Memorial Day Reflections

This Memorial Day has been more poignant for me due to the recent death of my father. My father served in the US Air Force from 1956 to 1960. He was stationed in the states during his four-year enlistment. He met my mom while he was stationed at Little Rock, Arkansas. I'm not sure how they met as this was never shared. All I do know is that they fell in love and got married in Little Rock, Arkansas on June 6, 1958. Home movies show my father looking very sharp and handsome in his Air Force uniform standing with my mom. My mom wore a beautiful short, lacy wedding dress.

There is little known about what my Dad was exposed to while in the service. Many service men and women have been exposed to toxic chemicals. My Dad was fortunate in some ways. He was never called to serve in Vietnam. He had never really known what it was like to be unemployed because he was able to take his company pension. Jobs weren't as scarce as they are now for people of a certain age. He was able to dabble in sales and bring in funds. It hasn't been proven and possibly never will be what triggered the thyroid cancer that eventually killed him. I suspect that some of the toxic chemicals he was working with may have had something to do with it.

My Dad served honorably. It was his example that persuaded me to join the service as an airman. I wasn't stationed where he was. I was actually stationed in Hawaii and Washington DC. I am proud of my father's service. He did show me the way to serve with dignity and pride. Thank you, Dad.

A Week In Time: Pushing My Way Forward Through the Pain

Everyone said that the real pain wouldn't hit until this week. In some ways they were right. It has been very hard to get past seeing his handwriting on the papers I've thrown out. It has also been difficult at times to grasp that he is gone. There is a big hole in my heart.

I am pushing my way forward through the pain. I realize that I do have two people that are depending on me to be strong for them. I know I can't shirk my duties or hide in a corner until the pain passes. I have to keep moving.

I have been blessed though with the many messages I received online. It has been eye-opening to realize how many people really seem to care about me. Sometimes I feel unworthy of that attention. I have been on autopilot for so long that it is only now that things are starting to break. It isn't easy. I still want to scream but I hold it in.

Everyone goes through the grief process differently. I watch my mom and know that even though she is not openly weeping, her loss overwhelms her. I don't know how to answer people anymore about how she is doing. I don't know. I think in some ways she is still processing the fact that he's gone. She also feels that it was a blessing that he didn't die at home. There was a fear that it would happen. I didn't want that to happen either.

I still don't know what the future holds for me. I am currently deeply involved in my community with the society. We're at a crossroads. It does seem that whatever is going to happen will happen in August. This time of the year, unfortunately, has been one that has seen a lot of changes. I remember clearly when two of the officers resigned. It was painful then. What will this August bring? Only the Lord knows...

In Memoriam-A Death In the Family

My heart feels heavy as I write this blog. My father lost his battle with cancer on Sunday. My last memory of him is not a good one. Seeing him gasp for breath, listening to the suction machine and watching him literally waste away before my eyes are not the way I wanted to remember him. It was God's will though. God knew that I would have preferred tucking him away in a nursing facility. Yet nowadays nursing facilities appear to be the last resort. It is only if you have enough funds to place the person in one or that person has no one at home to take care of them.

Yes, I admit that I was angry. I wanted to scream, "It's just not fair!" I actually lost control a couple times in January and February. Right now all I feel is numb. I don't want to remember my Dad in that hospital bed gasping for breath. I don't want to remember Dad unconscious and being carried out for the last time. Yet those images are my memories now.

I do struggle to get past those horrible images. I tell myself that he is home with the Lord. I tell myself that he is not suffering now. Yet here I am. What can I say? I loved him. It was the only reason why I got over my anger and took over the household duties. Dad knew that Mom just wasn't capable of doing it. My older brother wasn't able to do it either, at least not by himself.

I can be grateful though for all the support my family has given me. Lord knows that I needed it. My financial situation is still very bleak too. I go back now after a brief mourning period to find work to sustain myself and the two people that are now depending on me. I don't know what the next months will bring. I can't think that far ahead. I just need to take this one day at a time.

A Time of Respite and A Bit of Hope

It has been a little while since I last wrote this blog. I have been busy attending meetings of a newly formed organization. I've also watched my father deteriorate right before my eyes. It hasn't been a very good sight and one that has really taken its toll on all of us. Thankfully the hospice team finally agrees that it is time for some respite care. It will be good for Dad to get some rehabilitation as well. It can't be good for him to be stuck in that hospital bed.

This gives me a bit of hope. I can get excited about the possibility that this condition could get better with this respite. I can also have some time to really evaluate things as they stand now. I've gotten some good job leads too. Lord knows I do need some sustainable work. If I can do it remotely, it would be ideal for now. I would like to get out of the house though. It is hard for me to see him deteriorate so much.

I am still weary. There are days when I feel the world is collapsing all around me. I want to get off the treadmill that seemingly drags me down. Lord will provide is still my song. I have to continue to believe that. It is hard when you look at empty cupboards wondering where my next meal will come. I also feel quite helpless when I heard my Dad struggling to breathe.

Praying for a bit of hope in the midst of a disaster.