This week I have been in a sort of holding pattern. I've done some soul searching about where my life is heading. I know I don't want to go back to the unfeeling and selfish person I was when my parents were alive. I do still have a tendency to act in my own self interest. I also find it difficult to see things in a different light.
I guess that is the reason for the holding pattern. There are some things that I desire. There are some things that I need. Then there are the responsibilities that I have taken on that I've neglected lately. Some may say that I'm still grieving, that I really haven't gotten over the losses. Yes, in some ways I am still grieving, but it is definitely not as strong as it was a year ago.
The thing is that there are so many negative images that are pressing down right now. It makes it hard to move forward. My eyes have been open to seeing the world in a different light. The ugliness of it all stops me in my tracks. I can't seem to move past it.
I know the best thing for me to do is to continue to trust the Lord for all things. Yet so many times my faith wavers to the point where I start doubting the words I read in the Bible. I do have to stop listening to the voices that tell me that I'm doomed or lead me astray from the Lord. It isn't easy.
There are some days when I do feel that the Lord couldn't possibly want me. I feel inadequate and unable to do the tasks set before me. The holding pattern bars me from feeling anything. Yet I have to hope that some day soon everything will make sense, and I'll get out of this holding pattern. That day can't come soon enough.
I see the human desire to grab at the pretty packages only to discover they have turned to dust. The Lord knows I do long to make a difference in someone's life. The feeling that washes over me when I realize that I actually helped someone else is priceless. I do see the world in a different light now that I'm an orphan. I'm learning that I don't have to be alone. If I can share God's love with someone else knowing that they will spread that love to others, well that too is priceless.
The day will come when I will meet Jesus face to face. Right now the thought terrifies and excites me at the same time. It terrifies me because I know that I can't stand and face him by myself. It excites me because I know that I don't have to, that there will be others standing beside him. I know that by myself I falter and fall. When I'm lifted up though surrounded by my fellow believers, I can stand and face Jesus. They will be my testimony of my faithfulness and witness of my devotion to Jesus.
I do look forward to that day. Jesus knows and loves me. He understands my need to be surrounded by those who love me. Then I will definitely see the world in a different light.
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