Week Seven-Frustration Sets In

You think I would have expected it to happen. That dreaded rejection letter came in the mail. I knew it would. Employers are getting very personal now, asking the question "Have you or anyone in your family received food stamps in the past six months?" Ouch! I wonder what they mean by this. It's very upsetting to be discriminated because I broke down and applied for welfare.

You'd think that people like me weren't good enough for them. It really hurts. I'm frustrated because I need work. I really do. I'm just not at the point where I want to work in a dangerous, dirty situation. Yet the perception is there. I want to scream but just don't have the strength.

I'm not sure what to do now. I feel worn and depressed. Lord, can't you see me? I sometimes wonder as I look around. Lord, can't you see your suffering children? I know you do. It sometimes is so hard to keep moving when all you want to do is hide away.

I can't help thinking about the many who are just like me....taking welfare and pursuing an employment dream. I don't want to take a job I hate...and I'm not even sure they will take me anyway. There are still too many people that are younger and more eager to take those jobs. Where does that leave me? What can I do to alleviate this suffering?

I pray daily for some relief. I thank God for what he has given me. Yet I long for more. I long to be able to tell my mother that she can have what she needs to have done for her health and sanity's sake. I can see that some things will never be right for her. Her bitter spirit is sapping my strength. What does she have to be bitter about....I ask....realizing that I could be in the same boat if I had to deal with what she's dealing with now.

I can't let frustration get the best of me. I have to move forward.

Week Six-In the Wastelands

Another pretty rough week last week with no one calling or emailing me for interviews, but a couple of rejection letters. I do feel like I'm in the wastelands. I don't know what to do. Waiting for something to happen when you're out of money is difficult.

I can be thankful that my family is adjusting to the lack of money right now. I can be thankful that i still have shelter and food. I can be thankful that I'm in relatively good health, even though others in the family aren't doing as well.

Communication is key. I know that, but the problem is that there is just too much competition. I am being buried by those that are smarter and younger than I am. It is not enough to know the basics anymore. It just seems like employers are asking too much and expecting too much. They can afford to be choosy. They are not worried about whether or not they'll have a place to stay.

Our country is in the wastelands too. More and more are accepting a real gross way of life and forcing others to follow them into the pit. None understand what they are getting themselves into by accepting such gross behavior. I'm sorry. I can't accept it.

Maybe that is the reason why I'm still in my present state of crisis. I can't embrace that lifestyle. I shouldn't have to be afraid that some pervert will expose himself in the ladies room. I don't want to think about all the depravity that is going on and the wholesale worship of Satan. They hate us. They want to put fear in our hearts and turn everyone against us.

I know that is my paranoia talking....thinking that people are against me...when what they really hate is Jesus Christ. They don't want to be reminded that the USA was once a Christian nation. They don't want to acknowledge that God guided this country and made it great. We turned our collective backs by electing and supporting officials who blatantly confessed their amoral behavior and supported evil practices.

I know that God's judgment is coming for this nation and for all the nations of the world. It has been written and foretold long ago. I do believe that there was a death in 2008....a death of Christian values and beliefs. I know what you may be thinking.  You're thinking that the death had come a lot earlier. Maybe in some ways it had...once we accept sin a proper behavior and start calling moral and upright behavior bad...then we've fallen down a slippery slope.

We are in the wastelands. Technology in some ways has sucked up our collective ability to reason and think for ourselves. I admittedly depend on it way more than is good for me. In some important ways it has opened up new horizons for me. In other important ways it has barred me from meaningful work.

Can we get back that innocence and embrace the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob? I fear not. Yet God's grace is still here. We need not worry or fear. Thank you, Lord for that grace.

Week Five-Trying to Concentrate on the Good Stuff

This week hasn't been as bad as the other weeks. I guess I'm getting used to being on welfare. I have been on another interview last week, so maybe something will break soon. I know I don't want to continue on this downward path any longer.

I am also realizing that I am going to have to be more persistant about my needs. I know that I'm going to have to do some "cold calling" as well. I do appreciate everything that is happening with the celebration that I'm working on with a group of other people. I just wish that someone would see my work and want to hire me.

Am I being pushy? I sometimes feel that way. I definitely feel like I am pushing way out of my comfort zone. It is difficult to concentrate on the good stuff when I feel this uncomfortable.

Yet if I don't...then who will? Lord, I acknowledge that you are Lord of All. I put my life in your hands. Help me to know when to push and when to back away. Give me wisdom and strength to face the days ahead. Help me to find the right job for me.

You are good to me, Lord. You bring good things to my life. You hold me in your hands. I will concentrate on the good, instead of worrying about the evil. I know that you have a great plan for my life. I am your servant. Forgive my doubts and fears.

Week Four-Feeling Stressed Out

I am thankful that the "log jam" that seemingly prevented me from getting interviews has broken. I've had over half a dozen interviews since January after over a year of just one or two interviews. I had one last week and one this week. I am hopeful that I will find something very soon. I have to. Money is definitely running out.

I am a bit stressed out. Maybe it is because I've stepped way out of my comfort zone with the 125th anniversary committee and with the society. It's not easy. The job market embraces those who are willing to put themselves out there, but frowns on those who aren't willing or able to do it. It just doesn't seem fair.

I am glad for the many friends and family that are willing to stand in the gap with me. I know I've touched a nerve with my persistance and tenacity. Am I willing to put it all out there? I don't know. I'm nervous about how things will look or that I will say the wrong thing.

I am a child of the King. I have to keep saying this. He knows what I'm going through now. He knows everything about me. I just have to wait on him and his leading. Lord, I admit that I am scared. I admit that I feel uptight when I shouldn't be. I admit that sometimes I let fear and doubt overwhelm me until I can't even think straight.

Lord, please help me be the person you want me to be and do the things you want me to do. Give me the strength to face each day and help me find meaningful work.