Have I given up or am I just too tired to fight anymore?

I have been asking myself this question while lying in bed suffering from a cold. Sometimes I think it's that I've just given up. Other times I think it's that I'm too tired to fight anymore. I have struggled to make sense of things, weighing the options and trying to see the big picture. I could give myself an "out" now. I have been pushing myself lately trying to fit in and not succeeding. Then I punish myself when I feel I can't do it anymore.

Is it wrong to want to walk away from it all? I do want to walk away, but I don't. Instead I continue to dream. I know God has something planned for me. I want to be ready to receive what he has for me. Yet I'm also frightened by the unknown. What if I fail again? Would I be willing to pick myself up and start over? I know that is what I really need to start thinking about now. Holding a pity party is not going to help me or anyone else. I need to emphasize my strengths, not my weaknesses. I need to grab opportunities and not wait for them to come to me. I need to deal with threats head on....even when I feel I can't move on.

I don't have time to wallow. I don't have time to get depressed and not do anything. I do have to fight the time wasters in my life...those things that suck the life out of me. I need a plan of action. I need to get back in there and fight.

Stepping forward to face the New Year....a few weeks late

I've had some time over the past few weeks to reassess where my career is going.as I regroup after the loss of yet another job. I know that I need to step forward and face my dwindling finances due to the limited opportunities I've had to work. I also know that I have to stop this "pity party" that I've allowed myself to have. It's not helping. It's actually hurting me and no one else.

I took a brave step today and signed on to a freelance site. I don't know what will happen with it. I just know that I'm not getting anywhere "spinning my wheels" hoping for that elusive administrative assistant job. They are just not out there for me, and the fact is that I'm not sure I want to go back to the corporate "rat race" either.

Pressure is on me to do something...yet I've already made two bad choices in regards to my current job search. I am finding that I really do have to find out about the company culture before accepting the job. This is key...because if you hate where you're working....you're not going to last long. I didn't.

So what do I do now? Continue to press forward with my research....finding both for profit and non-profit companies I can work with...and try out this freelancing stuff. Who knows? Maybe I'll find my niche with it.

Pushing Forward and Researching Prospects

First week of moving forward with two projects that may or may not pan out. As I may have mentioned in this blog, I am finding that my tendency now is to look at what I call "time wasters" and not at the whole picture. When I do weigh in the human factor, I find that most organizations have a tendency to either overwork the poor souls left in the company or give them meaningless work just to keep them on the payroll. Most organizations also are fiercely protective of their brand, their processes and the bottom line. Even though the people within the organization pride themselves in their workers, some don't really value them.

Analyzing workflow often reveals the importance an organization places on their workers. Do they allow them breaks? What are the time restraints and what tools does a person have to meet deadlines? Time wasters are those tasks done to no one's benefit. They could be printing and storing reports that no one reads or re scanning material that should already be in the system. One of the things that I noticed that I can do is analyze workflow, particularly document management workflow, to see if there are any flaws, improvements and/or breaches in the current workflow. I am now researching prospects to see if there are companies interested in an outsider analysis of their current processes-specifically document management processes with an emphasis on cost containment and productivity analysis.

Resolving issues with connecting one group to another group in regards to both historical resources and sites is the second project. I am finding that there are connection issues that are now being resolved, but more needs to be done. Time is unfortunately running out with this project as the one group's members are disappearing and the other group's members are becoming more and more alienated from the core due to a number of factors. There has to be a "marriage" of sorts between the old and new technology to reach the latter group before its too late. So I'm pushing forward and researching what I can do, what resources I'll have available and reaching out to others.

A New Year, A New Challenge

Yes, I finally "bit the bullet" and let my supervisor know what was going on. The result was very predictable. I was told that there was nothing they could do and offered to "let me go." I accepted. There was nothing else I could do. So now my challenge is to find that elusive job that utilizes the skills and abilities that I have acquired over the past almost two years that I haven't had gainful employment. The very first thing is to stop the negative "I just wasn't good enough" charade right now. I did an adequate job, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do for a long period of time.

I also know now what industries I don't want to get involved with any longer. Insurance and telemarketing companies...both bad news as far as I'm concerned. This still leaves quite a few industries I might want to try my hand in. There is the sad but true fact that I'm still in a financial crisis with no money coming in. I can't dwell on it though. I must take up the challenge of exploring my options and praying for something to come along that will engage me enough to want to work full time.

I can't believe that there are only part time jobs available for someone like me. I refuse to believe that, even though this is what I've been getting the past two times.

Happy New Year

It is hard for me to believe that I've been writing this blog for four years now. I started back in 2009 as a way to stretch myself as a writer. I decided to focus on time as I've always had a certain fascination with time. I still remember my seventh year quite vividly because it was the year I felt that I visited twice. The first time I experienced things no one else remembers experiencing...such as the fact that there was no Apollo 13, nor was there any 13th floor in any building built. The second time Apollo 13 and the averted tragedy did happen and there actually are 13th floors. Can you guess what year it was? Should be fairly easy....

In some ways I am looking forward to 2014 and in other ways I'm not. I do want to get another book published this year...and am looking forward to seeing it in print. Being viewed as an outcast or a fugitive because of something I'm against on a personal scale isn't something to look forward to in the next year...but it is what I and maybe thousands of others will face. Can we stand against it? I'm not sure. I lean on the Lord and pray for his guidance and strength.

Making the best out of an increasing hostile work environment

It's been a month now. Things are not getting better. In fact in some ways they are getting worse. I don't know what to do. I hate to "rat" on the "ladies" because I know I'm as guilty as they are for this present situation. I know I could be more open and willing to submit. Yet this is the very thing I rebel against, especially when I'm distracted and I've had on average 6 hours of sleep.

Sometimes just knowing that you have to do better helps. You have to take a deep breath, assess the situation and pray. I realize that they are just as frustrated with me as I am with them. We've reached a kind of impasse.

I can be grateful for the job...that there is money coming in now. Yet every day I question if it's really worth it. I haven't been able to answer that question yet. This document management nightmare has to end soon. It wouldn't been so bad if the documents were being actively used. They are not. They are taking up space. There are boxes everywhere.

So how do I make the best out of this increasingly hostile work environment? Continue to be nice even when you feel like snapping right back at them. Wait on the Lord's leading. He will lead you out of there, if that is what he decides to do. Take a deep breath and a step back....I am still too close to the situation. Thank God for the little things and let him handle the big ones.

Swimming in Deep Waters-Trying to keep my head above water

The new job is not working out at all. I should have got the message when the person who hired me kept asking if I still wanted to pursue it or not. I didn't. I thought at first it was only because I've been away from the job market for so long. I know now that it really isn't that. I feel like I'm swimming in deep waters here. I know I desperately need this job, which is the only reason I took it in the first place. Yet now, I'm seriously thinking that I made a grave error. It's hard to keep your head above water when you see no place of refuge in sight.

I don't like my co-workers because they make me feel nervous and small. I hate their choice of music which wears, distracts and disgusts me at times. I don't know why I'm there. They don't seem to need me as much as they complain about having no time off. I don't think I should be feeling that I really want to leave and get another job this early "in the game" but I do.

I can't even think about Christmas....and sadly enough I'll be glad to have the two days off we'll have next week even though I won't get paid for it. I tell myself that this is only temporary....and prayerfully some job that is way better suited for my talents and abilities will come along very soon. I just don't know what I'll do if it doesn't. The way I'm feeling now, I don't think I'll last here until the new year. It's that bad. So how did I get into this situation? The way most have....through no fault of their own...and desperation.

Desperation jobs sometimes work....I was desperate the last time I was unemployed....and I met a good boss who really supported me...and other good friends. This time, however, I don't see that happening because I think I managed to alienate everyone.

I need guidance and help to get me out of this difficult situation. It will take a miracle...and I don't know if I can believe in miracles.