Waiting for the End and a New Beginning

I spent the last four days reflecting on my current situation at work and the changes made by those who hadn't a clue what their words would do. I wanted to deny their impact on my world, but I couldn't. At this time of year, the words were potent to the coming storm of changes that threaten to wreck my sanity. I can't let them, I told myself.

Words are powerful. They bring light into the world. Most reject that light. They tell themselves that nothing had changed. They are waiting, as most of the world is, for the End. For most this means the end of everything. Can I deny this any longer? No, I can't deny the light...nor can I reject the light. I must embrace the light.

I sense that this is a hard thing to do. No one likes to embrace the blinding light that shows them for what they are. Instead they prefer to keep in the dark, hiding from the truth. They cringe at the thought of a New Beginning....Yet every year around this time, there is a sense that next year will be better. They want that New Beginnings. If I were honest with myself, I would want it too.

A Rocky week or Learning to lean

I had a rocky week last week. I wanted to scream but just didn't have the energy to do so. You're supposed to be happy, I told myself, but what is happiness anyway? It's fleeting. It disappears the moment your circumstances change. My stomach is still churning from all the changes. They tell you that they are good changes and that you should "buck up" and accept them. Your mind and heart reject them. You long for stability and reliability. You get neither. Instead everyone seems to have their head in the sand waiting for someone else to make the first move.

Just about this time, you realize that your resources are gone. You have to learn to lean on the one who made the stars. It is a freeing thought. You ponder anew at his amazing love and wonder why he sacrificed his son for us. "Was it all worth it?" I can image that he smiles and tells me, "Yes, it was all worth it."

I have to agree. The trials I'm going through now are worth it, if one person sees the Lord through me and the way I handle crisis. I am like everyone else though. I don't like going through the crisis even though I know that it's making me a better person. I much rather coast through life....but wouldn't that be boring. Maybe all this change will be good for me. I have to keep telling myself that even when my current circumstances don't make me feel that way.

Flying high and falling flat

Have you ever experienced the feeling of flying high above the troubles of the world? You forget everything and see the world as if it were a tiny speck. Sometimes when the world lays you low and you feel as if you're falling flat on your face, you reach for those moments. Those moments of high emotions are fleeting thankfully. Most days are ordinary. You walk through them, little realizing the simple things that strike you in a moment's time.

Especially this time of year, I notice more as I watch the children's faces light up with joy. They don't get sucked in by the commercialism, as some would have you believe. Being a child is discovering love in the simple caress. It doesn't take much. All it does take is time.

Time is a gift. Each moment holds its own joy. We choose whether or not to squander or save the time. It is funny how some moments are thrust upon you, while others sneak up on you unexpectedly. I know it's hard to embrace the changes that threaten to rock your world. That's why I'm thankful that God never changes. He is faithful even when we are not. I marvel at his perfect timing.

Remembering Pearl Harbor

A day that will live in infamy. That was what President Franklin Roosevelt said that Sunday when the world seemed to collapse all around us. I wasn't born then, and my father was only a little boy at the time...yet memories of that long ago day often resurface especially today. Some compare what happened September 11, 2001 to that day, but I feel that there is no comparison. Those of us who actually visited the site where the ships went down know what I mean. Those that visited the World Trade Center site also know. Comparing the two tragedies is wrong.

Instead, now that we know a lot more about what happened both at Pearl Harbor and in New York that horrible day, we can see the differences very clearly. Yes, people did rally around the flag both times, but unfortunately the glaring difference is that we had no real enemy to focus on when the attacks on 9/11 happened. We did in 1941. We had Japan. What happened next made us stronger and weaker at the same time. Stronger because we went to the aid of those who needed us, and weaker because we punished those we shouldn't have because of their nationality.

I was stationed at Hickam back in the 1980s and heard the stories of the Japanese air raid which shot up the barracks. The bullet holes were still there when I was stationed there, but am not sure if that holds for today. I thought a lot about what I heard as I walked the old flight line on my way to work at night. I imagined I heard the ghosts of the people who died that horrible day. I know what they would say, at least I think I know. "I expected to die for my country. I took an oath to defend her and I did." The poor souls of 9/11 were all civilians, and I'm sure wouldn't have said that. We can remember both, but we should also remember that those servicemen didn't die in vain. Unfortunately we can't say the same for the people who died September 11, 2001 as much as we would like to believe that.

Trials & Tribulations-Leaning on God through tough times

Time weighs heavy on my mind when I think of all the time wasted waiting for something to happen. I try to understand why everything seems to be falling apart around me. I struggle to make myself heard above the din of everyday life. I ache for those that are "drowning" in a sea of despair waiting for a lifeline. Will I be that lifeline? No, I won't. I can't do it by myself. I have to lean on God. I know that only he can see me through these trials and tribulations.

It's hard waiting. You want to do something, anything to pass the heavy burden that seems to weigh you down. Wasted time and energy sap your strength. You wonder will anything ever be the same again. Tightly you close your eyes against the ugly images that want to claim your sanity. You know the devils of this world want to lead you away. They whisper in your ear that you are worthless and alone, when you know you're not either.

Lift up your head, see your salvation coming in the form of a small baby born in a lowly manger. Wow! With God, nothing is impossible. Without him, nothing is possible.

Much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving

I got a wake up call last week. I didn't want to accept what was happening, nor did I want to believe it. I should have. Frankly I should have seen it coming in June when they first told me of the changes. I wanted to scream then. Maybe I should have. Instead I accepted it. What you may ask am I accepting? I am accepting the fact that men and women are evil and selfish. I know that is human nature. We assume that everything is ours for the taking. We assume that everything is going to remain the same. It doesn't.

Yet I do have much to be thankful for, as I reflect on the implosion of the world around me. You might think I'm being harsh with my wording. I know that just how I felt when everything seemed to explode in my face last week....not literally, but figuratively. I can be thankful that I still have a job, even though right now things are rather precarious. I can be thankful that there is still food on my table, shelter for my body, heat, electricity and running water. I can be thankful that for now I have freedom of speech and control over my own body....that could change with new healthcare legislation. Most of all I can be thankful that through it all God is in control.

Bountiful Blessings-Keeping Positive in Bad Times

I got a rueful reminder today of what it means to be thankful for what you have. Once I realized what was happening, I had to step back and reassess everything. It's funny but not so funny when you realize that the world in which you settled in has suddenly changed. The only thing that keeps you going is knowing that there are people around you that are going through the same upheaval.

There are, I have to tell myself at times like these, bountiful blessings all around me. There are many things to be thankful for and rejoice in the Lord for...like having a roof over my head, food on my table and family that loves and supports me. I know I was a little rough with my last blog, but admittedly who hasn't felt that way about receptions. I want to, however, say that my niece is happily married to the man she loves and I don't think anything will change.

My heart still aches. I still struggle with circumstances that seem to loom in front of me. I know that some people think I'm too sensitive, or I should have a thicker skin. I can't. Instead I will continue to rely on the Lord for he is in control. I will tell myself that I can't let it get to me. I have to remain positive even when it seems as if the negative will overrun and overtake me. I won't lie. It isn't easy. It is hard. You want to scream, but you hold it in.

Yet, I can praise God even though this rough patch on the road of life. I can thank God for bringing people into my life, and I can pray for those that need it. Lord, thank you for allowing me to be your witness and for the bountiful blessings you bestow on me from day to day.

Post Wedding Blues-I'm getting too old for this!!!

My niece got married last Friday. It was a beautiful wedding, but the reception left much to be desired. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not even a teetotaler. I don't drink...period. Yet, that's what the whole reception was geared towards. I keep remembering my cousins, and how they used to...and probably still do...drink. Yes, I know the all the reasons behind it. I also know that it ruined my outlook on the marriage...not that I'm against it. Marriage is a beautiful commitment between two people that love each other.

I have to question the motivation when it seems like as soon as you arrive at the reception you are almost expected to get liquored up. My impression remained bad as the night deteriorated and the music (noise) got louder and louder. Finally I just left. I couldn't take it anymore.

Unfortunately I didn't get any wedding case as it was 9 pm when I left and they were just getting around to almost serving dessert! I'm getting too old for this travesty and long for the days when everyone could dance to the nice, soft music or the silly songs of my youth that they used to play at weddings. I am dating myself when I say that I remember the "Electric slide" and the "Funky chicken." Those were and still are fun songs that even the littlest can enjoy.

Maybe I am an old fogey or just set in my ways. I hate the electronic noise the young call music. It depresses me, and makes me sad for the young couple.

All Saints Day

Today is the day to reflect on those who have gone before us. In doing this research and now attempting to write it all down, I'm realizing that there is a lot that I'm missing. I think about the special people that have established a way of life here in this little town that no one knows. I'm finding it hard to find the right words and it's scary.

I know now why they call them "deadlines". It's because you feel like you're going to die before you finish. It is funny. I am slowly but surely putting all my thoughts together in coherent form. I pray constantly now that I will be able to finish it. I know that there is a lot of people depending on me to finish on time. Sometimes it feels as if there is just too much pressure.

I tell myself today that I will put down everything in a rough draft. I can't worry about word structure now. I need to put it all down. My mind wanders again to those saints that have sacrificed all to make sure I have something to remember.

Taking time to pray

How often we rush about worrying about things we can't possibly fix. We try to push ourselves in too many different directions without taking any time to step back and pray. It is funny and scary in a way that we rely too much on ourselves or on the government to fix things. We are fools to think that we can fix what's broken. Maybe there is a reason that things are broken. Maybe we need to reach out to God like we did before.

How can we say that we trust the Lord when we are not willing to let go of those things that are too much for us to handle alone? How can we point fingers when we ourselves can't see what's right in front of us? My heart sometimes sickens when I realize how wrong I've been. I try and struggle to do what I feel is necessary, not realizing that I may be making things worse.

We all need to take time to pray. Once we do, then we will realize that God has us in his hands and he won't let us go.

A typical week or learning to lean on God

I haven't had a typical week for a while now. I had weeks that have taken me to the depths of despair and back to the lofty heights. I had other weeks where I didn't even know where I was going. Usually I complain about the situation I'm currently in, not realizing that in doing so that I'm deserting God. How foolish! I know I have to learn to lean on God more. It's a hard lesson for most of us....some would say it's a Western mindset, but I discount that.

I believe that we all feel that somebody owes us something. We walk around oblivious to the world around us. Who can we blame for our inattention? We rush, and don't stop to look at what we are doing to ourselves and the people around us. I guess that is why I've always had a fascination with time and loved time travel stories. You see in time travel stories the main character has no choice but to stop and look around him or her at the strange new (old) world around him/her.

You have to lean on God. It's impossible to lean on anyone else. I am learning that I can't depend on the people around me, nor can I really depend on myself. I need that anchor even in a typical week.

Viruses and Other scary things

I recently went through what I like to refer to as a scary situation in regards to my computer. I was doing some research on-line for my book project when all of the sudden my computer acted like it had a mind of its own. It closed down, went back up and seemed to laugh at my frustration. I was lucky. I have a "computer whiz" for a little brother who looked at the problem and found the solution.

What I thought was a virus was actually a lesson to be learned. I am still learning it. I am grateful to everyone who listened and calmed my fears. Some would tell me that I was being silly. I needed to step back and take time to listen. Once I did that, the scary things seemed to melt away. I think the hardest thing to do is not let the hard stuff weigh you down.

It is kind of funny. Everyone tells me "Good Luck" when what they are really telling me is that they don't believe I can do it. At least that is what I hear. I have to get past this, focus on the work and tell myself that I can do it. If I don't do it, who will? I can't let my fears of the scary things around me drag me in. I just can't. I have to trust God to work out his plan for my life.

Best Friends

Best friends are always there for you. They listen when you're feeling blue. They build you up and make you feel worthy. I have a best friend, who has been with me since we were little kids. I can vaguely recall the first time we met as 10 year old girls. She was a tomboy....me not so much...but I got my love for nature from her. I remember how we explored the woods near Collingdale Park. We didn't find much there, except for refuse.

Best friends give good advice. They know you better than you know yourself. They are always willing to go to "bat" for you. They are your greatest cheerleader and closest companion. Sometimes you get into fights with them, but they never last long.

I do thank God for my best friend.

Upsetting changes and upheavals

I came back from vacation well rested, only to find that things changed radically while I was gone. It was hard that first week to find my footing. You tell yourself that things will settle down. You try to comfort the people around you. It doesn't work. You drift, dreaming of better days. When will they happen, you ask. You wonder if the upheavals in your personal life are just a reflection of the upsetting changes that are happening all around you. You have to stop. Focus on one thing. Breathe and look around you. Then the upheavals in your life will start to make sense

I can tell my parents are upset. They are understandably worried about what you know who will do next. Will they have their Social Security or will you know who take it away from them? It's all too much to handle. Yes, I'm understandably upset too. I don't want to be out on the street either, as far too many of my fellow citizens are. I see them daily as I walk the streets of the city. Their faces reflect the pain those changes have inflicted on them. I pray daily not to be like them. I don't know if I would be able to handle that big of an upheaval.

I have to remember that the Lord is in control, otherwise I will go completely insane with worry and fear. I need to remember that the future is in God's hands, not in you know who's hands.

Time's promise

Funny when you think about all the times you promised to do this or do that and it never came to pass. You try in your own way not to stress yourself out. Maybe this is why sometimes you feel like screaming. You know you boxed yourself into a corner. You want to please everyone, even though you know you can't. It is scary. You pray that everything will go according to plan. You didn't want to wait in that train station for five hours.

Oh, Lord...it is hard to trust you. It is the best thing to do. If you don't trust God, then life has no meaning for you. You wallow in your own self pity, denying existence. Foolish! When will you see who is in front of you waiting for you to stop kidding yourself! You exist because God placed you here. In you is the promises that time brings to fruition. So buck up, pray without ceasing and trust God that he will do what he promises to do.

Why can't I let go and let God? Why do I struggle so within the confines of time and space? I want to bend it and mold it to my specifications. Fool! Don't you know that only God has that control? Satan and his minions will try, but will not succeed. Praise God for that!

God is good

This past week has been a "nail biter" for me. Last Tuesday's blog I mentioned the earthquake, and this week I have to mention the hurricane that swept through the area. Thankfully we didn't suffer any major damage, but my heart still aches for everyone that has. I had to keep reminding myself that God is good. I know this. I tell myself this every day. Yet sometimes I get overwhelmed by circumstances that I forget this.

I did have some good news too. My project has been green lighted, and things are looking up. It's still going to be a whole lot of work. I have a lot of pictures to round up from various sources. Having the contract in front of me makes it real. It is a little scary too. I guess anything new is. You see that there is still a long road ahead, yet can't see the end.

There is an end. God is good.

Earthquake-What is the world coming to?

Wow! My heart jumped out of my chest when I felt the floor move beneath my feet. Luckily I wasn't alone. Thousands of my fellow citizens witnessed the feeling. Some thought that this was it. Others, like myself, knew it wasn't true. It was strange to feel the earth move like that. Living on the East Coast, we don't experience those tremors. Thankfully it wasn't serious enough to cause major damage, but it could have been.

What is the world coming to? Is it like my co-workers says a sign of the Last Days? I don't know, and wouldn't want to speculate on it. I was glad I was there to comfort one of my co-workers. Sometimes I am anxious to see the Lord. Yet when I think about what he will see, then I get nervous. I know I am unworthy of his love. I know I haven't done all I can do to witness to others about his great love for them.

Like my father said when I called to check on him, "God is in control." I have to keep telling myself that as I look at the pictures and worry about the hurricane heading in our direction. I'm admittedly scared. It is a normal reaction to stuff you can't control. Yet, I know in my heart that the Lord will take care of me. He always has.

Dwelling in the Past forfeits the future

Can we learn from the past? Are we bound to repeat mistakes that we should have avoided? All good questions, but what do we think about when we study the past? Some would assume that we dwell on the bad stuff, not realizing the good beneath it. Others tell us that dwelling in the past forfeits the future. Maybe it does. We get so focused on what's gone on before that we neglect what's in front of us. That's a huge problem. We can't dwell on the past. We have to move on from it, taking the lessons we learned and applying them.

Some politicians are guilty of dwelling in the past. They tell us that things will go back to what they were before. It's not true. Things will never be the same again. It is God's will that we move on. We can't focus on the past, nor can we wallow in the pit of despair. Yet, some want us to do just that. They tell us daily that the world is falling apart all around us. They tell us that we're doomed, and that if we don't do what they tell us to do...then we're in for it.

I can't believe that. I have to believe that God has a plan for me. I have to believe that he is going to provide for me as he has always provided for me. If I don't, then I'm lost. One thing I have learned is that somewhere along the way we've lost respect for God. We treat him as common, when in fact he isn't. I shudder to think about what will happen once God decides that he has had enough. I pray that he will do as he says, and save his own. I also pray that I will be counted among them.

The Sky is falling-Look out below....

Yes, the world has changed this past week. We averted the debt crisis to find ourselves in an even bigger, deeper hole. Even the heavens seem to be getting in the act. Some say that the sky is falling. We're all running around scared. Why? I often wonder if it's all an act. I suspect that it's so. It kind of scares me when I read about the big up and down of the market and how it will and has affected us. Look out below, I hear them say. Yet, I hang on. I can't close my eyes to the turmoil all around me. I know that even nature has gone wild. I have to hang on. Why? Because I'm needed. Isn't that what it's all about? To feel needed? To have a purpose in life?

Yes, the Lord has his plans. His ways are not mine, and I'm grateful that this is so. I know that he is in control. I can't stress out about what's happening around me. I know that he will deliver me from the evil ones. Some days I wish it could be now, but then I look at my little niece and wonder what she will become and what her world will be like.

I can't fathom bringing a child into this world. Maybe I'm being selfish, or maybe I'm not. I think about what's happening and the debt that presses ever closer. Will her world be like today's or will it revert back to the stone ages? Some are predicting that.

We're still here-or crisis averted for now

All of us breathed a sigh of relief when the bickering stopped. We still hold our breaths on what will happen next. Yet I know God is in control. He always has been and he always will be. I sometimes wish I could predict what's going to happen. I can't. Maybe that's a good thing. I realize that it is better not to know. You can get so overwhelmed by it all that you lose track of what's really important.

Over the next few weeks, months we will discover a new world. With everything that has been happening, there is bound to be some major changes. None of them good, I fear. Will we survive the next crisis? Only the Lord knows.

I told my family that I am fortunate to still have a job for now. Sometimes I feel that someday they "the powers to be" will decide to let me go. Other times I know that I'm still needed where I'm at and that makes me feel good.

I know that God is leading me. I won't be afraid.

Time is running out-The sky is falling....

The politicians and media are whipping up the perfect storm. Pressure to resolve the looming crisis is mounting. What can we do? Nothing. Time is running out. We can't wait any longer, they tell us. Why? I watch them scurrying to and fro trying to outdo each other with messages of doom. The sky is falling, the media says. I look up and see God. I know he is in control. I am totally amazed at his wondrous love and patience with me. He knows me better than I know myself. I can't panic over what the politicians and media are saying will happen next week if the crisis isn't averted in time. I have to trust in the Lord, and know that he holds everything in his hands.

So, what now? Do we, like fools, let the world lead us into a depths of despair? No. We trust God whatever happens. We lean on him, and not the government. We look up, not down...even if time does run out and the sky does fall.

Roll back time or can we do over?

It's funny when you look at something and realize that somehow, someway, something happened that you least expected. You try to reason it out. There is no reason of it. Sometimes you just want to do it over. Unfortunately time isn't a loop. Time isn't circular, but linear. The only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes, pick ourselves up and move on. I told myself that at least a thousand times. I know the malaise and resentment that permeates the whole country at a time like this. They don't realize that God is in control. Everyone wants that control. Are we all fools? Yes.

Lord knows us. He knows our stubborn wills that want control of everything. Once we get that control, we long to roll back time. I've been thinking about that a lot. I know a big part of my personality is that sense of control. I can reason it out, telling myself that it's only assurance that I will not be left behind. Yet I fool myself with this thinking. God's control is a lot better than mine. I can trust him, not myself.

So, I will thank the Lord and praise him for his many blessings. I will let go of my doubts and fears and place them in his capable hands. Only then will I be able to roll back time and do over those things that honor and extol his name.

Grateful for time and expectations of heaven

You probably think this is a weird title for a blog. Yes, I am grateful. I can't help but be so, even in the midst of all the chaos surrounding us in this world. Here's why: I know that none of us think of time as something solid. We tend to think of time as expendable and rightly so. We waste it. We try to hold onto it with both hands. We can't. All we can do is watch and wait. Some of us feel helpless. Yet in the midst of all this, we can be grateful to God. Again, you may ask, why? Because God holds everything in the palm of his hands. You can't predict what's going to happen tomorrow, but God knows. So I can be grateful for time, because God works through time.

At times like these, I ponder what the word of God says about heaven. I wonder what it will be like and sometimes wish time would speed up, so I could go there. Other times I'm grateful for the time I have here. I know that the Lord's time is perfect, and that he has a plan for me. I may not know it. I may struggle with the circumstances I find myself in. Yet even in the midst of that struggle, I have the assurance that God is there beside me. I do have some expectations of heaven.

Freedom to be-Time to be thankful

Yes, we celebrated another 4th of July yesterday. Did we think, however, of the freedoms we lost? Or were we too busy thinking of what's in front of us? Yes, we definitely need to wake up. What, you may ask, do you mean by that? I mean that we need to realize once and for all that we all have the freedom to be. No one has taken that freedom away from us. We should be thankful that we live in a country, so far, that hasn't denied that right. We aren't. We focus too much on the gross and the mundane, forgetting the sacrifices made.

I listened. I wept for those who would distort the truth. I wanted to scream for those that were denied the right to be. I didn't. Instead I walked away. I knew that the truths the founding fathers tried to convey to us were truly lost. Why? I don't know. I couldn't help thinking as the words of the Declaration of Independence were read that we are no better off than we were then. Did the people that listened to those words 235 years ago feel that the writer had captured their feelings? Or were some of them angry that those words should be spoken out loud? I knew from what I read that some were angry enough to make their voice heard. Would I stand up? Would I let my voice be heard?

Could I let it go? No. The freedom to be is too strong to be denied. It is a basic right and a solemn promise. I'm guessing those founding fathers felt the same way, just they also, as I do, focus their love and attention to the One who deserves it....The Lord.

Still Thinking about the future

You know when you hear all around you of the sad tidings, you get the feeling that the future is going to be pretty grim. Then you hear some beautiful organ music, and you can tell yourself that there is still some good in the world. Today I had the chance to observe some people in action. I told them and myself that I was only observing. Some day though I know I will have to step out, make some painful choices and go where the Lord wants me to go.

I can sense the struggle and itch to help. I know I must curb my tongue. It's hard. I caught myself speaking when I should have remained silent. Yet, how do you know when to speak up? I was nervous. I felt a little lost. I thought about my future. I thought about what I observed. I was glad to be an earpiece or sounding board. I definitely want to help. I just not sure how.

Strange times-What will happen next?

As the title suggests, I had a strange week last week. I am slowly but surely getting used to my demotion. In some ways I feel like a huge weight has been taken off my shoulders. I am in the same "boat" as my former employees except they have a site to call their own. I don't like the position I'm in. In fact, I prefer to have some stability. Yet I know we live in strange times, when the people that are supposed to help end up sounding like they're backpedaling. I realize that for all the pretty words they don't know what's up. Yes, they do try to get you to agree to your changed situation and tell you it's not a demotion. Funny....I can't help but think that it is.

Dad and I are busy doing our projects, trying in our ways to sort through the craziness and outright lies. Strange times when hard work and perseverance gets a cold shoulder and laziness and greed are rewarded....Yet, I know all things will eventually right themselves. Truth will prevail.

Dreaming for the future, Digging in the past

I've been doing a lot of research this past week as part of a major project that I'm undertaking. Some of it is fascinating, and some not so fascinating. I have to admit that digging in the past has made me think more about the future. I wonder what people will think of my work here. Will they appreciate it? Will they take away anything from learning about the past? I don't know. I hope so.

I get excited when I discover something new. As I told so many people this past week, I'm doing this because I believe that it should be done and that there should be one record, if possible, of everything in the small town I grew up in. Maybe some will think that I'm crazy. Why are you putting yourself through this? I have to smile. I'm dreaming for the future and wishing that those that come behind me will know how I lived and how the others before me lived.

Right now I'm not sure what will come of all of it. I feel I must do it though, because I feel called to do it. Yes, it does get me away from my current work situation. I am grateful for that. It also makes me feel alive and needed.

Time to reflect on life

I spent the last two days sorting through the accumulated junk in the attic and my room. It is hard to believe the stuff I held onto for so long. I wondered as I dug through the boxes what I was thinking when I decided to save the stuff I saved. Maybe I thought it had some value. Maybe I was going to use it for research. I don't know. I finally decided that I needed to get rid of it all. There is still a lot to do. I know this. I know that I still have a lot to do with my project as well.

I am glad for this time to reflect. I realize that time is fleeting, and you definitely have to make the most of it. I can't let myself get bogged down by the negative news and strife that swirls around me. I have to focus in on the positive, knowing that I am not alone. I can make a difference.

Lord knows who I am. He knows me better than I know myself. I will continue to believe that this time of reflection will yield good results. I will be energized to do whatever the Lord requires me to do. I will lean on him, knowing that he has my best interests at heart. I will not yield to the bitterness that has threatened to overtake me. I will not complain when it seems that everything is falling apart around me.

I am blessed. I know this completely, and I do thank the Lord.

Perception of Reality-A Wake Up call

Reflecting back on yesterday, I realize the tremendous sacrifice made by those who served in harm's way. I wasn't in harm's way when I served back in the 1980's, yet I can still relate to their experiences. I know the feeling of being so far away from everything and everyone you know. I know the pressure put on young shoulders to perform. Sometimes the perception of reality doesn't match up with the raw reality of seeing it yourself. Thankfully I've never experienced the pain and loss that so many of our young soldiers have. It is definitely a wake up call when you realize for the first time that the young woman or young man standing so proudly next to you could be in the line of fire.

One young woman spoke of her experiences as an army nurse at Walter Reed during the Memorial Day ceremony yesterday. I saw her smiling face, and couldn't help but admire her courage. She has to deal with the emotions and the trauma of many wounded service personnel in her job. I could tell that she felt privileged to be able to help and proud of the sacrifices made. It made me wonder what I would do in her place. I know that I am squeamish when it comes to blood, and seeing all the suffering would probably make me want to run and hide. I do think we all need to wake up. Our perception is distorted if we think that our young service men and women are not giving their all. The sad part is that sometimes it seems as if it's not worth it.

Rapture-What happened?

There was too much hype. Billboards and signs graced the landscape about the time. It didn't come. Many disappointed. Many more mock. They don't understand what they consider an obsession. How could they understand? No. I don't believe there is a set time that one can know. I do believe in God's word and in its promises. I won't stop believing because the Rapture didn't happen when Harold Camping and his followers said it would. Yes, I can see what's happening because of his false teaching. Yet I can't help thinking that many grasped the shiny future Camping dangled before them. They wanted to believe. Who can blame them? Not I.

With all the destruction and desolation happening, it is no wonder that some are wishing and hoping that they will be taken away from it. I can't blame them for that either. I sometimes wish it myself. My heart aches for the hundreds and thousands affected by the tornadoes. It is frightening. You pray. You thank God that you are still alive. You watch the news and your heart sinks with sorrow and pain. Who wouldn't want to get away from that?

God's timing is perfect. You may wish with your whole heart and soul to be taken away. Then you look around you, realizing that there are still so many that need to hear the saving words and experience the hope that the Lord has given you.

Digging and revealing secrets

I am blessed. Finding so much information is heady, yet overwhelming. I realize how rich our history is as I uncover more and more. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode with all the facts. I dig deep, but not deep enough. There is so much to learn! I have to go slow and take time to "digest" it all. I am excited.

It is a scary feeling, knowing that what you're digging up will affect lives. I have to believe though that it's a good thing to know about the past. Revealing secrets can be frightening. You don't know what you are going to find once you start digging around.

Hidden treasure can be found anywhere. I realize that I need to take the time to dig through the dross that has been accumulating. Maybe I will realize that what I've tried to hold onto wasn't worth holding onto and let go. I know I need to.

Too rushed to take time to thank God

Often I find myself pulled in different directions, trying to sort things out. It's hard to stop and thank God. Yet I must. There are so many things to be thankful for and so many things that I need to go to God to answer. I know he has the answers. I sometimes wish I wasn't so rushed. It is a choice. I know that. Still I feel overwhelmed and saddened by everything that is going on. Some will probably say that this is the end.

I see them every day. Their signs anger me. Only the Lord knows when he will bring the last judgment on this old world. I can't confront them. That, I'm sure, would only add fuel to the fire. I step back, and have to thank God for the food he's providing. I can't think about what some are saying. I have to stop worrying about the "what ifs and what could be" and start praising God.

My heart bleeds for the ones suffering through the massive floods in the mid west part of the country. I feel torn in two by those who are picking up the pieces of their lives in the South. I know we have been blessed here. I know that I need to stop and thank God for his protection and provision.

Busy time

Feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything that is going on. It has been a busy time for me. I haven't had too much time to reflect and step back. Maybe that's a good thing. So many bad things happen you can't really fathom all of it or make any sense of it. My heart aches for the people in Alabama whose houses and businesses were totally destroyed by monster tornadoes last week. Then an evil nemesis met his doom on Sunday. I can't say that I'm sad or joyful. I wasn't personally affected by his actions. He will have to account for them with God. I think that is the whole point. So many of us don't understand. They rejoice in the moment.

I can't. Too many have lost their lives. Too many will forget, thinking that now that the nemesis is dead that things will go back to what they were. Yet I know they won't. I have a feeling that we have let the "genie" out of the bottle with this death. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am.

There is reason to celebrate. It is the same one we've had all along...that God cares enough for us to send his son to die in our place. That he cares enough to raise him from the dead and listen as he pleads for our souls. That the Lord will bring us home to be with him. That I can celebrate...because his promises are true.

Resurrection and a time to reflect

That word brings a lift to my heart. After a long and somewhat bitterly cold winter, it is time to resurrect the old and watch with a light heart the changes occurring all around you. Some change is good. You reflect on the many blessings you have been given. You realize that God didn't have to send his son to die in our place. Instead he could have ignored us completely and left us as "dead" and "buried" in our sins. So you resurrect the old songs, reminding you of that long ago day when the sky turned black as sackcloth. You can't forget. Sometimes you would like to forget. Sometimes when it feels as if the whole world is weighing on your shoulder, you want to hang it up.

You don't. Instead you embrace the blessings the Lord has given you. You move past the anger and disappointment in your fellow man. You forgive them, as the Lord has so graciously forgiven you. You know you don't deserve his forgiveness and love. He gives both freely. The only cost is your life.

Rain-A time to weep or rejoice?

Rain falls. You wish for it to let up. You don't get your wish. You wish harder, looking at the gloomy sky and feeling the chilly wind rip the umbrella out of your hand. You want to curse the wind, but wait a minute. Remember that old adage...April showers bring May flowers. Look around. Take a deep breath. See the purple and green peeking out of the ground. The trees are glowing with their glorious blooms....Smell the perfume of the flowering trees....so beautiful.

It is worth it. Rain and storms clear the air. You wait patiently for the sun, hoping its rays will dry the ground. Forget your worries about the flooding waters. Instead hang your hopes on the One who holds everything in his hands. Rejoice, I say...rejoice. New life is coming from the old.

Digging into the past-An adventure unfolds

You know it's funny. You get a little nudge that tells you that you have to take a risk. You don't want to...You think someone else will do it. Yet you feel restless and out of sorts until you take that risk. Maybe nothing will come of it. Yet you know you must try. You can't ignore that nudge that tells you that you should take that risk.

Then you do. Your stomach sinks. You hold your breath waiting for something to happen. You wonder about all those before you that felt the same way. Digging in the past can be scary. You never know what you will find. Maybe good things...maybe bad...but whatever you do...You can't stay still. An adventure awaits you.

Is it Springtime or Am I still dreaming?

Funny how you look and see the crocuses sprouting up and the yellow flowers peeking out, only to feel a cold blast of air hit you in the face. You know it's spring, but it feels like winter. Mother nature, some say, is fickle...especially in March. You can have one day when it feels almost like summer. Then the next day it feels like winter...and you can see the snow falling!!! I know I'll be glad when the weather settles down. It's no fun to feel as if you can't really go without a coat, even though the sun is shining. Yet...then you have those days when you just have to leave the coat behind...and you want to...because you don't feel like carrying that heavy coat around with you.

Could I be dreaming that it's spring? No. The calendar says it's spring. We turned the clocks forward to embrace the longer days and shorter nights. Yet it feels like winter. I imagine the snow under my feet...some of us don't have to imagine it...it's still here. I do love spring. I love the feeling of renewal and seeing the trees and bushes start to bud.

Growing pains-A time to be born

I have been experiencing a lot of growing pains lately. I think the main reason is that I haven't been able to reconcile things with some people that will remain nameless. I do long to do this. I struggle daily to try to resolve the issues that seem to plague our relationship. I'm learning that sometimes you just have to let go and let God work in them.

It is hard. Some would even suggest that it's almost like being born. You come into a new environment fraught with new experiences and sensations. Some are bad. Some are good. You feel like you're being pulled, and you don't like it. In some ways, every day is like this. You sense that something is happening both externally and internally. You long for the days, long since past when you felt you were on stable ground.

My heart aches for those whose world has now been turned upside down. None of them had a choice.

Unexpected time of reflection and grace

When the news hit about the earthquake and tsunami last Friday, my heart stopped...not literally, but everyone knows that feeling. Luckily or unluckily, I didn't have to sit and watch it on CNN as the tragedy unfolded. I was spared, by God's grace, from hearing it over and over again. Instead I was able to reflect and pray for the thousands affected by it and are still being affected by it.

I was also reminded of God's grace on Friday when I volunteered to work on Sunday. I could have said no, and maybe should have...but I didn't. I reflected on the Lord's words, and showed in a small way that I was willing to sacrifice that time to do what needed to be done. I know that there will be time, maybe soon, that I will again be called to sacrifice. Will I be willing then? I can't answer that now. I just have to go step by step and day by day. I do thank God for what he has done for me.

I hope, but can't press, that I will find listening ears and open hearts to the words the Lord has given me to write and say. I can't stand still...but maybe I need to....so I can listen to a baby's cry and a wounded heart.

A time of reflection and hope

I passed my 2nd year anniversary last Monday. You probably think it's weird to reflect and remember a site's closing, but I do. Like many of you, my life has changed in some significant ways when I heard the news about the markets that cold October day in 2008. I believe that news did impact what happened to me in February 2009. You see it wasn't just me that was affected. I had 2 people under me that were summarily let go. Fortunately or unfortunately I wasn't. Yet the site still closed, and the work that I did there ceased. Ever since I've been floundering and floating. Some say I should be grateful to have a job, and I am. Yet I still miss the solid feeling I had and the sense of accomplishment I felt for a job well done.

I have been going through a tough time dealing with the mammoth changes going on within my company. It seems as if they want to anger their employees, making changes that rip what was good out and put what is not so good in. Why? I don't know. Maybe it all goes back to what happened that dreary and cold October day when I felt my world collapse around me.

There is hope. I have to tell myself this or go crazy. I see that hope when I look in the faces of my employees. I have six now, but am not sure how long I'll have them. I feel I need to fight for them while I still have them, and help them if I can.

The first signs of Spring-a new beginning

I love when the ground awakens after a long winter with new sprouts of green. I love hearing the birds chattering in the trees, seeming to sing after a silence that seemed to be forever. Yes, I love the feeling of seeing new life and the smell of the rain after a shower. It is a time of new beginnings, some are painful. You have to say goodbye to the old stuff and embrace the new. Yet, if you are like me, it gets harder and harder each year to let go. That's where the pain comes in. You resist the new ways and look. You want things to remain the same, even though you know that it can't. Change happens.

I faced the changes before. Some changes, like the budding of a flower, are welcome. You get excited for those changes to happen. Sometimes you even long for those changes. Other changes are not welcome....time of life changes come to mind. You dread the feelings that sometime overwhelm you. You want to turn back the clock, but you can't. I have been thinking a lot about certain changes, struggling to accept them and move on with my life. I know I need to think of what's happening as a new beginning for me. That's hard. I can thank God that he never changes, and that he is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Return of Winter? Or the Last Gasp

Winter returned today with four inches of snow, which quickly melted in the sun. The sun felt good on my upturned face. Yet I still had to wear my hat and gloves for a time and put my boots on. I sense more than feel that this is the last gasp of winter. Soon spring will be upon us in full force. Even now I can see the sprouts of green shooting up from the ground. I try not to think about the cold that seeps through or the ice that is now forming on the ground.

I am blessed with all good things. I can be grateful for the circumstances I find myself in. I may wish to change them. Yet if I did, then what would happen? Would the people around me start resenting me? Maybe. Yet I can't help thinking that by not standing up and saying that "It won't be tolerated anymore", I'm part of the problem and not the solution. I long to do the Lord's will. My tongue though trips me up, making me tell a falsehood.

It is winter in my soul. I take one last gasp of freedom and fall into the chains of despair. I latched onto a false hope....a hope that I would stand before my Lord without blemish. I was a fool to trust in my own efforts, instead of reaching out to God. Yet I am here. There is still time to wipe out the fallacy and embrace the truth.

A taste of spring-a light shines in the darkness

Often these days you hear of all the bad stuff, and you wonder when things will change. You wish for that change. You long for that light in the darkness. Yet it seems as if it will never come. The skies tease you with their clearness and the sun warms you. You can feel the warmth seep through your bones, and get a taste of spring.

Spring will come, you tell yourself. The light will come and guide you out of the darkness. You need to wait. You know that's hard when it seems like everything is falling down around you. There is an anchor. There is a savior.

Will you believe in that anchor? Will you cling to that savior? Or will you ignore the hands that are even now reaching out? You could ignore those hands. You could let yourself wallow in the pit of despair. You are a fool if you do. You know this.

Now is the time to accept the redemption God gave us. Don't wait too long for your renewal. He can change you, and your longing can be fulfilled in him.

Friends for life

I know we all have had those kind of days. You know the ones I'm talking about, the kind of days when you just want to hide away and forget that anything happened. Yes, you tell yourself that it was just a fluke or that it couldn't be happening to you. You do your best. You figure that you can't get any lower than you already are. Then something happens. You see a light or hear a word that saves you from yourself. You know it's from God. He's using the people around you to show you that you are special to him. You can deny that you are special and continue on the downward path. You can tell yourself that no one cares. It's not true.

What is true is that you have a whole host of angels rooting for you. You have friends to lead you through this dark time. You know those days of unrest when you're feeling like a punching bag or worse. Look up. Learn to trust the one who gave you life. Embrace and rejoice with your friends for life. In all things, give thanks.

Waiting for spring- or will the ice and snow never end?

I try not to think about what could happen. It doesn't help when you hear all the hype and want to hide. You know you can't. The storm is coming. You can't wish it away or change it. All you can do is pray. Actually that is the best thing you can do. Pray that no one gets caught out in it and pray that it moves quickly. I'm guessing that you think that you can prepare for it. Maybe you think that it won't come, or you are in denial about its effects. I keep asking myself the same question....Will the ice and snow never end? Yes. You have to believe that it will.

You say you can't. You say that you are tired of waiting for spring. Yet you know that soon enough spring will come and bring warmth. I try not to think about what will happen. Instead I try to think positively, and work out what I can. I change what I can change, and let the rest to God.That is the best I can do.

Longing for Spring

I long for spring. Winter is very tiring. I used to like it. Now I don't. No, that's not right. I should like it. But I don't. Why? Maybe it's because all I see is the dirty snow that stands like a mountain on the sidewalk, not melting because it's too cold. Maybe it's because my back, arms and shoulder aches with each shovelful of snow. I am grateful that I'm not, as yet, digging out from under a lot of snow. Yet I am still tired of winter. I am tired of feeling cold. I am tired of seeing nothing but gray skies. I am tired of having to be careful that I don't fall and break a bone while walking.

I remember when I was a child. I am not now. I remember the feeling of sliding down the hill near my house on a red sled. Sometimes I do wish I could do that again. I know that I can't. Maybe that is why winter is very tiring. I long for spring. I want to see the colors and see the new life growing. It gets very depressing when you look around and everything seems dead.

A duty to serve vs a willingness to serve

Today I had the not so unique experience to be selected for jury duty. I say it's not unique, because if you count it a privilege to vote, you must also count on being selected to serve your fellow citizen. Some of us, when confronted with the choice to serve, willingly do so. We don't consider it a duty, but a privilege. Yet, you never really know if your service will be accepted or rejected. I got a good lesson in letting God have the control he has always had. I know that it was hard. At one time, during the time when the bailiff called out names, my heart felt as if it was going to jump out of my chest. I know I shouldn't have reacted that way. I know I should have let go. It's like my pastor kept trying to tell me. Stressing over things you can't control only brings you grief and tells God that you don't trust him.

Knowing that I need to have the willingness to serve is only part of the equation. I must be willing to act when it comes the time to act. I do struggle with duties and responsibilities. I know my duties to serve others, but need to find the willingness to serve them. It doesn't work when it's just plain duty that has you serving, instead of the actual willingness to serve. This means that I need to start thinking positively, and not negatively about the circumstances and place the Lord has placed me. This is my time and place, and what I do in the Lord's name reflects on him.

Numerology and Signs of the Times

I read the various posts about the significance of this day. Some would say that it is a sign that the end is near when the numbers line up like today. Of course I don't believe that. Yet I can see that there is some logic in the study of numbers and their hidden meaning. I know that some believe that there are codes in the bible that predict each and every event in time. That amazes and fascinates me. It also re-enforces that God is in control.

Just knowing God is in control makes everything bearable. I can move forward, embrace what life has to offer me and not worry about what the future may hold. I can have joy. I just have to learn to let go and let God lead me to where he wants me to go. It will take time. All good things do. I can be thankful that he is willing to be there with me every step of the way.

Welcome 2011- another year closer to Glory

2011 came quietly at my house. We opened a bottle of sparkling grape juice and toasted its beginning....No banging of pans accompanied this as in previous years. I guess we relished the quiet, which in past years would have been hard to come by. I understand now why we didn't really celebrate the coming of the new year. Quiet reflection has its place, I know. It had its place here, but not for long.

I fear that the quiet will be short lived, as the blanket of evil smothers the good all around it. Even now my ears ring with what will come. Even now my eyes smart and tear with what will come. I can't breathe for the oppressive energy dancing from the heavens. I feel its tingle on my bare skin, and shiver in anticipation. The signs are everywhere you look. Signs that the Lord will be back very soon. Will I be ready for his return? I don't know. My fears and doubts assail me. I long to see the one who saved me from myself, yet I worry that he will reject me. That is my greatest fear.

They tell me time is short, and I should make the most of every day. Yet they don't know what I go through. Am I a fool to want to see the Lord in all his glory now? Am I cowardly not to want to go through the great tribulation? No. The Lord is the master of time and space. He holds it all in his hands. We need to make the most of every day.