Week Three-The Pity Party

It has been a particularly rough week for me. There have been some days when I felt so useless and depressed that I couldn't function. Anyone who tells you that welfare recipients are lazy or that they should just "get a job"...isn't living in the real world. The older generation, those born in the 1930s, 1940s and early 1950s, just don't have any concept of how difficult it is to find work. Some have no clue about the intense competition or the stigma that hangs on someone like me.

It is laughable in a way. I am struggling in this deep dark financial pit. Yes, I am having a pity party. I get angry when I hear old folks complain that they had it a lot tougher....or tell you to get a job...like it was easy to do. It's not.

There's a very good reason. Everything is online. Some companies even expect you to expose your SSN before considering you for a job. I've made that mistake a couple of times recently and I could "kick" myself for doing it. I am very stubborn about giving my SSN online, so these were paper files...but it still felt wrong. I wondered what ever happened to trust? Why would anyone need to run a credit check on you? It seems to me that we should go back to the way it was before...and only give that highly sensitive information on a W2 or W9 form when we're hired for the job.

I am realizing that it isn't easy for anyone. The media can whitewash it all they want...say that things are getting better...hope that everyone goes back into a coma...but it isn't going to happen. There are a lot of angry and frustrated people out there that are literally screaming for sustainable and supportive work that pays a steady income. I am one of them. I admit it. I am angry, frightened and weary with the whole situation.

I need help, but I don't know where to turn. It seems like everyone around me is going through the same things that I am. Everyone is struggling financially...and it isn't pretty. I pray for guidance and a sense of peace as I move forward.

I will stop this pity party and hope that within the next week or so, I will have sustainable income.

Week Two-Welfare Woes

I don't think it really hit me until this week that I've gotten down to accepting food stamps. I had a few people pity me. I could see the distain on their faces. I wish I could tell them that it really wasn't my fault that I got here. I know that it is. I'm still too stubborn to face the fact that I need to be more extroverted and more willing to take the disgusting jobs that no one else wants.

Something inside me still rebells at the thought. How did I get to this point? I don't know. I just know that somehow...someway I need to get out of this pit of sorrow and despair. I can't continue to wallow in it.

There are still jobs out there that I can do. I just need to find them...but I'm not sure how to do it. It is difficult when potential employers now see me as someone who is unemployable. They are wrong...of course. I have for the past four years worked voluntarily as the President of a non-profit organization. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes...just like with the job search...I felt defeated and lost.

I will continue to try to find work. I really have no choice now but to find something before my funds completely run out.

Week One of Being On Welfare

Yes, you read this right. I'm currently on welfare, living on food stamps (Access Card) and wondering when I can finally get out from under this stressful existence. It hasn't been a bad week. I learned some things I hadn't known about before I was actually in this situation.

1) Money is still tight. Access cards are not a way out. It's only a stop gap measure.

2) It is very easy to get food, but not that easy to get cash for food.

3) The stigma of being on welfare makes people look at you differently....but it's not as bad as I imagined it would be.

I will continue to struggle with this for a while as I try to adjust my thinking downward and move to find ways to gain revenue quickly and legally.

Yes, you may consider me lazy now for taking this handout. You may even be asking yourself why I haven't gotten gainful employment as yet. Believe me, I sometimes ask myself that same question. I pray for that job and for someone to give me a chance. It isn't easy being considered a pariah and untouchable because I've been out of the workforce for so long. I do fight with my inner feelings and with my relations because of this. Anyone who knows me knows that I do work hard. Yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here...:-(

How can I get someone to notice me and take a chance? How many others are like me struggling to get noticed and get paid for their work? I don't know. We are hidden from view and cast aside.

A New Respect For Case Workers and the Department of Welfare

I went to the welfare office today to pick up my Access Card. While I was waiting I heard about an middle-aged woman with sandals on her feet that had no access to food. I could tell that she was desperate and tired.  I heard that the case worker tried to help, but circumstances got in the way. I don't know what happened. I suspect that she got frustrated. I then saw a young mother with her two week old daughter with no place to stay. Apparently she got kicked out of the shelter. It was interesting but a bit distressing to hear those stories. I prayed for both.

It isn't easy being a case worker. You work long hours for little pay. You deal with all sorts of problems and are expected to have solutions. You don't have the resources you need to do your job. I had to smile when the assistant told me that I should pull up a desk. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.

I definitely have a goal of not staying on welfare for too long. It was necessary because of my current financial situation. I'm glad that I can do this, but sad that I have to do it. Does that make any sense? I guess in some way it does. I continue to look for ways to make money without resorting to illegal means. I tell myself daily that it will be worth it to push forward.

I will push forward. I must push forward....

Uncharted Waters: The ongoing struggle to survive in an electronic age

I googled the phrase "uncharted waters; struggles of the long term unemployed. I read an interesting 29 page report that was mysteriously deleted from a federal database and placed in a LinkedIn slide share. He really did "nail things" with this report by saying that it's not just ageism that keeping the long term unemployed without gainful employment. It is a lethal combination of getting the right certificates, having the right targeted experiences and technology itself. I know that I've experienced this myself.

I am really in uncharted waters because like a good number of my generation...we didn't grow up with the electronics and technology that is so wide spread today. We weren't specialists but had a well rounded education and on-the-job training in a variety of roles. Most of these roles unfortunately are being symptomatically taken over by electronics...ie robots and other mechanical devices.

This is having a very bad affect on our society. I know that I'm on "my last legs" having to break down and go on welfare. Anyone who says that I'm lazy really doesn't know me. They criticize me for succumbing to the pressure that I've been under for four years now. They don't know that being on welfare is the absolute last resort for me and something that I've been resisting for a long time.

It is very difficult to accept the fact that I'll soon be completely out of funds. If not for the welfare and the occasional work I'm getting paid for....I'd be on the streets like many others. I know there is a solution...but it has to come from someone who is willing to take a chance on people like myself...and pay them a living wage.

More thoughts about the End Times in Light of Terrorism

It kept playing over and over in my mind today. I know that some have become callous and cold over the terrorist attacks, but I just can't. Every time I hear something like what happened in Belgium this morning, my stomach churns and I grieve. I also wonder why God would allow it to happen.

It is also about this same time that I long for Christ's return. I know that most pastors and teachers are saying that it will be very soon. Sometimes that thought scares me. I have to re-evaluate my life and check my doubts and fears. I have to trust that God knows what he's doing by keeping me here.

It does scare me when I realize how percarious my position is now. I am less than a month away from being insolvent. It is hard to keep things going normally or act as if everything is going just dandy. I just have to look around and know that it isn't for anyone.

It may be just me. Maybe I'm not doing enough to push through the negativity around me. Maybe I just don't feel comfortable exposing myself like I've been asked to recently. Maybe I'm just not desperate enough. I don't know. I wish I did.

In this week when I reflect on all the Lord has done for me, I realize that he has opened my eyes to what he sees in the world. He weeps along with me for the lost souls stuck in desperate straits and not knowing the love he has for them.

The pressure he must have been under...knowing that he would have to sacrifice himself for the world. The pain he must have endured...not just the physical pain but the spiritual and emotion pain as well. To be separated from his father and have him turn away must have cost him heartache. Yet he did it for us. That still "blows" me away....I can't picture anyone willing to let go like that. Most of us cling to things long after they have served their purpose. We wouldn't willingly sacrifice anything...let alone our lives....Yes that is just what Jesus did that long ago Friday. Something to think about this week...

Thinking About The Journey Ahead and Wondering When the Lord Will Return

You might be thinking right about now about why I picked this particular topic right now. I have been thinking a lot about my personal journey. When you're on line like I am, you do get exposed a lot to the type of hatred that makes stomachs turn. I sometimes want to blot it out. I do wonder at times like this when the Lord will return.

You might be wondering why I would want the Lord to return. I have been asking myself if I'm ready to face the Lord. When you're in the midst of an increasingly volatile situation, thinking about the new Heaven and Earth is what gets you through it. I sometimes dream of that day when there will be no pain and no sickness. I long for the Lord's return and his reign.

You might be wishing as I am that the hatred and volatility of the world would cease. My heart aches for all those who are suffering now from persecution because of their religious beliefs. In America, this persecution is still pretty subtle...except for the fact that at least a half dozen have been brutally murdered for professing their belief in Jesus Christ in the past twenty four months.

You might be hoping that things will get better and wishing that everyone who wanted to work could work. This hits me personally. I really do want to work at a stable job with a steady income. As I think of the journey ahead, I admit that I am frightened that I will never find that stable job. I know that I have to trust God for his provision.

It is hard. I am in the pit of despair with the financial dragons at the door. I am fighting the good fight though. I have others that are interested in my plight. I do know that God has my best interest at heart and that I will get past this soon.

It will happen. I feel it in my bones. I can sense a change that is coming...just like Easter...a renewal of life.