All Saints Day

Today is the day to reflect on those who have gone before us. In doing this research and now attempting to write it all down, I'm realizing that there is a lot that I'm missing. I think about the special people that have established a way of life here in this little town that no one knows. I'm finding it hard to find the right words and it's scary.

I know now why they call them "deadlines". It's because you feel like you're going to die before you finish. It is funny. I am slowly but surely putting all my thoughts together in coherent form. I pray constantly now that I will be able to finish it. I know that there is a lot of people depending on me to finish on time. Sometimes it feels as if there is just too much pressure.

I tell myself today that I will put down everything in a rough draft. I can't worry about word structure now. I need to put it all down. My mind wanders again to those saints that have sacrificed all to make sure I have something to remember.

Taking time to pray

How often we rush about worrying about things we can't possibly fix. We try to push ourselves in too many different directions without taking any time to step back and pray. It is funny and scary in a way that we rely too much on ourselves or on the government to fix things. We are fools to think that we can fix what's broken. Maybe there is a reason that things are broken. Maybe we need to reach out to God like we did before.

How can we say that we trust the Lord when we are not willing to let go of those things that are too much for us to handle alone? How can we point fingers when we ourselves can't see what's right in front of us? My heart sometimes sickens when I realize how wrong I've been. I try and struggle to do what I feel is necessary, not realizing that I may be making things worse.

We all need to take time to pray. Once we do, then we will realize that God has us in his hands and he won't let us go.

A typical week or learning to lean on God

I haven't had a typical week for a while now. I had weeks that have taken me to the depths of despair and back to the lofty heights. I had other weeks where I didn't even know where I was going. Usually I complain about the situation I'm currently in, not realizing that in doing so that I'm deserting God. How foolish! I know I have to learn to lean on God more. It's a hard lesson for most of us....some would say it's a Western mindset, but I discount that.

I believe that we all feel that somebody owes us something. We walk around oblivious to the world around us. Who can we blame for our inattention? We rush, and don't stop to look at what we are doing to ourselves and the people around us. I guess that is why I've always had a fascination with time and loved time travel stories. You see in time travel stories the main character has no choice but to stop and look around him or her at the strange new (old) world around him/her.

You have to lean on God. It's impossible to lean on anyone else. I am learning that I can't depend on the people around me, nor can I really depend on myself. I need that anchor even in a typical week.

Viruses and Other scary things

I recently went through what I like to refer to as a scary situation in regards to my computer. I was doing some research on-line for my book project when all of the sudden my computer acted like it had a mind of its own. It closed down, went back up and seemed to laugh at my frustration. I was lucky. I have a "computer whiz" for a little brother who looked at the problem and found the solution.

What I thought was a virus was actually a lesson to be learned. I am still learning it. I am grateful to everyone who listened and calmed my fears. Some would tell me that I was being silly. I needed to step back and take time to listen. Once I did that, the scary things seemed to melt away. I think the hardest thing to do is not let the hard stuff weigh you down.

It is kind of funny. Everyone tells me "Good Luck" when what they are really telling me is that they don't believe I can do it. At least that is what I hear. I have to get past this, focus on the work and tell myself that I can do it. If I don't do it, who will? I can't let my fears of the scary things around me drag me in. I just can't. I have to trust God to work out his plan for my life.

Best Friends

Best friends are always there for you. They listen when you're feeling blue. They build you up and make you feel worthy. I have a best friend, who has been with me since we were little kids. I can vaguely recall the first time we met as 10 year old girls. She was a tomboy....me not so much...but I got my love for nature from her. I remember how we explored the woods near Collingdale Park. We didn't find much there, except for refuse.

Best friends give good advice. They know you better than you know yourself. They are always willing to go to "bat" for you. They are your greatest cheerleader and closest companion. Sometimes you get into fights with them, but they never last long.

I do thank God for my best friend.

Upsetting changes and upheavals

I came back from vacation well rested, only to find that things changed radically while I was gone. It was hard that first week to find my footing. You tell yourself that things will settle down. You try to comfort the people around you. It doesn't work. You drift, dreaming of better days. When will they happen, you ask. You wonder if the upheavals in your personal life are just a reflection of the upsetting changes that are happening all around you. You have to stop. Focus on one thing. Breathe and look around you. Then the upheavals in your life will start to make sense

I can tell my parents are upset. They are understandably worried about what you know who will do next. Will they have their Social Security or will you know who take it away from them? It's all too much to handle. Yes, I'm understandably upset too. I don't want to be out on the street either, as far too many of my fellow citizens are. I see them daily as I walk the streets of the city. Their faces reflect the pain those changes have inflicted on them. I pray daily not to be like them. I don't know if I would be able to handle that big of an upheaval.

I have to remember that the Lord is in control, otherwise I will go completely insane with worry and fear. I need to remember that the future is in God's hands, not in you know who's hands.

Time's promise

Funny when you think about all the times you promised to do this or do that and it never came to pass. You try in your own way not to stress yourself out. Maybe this is why sometimes you feel like screaming. You know you boxed yourself into a corner. You want to please everyone, even though you know you can't. It is scary. You pray that everything will go according to plan. You didn't want to wait in that train station for five hours.

Oh, Lord...it is hard to trust you. It is the best thing to do. If you don't trust God, then life has no meaning for you. You wallow in your own self pity, denying existence. Foolish! When will you see who is in front of you waiting for you to stop kidding yourself! You exist because God placed you here. In you is the promises that time brings to fruition. So buck up, pray without ceasing and trust God that he will do what he promises to do.

Why can't I let go and let God? Why do I struggle so within the confines of time and space? I want to bend it and mold it to my specifications. Fool! Don't you know that only God has that control? Satan and his minions will try, but will not succeed. Praise God for that!