Putting the Finishing Touches on This Chapter of My Life

I am realizing that I need to really focus on finding that elusive job. With my father's death this past May I have taken on some responsibilities that I really didn't want. I have also blamed myself for how things happened with the WAWA project. I know now that I need to let go. I can't blame myself or wallow in self-pity. I have a few more tasks to do before I let go completely.

I am moving forward. I can't wallow in the past but need to make decisions for the future. I know that my financial situation is still critical. I am praying for sustainable work that I can do. I also still need to care for my mother.

I am stepping away from the historical preservation fight for a short while. I do need to refuel and refresh my spirit. I am still very much interested in history and love architecture. I am going to take some time to read some recommended books on the subject. I do need to focus in on the architectural aspects and put them in context with the whole story. I am going to stop making excuses. It doesn't help to say that I can't do this or that.

I am going to remain confident as I move forward with my dreams. I do have hope. I believe that I can do whatever I set out to do. I admittedly struggle to trust the Lord. Yet that is what I must do above anything else. So while I put the finishing touches on this chapter of my life, I keep reminding myself that God is in control.

Radical and Unexpected Change-Finding My Way Back from the Brink

The beautiful white almost century-old building is about to be demolished for a Super WAWA. I could cry but I have no tears left. The borough still doesn't realize what a radical and unexpected change this will have on the community. I am trying to find my way back from the brink of despair. It's hard. I wonder how people could be so greedy and selfish.

None of them see the big picture. They are all focusing on their small piece of the pie. None understand the impact that this is already having on the neighborhood. They don't want to hear. The residents are voiceless.

I don't want to wallow in despair. I am going to avoid that area as much as possible. I pray to God that no one gets hurt trying to cross the new access road or attempting to cross MacDade, Pusey, Collingdale or Clifton Avenues. All four streets are vulnerable now.

There is nothing I can do. I do wish people wouldn't think that I could do something. It is frustrating to try to relate the correct way. I know the borough is going to continue to ignore them. They have been doing it for over a year! It is no way to run a municipality at all. The borough violated six ordinances to put the super WAWA in.

This is not progress. At least it is not the type of progress I want for this town. Lord, I am angry now but know that I must put that anger aside. I got to accept this radical and unexpected change or suffer the consequences.

I will be hard to find my way back from the brink. No one said that anything in life was easy. In fact, most say that life is a continual struggle. I felt that today as I rushed to take pictures of the wanton destruction being perpetrated by the demolition crew this morning. I watched them rip and dig without any thought to the animals buried underneath. It is fortunate that the caskets remained relatively intact.

Many times I did feel my anger boil over. I felt helpless to stop the wanton destruction. So I'll avoid the area as best I can. I find a new route to travel to avoid the area. Maybe someday soon my heart will stop aching.

Accepting What I Can't Change and Moving Forward

Some days it hits me harder than others. I just feel numb. My manner of speech fails me. I just don't know what to say. Today was one of those days. I hate feeling like this. I try to explain what I'm feeling but it comes out all wrong. I feel like my tongue is all tied up. It is frustrating.

I know they mean well. I am trying to hold it together but am failing miserably. Lord, why can't I express myself better? I actually felt my throat closing this afternoon as I interviewed for that position. I do need a job, Lord. I need to be able to contribute and get out of this financial hole I'm in. I knew as soon as I got off the phone that I blew it again.

I can't change the fact that people are depending on me to make decisions. My mind is still frozen. I know I need to accept this new role that has been thrust upon me. Yet it is difficult. I long for someone to step in. Yet I still resist change. My grief is heavy on my soul. I don't feel that I am spiritually lazy, but maybe I am. Maybe I do long for the peace and unchanging stability that I once had. Maybe I am tired of the challenges that life is throwing at me.

I do need some rest. My body is telling me this very loudly. There is the fact that I do need to move forward. I can't dwell in this pit of despair any longer. I can't let money rule me.

I do have to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed by all the changes that have taken place in my life. What do I have to look forward to? How can I open myself up to these changes? Oh, Lord, I do admit that I have let my finances rule me for way too long. I have allowed them to dictate what I can and can't do. I have been a real fool causing undue stress where there shouldn't have been any. I want to change and learn to lean on you for everything. It is hard and a bit scary. It is good to have friends to share things with and talk about you, Lord.

I am slowly accepting what I can't change and moving forward in God's grace and mercy.

Taking Time For Me: Dealing With Stress

It has been a good week for me because I am learning to listen to my body. The tremendous stress that I've been under has taken a physical toll. I have had to take a step back and analyze what I've been doing to stress myself out. These physical manifestations have given me a "wake up" call to start to take care of myself.

I still long for some time away. So I am planning on it. I have obligations, yet I'm realizing that I do need to carve out some time for me. It isn't selfish. I don't have to feel guilty for taking that time off. I know I need it. I do have to trust God that I can arrange it and reach out to others to help. I have had a good support system with my family as I dealt with my father's loss. I know that they will help me when I start to arrange that time away. It is good to look forward to something.

Everyone who has followed this blog religiously knows that I'm pretty much still in financial straits. I haven't been able to find sustainable work for a long time. It hasn't been for lack of trying, rather it has been that I've been needed to care for both parents. I really didn't realize this until fairly recently. I was putting undue pressure and guilt on myself for not being able to bring money in. It has been a slow process to forgive myself and others for the stress that unemployment/underemployment brings. I sometimes felt like less of a person because of my inability to get gainful employment.

I know that I can't continue to blame myself or the current economy for my financial status. I have to learn to accept what I can't change and pray for guidance and strength. I do have to say that I would have never met the amazing people I've met if I hadn't been placed in the situation I'm currently in. They have taught me so much about life and history. I sometimes wish that I had enough financial resources to bolster up the many wonderful historical sites and programs that are available. It does pain me when I heard about the financial woes many historical sites are going through now.

I do praise God for the many opportunities I see on the horizon. I'm not giving up or giving in to those people who continuously throw doubt and fear into the mix. I know those forces of evil would love to shut down these historical projects and tear down the controversial history. I know that money is the root of all evil. I thank God for the resources given to us freely. It is hard to give it all to God, but that is what we must do.

Reflecting on Loss and Moving On

This was the first birthday I celebrated without my Dad. I know we didn't do much. I'm not much of a "party" person but it did feel a bit weird not having him around. People do say that the loss of someone you really depended on will hurt more than the loss of someone you really didn't know. My mother's sister died a week after my father. I never met her.

Father's Day this year was rough. I am grateful that my family rallied around me. We focused more on birthday celebrations with a little time for remembering Dad. I grieved when the video my little brother took was finished. I realized however that my Dad suffered a long time. It was over a year, but the last four months were the roughest as he was confined to a hospital bed. I also realized that it was time for him to go. He had suffered enough. I do recall a couple of times now that he questioned why he was still around. God knew that he had something to do. I was taught some valuable lessons and I think the time spent with my family made us stronger.

I can't say that I'm ready to move on. Grief is a process that sometimes takes years. I know in some ways I do have to move on. I can't wallow in despair or hopelessness. God has blessed me with good family and friends.

Reflections on Life and its Purpose

One of my longtime friends lamented the fact that she was poor. She was frustrated and tired of always having to struggle just to make ends meet. She missed not being able to do some of the things she'd been able to do when she had some money. I can relate. I do miss not having to worry about whether or not I can afford to eat or if I'll have a roof over my head tomorrow.

The economy has been terrible for so long that it's really hard to accept when a small glimmer of light breaks through. Yet I have seen it. I've gotten more face time with more employers in the past month and a half than I've gotten in the past six months! I know for a fact that I have gotten more overall interviews in the past year and a half than I've gotten in a long time. I attribute this to the fact that in some ways the economy is improving. I know that there are many factors that have blocked me from gaining sustainable work. The fact that employers are calling me up even with these factors in place does tell me that the market is improving.

Yes, I am poor in some ways. I struggle with finances and worry about things I probably shouldn't worry about at all. Yet I do have friends and family that really do care about me. The testament of this care is the very much needed funds I received so I could pay some bills and the IRS. The beautiful bouquet that graced the table with my father's ashes touched me deeply. I was also blessed by the lovely plant.

I know that I touched people's lives. I know that the Lord has given me a purpose and a calling. Right now it is to do what I can to save historic buildings from demolition. By saving these buildings and repurposing them for a new use, I am in a small way revitalizing the community. I think my father would be proud of me for taking this on. He was very much a crusader himself, fighting for the rights of the taxpayers who were facing ever-increasing property taxes. He had some good ideas about healthcare reform too. Unfortunately, he fell ill before he could implement them.

Yet I can't help thinking that he did make an impact with the teacher pension issue. The battle isn't over as others have stepped in to fight. My battle isn't his though. My calling is different. I'm fighting the battle over historic preservation and open space.

Memorial Day Reflections

This Memorial Day has been more poignant for me due to the recent death of my father. My father served in the US Air Force from 1956 to 1960. He was stationed in the states during his four-year enlistment. He met my mom while he was stationed at Little Rock, Arkansas. I'm not sure how they met as this was never shared. All I do know is that they fell in love and got married in Little Rock, Arkansas on June 6, 1958. Home movies show my father looking very sharp and handsome in his Air Force uniform standing with my mom. My mom wore a beautiful short, lacy wedding dress.

There is little known about what my Dad was exposed to while in the service. Many service men and women have been exposed to toxic chemicals. My Dad was fortunate in some ways. He was never called to serve in Vietnam. He had never really known what it was like to be unemployed because he was able to take his company pension. Jobs weren't as scarce as they are now for people of a certain age. He was able to dabble in sales and bring in funds. It hasn't been proven and possibly never will be what triggered the thyroid cancer that eventually killed him. I suspect that some of the toxic chemicals he was working with may have had something to do with it.

My Dad served honorably. It was his example that persuaded me to join the service as an airman. I wasn't stationed where he was. I was actually stationed in Hawaii and Washington DC. I am proud of my father's service. He did show me the way to serve with dignity and pride. Thank you, Dad.