Feeling Lost and Down-Election Blues

I'm feeling lost. It's not surprising that I should feel this way. Both sides of the election are painting grim pictures of the other side. I don't know where to turn. It is hard to listen to all the garbage that is being put out there.

I can't decide. I'm being made to feel like a pariah for my indecision. I understand the importance of this election. I do. I've been living with the consequences of eight years of bad government and the turning away from God. I've been threatened because of my strong faith in God. I know that part of the reason why I'm still in this situation is because the government has turned its collective back on God and has embraced the sins of homosexuality and depravity.

I am glad that I don't have kids. I see the struggles they have and know that their rights are being systematically destroyed by those who dictate what they see, read and hear. Some of my contemporaries say that this "caged bird" syndrome is all young people know. They are trapped in an electronic prison unable and unwilling to make choices on their own.

I'm feeling blue about all the violence, backbiting and downright lies that are swirling around in the air because of this election. At times I do fear that there will be a revolution. I often wonder if this is how they felt in the 1760s when the British tried to strictly govern them. They didn't have a voice then. We don't realize just how lucky we are to have that voice. Yet I fear that it is being taken away. I am concerned about the "body count" attributed to Clinton. It just doesn't make any sense.

I have to keep reminding myself daily that God is in control.

Don't Know How To Feel-Just Hanging On

Things are starting to gel a little bit from last week. I am feeling a bit better about what's going on. I still don't know how to feel about what I heard about the library last week. I am just hanging on to hope.

I know our country is in bad shape. I understand the hate that swirls around each candidate like a wreath. I want to do something but I'm not sure what that is. I embrace the little bits of joy that filter through the darkness. I keep my head up striving for mastery. Will I survive this "train wreck" of an election? Who knows?

All I know for sure is that God is in control. I saw him in the wreckage of an old historical church on Saturday. His form remained pure when all around him there was broken glass.

The pressure is tremendous to cast a vote. They tell you that if you don't that you're throwing it all away. I don't know how to feel about that. I feel that obligation and duty to vote. Yet there is no one I feel good about voting for. I am just hanging on hoping for a ray of light to penetrate this darkness.

I stand fast against the darkness. I do see a tiny bit of light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I feel hopeful about the direction I'm taking here. God will bless me. He has blessed me with so many opportunities to serve him. I'm grateful to be alive.

Lord will guide me. I just have to trust him.

Bogged Down and Stressed Out-Fighting Fears

Another strange title but it is how I'm feeling right now as I unsuccessfully tried to promote a baking contest. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't have the right contacts that would be enthused enough to promote it. I just don't know what I was thinking when I proposed it.

I am feeling bogged down by all the responsibilities that have been laid at my feet. I am stressed out by trying to make myself heard. I am fighting fears and feeling sick over the devastation and future devastation from Hurricane Matthew.

I know I'm not alone. Even though sometimes it feels that way. I have been going through a lot lately. The latest shock was what the Collingdale library plans to do with all their non-fiction and reference books. I just felt sick. Why? Why would you throw away 22,000 books!!!! It is so crazy that I still have difficulty wrapping my mind around it.

Yes, it does seem like the government is trying to get rid of history this way. Throwing away old and relevant books and expecting everyone to rely on the Internet for information is crazy. I do admittedly take information from the Internet for my work. Yet I would love to have the opportunity to check out some old reference books to confirm my information. It's getting too hard now. They don't want to you to know the truth.

I am bogged down by the weight of oppression. When will it all end? My dad keeps hoping that Jesus will come soon. I do too. This world is not mine own.

Feeling Worn but Pressing On

I came back from two meetings today. I did get some practical information but not geared toward the smaller organizations at the first meeting. I do feel I can use it to some degree. Since I'm not part of a big organization and really don't have the support I need to make things happen, I am feeling worn.

The second meeting was promising. Things are starting to move forward but it is hard when no one seems to show up. It is especially hard when you start depending on these people. I am pressing on and praying for the clouds to break over the obstacles that stand in our way.

I am encouraged to learn that the possibility of some action on one of the old buildings in Darby has increased. Understandably it is frustrating that things are moving so slowly and there is still a possibility of losing everything. I do pray that there is a change in attitude and eyes are open to the possibilities and potential Darby has.

The way things are now it doesn't look like things will change. I have to keep pressing on and encouraging others to press on as well. We need to find some motivation to get these kids off the street at night and into productive jobs. How do you do that? I haven't quite figured that out.

Then there is the increasing pressure and a deadline looming to find sustainable employment by January. I really should find something before then because my funds will be completely dry...:-( by then if not sooner.

I found a new (old) church to go to as my old church has radically changed their direction. I noticed it early last year...but stuck with them then. I did miss some of the activities and hated the change to a newer version of the bible. I found myself questioning what they were saying.  I didn't want to believe it at first. I stuck with them while they celebrated their 100th anniversary last year. I then mourned as more changes took place. Finally I decided that I had enough. I couldn't in good conscience continue on with that church. The changes they implemented starting two weeks ago were just too radical for me. It was time for me to move on.

Overwhelmed and Stressed Out

I know that it's been a couple of weeks since I've written this blog. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by everything right now. It's not easy to push for ads. You get some rejection. You get questions. Am I making the right decisions?

I know that my parents are saints to put up with me. I am stressed out because I just can't seem to find enough time to do what I need to do. It's not easy to put yourself out there. You get rejected. You have questions. Did I do the right thing by writing those letters?

I know that there is a need out there. I am sure that there is someone out there that needs my services. Yet I can't seem to make the right connections. It's not easy to be patient when you're low on funds. You want answers. Should I be pressing and pushy to get those leads?

I am stressed out because I need funds to produce this booklet and banner. Oh, Lord...please help me to see that people do care about their community and want to promote their businesses and organizations.

The Old Bait & Switch

Hi, have you ever gone on a job interview only to find out that the job you were interviewing for wasn't the one that you applied for? Yup, it just happened to me. Here I was excited with the opportunity of finally working when I got the rug literally pulled out in front of me. I appreciated the interest, but I hadn't really applied for that type of position. It wasn't something I was comfortable with doing again.

Frankly I have to admit that I was expecting something else. I did resign myself to taking the position for a couple of seconds. Yes, it was tempting to just keep my mouth shut and accept it. Something nagged at me. I knew that if I succumbed to the pressure and accepted it, I wouldn't be happy. You might be saying right now..."Oh, take the "damn" job already!" I couldn't and be honest with them and myself.

It did get me thinking that if they could do that from the very beginning, then there is no telling what they might do once I've settled into the position. I'm looking for stability. I'm looking for a position where I feel I can make a difference. I don't like the feeling of being "toyed with" and put in a compromising position. I felt that I had to be honest.

No one likes the old bait and switch tactics when they want to buy something. It's not good for business and it's not good for life. I do have another interview, not with the same company, tomorrow. I'm hoping for better results.

Rays of Hope-Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm feeling a lot better about myself this week. Things are starting to turn around for me on the job front. I'm feeling hopeful and needed. It's a good feeling...one that I hadn't felt for a little while. I don't want to jinx it though. Something can always happen.

Lord knows my needs. He grants my desires. I don't want to go back to the way I was before my eyes were opened to the world around me. I know that I was selfish and self serving in many ways. I am learning that I need to open up and reach out to others. Keeping stuff bottled up inside isn't good.

I do see some light at the end of this tunnel. I am praying that I do get the position with this company. They seem really friendly and willing to go out on a limb for someone like me. I would owe them some loyalty for their efforts.

Lord knows I need some good news. He is providing for my needs and for my family's needs. Thank you, Lord. I know that I don't deserve your love, yet you give it to me freely. Help me to be the person you want me to be.