A Requiem For My Mother

Reading back at the last post, I didn't realize that I hadn't mentioned anything about my mother. I guess I was too much in shock at the time. It did happen so fast without any real time to reflect. Even now my mind still goes back to the last time I saw her alive and moving around. I scratched her nose because it was itching when the doctor left.

I guess I didn't realize or maybe I did but my mind couldn't accept it that it would be the very last time I would get to talk to her and have her respond to me. I know now that she never really adjusted to my father's death. She was very depressed and had no real interest in life. She lamented the fact that she couldn't get out like I could.

If I were honest with myself, I would also have to admit that she was really never the same after she fell and broke her hip back in 2012. The doctors didn't replace her hip right as one leg was definitely shorter than the other by a big margin. I think I only realized this when I was in the emergency room with her that last time. Knowing this now, I realize even more how really strong she was to put up with it for so long. I also realize that I probably would have broken down much sooner and been in a wheelchair. My mom was a real "trooper." She managed to climb the stairs every day and walk to the kitchen. She was highly mobile. I really never had to worry about her.

I do have a lot of my mother in me. My mother's sisters have often confused me for her when I answer the phone. Well, I can't change my voice. I can, however, use it to glorify God. I have my mother's patience and wisdom. I am learning that I do have to be patient and wait on the Lord.

My thoughts are still all a jumble as I recall the times that she expressed her concern for my well-being. I am going to miss that most of all. It was nice to have someone to come home to and to talk to in the evening. My mom was a good listener. She also had a lot to say. She was an anchor and now I do feel a bit lost. I know she loved me.

Love does trump fear.