Facing down the "tiger" of depression and dissolution

I have a feeling that something is going to break for me soon. I've had to face my greatest fears lately, one of them being the prospect of being homeless. I've also had to watch the slow deterioration of my loved ones knowing that I really couldn't do anything about it. Most of us from time to time have had to face those "tigers"....You know the ones. The voices that tell you that you should just quit, lay down and die. I am reminded of Job's wife when she told Job to do just that. Job didn't pay attention to her. He wasn't about to start blaming God for his predicament..I know I shouldn't either.

Yes, I have known the feeling of dissolution when I see what is currently happening all around me. I understand the anger and frustration all too well. They are "tigers" too. They spring when you least expect it and don't let go. We can learn a lot from the animal kingdom in the way they fight for survival.

I know God isn't going to let me go. I know that he has something big planned for me. I pray that I'm equal to the tasks God puts before me and I praise him for everything he has given me. I have no reason to complain or to wallow in a pit of despair. I need to face down that tiger that leads to depression in the power God has given me. I know that I can't do it in my own strength.

Lord is my anchor and my shield. With him everything is possible, without him nothing is possible.

Putting it all together while trying to remain sane

As many of you know who have been following my posts, I have been unemployed for a year and half now. Circumstances beyond my control forced me out of my last position, and unfortunately forced out a number of my co-workers as well. Some days it is extremely difficult to remain sane while dealing with all the obstacles that have blocked my path towards gainful employment. I can justify this gap. I have been working steadily since April 2012 on Collingdale History. I have published a book on Collingdale in November, and started a blog called "Collingdale History Project" in May 2012...partly to promote the book and partly to get the information I couldn't get in the book out there. At one of the book signings, someone mentioned having a museum in the borough. This triggered the thought of having a historical society.

I was, by the time January rolled around, ready to change up my job search strategy. So the idea of having a historical society sounded like the perfect solution for me. I would research colleges and universities for history courses, connect with a couple of professors at the local colleges and connect with the Pennsylvania Historical Commission. I made many good contacts, but no job leads. It did frustrate me at first. I was, and still am desperate for work. I then realized the tremendous need there is for people to discover and dig up the history of Delaware County. The people that are doing it now need help. They have done a tremendous job, and the fact of the matter is that they all have a passion for it....if they didn't...than they wouldn't be doing it because it is all volunteer work.

I am still in the process of putting this all together and trying to find if there are any job opportunities for me in this field. I haven't found any yet, and that too is frustrating. So, I concentrate on putting together the History Day and hope that there is a good response to it.

Scary thoughts, and how to deal with them

Yep....I've been kicking around these negative thoughts for far too long. They are dragging me down and making my life miserable.How do I deal with them? I have asked myself that question this past week when I felt the world crashing all around me. First I repeat to myself over and over that God is in control. It helps. I then refocus, taking my eyes away from the evil that threatens to undo me. I refocus on the good...which is still there. It's in the face of a baby girl who smiles at you when you push her on the swing. It's in the laughter of children ringing through the air. Yes I still have those scary thoughts about what I'm going to do now that there's no money coming in. God knows this. He knows what I need. I just have to keep trusting him to provide.

Some days I do want to hide. I am very tired of fruitlessly searching for that elusive job and competing against thousands. I want to scream, but I don't have the strength. Then I realize that I am working. I just not getting paid for it. I have about 3 or 4 projects running right now. I know that there is a good reason why I'm still "pounding the pavement" after all this time. It's because I needed to be free to work on these projects which are very important to the preservation of the past and for the education of the young. I do have some goals, both short and long term, that I'm setting out to accomplish. Some would say that I'm doing it so I can show an employer that I haven't been sitting on my hands collecting unemployment. Yes, that is part of it.

You always have to justify your time. It isn't enough to say that you have been actively job searching....and only an idiot would say that they haven't been. I am still fighting against time. I really don't know how much time I do have before things get really dicey for me. I cherish the time I have now. I embrace my supporters and cheerleaders who see my struggle and want to help. Some do, but unfortunately some just make my situation worse.

I know I have to deal with them. It's hard to tell them that they are the source of my scary thoughts. They have closed their ears. They don't understand. I grit my teeth when they open their mouths. I am reminded of Job's three friends. They didn't understand either. They sprouted empty words and made Job's situation ten times worse. Yet, like Job, I forgive them.

It's a see-saw life...One minute you're up, the next you're down

Yes, I admit that I'm really struggling. I know my Mom is trying to help, but she's only making things worse. I want to work. Every day I do one thing that will push forward my efforts to find that elusive job before "night" falls. Time is pressing....I have only a few more weeks before I have to start taking a desperation job. Everyone knows what they are....those are the jobs you hate doing, but they are the only ones available for someone whose has been away from the job market for too long. It isn't fair, yet I can see why an employer wouldn't want to take a chance on me. I'm a risk.

It does "tear me up" at times...and I can understand why some can't handle the enormous stress that the long term unemployed face on a daily basis. Hearing conflicting reports on the job market doesn't help. You start feeling guilty that you are putting the people you love through it. Some, again understandably, consider ending it all...which in some strange sense would eliminate some of issues...but not all. Whenever I get to this point, and I admit that I have. I think about the people that still depend on me and would be devastated by the loss. I also realize that God has a plan for my life, and it would be foolishly stupid to "end it all" no matter how bad it gets.

Yet, in the midst of this ongoing struggle to find work, there are small victories. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel. I can feel the support and encouragement of the people around me. I know God is working through me, even when it seems as if I'm spiraling down in the depths of destitution and despair. I hold onto the fact that God is sustaining me and will sustain me through this trial. I will be stronger and better able to serve those around me when they see how I leaned on God for his strength and not my own.