A Week In Time: Pushing My Way Forward Through the Pain

Everyone said that the real pain wouldn't hit until this week. In some ways they were right. It has been very hard to get past seeing his handwriting on the papers I've thrown out. It has also been difficult at times to grasp that he is gone. There is a big hole in my heart.

I am pushing my way forward through the pain. I realize that I do have two people that are depending on me to be strong for them. I know I can't shirk my duties or hide in a corner until the pain passes. I have to keep moving.

I have been blessed though with the many messages I received online. It has been eye-opening to realize how many people really seem to care about me. Sometimes I feel unworthy of that attention. I have been on autopilot for so long that it is only now that things are starting to break. It isn't easy. I still want to scream but I hold it in.

Everyone goes through the grief process differently. I watch my mom and know that even though she is not openly weeping, her loss overwhelms her. I don't know how to answer people anymore about how she is doing. I don't know. I think in some ways she is still processing the fact that he's gone. She also feels that it was a blessing that he didn't die at home. There was a fear that it would happen. I didn't want that to happen either.

I still don't know what the future holds for me. I am currently deeply involved in my community with the society. We're at a crossroads. It does seem that whatever is going to happen will happen in August. This time of the year, unfortunately, has been one that has seen a lot of changes. I remember clearly when two of the officers resigned. It was painful then. What will this August bring? Only the Lord knows...