In A Holding Pattern-Seeing the World in A Different Light

This week I have been in a sort of holding pattern. I've done some soul searching about where my life is heading. I know I don't want to go back to the unfeeling and selfish person I was when my parents were alive. I do still have a tendency to act in my own self interest. I also find it difficult to see things in a different light.

I guess that is the reason for the holding pattern. There are some things that I desire. There are some things that I need. Then there are the responsibilities that I have taken on that I've neglected lately. Some may say that I'm still grieving, that I really haven't gotten over the losses. Yes, in some ways I am still grieving, but it is definitely not as strong as it was a year ago.

The thing is that there are so many negative images that are pressing down right now. It makes it hard to move forward. My eyes have been open to seeing the world in a different light. The ugliness of it all stops me in my tracks. I can't seem to move past it.

I know the best thing for me to do is to continue to trust the Lord for all things. Yet so many times my faith wavers to the point where I start doubting the words I read in the Bible. I do have to stop listening to the voices that tell me that I'm doomed or lead me astray from the Lord. It isn't easy.

There are some days when I do feel that the Lord couldn't possibly want me. I feel inadequate and unable to do the tasks set before me. The holding pattern bars me from feeling anything. Yet I have to hope that some day soon everything will make sense, and I'll get out of this holding pattern. That day can't come soon enough.

I see the human desire to grab at the pretty packages only to discover they have turned to dust. The Lord knows I do long to make a difference in someone's life. The feeling that washes over me when I realize that I actually helped someone else is priceless. I do see the world in a different light now that I'm an orphan. I'm learning that I don't have to be alone. If I can share God's love with someone else knowing that they will spread that love to others, well that too is priceless.

The day will come when I will meet Jesus face to face. Right now the thought terrifies and excites me at the same time. It terrifies me because I know that I can't stand and face him by myself. It excites me because I know that I don't have to, that there will be others standing beside him. I know that by myself I falter and fall. When I'm lifted up though surrounded by my fellow believers, I can stand and face Jesus. They will be my testimony of my faithfulness and witness of my devotion to Jesus.

I do look forward to that day. Jesus knows and loves me. He understands my need to be surrounded by those who love me. Then I will definitely see the world in a different light.

Celebrating Life in the midst of a Dark World

Saturday I celebrated the first year of life for a close relative of mine. I marveled at his smile and enjoyed the feeling of his hands in mine. When I look at him I realize that there is hope and future for this dark world. I do pray from him and his big sister. I know that some of the things that we experienced when we were young, they will never know.

I think about the deep roots that my parents instilled in me and my siblings. I know that some of those roots have rubbed off on this younger generation. It is a good feeling to know that this close relative's parents have absorbed the lessons their parents have taught them. You may argue that the influences that their parents had was minimal. You may say that the roots have been torn asunder by the societal influences. I disagree. The words spoken by pastors and teachers over the years have created that deep rooted faith. It is the words that sink in deep. They do have a great impact for good or for evil.

Someday those same words will have a great impact on this life as well. These words of Jesus bring light to the darkness. You can't snuff them out. You can't demean them. They are life.

I celebrate life in the world around me. The darkness of this fallen world will attempt to steal my joy and rob me of my happiness. Yet when I look at the priceless moments that a tiny toddler can bring I realize that I don't have to wallow in the darkness. I can celebrate the life he has given to each one of us.

Soon enough our life will be over. When I think about my legacy, I realize that the only legacy that I want is to be known as a follower of Christ. It isn't easy. Some days it is really hard to believe and follow the One who gave me life. I do. I know that whenever I start to go my own way that I falter and fall. I need his guidance.

I cling to the promises God made in his word. He promises eternal life for all who believe. Yes, I know what you are thinking. "How can that be?" "Doesn't everyone die?" Jesus died to save us and bring us to the Lord God. In John 3:16 we read that "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believed in him should not perish, but have eternal life." In this dark world we only see death and darkness. We can't see the light. Yet we know that there is another world, a heaven above us where there is no darkness at all.

Through Jesus' death and resurrection we are renewed in him. We live through him. Yes, everyone does die, but afterwards we are resurrected to life or to damnation. Once we accept Jesus as our Savior we too can celebrate life in the midst of a dark world.

A Reason to Rejoice and A Reason to Mourn

I've been reflecting a lot about my current situation lately. I realized that I've been unemployed/underemployed for the past eight years. It was eight years ago I was terminated from a job that gave me a steady income, but wasn't steady as far as employment status. In other words, changes in the corporate structure made my continued employment unstable. To be honest the employment status was precarious for a long time before I was actually terminated. Changes happened that I really had no control over. Yes, I admit that I still mourn for the stability that I used to have at the one site. When that site closed, I was left with a unstable environment which I made the best of for about three years.

The society just celebrated their seventh year of existence today.  I rejoice over the many friends I've made through the society. I know I wouldn't have made them if I hadn't decided to pursue historical interests. I do feel that I am making a difference by making people aware of their historic resources. It is frustrating though to not be able to find a secure position that utilizes the skill sets I've picked up. I'd love to work with documents, scanning them and preparing them for storage. I'd like to learn more about architecture and putting things together.

I do have to admit that I run ahead of God at times. I want things now. I worry too much about what's going to happen. I do have a reason to rejoice. My God is providing for my needs. He knows what I need before I even ask. It can be hard to push against the obstacles that stand in my way. I know I do have to trust him even when it seems as if everything is going "south."

The pressures of society to perform a certain way or act out in mourning sometimes overwhelm me. I admittedly get depressed as I struggle to find sustainable work that won't compromise my belief system. I do have a reason to mourn when I see the struggles of my fellow contemporaries. They didn't ask to be pushed aside. The rapid increase of technology has left them in the dust. Some have balked at trying to learn all this new technology. It seems impossible. It feels like losing bits and pieces of yourself to the World Wide Web.

I do have to choose daily not to dwell on the obstacles in my way. I have to choose to be happy and content to wait on the Lord for his timing. It is hard. You do want to run ahead to see what's out there. Yet I know that it is best to wait for his guidance.