Ugly Thoughts and Trying to Make Sense of it all

It was another really tough week for me. My family is still not listening. I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall. Ugly thoughts are surfacing as I try to make sense of it all. I am angry and very frustrated. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to go through this.

I do want to scream. Satan's wiles surround me. They want to lure me with false promises. I can feel myself being torn apart. Yet I know the Lord is still with me. He will not abandon me in this fiery trial. I can lean on him. I don't understand why all this is happening. Maybe I never will...

The Lord is my strength and my refuge. I have to remember that when I feel my world has turned upside down. I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe that my family's situation will change for the better. I want to believe that the Lord won't give me anymore than I can handle.

It is hard. I am struggling with fears and doubts. I am poor. I am unworthy of God's love. I have no right to ask anything.

I try to make sense of the desperate situation I'm currently in. I question why I am stuck doing something I detest. Why will no one listen to me? Am I being selfish for not wanting to go through this? I am having ugly thoughts. They weigh me down and steal my joy. I don't remember the last time I really laughed. I don't remember the last time I looked forward to something with anticipation. Yet I continue on.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:3 (KJV) When I read this verse I realize that he could have been talking about me. I feel very poor in spirit. I daily struggle with forces that want to sap my strength.

Struggling To Survive: Finding Meaning In Life

I've been going through a family crisis. I am struggling to survive. Satan is alive and well. He wants to make me miserable. He wants me to doubt my resolve to see this situation through to the end. Yes, I am admittedly tired. Yes, sometimes I do feel so alone. Yes, it does seem that it will take a miracle for this situation to resolve.

My family just doesn't understand. They are pressuring me to give it up. They say that I'm unfeeling and callous. I'm not. I do care. I can't do what they ask me to do. I won't feel guilty. I will keep moving because if I stop....then I might as well be dead. Seriously....Satan wants me to give up. He wants me to feel guilty about my work. He doesn't want me to succeed.

Please don't get me wrong. I do love my family. Unfortunately sometimes it is impossible to make them see that this work is meaningful to me. It is something that I've been driven to do. I know this is true. Yet I get so frustrated trying to make them see this.

My work is the only thing keeping me sane. It is the only thing that drives me to get up in the morning. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am obsessed with this historic preservation work. I can't help thinking though if I didn't stand up and make people aware....who would? I will continue to fight as the Lord gives me strength. He knows my needs. He knows my family situation. He will provide. I know this because he has done it. I am finding meaning in life with this work. I don't want to go back to what I was before. I am trusting the Lord.

A New Year has Dawned: Courses of Action

Yes, I wrote that letter that I talked about in my last post. It didn't turn out the way I envisioned it would turn out. I was going to ask a series of questions but ended up just stating the facts. I don't know what good it will do. I felt that I had to do something.

My next step is to write up a petition. This will be a new adventure for me. I'm no lawyer. I know though that what the borough plans to do is just plain wrong. If no one calls them out on it, then it is assumed that everyone agrees. This is not the case. I was there in July. I saw the upset and angry faces. I heard the calls for appeal. It wasn't time yet. The borough had to be given opportunities to fix the plan. It didn't happen.

I can get really upset if I keep dwelling on it. There are more important things to focus on. I need to play this the right way so no other building gets demolished without better due process. I am still very stressed about my current financial situation too. The threat of not having any money for food is scary. I guess they expect people to starve....:-(.

My parents don't understand. I have tried and am still trying to find work that I can do. Retail work is not for me. I can't stand that many hours. I'm not a people person and close up when someone confronts me. My preferred jobs are the back office kind of jobs. I have been thrust into this leadership position because it is needed. I know that there is no money involved here. I'm not getting paid for what I'm doing. Yet I can't help but do it. I am driven by the love for my community.

I can't sit back. Yet I pray for support in these endeavors. I do need funds. There are tasks that I just can't do without funds to back them up. So if you're following me, my needs are:

1) Steady work-I need a job where I feel that I can contribute but won't overwhelm me.

2) Support and guidance-I need direction if I'm going to pursue a career in historic preservation.

3) Stability-A steady and passive revenue stream that will help me gain some stability so I can serve my family and meet their needs.

I know the Lord knows these needs and the desires of my heart. He also knows the fears that keep me up at night. I do pray that I gain steady employment this year so I can get out from the arms of the government. I also pray for support and guidance for my life's direction. I am selfish, but a steady revenue stream would be great...

Year End Reflections: A looming crisis

When I look back over this past year I realize that I have been really blessed. No, I haven't been able to get a steady job. I have however worked really hard helping out with my parents. I am blessed to have them still in my life. I do treasure the time I have with them, even though some days I just wish to be alone.

I'm also grateful to have a home. So many have lost everything this year through floods, fire and hurricanes. Yes, I do know that the pressure to confirm to global standards is increasing. I do see the push to get rid of cash. Cards are very convenient, but also a very good way to track your purchases. Some people are saying that it won't be long before the globalists take over.

I tend to believe that President Trump is in office for a very good reason. He is there to slow down the progression to the world government. It can't really be stopped. There are forces that are too bent to have it happen sooner rather than later. You remember what I said last year? I believed then that Trump's election allowed us time to reflect and recover.

Some might say that he hasn't handled things well. I've seen the results. I may still not have a steady job but like the fact that he is pressing forward to reform.

I do however see a looming crisis in my hometown. It hurts to think about the destruction. There are still so many questions that I need answered here. I'm a little nervous as this situation is something I've never encountered before now. I have to ask myself the following questions:

Am I willing to do what I can to save these buildings from destruction?

What consequences will happen should it be revealed that "kickbacks" were taken to sell off and claim eminent domain on private property?

What benefits will anyone receive from this wanton destruction of both private and public property? I know that I will have a fight ahead of me. Yet I also know if I didn't say anything or raised any objections...then I wouldn't be doing my job. It is funny that I just kind of fell into this role. It is also a little bit scary.

I do keep asking to find out if anyone really cares. They complain about stuff after it happens...but the fact is that we should be really concerned. This is very different from having a private building being threatened with demolition. This is a borough handing over the keys to the town and allowing them to literally wreck the town center...:-( Some people have raised some good questions about this. I am going to write a letter with a series of questions. My hope is that the borough answers them honestly and thoroughly.

The thought of having a Super WAWA in the town center is making me physically ill. I pray that I don't get obsessed with it.

Death and Taxes: What it all means

I've been thinking too much about this subject. It is very hard to understand why everything keeps happening. This time of the year is supposed to light and joyful. Everyone is supposed to be happy. Yet no one is. There has to be a reason why. I think it's because every Christmas or holiday book I've read has a death scene in it. I must have read 10 or more this season so far. That makes ten books with a death theme. It does make me wonder until I realize the true meaning of the season.

You see God knew from the beginning of time that we were dead. He knew that only he would be able to make us alive. He created us. He came in the form of a helpless baby over 2,000 years ago. He came to be our sacrifice. He was born to die.

The debate about the tax reform bill has me thinking about the role taxes play in society. It was because of taxes that Joseph and Mary had to travel to Bethlehem. Caesar wanted to squeeze more money and have more control over his populace. I can't help that that some of the ones objecting to this tax reform see it as a loss of control. Maybe it is. When you take away the incentive to tax, you free citizens to make up their own minds.

I wonder if the monkey wrench in the system will continue to hold fast. I wonder how many feel vindicated by the win on Tuesday. I wonder when the restrictions will take place.Will it kill whatever incentive people have to live? Will we be forced to accept invisible money? I have to admit that it is convenient to have electronic payment. Yet I still want to stick with physical currency. I like the feel and texture of the paper. I like feeling the cool silver coins in my hands. I like the control that physical money gives me. I won't give that up easily.

I hate the fact that I feel like I'm being more and more disenfranchised by everything that is going on. I miss quiet times when I walked without a care in the world. Sometimes I do long to be with God in heavenly places. I know my place is here.

Growing Fears and Putting it all in Perspective

I took last week off to reflect and regenerate. It was Thanksgiving week, so my thought processes mainly went in the direction of being thankful. I do have a lot to be thankful for this year. I still have a home. I am in reasonably good health. I have a family that still supports me. I have enough food to eat.

The growing fears of being homeless are still there. I haven't had sustainable employment for almost six years. I also fear being alone. I have my family around me now, but they are getting older and more frail. There is also the fear that being unable to handle the fact that time is speeding up for me. I can't seem to grasp all the new technology. It seems so invasive and cruel. Machines have no soul. They can't think like human beings.

When I start to think and put things in perspective, I realize that the Lord has my back. He knows my every need. He even knows what I need before I need it. I just need to accept what he has for me. It's not easy. The fear of homelessness is still there. I can't deny it. I also can't deny that sometimes I feel so alone. I wonder if anyone even cares. I worry about my parents and grow weary with the pressure that they unconsciously put on me. They don't understand that the job market isn't what it used to be. There is just too much competition for employment.

I realize too that in some significant ways that people like me are being ostracized because they refuse to expose their personal information online. I have compromised a bit but there are some things I just refuse to expose. It did cost me. The younger generations are so used to putting it all out there that they just don't think twice about it. Sometimes I do wish I could be so free. I can't.

It's not just me. I see many people around me that distrust putting personal information online. The security leaks are enough to turn anyone's stomach. The manipulation of data is way too easy now. I do try to put it in perspective. I want to trust these organizations, but I can't. I've already been burned a few times with my very personal and private information. I also see the damage that this manipulation has done to others. My growing fears are that I will be sucked in the electronic vortex and lost forever....

Autumn Reflections and Dreams

I've been really busy lately. Two projects are pressing down on me. One of the projects is for Darby while the other one is for Collingdale. When I think about these projects and the ramifications that could affect the area for generations, i is sometimes overwhelming. I am looking for direction and a miracle. I need financial and moral support.

Five buildings are threatened with demolition. Two of the buildings are relatively new. The other three are almost 100 years old. The issue is that the developer is pushing through the demolition because they feel that there is no revenue to keep the buildings. In other words there is no incentive for them to keep the buildings. There is also too much expense to keep those buildings.

My dream of having a building that showcases the community's history. It would be great to see those buildings used as a community center. It would be wonderful to see the revitalization of this area. My dream of having a building that reflects the family values of the community would be nice.