Rejoicing and Letting Go

I had a relatively good week. I started on a project, had another project thrust upon me and continued the ongoing search for meaningful work. My family did bless me by allowing me some time to reflect on where I was going. I know now that I do have to stop some habits that were dragging me down. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I can rejoice that I'm in relatively good health. I can stop focusing on what's wrong with my life. I can let go of the anxiety that has been my constant companion for far too long.

I know God loves me. I know that he does have a plan for this phase of my life. I can let go of the doubts and fears that drag me down. I can rejoice that I will be well provided for and trust that God will guide me. It hasn't been easy for me to let go. The old demons that tell you that you're stuck in the pit of poverty and despair have been trying to drag me down. It is hard to see past the circumstances that led me here struggling to break free.

I am excited about the projects, hoping that something good will come out of them. I can't let fear dominate me anymore. There will be some things that I feel I'm not capable of doing. I have to face them head on, and press forward. Yes, it will be scary. Public speaking is not my "cup of tea" but I will do it. I just have to set my mind to do it. I can rejoice that the message will get through and let go of my doubts. The Lord knows what I need.

Beginning A New Life: Stepping Out into the Unknown

I took the week off last week to prepare myself for the changes that would soon take place. I wanted to reflect on what I've done in the past. I also wanted to understand what tools I had in the present to prepare for the future. This beginning isn't going to be easy. I'm going to have to relearn somethings, let go off other things and step out into the unknown.

All the signs are there. I know I have to stop sitting on this fence waiting for stuff to happen. This new life is a bit scary. I admit that I do sometimes hate change. I like having some control. Yet right now I'm realizing that I never really had any control. The things that have happened and are happening in my life now are because God ordained them to be. I sometimes get so tense and stubborn about things that I can't see anything.

This chapter of my life can be exciting as I reach out to learn new stuff. I don't have to let people label me as too old to do stuff. I am going to stop making excuses that I can't do this or that. I know my body is changing. I know that the world is running scared. I can't let the world rule me. I have to let God rule me.

I'm not sure what my next steps will be. I do question whether I should go back to school again or avail myself of the free courses available online. What will I study? There is just so much information out there! My head is spinning with the possibilities. I sometimes feel frozen wondering why I still can't focus on what I want out of life.

I step out into the unknown feeling a bit queasy inside. It has been a long time since I stretched myself this way. I think I've been afraid to do much. It has been way too easy to dismiss the new life I'm now living here. There will be some adjustments. It is all a beginning.

Transforming Ourselves For A New Life

It has only been since my parents died last year that I've had to change my whole outlook on life. I was no longer a caregiver as I had been since 2012 in some form. I no longer had to worry about what my parents may think of what I was doing and why. I realized a lot of things that I depended on were now gone too. It was and in some ways still is a scary time.

This transformation of myself takes time. I don't have all the answers about what's going to happen to me in the long term. That may be a good thing. We were never meant to stress ourselves out over the future. Yes, admittedly I still struggle with the feeling of loss. I guess I may never get over it completely. I struggle to fit into this new life that I've been thrust into through the death of my parents. I've had to learn slowly to create a new pattern and find a new direction.

Some days it just feels overwhelming. New technological breakthroughs are happening too quickly for me to grasp. Employers seem to expect too much or not enough. I am fighting my way through the morass trying to find a foothold. It isn't easy.

Transformation takes time. No one wants to acknowledge this fact. It doesn't happen in a second. It doesn't happen automatically. It can't be forced. Yes, it can happen and be beautiful when it happens.

What will that new life be like? I often wonder. I see the ugliness now of this world that seemingly grows worse by the day. Is this transforming power something to be grasped? I don't know. I only recall vaguely that unless we die to our old selves we can't live. It is a continuing process I understand. We are transformed daily, either through the sordid junk that we surround ourselves with or through the pure words of God's written word.

We have lost something precious in the past forty years. Growing up in the "me" culture where traditional worship has gone by the wayside I really didn't realize what was missing. I now have an inkling. I can see the loss of stability as clear as day.

The older generations understand this loss better than we do. They were solidly taught the morals and standards that guided this nation from the beginning. We weren't because some of our parents rebelled against those morals and standards. We are the byproduct of their rebellious ways. I do see some glimmers of hope in this current generation. They see what has happened to us. Some have come to embrace the old morals that have been uncovered. They find that there is no going back or moving forward.