I kept myself busy these past two weeks. I didn't want to think about Christmas or what it would now mean. I am only now getting to the point of accepting that my parents are no longer here on Earth. They are spending their first Christmas in Heaven with my paternal grandmother who died eighteen years ago this month.
Some days are better. The heavy weight of loss doesn't slam into me then. I don't stress about what I'm going to do without them. I trust that the Lord does have my best interests at heart. I know that he loves me better than I love myself.
I don't look forward to Christmas. I admit this freely. There are some things I just can't do, like put up the tree. I do have one small tree that I decorated but haven't the heart to keep the lights on it. It is hard to even think about gifts either. I feel guilty and stressed whenever I start to think about gifts. I know that my family doesn't expect anything from me. Yet I do want to do something for them. I also long to do something to remember my parents and grandparents. I don't want to forget them like many have.
Someday I will see them again. I wouldn't wish them to come back here to this increasingly dark planet. I know that they are with the Lord. When I remind myself of the Lord's promises I can move forward in his light.
The experts say that the first year is the hardest. I have to agree. My heart does ache with the loss. Yet I wouldn't deprive them of the joy they are now experiencing in the light of God's love. God knows the pain I'm feeling now all too well. He gave his only son that we may have eternal life. It is through Jesus that we are redeemed.
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