Happy New Year

It is hard for me to believe that I've been writing this blog for four years now. I started back in 2009 as a way to stretch myself as a writer. I decided to focus on time as I've always had a certain fascination with time. I still remember my seventh year quite vividly because it was the year I felt that I visited twice. The first time I experienced things no one else remembers experiencing...such as the fact that there was no Apollo 13, nor was there any 13th floor in any building built. The second time Apollo 13 and the averted tragedy did happen and there actually are 13th floors. Can you guess what year it was? Should be fairly easy....

In some ways I am looking forward to 2014 and in other ways I'm not. I do want to get another book published this year...and am looking forward to seeing it in print. Being viewed as an outcast or a fugitive because of something I'm against on a personal scale isn't something to look forward to in the next year...but it is what I and maybe thousands of others will face. Can we stand against it? I'm not sure. I lean on the Lord and pray for his guidance and strength.

Making the best out of an increasing hostile work environment

It's been a month now. Things are not getting better. In fact in some ways they are getting worse. I don't know what to do. I hate to "rat" on the "ladies" because I know I'm as guilty as they are for this present situation. I know I could be more open and willing to submit. Yet this is the very thing I rebel against, especially when I'm distracted and I've had on average 6 hours of sleep.

Sometimes just knowing that you have to do better helps. You have to take a deep breath, assess the situation and pray. I realize that they are just as frustrated with me as I am with them. We've reached a kind of impasse.

I can be grateful for the job...that there is money coming in now. Yet every day I question if it's really worth it. I haven't been able to answer that question yet. This document management nightmare has to end soon. It wouldn't been so bad if the documents were being actively used. They are not. They are taking up space. There are boxes everywhere.

So how do I make the best out of this increasingly hostile work environment? Continue to be nice even when you feel like snapping right back at them. Wait on the Lord's leading. He will lead you out of there, if that is what he decides to do. Take a deep breath and a step back....I am still too close to the situation. Thank God for the little things and let him handle the big ones.

Swimming in Deep Waters-Trying to keep my head above water

The new job is not working out at all. I should have got the message when the person who hired me kept asking if I still wanted to pursue it or not. I didn't. I thought at first it was only because I've been away from the job market for so long. I know now that it really isn't that. I feel like I'm swimming in deep waters here. I know I desperately need this job, which is the only reason I took it in the first place. Yet now, I'm seriously thinking that I made a grave error. It's hard to keep your head above water when you see no place of refuge in sight.

I don't like my co-workers because they make me feel nervous and small. I hate their choice of music which wears, distracts and disgusts me at times. I don't know why I'm there. They don't seem to need me as much as they complain about having no time off. I don't think I should be feeling that I really want to leave and get another job this early "in the game" but I do.

I can't even think about Christmas....and sadly enough I'll be glad to have the two days off we'll have next week even though I won't get paid for it. I tell myself that this is only temporary....and prayerfully some job that is way better suited for my talents and abilities will come along very soon. I just don't know what I'll do if it doesn't. The way I'm feeling now, I don't think I'll last here until the new year. It's that bad. So how did I get into this situation? The way most have....through no fault of their own...and desperation.

Desperation jobs sometimes work....I was desperate the last time I was unemployed....and I met a good boss who really supported me...and other good friends. This time, however, I don't see that happening because I think I managed to alienate everyone.

I need guidance and help to get me out of this difficult situation. It will take a miracle...and I don't know if I can believe in miracles.

Adjusting to Life....being thankful

I could have sworn that I wrote something last week on this blog. It has been a very hectic week though, so I may not have. I am adjusting to my new job. It hasn't been easy. I've had to carve out time for things I used to do. It is a good thing. It is nice not to have to worry about where I'm going to get money to live on. I am thankful that I have this job. I tell myself that this rocky week is just that....a rocky week.

I can get excited about upcoming events. I can push forward hoping for the best...or I can let the bitter people around me bring me down to their level. They are also adjusting to me. Right now I can see that they want to get rid of me. It's understandable. I am not the person they were looking for when the search came for this position. I'm not comfortable around them. They are not comfortable around me.

Am I going to let someone else dictate how I'm going to live? No. I do have some control. I will not let others control what I think and feel.

Time to be Thankful

Yes, when I reflect back on this year I realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my family and friends who have seen me through a dark pit of despondency and desperation. I am thankful for a roof over my head, food on my table and relatively good health. I am thankful for God who loves and provides for my every need.

I still have a long way to go. There are still obstacles in my path, some are scary....others not so scary. I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. I have support coming to me from all different directions. Yet sometimes I forget this. I have to be reminded that if I follow God's will and let him lead me, then I will see his glory shine in me. If I don't, then only I suffer for it. God doesn't punish me like I deserve to be punished. Instead he beckons me to follow him, let him lead and lay my burdens at his feet.

With God, nothing is impossible. I can be thankful for the life he's given me to share with others, the opportunities he's given me to serve others and for the many people I've met during this year of discovery. I am looking forward to next week when I will be introduced again to my new co-workers and start another journey. I do have a good feeling about this new job. I am thankful for this opportunity to fulfill a need.

Seeing things through another person's eyes

You never really understand things until you look at them through someone else's eyes. It is difficult to relate to them when you are only concerned about your own well-being. I have had to relearn this lesson a number of times. In some ways I am a slow learner. Some would say that it is human nature to care about filling your own needs before you turn to supply someone else's needs. Yes, I do agree with that statement. It is a lot easier to fill your own needs than it is to fill someone else's needs. Yet this is exactly what you don't want to do. It's selfish and self seeking to focus only on how you are going to fill your own needs. If you instead look outward, studying the people around you for what their needs are...then amazingly enough you will fill your own needs as well.

I've seen this in practice. Finding out what someone needs really isn't that difficult. You must first decide that you are going to take your eyes off your own situation. Worrying about all the bad things that could happen to you only saps your energy anyway....so why worry? Next, you should be open to listen. Listening skills can be learned. Good listening skills will help you define what the person needs and you may be able to provide. You will find some interesting stuff when you decide to shut off the "noise" and listen to others. Let the person know you're listening by: repeating what they said, asking questions and commenting on the words. Don't interrupt them while they are talking. It is rude...and makes the person lose their train of thought.

Write down what you plan to do and share it. Make sure they understand where you are coming from and ask for clarification of anything you don't understand. Once you do this, on most occasions, you can genuinely see through that person's eyes and resolve their problems.

Finally, step back and enjoy the colors of autumn. Their beauty is fleeting. Remember that when you feel like giving up on the human race.

Thanking God for family and friends

I've been going through a really rough trial the past year and half. Some of what happened is still clinging to my soul. It has changed me. There is no denying that. I realize that I can't go back to the way I was a year and half ago. There are things that I learned that I won't forget that readily. I don't want to forget them. I also don't want to forget to thank God for my family and friends. Without their support, I don't think I'd make it through this life sane.

I know that I've had to step back, reevaluate what's important and hold onto it. There were times and still are when I feel like giving up. The naysayers tell you that you'll fail. They tell you to give up before you even try. Then someone who knows you offers encouragement and help. They tell you that you can't give up. They tell you that even if you do fail, that you will be able to get back up and try again.

Sometimes my mind is overwrought with everything that I still need to do. Yet when I step back, take a deep breath and listen...I find that my mind is perfectly calm. I cherish my family and friends. I realize that often I snap at them for no reason...and I marvel that they don't (thankfully) snap back at me. I am still learning not to take in everything at once...the way this world seems to want you to do....but to take things in piecemeal in manageable chunks.