Trying to stay afloat in an increasingly hostile world

There are little signs that things are starting to look up. Yet it is hard. The pressure I'm feeling now from all sides is enough for me to want to completely shut down. The world isn't what it was when I was young. Back then there wasn't as much stress. At least it didn't seem that way. I didn't worry about whether or not I'd be able to keep my house or have enough to eat. I didn't worry that my personal information would be assimilated all over the Internet for everyone to see and steal. I didn't worry about being alone with increasingly fragile people that need my support now.

I am trying to stay afloat. That isn't easy. Everyone wants to take you down to their level. They tell you that things will only get worse, and that you can't depend on anyone else. They don't know God. In their eyes, he doesn't exist. You can't tell them that he's there, because they can't see him. They are increasingly hostile to those who try to bring light into the darkness. They love the darkness, even when they are complaining about things that don't matter.

I do trust the Lord. I know that he is working through me. I know that he is leading me through some dark passages now. My eyes are open, but it is hard. My heart hurts when I see all the stuff that is happening to those around me. I feel helpless. Yet I do know he sees and hears everything.

He knows my daily struggle to lean on him, and not on my own understanding. I know that I must be strong and courageous, but I would love someone to come along side me...and tell me that I'm on the right path.

Does anyone care about history?

Low attendance at the last four meetings has me a bit concerned. It's nice when all you want to do is socialize. It's not so nice when you want to do more. I don't know what to do. I know my concerns are legitimate. Unfortunately I can't seem to get enough people interested. Some say that it's the steadily deteriorating enviromment that we now live in. My hometown now has a bad reputation. Some would even say that it has become part of the the big city 3 miles away....just as urban and as dangerous. Others point to the fact that the citizens that used to live here are now either dead or have "flown" to greener pastures.

What does history tell us about these small towns? History tells us that they were once viable and growing. It also tells us that people once took pride in their towns. There are those of us who heard the stories and want to see that growth again. How do we get past the indifference that most exhibit towards these small towns? I don't know that either.

Only the Lord knows whether or not we'll last the year or not. First years are often the hardest. You hit rough waters with people unwilling or unable to participate. There is only so much you can do on your own. If God isn't in it, you will definitely fail....and that's a fact.

Why can't people learn that lesson? Why does every generation end up making the same mistakes over and over? How is it possible that history is doomed to repeat itself?

I know people refuse to listen to God...They would rather listen to their fears.

Yes, I am a quitter.

You're probably thinking "Wow! what a statement to make!" Yet, admitting that sometimes the best thing for everyone is to quit is often the hardest thing to do. You want to justify yourself. Beat yourself up. Ask yourself why you did it. I've done all that this past week. The only explanation is that I couldn't continue with the sham. I felt like I was lying to the person on the other end of the line...and I was. I was also lying to myself, telling myself that I could do it...when I knew I couldn't.

Yes, I know that some drill in your head that you shouldn't quit. I believe that circumstances dictate this action. You need to weigh the good and the bad before leaping. You can't just quit on a whim. It may have seemed that way to my employer. I did give them that impression when I wrote that "I was not suited for the position." I wanted to say more, and maybe I should have said more. I was stuck. I didn't want to badmouth them for their strict work environment. Some people thrive in such an environment. I don't. I didn't want to complain about the barriers put in my way which irritated me.

I have been giving serious thought to contracting out my services....ie: putting myself out for both admin and document management services. It does seem that I'm not going to get the experience most employers are clamoring for if I continue on this road. Then there the sad fact that the government is in the same quandary that I'm in....trying to decide to go the easy, unmoral way or take a stand for morality.

Seeing past the clouds and trying to reach for the light

Two weeks and counting...no money coming in yet. I really hate this job. Yet I can now see from the people around me that they are making the best out of a bad situation. You really have to see past the clouds of adversity to know what's really happening. Sometimes though this is hard to do. You have to take a deep breath, hold it and let it out slowly...then and only then does the sky above clear.

I remember my brother's wedding day vividly. It was a beautiful clear fall day....a bit warm...but not hot...just like today. He just celebrated his 8th wedding anniversary today. They are facing some clouds in their horizon now. Money just got tighter for them. Being still relatively young, the light will shine quicker for them. Old eyes dim too quickly. Old hands struggle to reach the light.

I am feeling my age today. My eyes have been acting up, and I attribute that to the long hours I spend staring at the computer screen. It really can't be good for me...yet my job seems to require me to do so. Just like the government now seems to require you to literally "splash" your most intimate personal information all over the Internet! Gosh....what is the world coming to? I don't want the government to have my personal information and I especially don't want them nosing in and telling me what I can and can't do with my own body!

I am surprised that so many people are embracing this. I have to ask myself why...Why do you want the government to know everything about you? Isn't it enough that they know how much you make, where you work and the color of your hair and eyes? Do they really need to know about your body and what doctors and hospitals you use?

I am trying to see past these clouds of government dictatorship and control. It's very hard. Lord knows that it is in his plan. I don't understand it now....this soon coming together of the world's resources....and the eventual rise of what the Bible says is the Anti-Christ. He is, I suppose, my contemporary...and is even now prepping to take over the world. I feel his time is very soon. So, I must urge you to reach for the light now. Time is growing short.....

Feeling drained but happy

I had a very successful event Saturday which left me drained but happy. When I first thought of having a history day, I didn't realize how much work it would entail. I was also hoping for more people to step up and volunteer. No one did. I shouldn't have been surprised at it. I know I am not one to volunteer for anything. I have to be asked to do it. Yet I can be happy that I had the right people helping me. Lisa was amazing. Sometimes I wish I had her energy.

I also started what I'm calling a desperation job on Monday. All of us have them. Those are the jobs you take when there is nothing else out there that you feel you are qualified to do. I hate phone work, yet this is the very thing I'm doing. I need the money, even though it is about a dollar less than I was making at Kelly Services in 2003. I keep praying a job that will pay me what I need to make to support myself and my family will open up soon. I'd love to have an office job....9 to 5...Monday through Friday. People tell me that it's not possible anymore...that people are working all hours of the day and night.

I'm not feeling up to going back tomorrow. I know I must. My present situation is too precarious for me not to go in and earn that money.

Preparing for greatness and living for the Lord

It's funny sometimes when you think that everything is coming up roses, only to find that you've been looking at the wrong flower pot. As some of you may know, I'm a student of history. I like to find out new things about people, places and things that have been around for a while. In some sense, it is almost like preparing for greatness or discovering a whole new world that you never knew existed. It's also funny when your enemies are extremely interested in what you're attempting to do for your community, only to find out the only reason they're extremely interested is that they long to find something on you that they can press. I know in my case, it is because of my stand in regards to sexual immorality. I've made myself pretty clear that it's unacceptable to me and I won't tolerate it.

Yes, I admit that this is a very unpopular stance...but if I'm living for the Lord instead of me...then I need to take it. I don't want people to think that I'm cold. I do pity those who are even now falling prey to the lies that swarm around them like bees to honey. They have no moral compass.

I guess that is why I emphasize the church so much...because they are supposed to be the beacons in a dying world. It is the churches that hold out their hands to those who are suffering. It is also the churches where there are true believers that suffer for their faith.

I think we all need to prepare for greatness and reach out. Only when they see us living the life the Lord wants us to live for him, will they really see the truth.

I should be happy that I now can look forward to a paycheck

Yes, that's right the long stretch of unemployment is finally over! I got a job. You think I should be dancing in the aisles, but I'm not. The thing is I settled for something that I'm not really that good at so I could have money coming in. Yet I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing to cave in. She did call me just when I knew I needed money coming in. A lot of it is just nerves. I do feel like I am selling myself short. That's not the way you're supposed to feel...is it?

Even my father is getting into the act now....telling me how he failed at a similar job...sigh. I am grateful for this opportunity. I still have the feeling that something big is going to happen...that someone will notice my work with the historical society and what I'm attempting to do for the young people in my school district and hire me.

It would be nice to be asked to be a program director...maybe...at least $40,000 a year with benefits....and have the satisfaction that I'm helping a whole generation of young people discover their past and connect with the future. Is it a dream of mine? Yes, I have to admit that it is now. I couldn't have imagined it even a year ago, but with what I learned from the historical societies and their needs, I believe that the time is ripe for someone to be able to coordinate the efforts of the existing organizations through both new and old technologies and get more young people involved in local history. There is so much to do...and so many fields that history touches...that the possibilities are endless.