A New Beginning-Creating A flower garden out of a dump

I'm feeling a lot better about myself this week. Lord has been good to me. He has continued to provide even when I felt unworthy of his notice. I can breathe and image the beautiful flowers in the garden. I can get excited about exploring new and old sites. It is a new beginning for me. The winter of my soul is quickly vanishing into a glorious spring.

I know there are still obstacles in my way. I can see them in the distance, yet I know the Lord is with me. He is my provider, my healer and my savior. I rejoice in all that he has given me. Yes, there is still some rain....I hear it. I know that the rain washes away the dirt. I need that washing. I need that clean heart. I've made some bad decisions.

I pray that the Lord renews my heart. I feel compelled to reach out to others. I observe everything that is going on.

Will I maintain this freedom of thought? I don't know. It is the "I" that gets me down. It's when I start thinking about myself that I get into trouble. I know this, but it is difficult not to think of yourself. It is the person staring at you in the mirror. You can't get away from him or her.

Positive thoughts create rainbows of change. I want to be an agent of change. So I'll start on this new beginning by learning something new every day.

Long Term Unemployment and How it affects you

Lately I have been struggling with depression. I know why. Even though I do have a job, I still have this feeling that I'm not accomplishing anything. Maybe it's because no one I know feels that what I do is work. Maybe it's because my work is "for hire" and I haven't been able to get myself out there yet. I'm not sure how to shake it. The "blue" feeling covers everything and every situation, even the good ones.

Long term unemployment does rob you of self esteem. You are damaged goods in the eyes of the world. Some times it's quite easy to think about ending it all. You pull away from family and friends because it's too hard to hear their taunting words and to see their accusing stares. They don't understand. It has been too long since you've heard an encouraging word. Everyone tells you that you should just "take anything"....that having a job is better than what you're going through now. They are not listening. You have to admit that you stopped listening too.

It's almost like being stuck in a big bowl of taffy, unable to get free and suffocating from the pressures well meaning people put you under on a daily basis. I have to admit if I let myself dwell on my current situation that I'd just as soon end it all. I can't do that. It just wouldn't be right, but I can understand the temptation to do it. It is very real.

The only resolution to this is to have full time employment that fills my need and supports me. I'm still searching for that now....as I remember what someone said..."endure or die." Yes, I may just die...but it will be on God's time...not mine.

Reflection and Release-A Story of Contrasts

Yup....This picture again...I keep coming back to reflecting on all that has transpired with me over the past year. I've had some unpleasant physical changes and mental changes. I've learned that I can't depend on some people. I wanted to scream at times feeling that no one understood.

I know that I can be unfeeling at times too. At least some have said that to me. It's hard not to come off that way. You have to sometimes be blunt and not keep covering things up. It does no good to say that "everything is going to be fine" or that you shouldn't worry about a diagnosis that someone you care for has received. It is foolish to deny that certain things can happen and pretend that things are good when they are not. I'm learning to release my pain and worry. I'm learning to ignore the negative news and the catty way people react to my words. I have reflected on my words. I know that the truth of them stings. People don't like hearing negative stuff or admitting that things are really not going that well. I know that I've been in denial for a long time.

Yes, I have been blunt...but I'm realizing now that it is helping me to focus oddly enough on the issues that have been brought to my attention. I am stepping away from family activities for a little while. I know that I'm not wanted....frankly I'm surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. I know they all pity me. They shouldn't....because I'm rejoicing that I am the way that I am. I can see things clearer than they can. It is not boastful to say this. The Lord has given me new eyes. I am not stuck as they seem to be...in the morass of the world.

I can release them to the world. I need to release the worries about them as well. This is difficult in my own power. I have to release them to God and let him work in their lives. They may think that I don't know God. They may deny that he has any control over my life. I know he does.

Participation and Support-How it all comes together.

It is funny when you start thinking about how you participate in different areas of life. You know that sometimes life can throw you a little curveball. The way you handle those curveballs shows how you handle life...so they say. I am admittedly a history buff. I like the hands-on tours of how things are done. The process of archiving fascinates me.

I admire people that can see pictures and do the research to put family histories together. It is definitely an art form. I appreciate the support I receive from others as I learn to let go of different facets of the organization. I know that I have been burned before by letting others take too much of the responsibility. I need their support. I understand that I have to let everyone participate in any way they can. I have to use the talents they have and combine them in such a way that it creates a beautiful picture of cooperation.

It is beautiful when everything comes together. I do rejoice to see it. There is hope and joy in seeing everyone working together on a project. I hope to make my vision a reality.

Feeling Alienated and Out of Touch

I'm reminded once again how out of touch I am when I look at this picture. Beautifully desolate with the sun streaming on an overcast sky, it is funny how people can kick you when you least expect it. To be honest, maybe I was expecting it. I never learned the lesson to be tactful in my dealings. I should have known that the feeling of alienation would continue indefinitely.

I learn daily that I do have to trust the Lord in all things. I try to do something in my own power and fall flat on my face every time. I do have to question why I've alienated half of my family, but they don't understand the daily struggles I am under either. Do I go to the next family gathering? I wonder...I know a lot of you struggle this way too. Words you meant to say get twisted somehow and you wonder if it's worth it to reconcile. I know this happened before with other members of my family...We haven't talked to each other in years. It seems simplier to let "sleeping dogs lie" than to try to explain things.

Yes, I admit I lack tact and sometimes am a bit blunt with my words. Yes, it does hurt when your words come back to haunt you....but they needed to be said. Yes, some may think that I'm bitter. I'm not....blunt but not bitter. If I say something to you, I try my hardest to temper it... I don't always succeed. It is funny. Right now I'm feeling the same anger that I felt before....You know the kind. You probably experienced it once or twice yourself. You want to scream, but you fear no one will hear you.

Do I want to do the easy thing and just give excuses not to come to a family gathering? Yes, I admit that. It would be very easy just to say "I don't want to go" and bow out. I know this is not the road I'm meant to take. I need to take the high road. I need to forgive those who maligned me in e-mails and on-line knowing that they probably thought they were doing right by me. I need to admit that my words, even though true, hurt....and learn to be more tactful. I need to thank God for the hard lessons I'm learning and not go back to the warm shell I put myself in.

Being Thankful for The Little Things

Yes, I'm learning this lesson now. I know that I am thankful that there is still enough money to afford to have Internet connections at home. I know that I am thankful that my health is relatively good. I am thankful for food on the table, a home to live in and heat.

I am grateful for friends and family who support me. It has been difficult to change the schedule I've had for the past two and half years, but it had to be done. I am now in the midst of searching for on-line jobs that I can do working from home. It has been quite an adjustment for me to finally admit that there are no regular jobs for me anymore. Employers are not willing to take their chance on someone like me. I'm a risk to them and there are too many others that are willing and capable of doing the jobs I'm capable of doing.

I can be thankful that I do have my writing to fall back on...and I have been making some money at it. I just wish for that 9 to 5 Monday to Friday job I used to have....sigh! Yes, I do have more freedom now to tackle the history project I've assigned myself to do....because I feel it's important that young people know about their local history before it all disappears.

I guess I'm stressed because I know that I will owe taxes this year...and am not sure I'll be able to pay them. I wonder how many are in my situation....it could be a lot....another sigh....

I can be thankful for our police and fire departments who keep us safe...for water and electricity...Yes, I can be thankful for all that.

The one thing I'm most thankful for though is God's saving grace.

Trying To Make My Way In The New Year

It has been really hard for me to adapt to not having public transportation to rely on. My money ran out for this expense in December and I had to cut the expense. I am trying to make it a little easier for myself by going on long walks every day at lunch. It helps. The strain of trying to find viable employment has drained me. I admit that readily.

I still don't know how the employment situation will go for me. I'm not all that technically literate. Sometimes I feel lost with all the new technology. I realize that a lot of it has replaced people like myself who used to do the work that is now done by computer.

It is nice not to have to struggle into work when its snowing or bitterly cold out. Nowadays a lot of work can be done by computer remotely without much interaction. I do miss that interaction though. I fear that the younger generation will have no access to the physical world around them. I know what my priority has to be this year. I have to raise awareness of the connections there are between the young and their local historical resources. It won't be an easy task.