Rejoicing and Letting Go

I had a relatively good week. I started on a project, had another project thrust upon me and continued the ongoing search for meaningful work. My family did bless me by allowing me some time to reflect on where I was going. I know now that I do have to stop some habits that were dragging me down. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I can rejoice that I'm in relatively good health. I can stop focusing on what's wrong with my life. I can let go of the anxiety that has been my constant companion for far too long.

I know God loves me. I know that he does have a plan for this phase of my life. I can let go of the doubts and fears that drag me down. I can rejoice that I will be well provided for and trust that God will guide me. It hasn't been easy for me to let go. The old demons that tell you that you're stuck in the pit of poverty and despair have been trying to drag me down. It is hard to see past the circumstances that led me here struggling to break free.

I am excited about the projects, hoping that something good will come out of them. I can't let fear dominate me anymore. There will be some things that I feel I'm not capable of doing. I have to face them head on, and press forward. Yes, it will be scary. Public speaking is not my "cup of tea" but I will do it. I just have to set my mind to do it. I can rejoice that the message will get through and let go of my doubts. The Lord knows what I need.

Beginning A New Life: Stepping Out into the Unknown

I took the week off last week to prepare myself for the changes that would soon take place. I wanted to reflect on what I've done in the past. I also wanted to understand what tools I had in the present to prepare for the future. This beginning isn't going to be easy. I'm going to have to relearn somethings, let go off other things and step out into the unknown.

All the signs are there. I know I have to stop sitting on this fence waiting for stuff to happen. This new life is a bit scary. I admit that I do sometimes hate change. I like having some control. Yet right now I'm realizing that I never really had any control. The things that have happened and are happening in my life now are because God ordained them to be. I sometimes get so tense and stubborn about things that I can't see anything.

This chapter of my life can be exciting as I reach out to learn new stuff. I don't have to let people label me as too old to do stuff. I am going to stop making excuses that I can't do this or that. I know my body is changing. I know that the world is running scared. I can't let the world rule me. I have to let God rule me.

I'm not sure what my next steps will be. I do question whether I should go back to school again or avail myself of the free courses available online. What will I study? There is just so much information out there! My head is spinning with the possibilities. I sometimes feel frozen wondering why I still can't focus on what I want out of life.

I step out into the unknown feeling a bit queasy inside. It has been a long time since I stretched myself this way. I think I've been afraid to do much. It has been way too easy to dismiss the new life I'm now living here. There will be some adjustments. It is all a beginning.

Transforming Ourselves For A New Life

It has only been since my parents died last year that I've had to change my whole outlook on life. I was no longer a caregiver as I had been since 2012 in some form. I no longer had to worry about what my parents may think of what I was doing and why. I realized a lot of things that I depended on were now gone too. It was and in some ways still is a scary time.

This transformation of myself takes time. I don't have all the answers about what's going to happen to me in the long term. That may be a good thing. We were never meant to stress ourselves out over the future. Yes, admittedly I still struggle with the feeling of loss. I guess I may never get over it completely. I struggle to fit into this new life that I've been thrust into through the death of my parents. I've had to learn slowly to create a new pattern and find a new direction.

Some days it just feels overwhelming. New technological breakthroughs are happening too quickly for me to grasp. Employers seem to expect too much or not enough. I am fighting my way through the morass trying to find a foothold. It isn't easy.

Transformation takes time. No one wants to acknowledge this fact. It doesn't happen in a second. It doesn't happen automatically. It can't be forced. Yes, it can happen and be beautiful when it happens.

What will that new life be like? I often wonder. I see the ugliness now of this world that seemingly grows worse by the day. Is this transforming power something to be grasped? I don't know. I only recall vaguely that unless we die to our old selves we can't live. It is a continuing process I understand. We are transformed daily, either through the sordid junk that we surround ourselves with or through the pure words of God's written word.

We have lost something precious in the past forty years. Growing up in the "me" culture where traditional worship has gone by the wayside I really didn't realize what was missing. I now have an inkling. I can see the loss of stability as clear as day.

The older generations understand this loss better than we do. They were solidly taught the morals and standards that guided this nation from the beginning. We weren't because some of our parents rebelled against those morals and standards. We are the byproduct of their rebellious ways. I do see some glimmers of hope in this current generation. They see what has happened to us. Some have come to embrace the old morals that have been uncovered. They find that there is no going back or moving forward.

Reflections of America: Fighting Through The Storms

We just commemorated the sacrifices of our soldiers, airmen, and sailors that died for the cause of freedom. Memorial Day is a day set aside to reflect on the state of the union. I realize that we are the midst of a storm that has been brewing for years. America has been always been a nation that has fought for freedom. We think about how our freedoms aren't free.

The state of the union is unsettled today. There are forces at work here that are threatening to tear the country apart. We are currently fighting through the storms of adversity. Globalism and socialism wear out the moral fabric of society.

We seem to have forgotten why these sacrifices were made. America is the Land of the Free and the home of the Brave. The sacrifices weren't in vain. They sacrificed so we could live in a free country. The increasing pressure from the socialists would have you believe that those sacrifices were in vain. They would have you believe that if you allow the government to dictate your every move you'll be free. It is foolish and dangerous. Nothing is free. Big government and massive regulations have sucked the lifeblood out of this country. I don't want to live in a country that curtails my freedoms. This movement will do just that.

Learning From The Past, Peering Into The Future

This past week I've had the opportunity to explore two historic sites in my hometown. The first impressions of the sites were that parts were very run down. There were spots that looked bad at first. It was only when I was made to see the potential that I could really see the good. I discovered beautiful wallpaper, elegant wood paneling, and a solid cement structure. I also saw a unique fire door that separated one building from another one.

It was fascinating to discover even in the vacant classrooms a sense of all the children that passed through the hallways. It was nice to see the old cloakrooms right beside the classrooms looking as they must have looked when children hung up their coats. I learned that the school had 100 kids in each classroom. That information wowed me as I contemplated how the teachers must have ruled the school. There had to be some discipline with that many kids. When I look at how schools are today, I do wonder what happened. If you had that many kids in one classroom today, it would be chaos.

The convent I visited also interested me. It wasn't as run down as the school but still had some issues. I liked the small chapel and the meeting rooms. I can imagine some good uses for the building. I imagine a meeting area that is bigger than the current one over at the borough hall. I imagine a place for workshops and other events.

There is a lot to learn from the past. Respect for the community is one lesson that sadly gone by the wayside. It was taught at the schools and took the form of pride. Yet I don't see that nowadays. When I peer into the future I see a bland robotic state. There is no sense of accomplishment here. The statues and memories of yesterday are being torn down and forgotten. No one wants to remember any more. I guess that is why I cling so much to the past. I want people to know and understand their past so they can move confidently into the future.

Looking for a Ray of Hope and a Sense of Purpose

If you have been following this blog for a little while you probably know of my struggle. It is hard to keep moving when it seems that everything is going south. I have tried time and time again to hang onto that ray of hope. You know that it is increasingly more difficult to find the good in all the rubbage that is flying around. I would justify myself for the trapped feeling I have whenever I try to find some purpose in my life.

The Lord knows my struggle. I know that he is in control but sometimes it is very hard. I look diligently trying to see outside my own little world. I know that I don't want to go back to what I was, a very selfish and self-centered person. Yet this world's message keeps hammering away. It tells me that I shouldn't be thinking of others, but have the mentality of "me first." It also keeps telling me that I'm too old and too run down. I sometimes feel myself agreeing with that statement. I do feel like I'm being torn in two balancing between two different worlds.

I do have to remind myself that I am created in God's image. I am his daughter. He has me in the palm of his loving hand. Jesus has overcome the world. I was created for his glory, not my own glory.

Yet I am still so selfish. I have difficulty saying things and struggle for the right words. I selfishly want that feeling of doing something meaningful and name worthy. I know it is a struggle we all face. We don't like to admit it. We shy away from it. We may even reject it outright by trying unsuccessfully to be pious. I have to be honest. Yes, I sometimes love attention. I like being the center of attention too.

It is hard when you feel the walls closing in on you. You wonder if you really actually belong anywhere. You do. God has placed you where you are for a reason. You do have a purpose in life. Keep looking for that ray of hope as it dawns. Stop struggling with stuff you can't understand. Thank the Lord for each day.

Growing Pains: The Church in Transition

It was rumored that another huge change was coming four months ago. The relatively new pastor at the church I regularly attend made a very strong suggestion to combine the two Sunday morning services. The church had made a radical change about ten years earlier to split the traditional Sunday service into a contemporary service and a traditional service. The contemporary service would serve the needs of those who felt they weren't being served by the traditional service. In other words, they were bored out of their minds and rebellious. I don't blame them, but it did create some issues that weren't present before. The contemporary service relaxed the discipline and morals that the traditional service enforced. It allowed for more freedom to worship whatever way a person wanted to worship. It deluded the message considerably.

The traditionalists, at first, weren't happy about the change. They saw what was happening to the church and the message. Some balked and left the church to find another church that still had traditional services. Others stuck it out, figuring that they should embrace the new ways of reaching others for Christ. They liked the fact that there was still room for them at the church. They also liked the fact that they could still stick to the traditional service at the traditional time. Unfortunately, church leadership noticed that traditional service attendance was declining a few years ago. There were still people attending this service but many were senior citizens set in their ways. The traditionalists, in other words, were dying and no one was replacing them. The young with a few exceptions were being steered away from the traditional services with their authoritative settings and serious tones. It isn't surprising. The moral decay of the outside world is affecting the church in a big way.

It was decided about two years ago due to the decline in church attendance to change things up. For the first time in the church's history, the traditional service time would change from 11 am to 11:30 am. The contemporary service would move to 9 am with the Sunday School hour in between. It worked but once the new pastor came on board, he wanted to change it once again. He couldn't do it that first year as he was still getting settled in his new position. It wasn't until he served two years that he decided on some more radical changes.

The changes included forcing people to "shepherding" groups designed to make people embrace new theologies and break barriers. It also included the elimination of some old habits that were hampering the church's growth. Some changes were good. The church really does need to reach out to the community more. This huge change, however, will alienate the remaining traditionalists by flipping the church service to an earlier time and creating a forced social time between church and Sunday School.