Reflecting on Loss and Moving On

This was the first birthday I celebrated without my Dad. I know we didn't do much. I'm not much of a "party" person but it did feel a bit weird not having him around. People do say that the loss of someone you really depended on will hurt more than the loss of someone you really didn't know. My mother's sister died a week after my father. I never met her.

Father's Day this year was rough. I am grateful that my family rallied around me. We focused more on birthday celebrations with a little time for remembering Dad. I grieved when the video my little brother took was finished. I realized however that my Dad suffered a long time. It was over a year, but the last four months were the roughest as he was confined to a hospital bed. I also realized that it was time for him to go. He had suffered enough. I do recall a couple of times now that he questioned why he was still around. God knew that he had something to do. I was taught some valuable lessons and I think the time spent with my family made us stronger.

I can't say that I'm ready to move on. Grief is a process that sometimes takes years. I know in some ways I do have to move on. I can't wallow in despair or hopelessness. God has blessed me with good family and friends.

Reflections on Life and its Purpose

One of my longtime friends lamented the fact that she was poor. She was frustrated and tired of always having to struggle just to make ends meet. She missed not being able to do some of the things she'd been able to do when she had some money. I can relate. I do miss not having to worry about whether or not I can afford to eat or if I'll have a roof over my head tomorrow.

The economy has been terrible for so long that it's really hard to accept when a small glimmer of light breaks through. Yet I have seen it. I've gotten more face time with more employers in the past month and a half than I've gotten in the past six months! I know for a fact that I have gotten more overall interviews in the past year and a half than I've gotten in a long time. I attribute this to the fact that in some ways the economy is improving. I know that there are many factors that have blocked me from gaining sustainable work. The fact that employers are calling me up even with these factors in place does tell me that the market is improving.

Yes, I am poor in some ways. I struggle with finances and worry about things I probably shouldn't worry about at all. Yet I do have friends and family that really do care about me. The testament of this care is the very much needed funds I received so I could pay some bills and the IRS. The beautiful bouquet that graced the table with my father's ashes touched me deeply. I was also blessed by the lovely plant.

I know that I touched people's lives. I know that the Lord has given me a purpose and a calling. Right now it is to do what I can to save historic buildings from demolition. By saving these buildings and repurposing them for a new use, I am in a small way revitalizing the community. I think my father would be proud of me for taking this on. He was very much a crusader himself, fighting for the rights of the taxpayers who were facing ever-increasing property taxes. He had some good ideas about healthcare reform too. Unfortunately, he fell ill before he could implement them.

Yet I can't help thinking that he did make an impact with the teacher pension issue. The battle isn't over as others have stepped in to fight. My battle isn't his though. My calling is different. I'm fighting the battle over historic preservation and open space.

Memorial Day Reflections

This Memorial Day has been more poignant for me due to the recent death of my father. My father served in the US Air Force from 1956 to 1960. He was stationed in the states during his four-year enlistment. He met my mom while he was stationed at Little Rock, Arkansas. I'm not sure how they met as this was never shared. All I do know is that they fell in love and got married in Little Rock, Arkansas on June 6, 1958. Home movies show my father looking very sharp and handsome in his Air Force uniform standing with my mom. My mom wore a beautiful short, lacy wedding dress.

There is little known about what my Dad was exposed to while in the service. Many service men and women have been exposed to toxic chemicals. My Dad was fortunate in some ways. He was never called to serve in Vietnam. He had never really known what it was like to be unemployed because he was able to take his company pension. Jobs weren't as scarce as they are now for people of a certain age. He was able to dabble in sales and bring in funds. It hasn't been proven and possibly never will be what triggered the thyroid cancer that eventually killed him. I suspect that some of the toxic chemicals he was working with may have had something to do with it.

My Dad served honorably. It was his example that persuaded me to join the service as an airman. I wasn't stationed where he was. I was actually stationed in Hawaii and Washington DC. I am proud of my father's service. He did show me the way to serve with dignity and pride. Thank you, Dad.

A Week In Time: Pushing My Way Forward Through the Pain

Everyone said that the real pain wouldn't hit until this week. In some ways they were right. It has been very hard to get past seeing his handwriting on the papers I've thrown out. It has also been difficult at times to grasp that he is gone. There is a big hole in my heart.

I am pushing my way forward through the pain. I realize that I do have two people that are depending on me to be strong for them. I know I can't shirk my duties or hide in a corner until the pain passes. I have to keep moving.

I have been blessed though with the many messages I received online. It has been eye-opening to realize how many people really seem to care about me. Sometimes I feel unworthy of that attention. I have been on autopilot for so long that it is only now that things are starting to break. It isn't easy. I still want to scream but I hold it in.

Everyone goes through the grief process differently. I watch my mom and know that even though she is not openly weeping, her loss overwhelms her. I don't know how to answer people anymore about how she is doing. I don't know. I think in some ways she is still processing the fact that he's gone. She also feels that it was a blessing that he didn't die at home. There was a fear that it would happen. I didn't want that to happen either.

I still don't know what the future holds for me. I am currently deeply involved in my community with the society. We're at a crossroads. It does seem that whatever is going to happen will happen in August. This time of the year, unfortunately, has been one that has seen a lot of changes. I remember clearly when two of the officers resigned. It was painful then. What will this August bring? Only the Lord knows...

In Memoriam-A Death In the Family

My heart feels heavy as I write this blog. My father lost his battle with cancer on Sunday. My last memory of him is not a good one. Seeing him gasp for breath, listening to the suction machine and watching him literally waste away before my eyes are not the way I wanted to remember him. It was God's will though. God knew that I would have preferred tucking him away in a nursing facility. Yet nowadays nursing facilities appear to be the last resort. It is only if you have enough funds to place the person in one or that person has no one at home to take care of them.

Yes, I admit that I was angry. I wanted to scream, "It's just not fair!" I actually lost control a couple times in January and February. Right now all I feel is numb. I don't want to remember my Dad in that hospital bed gasping for breath. I don't want to remember Dad unconscious and being carried out for the last time. Yet those images are my memories now.

I do struggle to get past those horrible images. I tell myself that he is home with the Lord. I tell myself that he is not suffering now. Yet here I am. What can I say? I loved him. It was the only reason why I got over my anger and took over the household duties. Dad knew that Mom just wasn't capable of doing it. My older brother wasn't able to do it either, at least not by himself.

I can be grateful though for all the support my family has given me. Lord knows that I needed it. My financial situation is still very bleak too. I go back now after a brief mourning period to find work to sustain myself and the two people that are now depending on me. I don't know what the next months will bring. I can't think that far ahead. I just need to take this one day at a time.

A Time of Respite and A Bit of Hope

It has been a little while since I last wrote this blog. I have been busy attending meetings of a newly formed organization. I've also watched my father deteriorate right before my eyes. It hasn't been a very good sight and one that has really taken its toll on all of us. Thankfully the hospice team finally agrees that it is time for some respite care. It will be good for Dad to get some rehabilitation as well. It can't be good for him to be stuck in that hospital bed.

This gives me a bit of hope. I can get excited about the possibility that this condition could get better with this respite. I can also have some time to really evaluate things as they stand now. I've gotten some good job leads too. Lord knows I do need some sustainable work. If I can do it remotely, it would be ideal for now. I would like to get out of the house though. It is hard for me to see him deteriorate so much.

I am still weary. There are days when I feel the world is collapsing all around me. I want to get off the treadmill that seemingly drags me down. Lord will provide is still my song. I have to continue to believe that. It is hard when you look at empty cupboards wondering where my next meal will come. I also feel quite helpless when I heard my Dad struggling to breathe.

Praying for a bit of hope in the midst of a disaster.

Pulling Back From The Edge of the Abyss

It's been almost a month now since I last wrote this blog. I've hung out in a severe crisis mode which stifled my voice. I'm still feeling run down. I wear my weariness like a shroud. It is hard to even think. Someone is praying for me now. I can feel it.

Both physical and financial situation is still very bleak. Yet I have been blessed even in this state. I can still praise God for what I do have. I can be renewed like an eagle flying high.

I do feel sick when I focus on the world around me. So many are hanging on the edge of the abyss waiting for something to happen. Someone knows my struggle. There is a light. I can't see it now. I can't lose hope. I must hang on.

I am weary, Lord. My family needs your healing touch. I know that something has to give pretty soon. Lord, your word is true. I know that you will provide for all my needs. It is so hard to trust you. I am being foolish. I can't give into my fears. I have to believe that you won't let my worst fears become a reality. You will establish a stable environment for me and my family. You will provide for us financially with sustainable work. You will heal my father and mother so they can praise you and bring glory to your name.

You are pulling me back from the edge of the abyss. I don't have to stay there. I can move forward and bring light and hope to my community and the surrounding communities. You give me the resources I need to succeed. I just have to believe it to receive it. I have to close my eyes to the negative forces that are threatening to pull me down. I need to embrace your holy word and live for you. You are my King and Savior.