Reflections on Passion Week

When I reflect on Passion week, my mind automatically goes to what Jesus must have gone through during this last week before his sacrifice. What could he have felt when it seemed as if no one understood the meaning of what he had been chosen to do? How many times have we forgotten the reasons why he came to Earth...I know that I still have some ways to go before I feel that I'm fit to be in his kingdom. Yet the beauty of it is that I don't have to be perfect....In fact God accepted me and loved me while I was a sinner. It still amazes me.

I know that it is so easy to forget and go about a normal routine without thought. My senses were jarred recently when I took stock in what I was doing. I realized that in some profound ways I have grown. In other ways I am still struggling.

Jesus struggled too....He knows my struggles. I can come to him and confess my sins. I am saddened when I do see and hear the Scripture being butchered on television. I ache because the word is being distorted by those who want to profit from lies. I think about the lies told in the Passion story...lies that were revealed in time...

I rejoice in the risen Savior....Jesus Christ.

Stuck between two extremes

I've grown frustrated lately with all the barriers I have in regards to getting work. It is not easy to discipline yourself to make those calls, write that resume and compose that letter. Some days it seems impossible. I am stuck between two extremes....the longing for a normal 9 to 5 stable job that will support me and the reality that those jobs are disappearing fast. It hasn't been by choice that I ventured into the world of self-employment. I struggled for a long time...too long to play the game of finding that elusive job...that I just decided to stop. Yes, some would say that I've given up.

I am again being pressured to find some way to get money in. For my parents and those of the older generations, that means going to work every day and putting in my eight hours with a promise that I would in the end be able to retire with a nest egg. Yes, I do know that I need to support myself better. I can work as hard as I can on the computer, trying in vain to reach out to voiceless computers that evaluate you on a set series of keywords or I can reach out to others the old fashioned way.

I can admit that going back to a time where there was no computers sounds very appealing to me at times. Technology has taken a lot of work away from hard working people...and has made life better for some of those same people. It is ironic that there are good things happening with computers even when those very same things destroy the uniqueness of a person.

Even our healthcare is being regulated by computers....for those of you who follow End Times prophecy...they know what this means.

Trying to Come to Grip With Change

This week has been one of those "up and down" weeks. Some days I've felt the warm sun of God's love on my face and knew that I was following him. Other days I've seen the dark clouds of oppression and fear. I know God is with me. Sometimes it is hard to remain upbeat when it seems as if everything is falling apart in front of you. I have been trying to come to grip with change. Change is so hard.

Yes, I can see a very dismal future ahead of me. I know that if I focus on the bad stuff, then that very dismal future will become a reality. No, I can't see the beautiful promises that the Lord has for me. At least I can't until I put my hand out and trust him for my future. I've had to practice really hard today to remain positive that things will change for the better for me. Very tiny slits of light are beginning to light my path ahead. I have to hold on to them or sink beneath the waves of despair.

It is hard when you see the defeat on the faces of those you love. You know that they too are struggling to come to grips with growing old and appending death. I have no comfort to share with them, no solid reference for them to hold onto with both hands....I only have the One who has stayed beside me. I only know of his sacrifice for me. I rejoice that someday Death will be swallowed up in victory. Is it selfish to long for his return to redeem us? Is it foolish to cling to the hope that he loves me and wants the best for me?

Yes, I do still have a difficult time accepting change. It is hard to accept that someday soon the life I'm now living will be only a distant memory. Can I accept that the Lord has a plan for my life? Yes. I just have to be patient and wait on his leading.

A New Beginning-Creating A flower garden out of a dump

I'm feeling a lot better about myself this week. Lord has been good to me. He has continued to provide even when I felt unworthy of his notice. I can breathe and image the beautiful flowers in the garden. I can get excited about exploring new and old sites. It is a new beginning for me. The winter of my soul is quickly vanishing into a glorious spring.

I know there are still obstacles in my way. I can see them in the distance, yet I know the Lord is with me. He is my provider, my healer and my savior. I rejoice in all that he has given me. Yes, there is still some rain....I hear it. I know that the rain washes away the dirt. I need that washing. I need that clean heart. I've made some bad decisions.

I pray that the Lord renews my heart. I feel compelled to reach out to others. I observe everything that is going on.

Will I maintain this freedom of thought? I don't know. It is the "I" that gets me down. It's when I start thinking about myself that I get into trouble. I know this, but it is difficult not to think of yourself. It is the person staring at you in the mirror. You can't get away from him or her.

Positive thoughts create rainbows of change. I want to be an agent of change. So I'll start on this new beginning by learning something new every day.

Long Term Unemployment and How it affects you

Lately I have been struggling with depression. I know why. Even though I do have a job, I still have this feeling that I'm not accomplishing anything. Maybe it's because no one I know feels that what I do is work. Maybe it's because my work is "for hire" and I haven't been able to get myself out there yet. I'm not sure how to shake it. The "blue" feeling covers everything and every situation, even the good ones.

Long term unemployment does rob you of self esteem. You are damaged goods in the eyes of the world. Some times it's quite easy to think about ending it all. You pull away from family and friends because it's too hard to hear their taunting words and to see their accusing stares. They don't understand. It has been too long since you've heard an encouraging word. Everyone tells you that you should just "take anything"....that having a job is better than what you're going through now. They are not listening. You have to admit that you stopped listening too.

It's almost like being stuck in a big bowl of taffy, unable to get free and suffocating from the pressures well meaning people put you under on a daily basis. I have to admit if I let myself dwell on my current situation that I'd just as soon end it all. I can't do that. It just wouldn't be right, but I can understand the temptation to do it. It is very real.

The only resolution to this is to have full time employment that fills my need and supports me. I'm still searching for that now....as I remember what someone said..."endure or die." Yes, I may just die...but it will be on God's time...not mine.