The holidays are now gone. I can't say how they went for me. I did put up a small tree and took it down today. I also got some closure from the loss I've been feeling. I am glad that my parents are not living now. I know that's strange to say. Yet it is also freeing because I know where they are.
Older senior citizens are going to be and have been affected by the many changes going on in this world. They are less adaptable to them. I do know that they wouldn't have lasted long under the tremendous pressure being exerted by government and private industry to conform.
As I reflect and mull over the distressing news I heard from all corners, a still small voice echoes that God is in control. This season of life that I'm still in the midst of has taught me to trust him for all things. It is a daily lesson. He has richly provided for me. He knows my needs. I shouldn't worry about anything.
The new year is a perfect time to start over. One of the lessons I'm learning is to focus and pray about God's will in my life. I don't want to go back to the selfish way of life I had. It isn't all about me. I am moving on from a selfish and anxious way of life. I can share the love God has lavished on me. I don't have to mourn and carry on for a way of life that is now gone. I can't cling to the past anymore but I can use the lessons I learned to create a pathway to the future.
The world wants to think that they control me. In some ways, it may seem to be true. It is very easy to manipulate data to make it seem that something happened when it didn't. It is hard to believe anything anymore. Yet I do believe. I believe in Jesus Christ and the redemption I have in him. He is my anchor in this storm that I'm going through and he will see me through it.
Step by step I move forward into his perfect will. I am not afraid to start over and move on now. I know that the Lord is with me every step of the way.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Christmas In Heaven: Grieving Through the Holiday
I kept myself busy these past two weeks. I didn't want to think about Christmas or what it would now mean. I am only now getting to the point of accepting that my parents are no longer here on Earth. They are spending their first Christmas in Heaven with my paternal grandmother who died eighteen years ago this month.
Some days are better. The heavy weight of loss doesn't slam into me then. I don't stress about what I'm going to do without them. I trust that the Lord does have my best interests at heart. I know that he loves me better than I love myself.
I don't look forward to Christmas. I admit this freely. There are some things I just can't do, like put up the tree. I do have one small tree that I decorated but haven't the heart to keep the lights on it. It is hard to even think about gifts either. I feel guilty and stressed whenever I start to think about gifts. I know that my family doesn't expect anything from me. Yet I do want to do something for them. I also long to do something to remember my parents and grandparents. I don't want to forget them like many have.
Someday I will see them again. I wouldn't wish them to come back here to this increasingly dark planet. I know that they are with the Lord. When I remind myself of the Lord's promises I can move forward in his light.
The experts say that the first year is the hardest. I have to agree. My heart does ache with the loss. Yet I wouldn't deprive them of the joy they are now experiencing in the light of God's love. God knows the pain I'm feeling now all too well. He gave his only son that we may have eternal life. It is through Jesus that we are redeemed.
Some days are better. The heavy weight of loss doesn't slam into me then. I don't stress about what I'm going to do without them. I trust that the Lord does have my best interests at heart. I know that he loves me better than I love myself.
I don't look forward to Christmas. I admit this freely. There are some things I just can't do, like put up the tree. I do have one small tree that I decorated but haven't the heart to keep the lights on it. It is hard to even think about gifts either. I feel guilty and stressed whenever I start to think about gifts. I know that my family doesn't expect anything from me. Yet I do want to do something for them. I also long to do something to remember my parents and grandparents. I don't want to forget them like many have.
Someday I will see them again. I wouldn't wish them to come back here to this increasingly dark planet. I know that they are with the Lord. When I remind myself of the Lord's promises I can move forward in his light.
The experts say that the first year is the hardest. I have to agree. My heart does ache with the loss. Yet I wouldn't deprive them of the joy they are now experiencing in the light of God's love. God knows the pain I'm feeling now all too well. He gave his only son that we may have eternal life. It is through Jesus that we are redeemed.
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
A Town in Mourning: Loss of a Local Icon
I live in a small town on the outskirts of a major city. This small town like many small towns was at one time proudly independent. It was suburban in the way it was run by local officials. The local officials were involved in every aspect of the town making sure everything ran smoothly. They cared about their citizens and always tried to meet their needs. They stood up when evil forces tried to ruin the town. They had a good strong police force and reliable fire departments to help citizens and the surrounding communities.
The mayor of these small towns is considered the "backbone" of the town providing support and encouraging growth. Mayor Frank Kelly definitely filed the role. He provided support and encouraged growth. He also was a champion of historical preservation until fairly recently. He saved the former Collingdale High School building from demolition in 1986. He encouraged the establishment of the Collingdale High School Alumni Association by providing them with a room to store all the treasures of Collingdale in what is now known as the Alumni room.
The very recent loss of Mayor Kelly will leave a gap in the administration that will be hard to replace. There will be some radical changes, some will be very hard to take even though the town has been fading away for a little while. Some will blame this fading away on "white flight". Collingdale was at one time in the 1960s about 80 percent white with about 20 percent black. Today the percentage is almost, but not quite the reverse. I would say around 70 percent black and 30 percent white. Some will blame the fading away on the economy. Yes, the economy does play a big factor in this. Yet I do see the biggest change in the administrating being the fact that globalization has effectively wiped out the pride of small towns and made them ineffective.
The mayor of these small towns is considered the "backbone" of the town providing support and encouraging growth. Mayor Frank Kelly definitely filed the role. He provided support and encouraged growth. He also was a champion of historical preservation until fairly recently. He saved the former Collingdale High School building from demolition in 1986. He encouraged the establishment of the Collingdale High School Alumni Association by providing them with a room to store all the treasures of Collingdale in what is now known as the Alumni room.
The very recent loss of Mayor Kelly will leave a gap in the administration that will be hard to replace. There will be some radical changes, some will be very hard to take even though the town has been fading away for a little while. Some will blame this fading away on "white flight". Collingdale was at one time in the 1960s about 80 percent white with about 20 percent black. Today the percentage is almost, but not quite the reverse. I would say around 70 percent black and 30 percent white. Some will blame the fading away on the economy. Yes, the economy does play a big factor in this. Yet I do see the biggest change in the administrating being the fact that globalization has effectively wiped out the pride of small towns and made them ineffective.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
Being Thankful in The Midst of Pain and Sorrow
This Thursday Americans like myself will be celebrating Thanksgiving with family and friends. This year will be very different for me and my family though. We will be missing our mother and father. It really hasn't sunk in that I won't ever see their faces again in this life. I keep thinking that one day I'll see them again here on Earth. It's silly. They aren't coming back.
People mean well. They all say that they are in a better place. I should be thankful, but it still hurts. I can't help thinking about how really quick it was. Was it only this time last year that my father felt well enough to eat Thanksgiving dinner? I can still see him struggling though to swallow even then. I really can't recall that last real meal that he enjoyed. I know that Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday.
My mom wasn't a turkey fan. She loved pecan pie though. I made it for her every year until she couldn't eat it anymore due to her teeth. I didn't make it last year, but I did make pumpkin pie. I will miss her sweet potato casserole with the marshmallows. I know my niece will miss the green bean casserole she used to make.
I am finding it hard to be thankful right now. The pain is overwhelming as I try to process that my grandmother, mother, and father are now all gone. Everything is changing as the traditions I cherished are dissolving like snow. Lord, please help me through this veil of tears. Rid me of the feeling of being all alone. I am not alone. You are with me, Lord.
People mean well. They all say that they are in a better place. I should be thankful, but it still hurts. I can't help thinking about how really quick it was. Was it only this time last year that my father felt well enough to eat Thanksgiving dinner? I can still see him struggling though to swallow even then. I really can't recall that last real meal that he enjoyed. I know that Thanksgiving was his favorite holiday.
My mom wasn't a turkey fan. She loved pecan pie though. I made it for her every year until she couldn't eat it anymore due to her teeth. I didn't make it last year, but I did make pumpkin pie. I will miss her sweet potato casserole with the marshmallows. I know my niece will miss the green bean casserole she used to make.
I am finding it hard to be thankful right now. The pain is overwhelming as I try to process that my grandmother, mother, and father are now all gone. Everything is changing as the traditions I cherished are dissolving like snow. Lord, please help me through this veil of tears. Rid me of the feeling of being all alone. I am not alone. You are with me, Lord.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
The Sufferer's Holiday-Surviving the Pain and Loss
It wasn't that long ago that my parents were relatively healthy. I can still recall the last time my father stood in front of me and hugged me. I didn't know at the time that it would be the last time. My father wasn't a demonstrative man. He didn't hug excessively. I can also recall a time before my mother broke her hip when she actively participated in life with her baking.
I will miss them. The holidays will be tough without them. I heard it said that this time of year is the sufferer's holiday. I'm not sure if I agree or not. I know that I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year. If I were honest with myself, I'd have to admit that Christmas hasn't been a good holiday for me since my grandmother died in 2001. She died right before Christmas which really put a damper on the holiday for me.
I have survived the pain and loss then. At least I like to think that I've survived. My parents' deaths though have opened that wound. I feel the despair and wonder if I'll make it through. Everyone is telling me that I really need to take care of myself. It is very hard. I do feel like I've been torn in two. This past week it was finally settled that I would take over Mom's estate. It felt final. There was no going back.
I remember how God grieves for me. I ask myself why he should care. Then I remember the redemption story how he came to Earth to die for my sins. Jesus is acquainted with suffering. He feels our pain. That is a great comfort to me. He is no faceless god but a true living God. Thank you, Lord, for your remarkable gift.
I will miss them. The holidays will be tough without them. I heard it said that this time of year is the sufferer's holiday. I'm not sure if I agree or not. I know that I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year. If I were honest with myself, I'd have to admit that Christmas hasn't been a good holiday for me since my grandmother died in 2001. She died right before Christmas which really put a damper on the holiday for me.
I have survived the pain and loss then. At least I like to think that I've survived. My parents' deaths though have opened that wound. I feel the despair and wonder if I'll make it through. Everyone is telling me that I really need to take care of myself. It is very hard. I do feel like I've been torn in two. This past week it was finally settled that I would take over Mom's estate. It felt final. There was no going back.
I remember how God grieves for me. I ask myself why he should care. Then I remember the redemption story how he came to Earth to die for my sins. Jesus is acquainted with suffering. He feels our pain. That is a great comfort to me. He is no faceless god but a true living God. Thank you, Lord, for your remarkable gift.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
The Importance of Church and Being with Your Church Family
This has been percolating in the back of my mind for a while now. It came to the forefront when I was confronted by a member of my family while on a few days vacation. She wondered why I kept insisting on going to church. She couldn't understand why it was important to me that I attend church. At the time I really couldn't explain the urge to be in God's house or why I felt drained when I couldn't go.
She came up with two excuses about why she and the other members of the family don't attend church while on vacation. Both excuses really didn't address the real reasons for not attending church. Instead, the excuses made me sad. I couldn't help but think that many people give the same excuses for not attending. I do think that there has to be a very good reason why you can't attend church to skip it. Maybe I am old school here, but it has been drilled in me that I need to be in God's house on Sunday morning. The only good reason for not being there is that you are very ill. Yet I did find myself missing church because there was no church in walking distance from where I was staying. It did frustrate me but also drove home a point.
Why is going to church important? Is it to fellowship with other believers? Yes. Having fellowship with believers is an important component to growth. It is not the only thing and shouldn't be the first thing. I know that some people believe that church can go on anywhere. They like to quote the bible verse that says when two or more people meet that Jesus is in the midst of them. Yes, Jesus resides in the heart of believers. The problem is that there is a lack of discipline with this type of thinking. People that only depend on what they hear from random sources often lack direction.
A local Bible-believing church is a precious commodity. It provides an anchor in the midst of life's storms. You may see it as only a church building but it is so much more. Your local church provides concrete support in many ways. A good church establishes itself as part of the community at large and has many opportunities for its members to show Christ's love to others. It creates a stable environment where you can get close and learn more about Jesus. That knowledge is why I choose to attend church every Sunday. I long to get close and learn more about my Lord and Savior.
It does sadden me to see so many churches closing their doors. Their ministry has weakened and they lost their "saltiness" to the world. I strive in my own way to embrace the local church and support its ministry.
She came up with two excuses about why she and the other members of the family don't attend church while on vacation. Both excuses really didn't address the real reasons for not attending church. Instead, the excuses made me sad. I couldn't help but think that many people give the same excuses for not attending. I do think that there has to be a very good reason why you can't attend church to skip it. Maybe I am old school here, but it has been drilled in me that I need to be in God's house on Sunday morning. The only good reason for not being there is that you are very ill. Yet I did find myself missing church because there was no church in walking distance from where I was staying. It did frustrate me but also drove home a point.
Why is going to church important? Is it to fellowship with other believers? Yes. Having fellowship with believers is an important component to growth. It is not the only thing and shouldn't be the first thing. I know that some people believe that church can go on anywhere. They like to quote the bible verse that says when two or more people meet that Jesus is in the midst of them. Yes, Jesus resides in the heart of believers. The problem is that there is a lack of discipline with this type of thinking. People that only depend on what they hear from random sources often lack direction.
A local Bible-believing church is a precious commodity. It provides an anchor in the midst of life's storms. You may see it as only a church building but it is so much more. Your local church provides concrete support in many ways. A good church establishes itself as part of the community at large and has many opportunities for its members to show Christ's love to others. It creates a stable environment where you can get close and learn more about Jesus. That knowledge is why I choose to attend church every Sunday. I long to get close and learn more about my Lord and Savior.
It does sadden me to see so many churches closing their doors. Their ministry has weakened and they lost their "saltiness" to the world. I strive in my own way to embrace the local church and support its ministry.
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Headaches and Heartaches-The Gift That Keeps on Giving
I've been overwhelmed and a bit lost lately. I wish someone would have a book on how to deal with assets and liabilities after someone dies. It is extremely difficult to focus on stuff that I know I need to deal with now. Anyone who has been following this blog religiously knows that I've just come out of a tremendous financial crisis and have been struggling for a very long time to find sustainable work.
The fact is that although I'm in better shape than I was two months ago when I was on the brink of financial ruin, I'm still far from okay. Dealing with the stress of having to find sustainable work while juggling other important responsibilities is no fun. Yes, I know. People are literally screaming at me to do something. I'm trying. Some days I feel like I'm being literally torn apart. The grief counselors say this is normal. I don't feel normal. I feel like running away and forgetting everything.
I know what I want. I want stability. Unstable environments make me queasy. Admittedly right now I'm scared. The heartache of losing the stable presence of my parents has rocked my world. My head is hurting from the many tasks that I've let go and have been pressured to complete. Some have even threatened me with a future monetary loss. I can't deal with this now. I need to step back and make rational decisions about what my new normal will look like and how I will move forward in my life.
I do know that God's got my back. He has been with me all along helping me in ways that I'm only now beginning to realize. Yes, some days I am anxious about what's next for me. The longing for a stable position grows daily. I also know that God's timing is perfect. I do need to wait for his direction and not go off "half-cocked." His gift of salvation is the gift that keeps on giving long after we leave this world. I still question the reasons why he allowed my father to suffer as he did, yet released my mother after a week's time.
I know that he questioned it too. I know that he didn't want to be confined to that hospital bed. He was hoping against hope that he would get better. I knew though that he wouldn't. It was a heartache I lived with for months. Now I can say goodbye knowing that I will see him again.
The fact is that although I'm in better shape than I was two months ago when I was on the brink of financial ruin, I'm still far from okay. Dealing with the stress of having to find sustainable work while juggling other important responsibilities is no fun. Yes, I know. People are literally screaming at me to do something. I'm trying. Some days I feel like I'm being literally torn apart. The grief counselors say this is normal. I don't feel normal. I feel like running away and forgetting everything.
I know what I want. I want stability. Unstable environments make me queasy. Admittedly right now I'm scared. The heartache of losing the stable presence of my parents has rocked my world. My head is hurting from the many tasks that I've let go and have been pressured to complete. Some have even threatened me with a future monetary loss. I can't deal with this now. I need to step back and make rational decisions about what my new normal will look like and how I will move forward in my life.
I do know that God's got my back. He has been with me all along helping me in ways that I'm only now beginning to realize. Yes, some days I am anxious about what's next for me. The longing for a stable position grows daily. I also know that God's timing is perfect. I do need to wait for his direction and not go off "half-cocked." His gift of salvation is the gift that keeps on giving long after we leave this world. I still question the reasons why he allowed my father to suffer as he did, yet released my mother after a week's time.
I know that he questioned it too. I know that he didn't want to be confined to that hospital bed. He was hoping against hope that he would get better. I knew though that he wouldn't. It was a heartache I lived with for months. Now I can say goodbye knowing that I will see him again.
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