Feeling Worn but Pressing On

I came back from two meetings today. I did get some practical information but not geared toward the smaller organizations at the first meeting. I do feel I can use it to some degree. Since I'm not part of a big organization and really don't have the support I need to make things happen, I am feeling worn.

The second meeting was promising. Things are starting to move forward but it is hard when no one seems to show up. It is especially hard when you start depending on these people. I am pressing on and praying for the clouds to break over the obstacles that stand in our way.

I am encouraged to learn that the possibility of some action on one of the old buildings in Darby has increased. Understandably it is frustrating that things are moving so slowly and there is still a possibility of losing everything. I do pray that there is a change in attitude and eyes are open to the possibilities and potential Darby has.

The way things are now it doesn't look like things will change. I have to keep pressing on and encouraging others to press on as well. We need to find some motivation to get these kids off the street at night and into productive jobs. How do you do that? I haven't quite figured that out.

Then there is the increasing pressure and a deadline looming to find sustainable employment by January. I really should find something before then because my funds will be completely dry...:-( by then if not sooner.

I found a new (old) church to go to as my old church has radically changed their direction. I noticed it early last year...but stuck with them then. I did miss some of the activities and hated the change to a newer version of the bible. I found myself questioning what they were saying.  I didn't want to believe it at first. I stuck with them while they celebrated their 100th anniversary last year. I then mourned as more changes took place. Finally I decided that I had enough. I couldn't in good conscience continue on with that church. The changes they implemented starting two weeks ago were just too radical for me. It was time for me to move on.

Overwhelmed and Stressed Out

I know that it's been a couple of weeks since I've written this blog. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything right now. It's not easy to push for ads. You get some rejection. You get questions. Am I making the right decisions?

I know that my parents are saints to put up with me. I am stressed out because I just can't seem to find enough time to do what I need to do. It's not easy to put yourself out there. You get rejected. You have questions. Did I do the right thing by writing those letters?

I know that there is a need out there. I am sure that there is someone out there that needs my services. Yet I can't seem to make the right connections. It's not easy to be patient when you're low on funds. You want answers. Should I be pressing and pushy to get those leads?

I am stressed out because I need funds to produce this booklet and banner. Oh, Lord...please help me to see that people do care about their community and want to promote their businesses and organizations.

The Old Bait & Switch

Hi, have you ever gone on a job interview only to find out that the job you were interviewing for wasn't the one that you applied for? Yup, it just happened to me. Here I was excited with the opportunity of finally working when I got the rug literally pulled out in front of me. I appreciated the interest, but I hadn't really applied for that type of position. It wasn't something I was comfortable with doing again.

Frankly I have to admit that I was expecting something else. I did resign myself to taking the position for a couple of seconds. Yes, it was tempting to just keep my mouth shut and accept it. Something nagged at me. I knew that if I succumbed to the pressure and accepted it, I wouldn't be happy. You might be saying right now..."Oh, take the "damn" job already!" I couldn't and be honest with them and myself.

It did get me thinking that if they could do that from the very beginning, then there is no telling what they might do once I've settled into the position. I'm looking for stability. I'm looking for a position where I feel I can make a difference. I don't like the feeling of being "toyed with" and put in a compromising position. I felt that I had to be honest.

No one likes the old bait and switch tactics when they want to buy something. It's not good for business and it's not good for life. I do have another interview, not with the same company, tomorrow. I'm hoping for better results.

Rays of Hope-Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm feeling a lot better about myself this week. Things are starting to turn around for me on the job front. I'm feeling hopeful and needed. It's a good feeling...one that I hadn't felt for a little while. I don't want to jinx it though. Something can always happen.

Lord knows my needs. He grants my desires. I don't want to go back to the way I was before my eyes were opened to the world around me. I know that I was selfish and self serving in many ways. I am learning that I need to open up and reach out to others. Keeping stuff bottled up inside isn't good.

I do see some light at the end of this tunnel. I am praying that I do get the position with this company. They seem really friendly and willing to go out on a limb for someone like me. I would owe them some loyalty for their efforts.

Lord knows I need some good news. He is providing for my needs and for my family's needs. Thank you, Lord. I know that I don't deserve your love, yet you give it to me freely. Help me to be the person you want me to be.

Wanting To Strangle Someone

Hi, before you get into a tizzy about this title...I caught your attention, didn't I? It has been a very tough week for me. It doesn't help when someone thinking they are doing this huge favor actually makes things worse. I know she had the best of intentions with her monetary gift but it has caused major issues in my family.

I'm about ready to strangle someone for putting this much pressure on me. She just doesn't realize the harm that she's causing with her insinuations that I'm not pushing enough to find employment. It's bad enough when someone I live with every day accuses me of not doing enough, but it really hurts when someone who really doesn't understand the situation puts their "two cents" in. The person I'm living with will never understand the pressure and is always complaining about her circumstances.

Do you really think that I'm just sitting here doing nothing?.....Ugh! I talk to others outside the family and they seem to get it. It's amazing when I get the opportunity to vent about my current circumstances how much better I feel. Yet then I realize that I shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry to strangers. Oh well....sometimes you just have to let go.

I'm thankful for the ability to talk to Jesus and air out what's bothering me. I'm grateful for his guidance in my life even when I start to feel like I want to strangle someone. I realize that in my own power and strength that I would not be able to extinguish this feeling. Jesus does give me the ability to control the anger and frustration I'm feeling now at those who are now irritating me. I can love them through him. Without him, there is no love.

Waitng for a Miracle and Hoping for the Best

I know that it's been a few weeks since I last posted on this blog. A lot has happened since then. Justifying my new employment as a freelance writer isn't easy. It is however a lot easier than saying I'm unemployed and unemployable. Yet for all intents and purposes I am. There I said it.

I am waiting for a miracle and hoping for the best. It hasn't been easy to say that I really can't do this or that because there is just no money. I do have to justify any expenses I incur now because I'm on the government's dole. It does hurt to admit this. It's no fun to pretend that I'm doing fine when I feel torn up inside because of my inability and unwillingness to expose myself online.

I can let the anger and frustration of my current circumstances overwhelm me. I can give in to the despair and bitterness that surrounds me on a daily basis, but I won't.  I dont want to be remembered (if at all) as a bitter old woman who complains about everything. I want to be remembered as someone who cared enough for others to make the world a better place. I want to show future generations that there is good in everyone and miracles do happen.

I do hope for the best as I press forward. Sometimes it does get tiring, but I have to stop and look around. I have to get my head out of the "sand" of my circumstances, reach out to others and provide them with a helping hand. I can't be a "give me" kind of person. I know that I do have a tendency of focusing on my selfish goals without considering others. What kind of miracle is that if I get what I want when there are so many others that are struggling just to stay alive one more day?

I do have to start focusing on the needs of others around me. I got to stop thinking of myself and my needs. I have to start depending on God for them and acknowledging that he knows what's best for me. It is hard. I admit that sometimes I just want to scream at the injustice. I also admit there are times that I'm just not very loving to my parents and those close to me. They just don't seem to understand the struggle I'm having and they selfishly think that I can just take anything without any consequences....sigh. If I could click my heels and wishes would be granted, I would:

1) wish for a nice retirement community home for my parents to live in.

2) wish for a husband to take care of me (maybe)

3) wish for money enough to support a learning center to help young people find work and learn about their heritage

I know that I'm being selfish but I don't wish for a job. I wish for revenue streams and a career where I can make a difference in someone's life. I just know I wouldn't want to go into the medical field...too cold and impersonal for me.

Trying to Remain Positive in the Midst of A Storm

Yes, I admit that I haven't done nearly enough to push myself out of this financial mess I'm in. Yes, I admit there is a great fear that time is running out to do something productive and move forward on my dreams. No, I will not give in to despair. No, I will not wallow in self-pity and doubt my abilities to move forward.

I am trying to remain positive about my situation. I know that there are others that are far worse off than I am. I know I can't give in to fear or succumb to the irrational sense that things are falling apart around me. It is difficult to remain calm when my bank account is so low. I don't know what to do. Yet I do know that God has a plan for me. I know that he won't leave me alone and without hope.

I have to believe that there is hope for me and for my country. I need to believe that God is merciful and just. I know that God's wrath is real and will remember to follow his will. I do fear for those who believe wrongly that there is no hell and no consequences for their actions. I have to believe that those who willfully push their evil ways on those who are vulnerable will see that wrath poured down on their heads. I need to believe that those who are laughing as they desecrate the land and the people will get their "just desserts." I know that God won't tolerate those who blatantly mock God and his word for long. Their day is coming. Judgment will be swift and unending for those who continue to mock God, dismiss his servants and break his laws.

I do feel this in my bones. Our young people are being brainwashed to believe that everything is supposed to be handed to them on a platter. None realize that it takes a lot of hard work and determination to make a success.

Somedays I do feel like I'm spinning my wheels trying to find some work that I can do. I try to remain positive in this storm, but I need help.