Ugly Thoughts and Trying to Make Sense of it all

It was another really tough week for me. My family is still not listening. I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall. Ugly thoughts are surfacing as I try to make sense of it all. I am angry and very frustrated. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to go through this.

I do want to scream. Satan's wiles surround me. They want to lure me with false promises. I can feel myself being torn apart. Yet I know the Lord is still with me. He will not abandon me in this fiery trial. I can lean on him. I don't understand why all this is happening. Maybe I never will...

The Lord is my strength and my refuge. I have to remember that when I feel my world has turned upside down. I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe that my family's situation will change for the better. I want to believe that the Lord won't give me anymore than I can handle.

It is hard. I am struggling with fears and doubts. I am poor. I am unworthy of God's love. I have no right to ask anything.

I try to make sense of the desperate situation I'm currently in. I question why I am stuck doing something I detest. Why will no one listen to me? Am I being selfish for not wanting to go through this? I am having ugly thoughts. They weigh me down and steal my joy. I don't remember the last time I really laughed. I don't remember the last time I looked forward to something with anticipation. Yet I continue on.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" Matthew 5:3 (KJV) When I read this verse I realize that he could have been talking about me. I feel very poor in spirit. I daily struggle with forces that want to sap my strength.

Struggling To Survive: Finding Meaning In Life

I've been going through a family crisis. I am struggling to survive. Satan is alive and well. He wants to make me miserable. He wants me to doubt my resolve to see this situation through to the end. Yes, I am admittedly tired. Yes, sometimes I do feel so alone. Yes, it does seem that it will take a miracle for this situation to resolve.

My family just doesn't understand. They are pressuring me to give it up. They say that I'm unfeeling and callous. I'm not. I do care. I can't do what they ask me to do. I won't feel guilty. I will keep moving because if I stop....then I might as well be dead. Seriously....Satan wants me to give up. He wants me to feel guilty about my work. He doesn't want me to succeed.

Please don't get me wrong. I do love my family. Unfortunately sometimes it is impossible to make them see that this work is meaningful to me. It is something that I've been driven to do. I know this is true. Yet I get so frustrated trying to make them see this.

My work is the only thing keeping me sane. It is the only thing that drives me to get up in the morning. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am obsessed with this historic preservation work. I can't help thinking though if I didn't stand up and make people aware....who would? I will continue to fight as the Lord gives me strength. He knows my needs. He knows my family situation. He will provide. I know this because he has done it. I am finding meaning in life with this work. I don't want to go back to what I was before. I am trusting the Lord.

A New Year has Dawned: Courses of Action

Yes, I wrote that letter that I talked about in my last post. It didn't turn out the way I envisioned it would turn out. I was going to ask a series of questions but ended up just stating the facts. I don't know what good it will do. I felt that I had to do something.

My next step is to write up a petition. This will be a new adventure for me. I'm no lawyer. I know though that what the borough plans to do is just plain wrong. If no one calls them out on it, then it is assumed that everyone agrees. This is not the case. I was there in July. I saw the upset and angry faces. I heard the calls for appeal. It wasn't time yet. The borough had to be given opportunities to fix the plan. It didn't happen.

I can get really upset if I keep dwelling on it. There are more important things to focus on. I need to play this the right way so no other building gets demolished without better due process. I am still very stressed about my current financial situation too. The threat of not having any money for food is scary. I guess they expect people to starve....:-(.

My parents don't understand. I have tried and am still trying to find work that I can do. Retail work is not for me. I can't stand that many hours. I'm not a people person and close up when someone confronts me. My preferred jobs are the back office kind of jobs. I have been thrust into this leadership position because it is needed. I know that there is no money involved here. I'm not getting paid for what I'm doing. Yet I can't help but do it. I am driven by the love for my community.

I can't sit back. Yet I pray for support in these endeavors. I do need funds. There are tasks that I just can't do without funds to back them up. So if you're following me, my needs are:

1) Steady work-I need a job where I feel that I can contribute but won't overwhelm me.

2) Support and guidance-I need direction if I'm going to pursue a career in historic preservation.

3) Stability-A steady and passive revenue stream that will help me gain some stability so I can serve my family and meet their needs.

I know the Lord knows these needs and the desires of my heart. He also knows the fears that keep me up at night. I do pray that I gain steady employment this year so I can get out from the arms of the government. I also pray for support and guidance for my life's direction. I am selfish, but a steady revenue stream would be great...