Counting My Blessings 2014

This year has been a good year for me to reassess where I'm going with the society. I have had some rough patches to go through and times when I felt that it wasn't worth it. Yet I am counting my blessings for quite a number of things.

1) I've been relatively healthy this year with no major health issues. My family also has remained relatively healthy as well. Yes we all have some health issues, but they are manageable.

2) Even though the events that I took on myself turned out to be flops, I learned something from them. I learned that I shouldn't go "full speed ahead" without some support. I also learned that I needed to tweak the events a little more and not expect the moon....:-)

3) The society I founded is still viable even with the defection of two key people. I realize that it is still needed and that I need to be persistant and not give in to those who want to see me fail.

4) I have a job.....Yes, it's very limited part time work...but I'm feeling challenged as I haven't been before now. I have a feeling that something is going to break soon, and I will have that revenue stream I need to keep functioning.

5) My niece is expecting a baby in March...Wow!....I'm still getting used to the idea that I'll be a Great Aunt.

6) I still have a home, I still have food on the table and this Internet connection. So many struggle with these now that sometimes I have to step back and thank God these aren't issues for me as yet.

7) My family and friends.....They put up with so much from me. I know I could be better at opening up about what's happening...but that's difficult. I praise God for their understanding as I work through the changes and upsets with being a contractor instead of an employee.

8) The groups I belong to....the historical societies and other groups that promote local history. I do want to help them more.

The most important blessing is knowing that God is there for me....and that he will never leave me. I am extremely grateful that he continues to provide for me.

The Mystery of The Greatest Gift of All Time

Maybe you're wondering what I mean when I say the mystery of the greatest gift of all time. Today it seems that we have it all. We've become jaded. We forgotten too much. I know that I've disillusioned a time or two. I longed for something more than the stuff that I get under the tree at Christmas. I heard the story of Jesus' birth a million times but haven't fathomed the real mystery behind it.

Only recently have I realized that his coming was the greatest gift of all time. Yet I believed that there was no mystery behind it...that everything was pretty straightforward. I was wrong. Reading and studying the scriptures revealed that the mystery of God's word. Some will still be blind to it, not accepting the Light that has come into the world to displace the darkness. They will want to see some physical proof, not realizing that God came as a man and offered himself as a sacrifice for us. It still blows my mind that God would wrap himself up as a human and die for our sins.

It is equally mind blowing that most blow off that sacrifice. Really....they and I have to admit that I forget too easily that God came in the form of a baby so he could feel what we feel, so he could give us a way out of the darkness and bring us back to himself.

The more I see how jaded society is becoming and how willing they are to put this amazing sacrifice in a box somewhere, the more I long to be free. The message of Christmas is being suppressed everywhere...in our schools, in the military, in the workplace and even in the church. Yet, I see the hope that shines in faces who have heard the message of Jesus Christ and are willing to die rather than recant it. May we too embrace this greatest gift of all time.

Blown Away By God's Love

It's been a rough couple of years for me. I freely admit that. I've focused too much on my own problems that I haven't realized that there are many others struggling just as hard as I am. I committed myself to stop whining and complaining about stuff I have no control over, such as my current financial situation. I know that God is in control. I am blown away when I realize that he's been with me through it all.

During this time of year it is especially hard not to focus on broken dreams and wish for something better to happen. Believe me, I do know. I often wish for things I know are not possible for me to have. I reflect on all the broken dreams I've had and wonder if God is really out there for me. It's foolish. I know that....and more than that its crazy. He shows himself daily to me, if I'm open to his leading and his words. It is his words that resonate this time of year.

I marvel with the angels that he could sacrifice himself for me. It still blows me away that he could love me as he does. Seeing the children re-enact the birth of Jesus Christ sends shivers of joy and sadness through me. The joy is knowing that they are receiving the word. The sadness comes when I realize that some will forget and turn away from the message of hope and light.

We all need reminders of God's love for us. We need to be courageous enough to take a stand and talk to others about the light of the world. We can't be cowards and shrink from our mission here on Earth. Some of us will be persecuted for our beliefs. God is not mocked. His light does burn in the Darkness even now. Praise be to him who brings the Light!

Going through the motions-Holiday Time

Lately I have been feeling like I'm going through the motions of being in control. I know that I can't always be "on" but sometimes it's very hard not to give in to that pressure of always being "on" for others. I do struggle greatly with health issues, both mental and physical. I know my family and friends mean well. I just sometimes feel wrung out. I can't continue to pretend that everything is okay. I realize it isn't.

Some things will change in the coming year. I know this too. Maybe I will have to hurt someone's feelings in order to help them grow. Maybe someone will have to hurt my feelings in order for me to grow. I can't let others push me around though. I have to remain focused.

When I think about this time of year I think about what I've tried to accomplish in the past year. My plans have gone "south" for a time. Yet I do have people behind me that are willing to help. My greatest challenge will be to let them. I know that I can be a bit opinionated at times. I know I've got things wrong many times. I know that sometimes going through the motions is the only way I can function without stressing out.

I can do this. I know I can. Holidays are stressful when your mindset is that you have to get something for someone "just because." I need to change my mindset. What can I do to help others succeed? What can my organization do to revitalize and restore our communities to their former glory? Maybe nothing....

The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

That song has been in my head lately. I know I do have a lot to be thankful for in regards to any number of things. It has not been easy however to keep sane when fears have a grip on your soul. I have been following with some anxiety the Ebola epidemic that is still spiralling out of control in Africa. For them, this hasn't been the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, whole families have been ravaged by this horrendous disease. I continue to pray for healing and a cure.

Then there's the fact that I'm being pressured to do something that I can't in good conscience do. It is hard not to bow under that pressure. This time of year that pressure can seem enormous. You want to do right by your family and friends, but you have to count the cost. If the cost is too high, then you have to hold on and not give in.

This could be the most wonderful time of the year for you. You have to choose for yourself to follow the Lord's leading. He sacrificed for you. It is only right that you don't give in to all the pressure to conform to what everyone is telling you to do.

I remember the Lord's mercy toward me. I remember that he is always with me. I remember that he has always provided for me. I can lean on him. I can follow his word and be open to his direction. I will leave a good legacy for my family and friends by not giving in to the pressure and standing up for my beliefs even when threatened with bodily harm. Yes, it is scary to think of ISIS and what they are planning to do. My God is bigger than their god. He is in control and I can move forward with him or buckle under the pressure to conform. I won't do it.

Thanking God For You

I have so much to be thankful for this year. It has been really tough at times to keep going, especially when it seemed as if everything was falling apart at the seams. The Victorian Tea was a success with 35 people showing up. I was pleasantly surprised at the overwhelming support the society got. I know that I have many people to thank for sticking with me through this period of turmoil.

I still don't know what lays ahead for me. It is still a bit unnerving not to know what's going to happen next. I trust God to guide me in the right direction and show me what I need to do. I know that he has placed this burden on my heart to help preserve and promote local history to the younger generation. I can sense his presence very strongly in the past. I can sense his presence now and pray that he will continue to guide us in the future.

I do thank God for his many blessings.

Stepping Back In Time

This Sunday I'll be participating in a Victorian Tea. I'm a bit nervous hoping that everything goes well. You never know though what can happen. I want to create the feeling of stepping back in time. Making it simple with just tea sandwiches and tea is my goal.

I've got some good responses....about twenty people which to me is a good small number. I'm waiting for a few more to respond back to me. It is a little nervewracking trying to get the word out. I feel inadequate to do a good job at advertising it. I'm guessing it is because I'm insecure about how it will all work out. There are so many things that could go wrong with this.

I didn't want to just have the open house...too boring except for the history buffs. I want the interaction between people to actually see the house as it is and as it was.

If I'm successful, it will seem that the person is stepping back in time.

Remembering Our Veterans

Being a veteran myself, Veterans Day holds a special place in my heart. I know the sacrifice others have made for me so that I can be free to do the things I want to do. I also know that their sacrifice hasn't been in vain. Sometimes it is hard to understand the depth of what it means to serve your country no matter what happens. There are wars that we probably shouldn't have fought, but did anyway.

I especially enjoy the freedom to worship the way I want to worship. Tyrannies abound that deny those rights. I shiver to think of the christians being beheaded because of their beliefs. Would I be willing to stand up for mine? I've never been in that type of situation.

War stories of the bravery of our soldiers, airmen, navy and marines fascinate me. Every one has God's fingerprints on them. I realize more when I listen to these stories that God is in control of everything. He does have a plan for each one of us. I thank God that we are free to worship him.

Election Day

Yup, it's election day or should I say it's decision time. I have to admit that I'm really tired of all the politics. No one seems any better or worse than the next one. I tell my Dad it's all about perception...and it is. Someone who spends billions of dollars smearing another person just to get elected unsettles my stomach. It's wrong. Everyone knows it, but they get away with it.

I know in my heart that no matter what the best person wins...because he/she has been placed there by God. I know that my sentiment doesn't go over well with some. I have to say that it is totally crazy how we can get so wrapped up in the "mudslinging" that we can't see the truth. Yet I also know that the truth will come out. It already has.

As much as people try to deny the truth, try to push it away or deny its existance...the more it pops up. There is nothing we can do about some of these issues the politician like to push in our faces. Sometimes it is like they like to make mountains out of mole hills. I know that I should care if our taxes are going to be raised through the roof. I know that I should try to do something about finding employment for the long term unemployed...but there are factors that no one is addressing about that. I know that God is in control. For me, this is enough.

Enjoying the beautiful fall weather

I do enjoy the fall weather. I like to walk in the leaves and hear them crinkle under my feet. I love the smell of the damp leaves after an autumn rain and the touch of warm wool on my skin. I marvel at God's handiwork as he paints the leaves yellow, red and orange.

Fall is a time of reflection and of harvest. I know that winter is not far ahead now. Yet when I breathe in the crisp, cool air and feel the warm sun on my face, I don't think of the coming winter. I thank God for the bounty he has given me and my family. I praise him that he continues to provide for me. I may not understand everything, but I do know that God is in control. That's enough for me. I hate the rush of pushing Christmas ahead of Thanksgiving. I'm reminded that we should be thankful for all the Lord gives us. I look at these golden fall days and want to stop time. It is in the fall when we can reflect on God's goodness and marvel at his handiwork.

Yes, some equate fall with the sense of loss. It doesn't have to be that way. Falling leaves are part of the renewal process. We all must go through the autumn and winter of our lives before the spring renews us.

Growing In Christ And Reaching Out To The World

The above sentence is the motto of Aldan Union Church. The members of this church do believe in growing in Christ and reaching out to the world. The pastors there preach the Word of God literally word by word as it is written. Admittedly it has been hard to follow recently as they changed from the NIV to the ESV. I do like the old NIV better, but that's just me. Yet I can still follow the passages, especially when the pastor uses the old NIV as a reference.

The church will be celebrating its 100th year next year....a whole year of celebration! Wow! I do like that there are plans in the works for the celebration. I look forward to seeing all that history.

Waiting In A Virtual Siberia

I'm not sure how I feel at this time. Anxious....yes. I have to admit that. Alone...yes. It's my fault though for this isolation. Scared...yes...at times I am. Yet I also feel strangely elated, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can't explain it. All I can say is that this mixture of feelings comes from the mixed messages I've been receiving lately. It's almost like I'm waiting in a virtual Siberia.

Siberia, as most historians and geographers know, is a desolate place. Back in the twentieth century (really not that long ago), children were threatened with the words; "We'll sent you off to Siberia!" This meant that you would be subjected to harsh punishment and be isolated from the world. Actually without the punishment part that might not be a bad thing. Being isolated, you wouldn't be bombarded by well wishers and advice. You'd have to work things out on your own. It might be hard though not to have human contact. I can only imagine what is going through the minds of those who are under quarantine right now. I know that they must be thinking that they are lost.

I do find myself praying for the Lord's coming on a daily basis. Yet I'm anxious that I'll succumb to the temptations and fears that are swirling around me. I know this "Siberia" time is for my good. I pray that I can be a light to others and show them God's love for them.

Quiet Time Alone With God

This is a beautiful country club. I've never been in it myself, but the woods and the lake are beautiful. I do like to walk the park across the street with the beautiful waterfall.

The bridge above is finally being fixed so cars can go through...but I kind of liked it when they were barred. It is so peaceful there...or at least it
was.

I spend my quiet time with God there. I read the bible and listen to the quiet. When I look at these pictures, I'm reminded that I have to stand still and not let things get to me. I need to take one day at a time.
Walking in the autumn woods settles me. I realize that whatever is bothering me now will soon fade away. My eyes rejoice to see the reds, yellows, oranges, brown and green of the trees. I am blessed. Yes, I'm still in a somewhat precarious situation without a steady income. Yes, I've had people question me about my choices and why I've been in this particular situation for so long.

It's only when I take the time to sit quietly and reflect on all the Lord is doing for me that I realize that I'm in the place he wants me to be in now. I can't change the fact that I'm considered unemployable to some....of course they are wrong. I've learned so much that at times I've been overwhelmed by it all.

Everyone, at one time or another, comes to a place where they have to think about what legacy they will leave behind them. This time for me has been just that. I've reflected much about what I'm doing and how I'm reflecting God's love to others. What will they think of me? Will they bless the time they had with me? Will my actions and words bring people to Christ or turn them away?

In looking for gainful employment and/or a steady stream of revenue, I've had to ask myself some hard questions. Would I be willing to condone and/or encourage someone to keep sinning just to have a steady position? How would my image be affected if I compromised my ideals to get a job? It's tough. You do want to project a positive image to the people around you....but at the same time you don't want to compromise on your beliefs either.

I cherish my quiet time with God.

Pandemic Fears

I have been following the news lately about Ebola, and frankly I'm scared to death. I can admit that freely even though I know the Lord has me in his almighty hands. I'm not sure what to do. I know that a lot of people are feeling the same way. The pandemic fear is spreading faster than the pandemic itself. Will we survive it? Will we want to survive it? These are the questions that keep rolling around in my head when I stop to read the articles and comments about Ebola. There are a lot of unknowns about this disease that has grown to pandemic portions within a period of six months.

It has given rise to questions about where to live as well as whether or not to stock up on food and sanitary supplies now before they become scarce. I do think a lot of it is geared towards stirring up panic and to get people to buy their supplies. Yet I can't help thinking that a lot could be just common sense reasoning too. You do have to build up your own immune system by nutritional supplements if you can't get fresh fruit and vegetables in you. You do have to be wise about food stocks, making sure that you're storing canned fruit and vegetables as well as other food stock. You do have to have a way of saving water as well.

I pray continuously to God to spare us from the ravages of a quarantined city where food and medical supplies are scarce. I pray that calm remains the law of the land, and wise decisions are made to thwart violence.

Moving Forward In A Bog

Yup...this is the scene. You've made it through what at the time seems like the worst thing that could happen. You know that you are still struggling to understand why it happened or how you can fix it. At this time you can't imagine yet that things will get better for you. It does seem like you're moving forward in a bog with no direction.

This is the time to realize how much the Lord has already blessed you. You need to be thankful for the people supporting you, not complaining that things are not going the way you expected them to go.

The above photograph, an autumn scene from last year, reflects my current mood. It seems like everything is dying, yet we all know that spring will come again. Just like I know in my heart that though I'm moving forward in a bog right now, I will see spring again.

I think of this tree, seen here on the left, as symbol of growth and promise of a better tomorrow. I hold onto to hope and press forward to the light.

A boost when it was needed most

It did seem for a time that all was lost. I wanted to throw in the "towel" and let the organization die. I told myself that no one cared. Of course that wasn't true. I had much to learn. I realize that. I couldn't do it either by myself. I knew that too. Yet amazingly so many others have came to my rescue...they stayed when it seemed that everything was falling apart at the seams. They told me not to quit and gave me a reason to continue.

Yes, the society is still in a critical phase. There is no denying that. I could wallow in self-pity and shame for some minor offenses or I could pick myself up, admit that I failed and move forward. Moving forward after a crisis isn't going to be easy. It is going take guts and courage to face the ugly naysayers who long to pull you down to their level.

It would be easy to give in to the naysayers. It takes courage and guts to stand up for what you believe and be willing to sacrifice everything for them. I had to tell myself that it was God's will that this situation happened, and that I was being tested. Would I stand up for him? Yes. I can't do anything else...God hates sin. There is no compromise here. Sin is sin. To believe that God will accept sinners who keep sinning is wrong and dangerous. If we condone sin, what is the unbeliever to believe about us? Yes, as painful as it still is....I believe that this happened for a reason. Have I learned something? I have. I learned a lot about the people around me, and about my own strengths. I realized that this whole situation is bigger than just what's currently happening in the society. Everyone needs to ask this pertinent question. How willing are you to stand up for what you believe in? Would you crumble at the least provocation? Or will you stand and reach out to others who need to see your stance?

I appreciate the strong Christian who is willing to make necessary sacrifices so others may know God and follow him. They give me a boost when I need it most. It is through their example that I see the Lord working. It is through God's word that I gain strength to face each day.

Rough Seas

I couldn't write last week. It is hard to write this week. I am going through some rough seas in regards to the organization I'm running. My Vice President quit for no reason at all. I'm feeling a bit sick in the stomach that two of the programs I attempted to run have fallen flat on their "faces." I know I do have support in getting the organization back up on its feet, but I'm wondering if it's all worth it.

I shouldn't quit. I know that. Too many are depending on me to keep things going. I have to admit that I don't want to quit either. If it remains a social club, would I be okay with that? Maybe...it wouldn't take much to make it that way. Some of the other historical societies do that. Yet I have a yearning to do more.

I can see why so many young and not so young people quit now. I sense the same frustration as they do whenever they come up with new ideas. All too often they get "shut down" and told that it can't be done. This is how I feel now. It is hard to admit that I'm ready to let the rough seas take me.

Is there any hope for me? Will I find some meaningful work soon? I hope so. I know that I can't go on like this much longer. I do feel like my heart has been ripped out with the whole situation. I am tired and like many of us long to go home to God. Yet I know my work is not done here. As much as it pains me, I have to move forward. Will I survive this agony? That I really don't know...All I really know is that God does care for me. He will give me the strength to move forward.

Computer has a new lease on life

Yup, I took the plunge and had my computer cleaned out over the weekend. I now have a new operating system and am in the process of downloading the files I got off the computer before it was cleaned. I think I should also give myself a new lease in life as well. That means that I have to stop dwelling on the negatives of not having permanent employment and see the opportunities to expand my horizons.

So, what now? Can I see myself living the kind of life that someone who works just for the contract and not for an actual company lives? What are the advantages to this kind of life?

1) I can keep my own hours. This is a good thing since I've gotten used to a pattern of work that has me with a flexible amount of hours. In other words, I could work in the morning, take the afternoon to do outside work and come back in the evening to do more work.

2) I connect with a wide variety of people from all walks of life. Some of their stories are amazing. I can listen to the stories elders tell us and imagine what it might have looked like to them.

3) I learn new skills that I haven't had before. Some of those skills I can use now.

4) I can fellowship with others in the same or similar situations. I can support them and they in turn can support me.

I know it's not easy for me to transition from a solid foundation to a liquid state of scrambling for work. I hate the feeling of never knowing what the next day will bring or if I'll ever find the position I need to make a living. Yet I know I must keep pressing on, learning more about this transition and hopefully get some great gains both spiritually and monetarily.

Starting to See Why I left the Corporate World

Hi,

I spent this morning learning about the legal aspects of fundraising, some of which I gleaned earlier and some I didn't really know. There is a lot to know when you are going out on your own as an independent contractor. One of the things I suddenly realized is that I can use the EIN number I have, and should be using it instead of an SSN number. It makes a whole lot of sense to use the EIN number for business and keep your SSN number for when you are an employee. You get an EIN number when you register with your state which will ask you what taxes you are going to be paying. For most independent contractors, it will be the social security taxes, and the sales taxes. I still have some questions though.

Corporations do make you go through some "hoops" to allow you to get their business. It all seems confusing and time consuming when you have to go through a delicate dance between what is and isn't acceptable. You often wonder if it's worth it. You really have to ask yourself at one point whether or not you want to continue playing the corporate games or start moving in another direction.

I can understand why there are so many rules and regulations. It is hard to know when you're accidentally breaking one especially when you are out on your own as an independent contractor. So I'm taking this slow. Listening intently and learning all I can about what I need to know to help grow my non-profit organization. I'm hoping that in the near future that enough funds and support will come in to grow the vision I have for the organization.

Still struggling with the New Economy and trying to find my place in it

Hi, this week has been an adventure. I have yet to gain traction on this new journey that I find myself on. Everyone tells me that you have to be an entrepreneur in order to survive. Yet they don't tell you how hard it is to compete with millions of others who have followed that dream as well. Nor do they tell you that being entrepreneur sometimes means that you're a serf for whatever company or organization wants to hire you. In other words the new word is "independent contractor"....which essentially means that you

1) Scramble with everyone else to find work that will pay more than a pittance.

2)Beg to find any work so you get money in the bank which you need to pay bills.

3)You pay for your own health insurance and everything else with little or no money...Good Luck!

4)You get to expose your personal information for everyone to see and count it a privilege if they don't destroy your identity in the process.

5)You take the risk of losing everything, even your home on the hopes that the company is legit and they will pay what you're worth.

6) If you complain, then you join the thousands that are struggling to find work..

Yes, I know that sounds bitter...but I haven't as yet found out anything different. I actually read a very scary article about computers and robots taking over many of the jobs that we're doing today. I was reminded of a very scary movie I saw as a child called "Future Shock". I still remember the feeling of helplessness I had then about the future. I know now that God is still in control. I have to tell myself this every day. There is some position out there for me. I just have to reach out for it and grab a hold of it.

No Rest for the Weary

You might be wondering about the above title. I am weary of so many things. Yet I know there is no rest for me. You might ask why? Oh there are a number of reasons. One of the biggest is that I can't for one moment let my guard down and give in to the negativity I see all around me. Once I do, then I get stuck in it for a long time. I find it harder to pull myself up or show a positive attitude when I let myself go.

Is that what I need to do? Let go? Yes...it is true that I need not look any further than God's Word to find rest. Yes...it is true that God promises us eternal life and everlasting joy in the world to come. Yes...I can rest in him and I should be doing that. Yet it is hard to let go and sometimes hard to see that hand reaching out to you in the midst of a wearying situation. It calls for trust.

Do I trust God enough to provide for my every need? Yes. He does it even when I don't ask or seem ungrateful. Am I willing to rest in him knowing that he will provide? Yes. I can do this through his strength, not my own. In my own strength, I am nothing. He will strengthen me for the race and equip me for the journey. I need not fear the dark tunnel I find myself in. I only need to grab his hand and move forward.

It is the moving forward that sometimes trips me up. My mind and body long for rest. Yet I know that there is no rest for the weary. We must stand on our guard day and night for Satan's attacks. We have to reach out to God and press forward in his Light. I know this.

Learning from the little ones and seeing everything through their eyes

It hardly seems possible that so much time has passed since this picture was taken in April 2011. Yet it has....The little girl in this picture has a sister who is now about the same age as she was in this picture. Visiting them is always a joy. It was a very special joy this time especially when I heard the good news about her accepting Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.

I remembered vividly the first time I heard the good news about the Lord and his redeeming love. I was six...the same age as this little girl. It didn't "take" then because I went back to my old ways soon afterwards. I didn't understand what it was I was committing to...It was a spur of the moment reaction. Yet when I reflect back I realize that it was a true reaction to the news I received. I couldn't understand what it truly meant to commit my life to the One who had my life in his hands. It was a child's reaction of complete and total acceptance. Sometimes I long to go back to that feeling of complete abandonment to my heavenly father...I want to become the child I once was...utterly dependent on my Father. Other times I struggle because I can't accept what's right before my eyes. I tune out to the young voices that have so much to teach me about life and love. It's only when I look into the faces of my precious nieces that I realize how very blessed I am.

I do pray for Aydia. It will not be an easy path for her to travel. She will be tempted as I was to turn away and go back to my old ways. I did, a couple years later, make a solid commitment to the Lord and have been following him ever since.

Working for the long term and thanking God for each day

It has been a really exhilarating and crazy week for me. I learned about the power of the press in regards to a historic building that was set to be demolished. We got a reprieve from demolition, but the hard work begins now. This is getting the word out that we need the support of the entire community in order to make something beautiful happen. I smile when I see my father excited about what potentially could happen here. I know that it will take a lot of work to get anywhere near our ultimate goal of saving the building.

Yet I feel it can be done. We just have to keep talking about our vision, garner enough support from everyone and work together to reach the goals we've set. I tell myself that this is what I have to do in order to find that elusive job...I need to set goals. I need to write down the accomplishments I've done over the past two years, even though I haven't gotten paid for them.

I do thank God for each day. I know that I do have to stop hiding myself away and move forward. Yes, it is scary to expose yourself. I tell myself that I'm not doing it for me....I'm doing it for my family...I'm doing it for my community and I'm doing for the generations that come after me. I am working for the long term. I want young people to feel that they are making a mark in this world, and that their contributions will be remembered. I also want them to know of the contributions their parents, grandparents and others have made.

If saving one historic building will do that, then there is hope.

Pressing forward towards the high goal

Yup....I've stopped obsessing about my situation, and I've stopped focusing on myself. My high goal is to reach out and love others as Jesus does. Only when I stop focusing on myself and my problems can I begin to see everything in a new light. Yes, I do have issues that seem insurmountable now. They are not going to go away on their own, yet by obsessing about them and hoping against hope that a light will break in this current darkness isn't going to help me or the people around me. In fact by obsessing over the facts that are staring me in the face about my current monetary and support issues will deter the very ones who are still willing to help.

I am unique. I do have some unique qualities, but if I'm misusing those qualities then I am doing a disservice to myself and to the people around me. I press forward daily by:

1) Avoiding negative stories and not listening to those people who only want to tear you and others down.

2)Looking for the positive in everyone. You can find one positive thing about everyone if you think about it long enough.

3)Listening and learning. By focusing on what others are saying, you can better help them. This also is good because it takes the focus off of you.

4)Praying and asking God for direction. Sometimes, as it has in my situation, it brings you in an entirely different direction from what you've known in the past.

5) Starting each day by thanking God for what you have. I am amazed when I stop to think about God's provision for my every need. He knows what you need and when you need it.

6) Learning a new skill and using it frequently. Right now I'm slowly but surely learning more about Social Media, am focusing on a Marketing Campaign and working on Public Relations pieces...None of these skills are skills I possessed before.

7) Remaining open to opportunities to help. People tell me all the time that you never know what may happen. I'm praying for steady employment right now, but also hope to start a club for young people in the area.

8) Being creative. In other words changing up what you do each day in some small way. I have to work on this myself as I am a very structured person with certain times to do each task. Yet I'm finding that it's more freeing to let myself go and explore different options. I tell everyone that you really shouldn't depend on the Internet for everything...and this is a good lesson for young people to learn now.

9) Setting up projects with specific and measurable goals. When you have something to look forward to and accomplish, you tend to be more enthusiastic about life. I know that I have set some goals for myself to accomplish within the next six months or so. Some of these goals I'll have to reevaluate soon.

10) Accepting and knowing that you can't do it in your own strength and that you will fail sooner or later. I'm learning this lesson the hard way. I am stubborn, and I can admit that...but not so stubborn that I won't accept help. Some things are still hard for me to accept. I failed a couple of times.

Some days it is hard to press on. You feel very pressured by forces beyond your control. This is when you need God's love and support the most. He is there. Remember his love for you and press on!

Not letting Fame go to My Head or Stepping back to re-evaluate

Hi, Yes....that's my smiling face in front of the camera
.http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/content/wpvi/images/cms/156923_300x169.jpg I'm the one holding the umbrella. I can't let that fame get to me though. I've been through a lot these past two years with starting up the society and before that putting together the "Images of America-Collingdale Borough book. There are some days I just have to stand back and marvel at how much I've grown as a person. I know it's not me or my own strength that has brought me here. I know that God does have a purpose for me to fulfill.

Yes, I'm still in dire straits in some ways. I've been here so long that sometimes it feels normal. Other times I almost feel like I'm struggling in a thick quagmire of mud up to my ankles not knowing if my next steps will be fatal. That's almost what fame can do to you if you're not careful. Even the rich and famous can fall in those quagmires....not that I'm that at all. I'm just an ordinary person trying to do extraordinary things in my community.

Yes, sometimes I have to step back and re-evaluate where I'm going. I have to take a deep breath, stop stressing about things I can't do anything about and move forward in the path. I know I can't do this alone. No man is an island. I have to remind myself that God is in control. Only then can I step forward and rejoice in what he's doing in my life.

Are we really independent or dependent?

I've had somewhat of a "wake-up" call again this week about my current situation. I am learning that some have may gone to great lengths trying to silence me. They think wrongly that my views shouldn't be aired in the public eye. I am sorry that I may have offended someone. I never meant to do that. It's just that I'd rather be honest about things so someone else might learn from my mistakes.

It has got me to thinking about how independent we really are when we are afraid to speak up. We shouldn't be if it's the right thing to do or we see something that needs to be changed. People want to assume the worst sometimes. Their perception is distorted by the acts of enemies who want nothing more than to drag you and your name down in the mud with them. It is hard to fight those perceptions, especially when someone wants for some unknown reason to destroy you. Time is on your side. You can't be afraid to speak up.

This being said, I am grateful for all those who are standing with me. Admittedly I am a bit dependent on the love and support I've received. I know that it's not a easy road I'm traveling now. No one ever told me that living the Christian live would be....yet I wouldn't trade it for anything. I know my Lord loves me. I know that he has great plans for me. I can stand tall and pray for strength knowing that all will be revealed in the end.

Taking Flight and Spreading My Wings

Crazy as it may sound...this week I felt like taking flight and spreading my wings. I am getting very involved now in historic preservation as things are starting to heat up a little with one site in Darby. I am happy to help the historic commission there because I am learning so much. Yet I know that I have to come down sometime.

It's just that it is so hard to come down off the mountain where you can see forever to go back down to the dregs of society where you've been wallowing for a long time. I have to admit that I've felt more alive these past two years than I've felt in a long time. Maybe that's crazy too...because I've been struggling to find work for that long. I look at the scene here...not taken by me...of the mountains "Petty Jean" in Arkansas...and feel a peace about the situation I'm in. I know that it's not an ideal situation at all. Yet as crazy as it sounds, I feel that the Lord is guiding me to make the connections and do the work he assigned me to do.

My eyes have been opened to the plight of those around me. I see their pain every day. Yet I have hope that someday I will stand with my Lord.

Gaining a New Purpose in Life One Step at A Time

My week away from the computer was hard at first. I did find myself itching to get on-line last Monday but managed to curb the temptation. It is amazing how much you can learn by just opening yourself to the world around you and not burying yourself in the computer. You should try it sometime. I know some things are very difficult to do without getting on the Internet. Fortunately there are still some wonderful things you can do without the benefit or distraction of the computer. We have gotten away from doing things hands-on. That's a shame. The Internet should only be a tool, not a way of life. It shouldn't dictate how you live or what you say. Unfortunately this is true for so many of us nowadays. We get so absorbed in the social media we get 24/7 from the Internet that we barely talk to one another anymore. That too is a shame.

We do need to start fighting back and take back our lives from the overwhelming influences of social media in our lives. We need to put down our iPhones, our iPads, our tablets and other electronic devices that seemingly rule our lives and start living. It is becoming scarily obvious if we don't start doing this now, we'll become what George Orwell predicted in the book "1984"....

I don't know about you. As for me...I really don't like being monitored 24/7 and worrying about what others may think of me on-line. I do tend to try to keep my profile private. To some, I am considered a "Luddite" which as some may or may not know is someone who shuns modern technology. Yes, I admit that there are some things that I don't do on-line. I like paper. I like to be able to hold and see things. It gives me a sense of permanency to feel the paper in my hands, and a sense of control that I don't have on the computer. Of course, as all of you know, this is creating havoc with my ongoing job search with everything being on-line and companies longing for you to expose yourself regularly.

I have gained a new purpose in my life. I am going to start by job hunting the old fashioned way...by writing letters and calling people on the phone. It will be hard at first to get anyone's attention...so it will be a kind of experiment to see what kind of reaction I do get by doing this. I will only use the computer (Internet) to look up names and addresses and to check on the company's website for job openings. I will keep you posted from time to time as things develop...It should be interesting to say the least.

Too many avenues to cross-Time to get away and reflect

Yep....this definitely looks inviting. Frankly I am finding that I'm slowly burning out as I continue to search for that elusive job....You know the one. You probably are searching too. It is not easy to work your way towards what seems like an elusive goal knowing that soon enough time will run out. I am finding myself being dragged into working for nothing just so I can prove that I haven't been sitting on my hands while my savings dwindle down to nothing.

I do have options. Some of them will completely ruin my health (retail jobs) and others that will require a lot of hard work for little or no payment. I know for certain that I don't want to go back to the "cage" of the corporate world which no one has any power but to keep your head down and do the work until you are laid off. I am not the same person I was over 2 years ago when I was laid off. I have grown so much in the past 2 years as a person that it would be difficult but not impossible to go back to that setting. I have tried it once for a month. I hated it.

I know that everyone is pressing me to take anything...yet I am torn. Is it worth ruining my health just to have money coming in? What about my commitments to see my venture through to the bitter end? How about the responsibilities I now have to the community? There are too many avenues to cross. I do feel like I'm being pulled in thousand different directions. It is time for me to get away and reflect on what my next steps will be for my life.

Remembering our Veterans

This photograph, taken on Memorial Day 2011, reminds me that it is the young people like Julia Basford seen here that sacrifice the most. Sometimes it seems inconceivable that anyone would be willing to sacrifice themselves for their country. Yet men and women do it daily. This is why I ache when I realize that most young people really don't have a clue about all the sacrifices made on their behalf. I know it seems like I'm bashing them by saying that...and that there are some young people out there that do care. Unfortunately they haven't stepped forward as yet or they have been pressured by their peers not to care.

We need to remember our veterans though. We can't let the sacrifices that are being made even now go unnoticed amid the barbecues and cookouts. It would be a crying shame for those that are now serving like Julia Basford to come home without being recognized for their service. What message are we sending if we continue to ignore and not give honor to those who made the ultimate sacrifice? Are we in fact saying that it doesn't matter? It is criminal not to take some time, either by attending a ceremony, cleaning up a grave site or thanking an individual veteran for their service.

So what do we do about this? Can we stick our heads in the sand and ignore the sad facts that most of the ceremonies are attended by older folk? Do the young people have to be forced to care about the country they live in or is it only a matter of time before it really won't matter at all because we're one big global community?

Words to think about....as we head towards that one world government.

Overwhelmed and Pressed for time

Yep!...That's me. I am feeling so overwhelmed lately with all the pressure of trying to make this venture work. It isn't easy because frankly I'm introverted which means that I have a very difficult time warming up to people that I meet for the first time. Sometimes I just freeze up. Other times I stumble over words and feel like an idiot. I try daily not to put myself down or let the pressure get to me. I feel it though. I struggle to be someone I'm not because that is the way the world wants it. No one likes someone who doesn't speak up for themselves or presses to be heard.

The job market and the people in it embrace the extrovert. The pressure to "network, network, network" is overwhelming. No one takes into account that the introvert isn't comfortable reaching out to others like that. I know that if I had been in this job market five years ago, I wouldn't have survived it. It has only been through a concentrated effort and the Lord's leading that I've managed to survive being in the situation I'm currently in with no funds coming in.

I, like most of my fellow colleagues in the non-profit sector, are scrambling for funds. All of us dream of that one donor/foundation that will provide our organizations with steady incomes. Some of us are pressed for time as savings dwindle without any "light at the end of the tunnel." This means that we have to be sales people and sell ourselves and our services and hope that people will fund us before we have to close up shop.

I have a feeling that things will get better. I have to believe that or throw in the towel...hide somewhere and wait to die. Yes, I have to admit there are days like that...days when I want to give up. I can't. I have to keep going for the young people who need to know their history and for the old people who have that wealth of information they need to pass on before it's too late.

Planning things out or trying not to pull your hair all out....

It is hard to believe at times that I've been with this organization for over a year now. I know that I still have a long way to go before I see any profit out of this venture. I also know that I have to plan things out before I end up pulling my hair out. Once I have a plan in place and feel like I'm moving forward the better I'll feel. I can't let the struggle of trying to stay afloat or the lack of participation get me down. No one ever said that it would be easy. In fact it could be the hardest thing you'll ever do. At least that is what some say.

I am using skills I didn't know I had to do this job...and yes it is a job even though I have received no money for it. I am learning a lot too. My biggest challenge will be getting young people involved in local history. There is only so much I can do on my own. I have to trust that the teachers and superintendents will post and pass the information on to their students. I have to believe that at least a few, if not more of the students, will want to participate in the club....but most of all I need to trust God that he will bring all the groups together. That is the most important aspect of local history...Trusting God in all things.

So before I decide to tear my hair out....I should praise God for everything he has already done.

Trying to fit in and not succeeding...or Try, Try, Try...again

I have been having one of those really busy weeks. You know the ones....You go to a dozen different meetings and by the time you're finished you don't know where you are. You listen carefully. You think that if you are smart enough and organized enough that maybe you'll fit in.

Sometimes you just don't. Sometimes you're just not meant to fit in. Sometimes you just don't want it badly enough. As most of you who know me know, I am in the beginning stages of starting my own business. I decided this year that I wasn't going to get back to that secure place I had. I needed to take my life in another direction. I needed to focus on what God placed in my heart for these teenagers. I needed to find a way to help them make the connections that they need to make and at the same time help the historical societies in the area as well.

I haven't been succeeding too well yet. I have a lot of barriers to overcome. One of the biggest is the lack of funds. I have none. This is the stark reality which I have to deal with and move past to find those revenue streams. I know now that they are out there ripe for the picking. My short term goal is to find those revenue streams while trying to fit into the educational scene. It's only by going towards this avenue will I begin to see results and hopefully find the funding I need to start the local history club.

Learning to be grateful and not grumpy

I can't keep the desolation and destruction out of my mind. I tell myself that I should be grateful. My stomach though churns whenever I look at the news. I can't help thinking about how very blessed I am or wondering how I would react if it was my place that the wind tore away. I pray for all the families and towns that are affected by the spate of tornadoes that literally tore people's lives to shreds. Yet I know the Lord is in this too. He has a plan here. He knows that we shouldn't hold onto things so tightly that we lose perspective on the things that are important in our lives.

We need to learn daily the lessons of being grateful and put down the feelings of grumpiness that seep into our lives. We should be joyful, not depressed. It is hard, I know, to learn those lessons. Most of the time we take things for granted until something happens that shakes our world. I know my world has been shaken these past two years as I've struggled with family health issues and financial issues due to a loss of income.

I can't go back to what I was before. I tried. I need to find some other sources of income soon. If I let myself get discouraged about the slowness of the research, I'm not helping myself to achieve my goals of financial stability and accountability. I'm also not following the Lord's lead if I don't step out in faith believing that he'll continue to provide for me. I can't go back. I must move forward in God's love, and open up my heart to others so that they can see the Lord in me. I do pray that this is the case. I want others to see the Lord in me and want to know him. If I succumb to the darkness or surrender to the "pity party" that some have when everything doesn't go their way....what message am I sending?

We need to let go of the bitterness that so easily entangles us in its web of deceit and lies. God is able to absorb and do away with the anger and frustration that so easily besets us. I know that I do still get frustrated and angry. I long to be able to say that I'm financially independent...I know a lot of us do...Yet this is a trap. We must learn to depend on God and reach out to others.

Putting myself in another person's shoes and going the distance

I realized yesterday while talking to my best friend that I really don't have it that bad. God has been good to me. He has blessed me with two good feet, two good arms, good eyesight and hearing. All this I had taken for granted until my best friend related her daily struggles with her feet and the fear that one day she may lose that limited ability to walk. I look around me at those who are now struggling to move their arms as both age and arthritis kick in. I try to put myself in their shoes. Sometimes it is hard to understand when I have been so blessed the struggle to work with pain.

I know the one thing I do admire is those who despite the pain and struggle go the distance to help others. That can't be easy. The human condition basically screams for you to take care of yourself and forget the others around you. Even now as I write these words, I have a hard time reconciling my needs with the needs of those I love. I know I must. Only when I take the focus off my situation can I move forward.

I am admittedly frightened sometimes about the deteriorating circumstances that I'm finding myself in. Dark forces want to drag me down and whisper frightening scenarios in my head. They want to pull me back into the deep pit of despair and despondency. It is these dark forces that you must fight with God's strength, not your own.

God is in control. He is blessing you. You may not realize it now, yet when you put yourself in another person's shoes it will open your eyes to the many blessings God has provided you. God will give you the strength to go the distance and will give you the direction you need. I tell myself this daily as I remind myself that one day I will see him face to face.

Fighting the Good Fight and Remembering those who have fallen

It seems somehow appropriate during Passion Week to think about those servants of the Lord who have fought the good fight and have laid down their lives for others. I remember humbly those who have gone before me laying the groundwork for a solid foundation. I admire them more today when I see the efforts of those who know better to try to tear it all down. The young have no understanding of what it took for those who have gone before to get to where we are today in our country. It's a shame when the absolute truth of the Bible is no longer taken for granted, but instead is mocked and ridiculed. We are reaping the seeds of anguish and fear we'd sown. It's understandable for the young to forget and turn away from the tenants of faith that have established and sustained us.

I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed by the ignorance and complacency of those around me. I know that I'm guilty of this too. We all need reminders of the sacrifices made for our spiritual freedom. We need to reflect on what Christ did for us so many years ago. He fought the good fight, so that we may live with him eternally. We only have to turn our eyes to the Cross and what he suffered there to know how great a love he has for us.

It is good to remember those who emulated Christ and established programs and reached out to others in need. My heart has been broken for the disenfranchised among us who even now are struggling to survive in a world that is becoming increasingly cold and heartless. It isn't an easy fight. Forces threaten to pull me apart and laugh at my puny efforts to help those around me. I will in God's strength move forward.

Thinking about wasted time and how to redeem it

I know that I have been wasting time trying to find my niche in the working world. It seems that the more I struggle with trying to find the right fit for me in the job market, the more depressed I get. Once I do stop, I find some purpose. It's weird....I know. Most expect me to keep struggling, especially now that my financial situation is looking dire. I can't....especially now that I found some other purpose in my life. It is funny that I have such a passion for preserving local history...when over a year ago I had none.

Yet I can't help thinking that there is a reason why I have such as a passion now. Just like Esther of the Old Testament, I am where the Lord wants me to be and in the situation I'm in because I needed to have my eyes opened. There are lessons to be learned and legacies to be unearthed for future generations. I know that in my own strength I can't make the past come alive for the young. I can't redeem the time either without thought to how it will affect those who I come in contact with on a daily basis.

It is a battle against time and deterioration. Every day I hear of another precious artifact lost forever or of a historical building losing its battle to the wrecking ball. Someone has to stand in the breach. Someone needs to reach the young and let them know about their history before it disappears. How?....by showing them the rich resources they have if they only reach out and take a hold of them.

You redeem time by teaching the young to respect the history of their community and showing them that they are making history even as they speak. Then they will carry it on to their children to cherish.

Leaving a Legacy or Time Well Spent

Legacy Planning

In the above link are some tools and resources for legacy planning. Many people think that only the wealthy can plan their legacy. This is not true. Some things of course cost money to plan out, yet all of us can plan how we would like to be remembered by our loved ones and acquaintances. What we leave behind will reflect on what we are interested in, what we care about and whether or not we are remembered for our good deeds or our evil deeds.

Time well spent is time that is devoted to the interest of others in your community and your world. You get to decide whether or not you will preserve a piece of history or let it decay into dust. You can make a difference in someone else's life in a variety of ways. Some of the obvious are volunteering for an event, cleaning up a park, planting a garden that will feed the hungry and helping those around you in need. Sometimes a small gesture can make a huge difference in someone's life.

I have been thinking a lot about the legacy I will leave behind. What story will others pick up about me? Will they see someone who loves the Lord or someone who is just playacting? I hope the former is true. I want my legacy to be that of a person who resonates the love of God and brings people to him. I want to be a person who is willing to stand up against the oppressors and show that God is in control.

Reading a "Candy" book vs Reading a "Meat" book

I like reading what I call "candy" books because they are sweet, uncomplicated pieces of work. They have a set dialogue, are linear and follow a pretty straight forward story line. In other words, they are predictable. Boy meets Girl....falls in love...gets married and they both live happily ever after. I do know that life is not like that. It is complicated and messy. Even in the "candy" books you have to have some conflict, otherwise you garner no interest. I usually go through "candy" books in about a week if I'm busy doing a lot of other stuff. If I'm not busy, and the story flows well, I can finish a "candy" book in a few hours.

A "Meat" book, however, definitely requires at least three weeks to read through because the words are so dense and full of meaning. The story lines are complicated, and sometimes a bit hard to read without wanting to dig deeper. You can always tell with a "Meat" book that the author took considerable time both writing and researching the material. The dialogue is not always linear, and it doesn't always follow a straight forward story line. You have to use your mind to comprehend some of the passages. You can't rush reading a "Meat" book. Those kind of books you need to savor. I have to admit that most, but not all, the "Meat" books I've read have been well worth the time and effort I put into reading them. Some of the passages still stick with me. I learn more from a "Meat" book than I've ever learned from a "candy" book.

I have written both. None as yet are published. I am still finding my audience.

Tax Time

I am currently working on my taxes. Yes, I do know that time is growing short for this. It is the most dreaded time of the year because I now see how little I made the past year. It doesn't get any easier knowing that Uncle Sam needs his money. In fact it's too easy to get confused by all the forms and the pressure to do it all on-line. I am not comfortable with this at all. I am very much a Luddite when it comes to exposing my personal information. Yet I know I've had to in order to find work.

I am struggling with "Big Brother" wanting to know everything about me. I don't like having my privacy being violated. "Big Brother" doesn't need to know my physical state, my mental state or medical status. They just don't. Yet this is exactly what "Big Brother" wants. I feel like I'm losing control of my own well being....and that's scary. Maybe this is why this is the most dreaded time of the year for me. I do hate having to relinquish control to a third party who will do God knows what with my personal information. Yet I know that some of my personal information is already out there ripe for the picking and there is not one thing I can do about it.

I do long for the days when you had a good paying job, and you didn't have to worry about someone stealing your identity. It is way too easy to do nowadays....no matter what anyone says. You can only do so much to protect it. Paper is still the best way, if you're really careful, to secure your personal information. Too many eyes see it electronically despite the assurances of encryption.

I hope for a better tomorrow, even as I struggle to pay my taxes and give Uncle Sam his due.

Fighting against time

I haven't been feeling well lately. Actually I've been struggling to do much of anything. You can say that I'm fighting against time and dwindling resources. Yet I have also been fighting against the perceptions of people that feel that I've given up. I haven't. They just don't realize how hard it is....and they won't until they are in the same situation I'm in now.

I have decided that I'm not going to dwell on my current state which is growing worse. Instead I'll focus on achieving some goals that I've set for myself. My biggest goal, of course, is to find a sustainable position that will both utilize my writing skills and make me enough money to support myself and my family. I have in the past month or so, gone in a different direction with my job search. I decided to see if I can't work for myself and contract myself out to various companies. I know I did try this last year, and have helped a lot of people, but am still struggling to find work that I can do. I don't like having to quit a job, as it leaves a bad taste in both my mouth and my former employers' mouth.

I know that part of my problem is my inability to focus on one thing and my lack of verbal skills. I am a good writer, but it just doesn't translate into my voice very well.

Waiting for Spring and the new life it brings

I was thinking about the Flower Show this week. It's coming to the Convention Center next week, but I won't be able to go. It's just too darn expensive even though I do enjoy seeing all the floral displays. For some, it is the first inkling that spring is just around the corner. This winter has been particularly harsh. I've been stuck in the house a few days, shoveled snow more times than I can count and walked very carefully on ice covered sidewalks. I do thank God that I didn't have to go to work. Yet I still long for a new position...something that will help support me, and that I'll enjoy doing.

I wait for spring, hoping for a new life and a change from the worry and fear that has trapped me for so long. I know some of you out there also yearn for that change. You long to drop the dirty rags of sin and doubt that have sapped your strength. You may feel that there is no way out, no one who really sees you. I can tell you that I know that feeling. I felt it myself. There is a way out. I found it in the Lord Jesus Christ. He has led me and continues to lead me through this dark valley. My eyes have been opened to the suffering around me. Some days I do feel helpless until I realize that God does provide for me. He hasn't left me alone...I can wait knowing that some day I will see him face to face...and thank him personally for his sacrifice for me. He has given me a new life.

Fighting against both race and age discrimination

I was on the trolley coming home this afternoon when two thirty year old (I think) black men starting talking about how all the white people are either pedophiles or drug addicts. I was saddened because they were stereotyping white people just as surely as white people are said to stereotype black people. Not all white people are pedophiles and/or drug addicts, neither are all black people pedophiles and/or drug addicts. When we get to the point where we say...."When we were in our all black neighborhood, things didn't happen like they're happening now...We had discipline, and children respected their parents...or when we were in our all white neighborhood, things didn't happen like they're happening now...We had discipline, and children respected their parents. I got a news flash for you. It's not because the neighborhoods have integrated just like the schools have, that we have the problems we have now. It's because we as a nation have turned our collective backs from God. We took him out of our schools in 1963, and have been filling our children and for some of us our grandchildren with garbage.

Yes, I am showing my age when I say that I long for the times when you could walk safely down the street without worrying about being attacked. I long for the days when everyone who wanted a job could get one and be able to contribute something to society. Part of the reason why things are so messed up is that there are no viable jobs out there that a person can do and feel that they accomplished something with their life. I know there are jobs out there, but I long for the jobs that are no longer there because automation has taken over them. I long for those jobs that showed a person's skill, and that a person could be an apprentice for and have that job for life. Maybe I am old fashioned to yearn for the days when the computer didn't rule our lives...even though it has created tremendous opportunity as well.

I do fight both against race and age discrimination daily as most business have to meet a quota of people of a certain race and age. It just doesn't seem fair.

Struggling against the twin forces of time and space

 You may think that this is a strange title for a post. Yet we all do struggle against time and space in some way or another. For everyone that has been following my saga of struggling to find gainful employment, time is a huge factor. I have been trying to work past my introvert tenancy of keeping to myself and not reaching out to others. It is difficult to expose yourself to the World Wide Web hoping that no one will steal your identity and defame your good name. It is also difficult to find the space you need to work.

Recently I decided to work on starting my own business. One of the biggest obstacles I have is finding space to work in. The space has to be quiet and free of distraction. It has to have the resources I need to do the work. Then there is the factor of time. You have to schedule your time or else you get caught up in stuff you really shouldn't be doing. Anyone who has thought about starting their own business runs across this. How do you find the time?

Research does take a lot of time. You have to decide what services you are going to provide, your target audience and how you are going to provide those services. Setting rates for various services and building clients is all part of growing a business. I know this. I also know that I am a long way from learning all the "ins and outs" of starting a business. I am still looking for someone to help me out here.

Facing fears of being homeless and unemployable is my first step out of the quagmire I find myself in. I have to tell myself daily that the Lord will provide shelter for me, and that I'm not unemployable. I am admittedly impatient to find the right position for my skills and experience that will utilize the skills I've acquired over the years. I am not, like the media would like people to believe, willing to take handouts from the government and not work for them. I am not a bum. I want to work. I just have to get the right person's ear that is willing to give me a chance.

Letting Go and Listening to Others

It is definitely hard to let go of things once you have had your mind set on them. You tell yourself that it will be okay, that you need to let some things go....but it's not easy. For instance I started this week to sign up for work that I can do remotely from my computer. I'm realizing that it may not happen that I get one of those 9 to 5 jobs anymore. I'm also realizing that I'm not comfortable anymore with the corporate life...and I probably never really was. I still would take one if offered, but my last and most recent experience has soured me.

I know I need at least one revenue stream soon. I can't keep going the way I am, fruitlessly searching the Internet for work. I need to be proactive and reach out to others if I'm going to get any revenue coming in. I need to find someone who knows what I'm going through and can direct me to where I should go from here.

Listening to what others have gone through would help me immensely to see what my goals are for this year and how I can tap revenue streams for both the society I'm running and for myself.

The first thing I need to do is stop listening to the negative press about how hard it is for someone like me to find work. I know what my obstacles are to gainful employment and I am currently researching other opportunities to gain revenue by either starting my own business or contracting myself out to companies in the area during what I do best which is document management.

My hardest struggle is trying not to resist advice that I don't want to follow but need to follow. It is very difficult at times for me to expose myself to the world. Yet this is the one thing I need to do in order to promote my services to the outside world.

Have I given up or am I just too tired to fight anymore?

I have been asking myself this question while lying in bed suffering from a cold. Sometimes I think it's that I've just given up. Other times I think it's that I'm too tired to fight anymore. I have struggled to make sense of things, weighing the options and trying to see the big picture. I could give myself an "out" now. I have been pushing myself lately trying to fit in and not succeeding. Then I punish myself when I feel I can't do it anymore.

Is it wrong to want to walk away from it all? I do want to walk away, but I don't. Instead I continue to dream. I know God has something planned for me. I want to be ready to receive what he has for me. Yet I'm also frightened by the unknown. What if I fail again? Would I be willing to pick myself up and start over? I know that is what I really need to start thinking about now. Holding a pity party is not going to help me or anyone else. I need to emphasize my strengths, not my weaknesses. I need to grab opportunities and not wait for them to come to me. I need to deal with threats head on....even when I feel I can't move on.

I don't have time to wallow. I don't have time to get depressed and not do anything. I do have to fight the time wasters in my life...those things that suck the life out of me. I need a plan of action. I need to get back in there and fight.

Stepping forward to face the New Year....a few weeks late

I've had some time over the past few weeks to reassess where my career is going.as I regroup after the loss of yet another job. I know that I need to step forward and face my dwindling finances due to the limited opportunities I've had to work. I also know that I have to stop this "pity party" that I've allowed myself to have. It's not helping. It's actually hurting me and no one else.

I took a brave step today and signed on to a freelance site. I don't know what will happen with it. I just know that I'm not getting anywhere "spinning my wheels" hoping for that elusive administrative assistant job. They are just not out there for me, and the fact is that I'm not sure I want to go back to the corporate "rat race" either.

Pressure is on me to do something...yet I've already made two bad choices in regards to my current job search. I am finding that I really do have to find out about the company culture before accepting the job. This is key...because if you hate where you're working....you're not going to last long. I didn't.

So what do I do now? Continue to press forward with my research....finding both for profit and non-profit companies I can work with...and try out this freelancing stuff. Who knows? Maybe I'll find my niche with it.

Pushing Forward and Researching Prospects

First week of moving forward with two projects that may or may not pan out. As I may have mentioned in this blog, I am finding that my tendency now is to look at what I call "time wasters" and not at the whole picture. When I do weigh in the human factor, I find that most organizations have a tendency to either overwork the poor souls left in the company or give them meaningless work just to keep them on the payroll. Most organizations also are fiercely protective of their brand, their processes and the bottom line. Even though the people within the organization pride themselves in their workers, some don't really value them.

Analyzing workflow often reveals the importance an organization places on their workers. Do they allow them breaks? What are the time restraints and what tools does a person have to meet deadlines? Time wasters are those tasks done to no one's benefit. They could be printing and storing reports that no one reads or re scanning material that should already be in the system. One of the things that I noticed that I can do is analyze workflow, particularly document management workflow, to see if there are any flaws, improvements and/or breaches in the current workflow. I am now researching prospects to see if there are companies interested in an outsider analysis of their current processes-specifically document management processes with an emphasis on cost containment and productivity analysis.

Resolving issues with connecting one group to another group in regards to both historical resources and sites is the second project. I am finding that there are connection issues that are now being resolved, but more needs to be done. Time is unfortunately running out with this project as the one group's members are disappearing and the other group's members are becoming more and more alienated from the core due to a number of factors. There has to be a "marriage" of sorts between the old and new technology to reach the latter group before its too late. So I'm pushing forward and researching what I can do, what resources I'll have available and reaching out to others.

A New Year, A New Challenge

Yes, I finally "bit the bullet" and let my supervisor know what was going on. The result was very predictable. I was told that there was nothing they could do and offered to "let me go." I accepted. There was nothing else I could do. So now my challenge is to find that elusive job that utilizes the skills and abilities that I have acquired over the past almost two years that I haven't had gainful employment. The very first thing is to stop the negative "I just wasn't good enough" charade right now. I did an adequate job, but it just wasn't something I wanted to do for a long period of time.

I also know now what industries I don't want to get involved with any longer. Insurance and telemarketing companies...both bad news as far as I'm concerned. This still leaves quite a few industries I might want to try my hand in. There is the sad but true fact that I'm still in a financial crisis with no money coming in. I can't dwell on it though. I must take up the challenge of exploring my options and praying for something to come along that will engage me enough to want to work full time.

I can't believe that there are only part time jobs available for someone like me. I refuse to believe that, even though this is what I've been getting the past two times.