Now the Questions Begin-Fighting for Relevancy

I did it. I put the packet in the mail and got a call from the welfare office. I knew that they were going to have to get me to justify the reasons why I needed the benefits. I was prepared to answer as best I could, but it still felt uncomfortable. I felt that I had to fight for relevancy.

I'm frustrated and tired. I do feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. Yes, I am employed. Yes, I am not making enough to support myself. No, I haven't had a "real" job for a while. No, I can't justify my existence...(well maybe not that question...but it does feel like being racked over the coals) It should be easy. Yet I still feel guilty for even asking for help now. I should have a job.

I don't want to be in this position. Who does? Why would anyone want to grovel and beg for assistance? I want to be able to sustain myself and my family. I don't like having to justify my existence.

Yet I can see some light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I keep telling myself that this is only temporary. I will have something soon that will support me. I must keep pushing and knocking on doors to get the word out. I know that I have to do what I can.

Will something happen soon? I don't honestly know. The questions still remain. How do we remain relevant in a world that has increasingly gone blind to community? What must we do to make the younger generation aware of their heritage? Is there some way we can make some revenue off honest and clean entertainment? I don't know. I just know I can't get involved in games of chance or condone the drinking.

So what do I do? Oh, Lord....I just don't know. I need your help.

Going on Welfare: This is only temporary

Yup, you read the title right. I picked up the paperwork today and will fill it out tomorrow. I have no choice. I'm running on "fumes" now with no job prospects in sight. I can console myself that this is only temporary and that I've done the best that I could to keep out of it. I just don't see any way that I can avoid this necessary step. My recent bout with a bug that I'm really still getting over has convinced me that I need to go on welfare.

Anyone who knows me knows that this decision hasn't come lightly. I have fought the good fight, scoured the job boards and talked to people I know about my situation. I'm not even sure that I'll be accepted for welfare, but I do know that I need it now.

I know that the job interviews I had didn't pan out because I just don't have what they need. I've been out of the job market for too long, except for my work with the society and my writing. It is hard to admit that I failed so miserably in finding work. Going on welfare doesn't mean that I'm giving up looking for work....It is a requirement to receive benefits to at least show you're trying.

I can only speculate what happened to get me in the financial bind that I'm in now. I can be thankful for support from my family and my friends. I know that they are in some ways facing the same financial crisis that I am. I don't come from a rich family. We struggled at times to make ends meet. I know that the Lord provides for me. That's why I know that I need to do this for my sake and for my family's sake.

It is the right thing to do. I have to keep telling myself that. I do feel guilty to even ask. I am for the most part able-bodied, yet there are certain jobs I just can't do. I can't lift 25 pounds easily. I don't work well at night. I need to find a daytime job....one that allows me to grow...yet I know that I am at the point where I just need to accept anything as long as it pays money.

Sometimes I just want to ask God why....but then I realize that I wouldn't have met any of the people that I've met in the past almost four years if I'd been employed in a regular job. I wouldn't have had any of these great ideas or been a sounding board for others who are struggling as I am to understand why things have gotten so bad.

Feeling Determined To Find Something

If you have been reading and following this blog for a while, you have a glimpse of my current financial situation. You understand that I am only one of many who are finding themselves adrift in a sea of broken dreams. I am, however, feeling determined to find something within the next two weeks. I already had three interviews in the past three weeks...which it actually more than I've had in the past three years.

I am telling everyone that I'm a freelance writer. I am telling everyone that I'm not giving up on looking for sustainable work. I'll do that even if I have to apply for welfare. I am determined not to stay in this state. I will utilize (if I get it) welfare as a last resort. I am determined to find that steady income stream. I know that my work as a freelance writer is not steady.

I need that steady income stream. At this point in time, I may be forced to do some things that I'm not really capable of doing. I try not to think of what this means. I just have to do what I need to do.

I pray daily for direction from the Lord. I know that he controls my destiny. He knows my situation and he is going to work things out for the good. I have to believe this or go crazy. Will he rain down blessings on me? I don't know. I hate to think of the alternatives.

I know that I need to stop "stressing out"....and start praying for a miracle. God has a good plan for me. Sometimes though it is so hard to believe this. I look at my dwindling bank account and I want to weep. I hear the unspoken words of those who depend on my support, knowing that I'm just going to have to tell them that I can't do it for a little while.

I ask myself the questions that have tortured me over this long period of underemployment. Am I good enough to get noticed? Can I do the hard work needed to promote myself? Will anyone pay me to do work for them? Where will I find enough money to support myself and my family now?

I am determined to find something rather quickly. I have two weeks...actually less than two weeks before the "bottom" drops out. If you think of me at all....would you please pray that I find a job in the next two weeks...I don't want to be homeless.

Desperate but still holding on

Yes, I do see some faint light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. Things are starting to open up, but I am still desperate. Three weeks more and I'll just have to "bite the bullet" and succumb to government pressure. You might be saying right now that I should give up now. Tempting as that is, I can't...not yet.

Only the Lord knows what will happen. I know this. I can't sleep at night though worrying about my appending financial ruin. It's very hard for me. I can't seem to get the support I need to pull myself out of this deep dark financial pit.

Yes, it is at the lowest depth that we see God clearly. I can honestly say that I don't regret this time of unemployment and extreme underemployment. I met a lot of nice people who are also struggling. I've been able for short periods of time take my eyes off my rapidly deteriorating situation. I discover some new purposes in life as well. Unfortunately I seem to be dragging back to the slime pit I build for myself over the past four years.

Sometimes it just doesn't seem that long since I had steady employment and money coming in. Yet it has been. Do I regret not staying with that corporation? No. I can honestly say that I don't regret it. I wasn't treated right there, and I needed to leave.

I can't speculate what would have happened if I decided to let the corporation degrade me and take a paycut while working as a virtual slave. Some might say that I deserved being treated that way. I took the high ground though and they respected that. Could I have done things better? Again...I just can't speculate. I just have to leave things as they are, knowing that I've learned some valuable lessons.

Yes, I am desperate...but I am still holding on....and hoping for a miracle. God knows I need one right now.