been better if I hadn't been born. God knows. He calls me his cherished one. He does have a plan for my life.

I've seen my life shattered beyond all hope of reconciliation. I kept hope alive that somehow someway the light would come and shine on my state of despair. I admit that the future doesn't look that bright for me. My dreams do seem to be fading, yet I can't give in. I can't give up.

I need to move forward in God's love. I need to reach out, even if it hurts. I need to see things in a new and positive light. It is hard. The world wants to drag you into the pit with them. They hate that you can see that light and that you are moving forward.

Lord, help me to be the person you want me to be. Strengthen me for your good work. Mend the broken pieces and help me find a good purpose. Help me to reach out to others to tell them about your saving grace and your love for them. Help me to speak out and not be shy when I see something that is wrong in the world. Help me to take action when I can.

I know that only you, Lord Jesus, can heal the broken and restore life again to this nation and its people. We are broken. We have all turned away seeking temporary pleasures. Lord, help us mend the broken fences and come together in your name.

Feeling Invisible and Trying to Cope

This was my week for feeling invisible. Frankly it is very frustrating to be ignored. People have such a short term memory sometimes and such a twisted way of thinking. Yet I can see that it is all a cover. I am trying to cope with all the responsibilities that have been thrust at me. I am trying not to let them get to me.

It is extremely frustrating to have all your hard work be ignored. I know that I'm not the person they want to deal with and that they hate the fact that it seems that I've taken over. Yes, in some things I have. I felt like I was in a straight jacket last year. I couldn't do what I wanted to do. They are trying mightily to put me back in that straight jacket. I won't have it. I have worked too hard to get out of it and make myself visible.

Should I start demanding that they listen to me? Wave a red flag in front of their faces? I do want to scream...but am holding it in.

Then there's the fact that they are doing this as a community event....but frankly again it's like pulling teeth to get anyone to listen. What will it take? Should I give up and make this the last event I do? Should I give in and let them do what they've always done for years on end? It is extremely tiring. I am trying to cope with everything that's going on. I don't like feeling invisible....yet in a strange way I'm afraid to toot my own horn too...

I am feeling drained. This week has been very bad for me. I'm fighting depression and the sense that things will never get better for me. I know that it's not true. I tell myself that God has me where he wants me and there is a reason why I'm in the place I'm in.

God is in control. I am not invisible to God. He hears me and answers my aching needs. His arms wrap around me. I know he loves me.