A Journey No one Wants To Take: Recovering From Loss

I've been noticing lately that many older people are rapidly dying off. It is almost like an epidemic. I heard of two recent deaths in the past two weeks alone. Maybe I'm super sensitive now that both my parents are gone. I don't have that support to reign me in any longer. I can't see my way past this loss. It is a journey I didn't want to take.

Yes, the experts say that the great loss I recently experienced will take time to recover from and move on. My head knows that I do need to move on. My heart though still wants to dwell in the place where my parents were still alive and relatively healthy. I think a part of me longs to rid myself of the horrible images that keep popping up. I can't seem to get rid of them.

I try now to recall the healthy pictures. Right now there is still too much pain. I do want to get past the images of my father being carried out of the house more dead than alive. I also want to free myself from the image of my mother in that hospital bed unresponsive. I can't. The more I try the more these images haunt me.

I imagine that many people have horrible images to banish. It is probably only a few privileged souls that have the luxury of not having to see the consequences of sin. Yes, that's right. I said it. The suffering that I saw with both parents is a result of sin. The blessed ones are the ones that go quickly and quietly. The image is of someone closing their eyes to sleep and never waking up. It is probably the one type of death that we all want if we're honest with ourselves. Yet there are only a few that I know of that had that type of death.

We all tell ourselves that we're in control. We're not. We don't get to choose the death we experience or the way someone we love dies. My father died a slow and painful death. My mother died relatively quickly but no less painfully.

I don't know which one I'd prefer. We don't get to choose. God knows when and where he will call us home.

A Requiem For My Mother

Reading back at the last post, I didn't realize that I hadn't mentioned anything about my mother. I guess I was too much in shock at the time. It did happen so fast without any real time to reflect. Even now my mind still goes back to the last time I saw her alive and moving around. I scratched her nose because it was itching when the doctor left.

I guess I didn't realize or maybe I did but my mind couldn't accept it that it would be the very last time I would get to talk to her and have her respond to me. I know now that she never really adjusted to my father's death. She was very depressed and had no real interest in life. She lamented the fact that she couldn't get out like I could.

If I were honest with myself, I would also have to admit that she was really never the same after she fell and broke her hip back in 2012. The doctors didn't replace her hip right as one leg was definitely shorter than the other by a big margin. I think I only realized this when I was in the emergency room with her that last time. Knowing this now, I realize even more how really strong she was to put up with it for so long. I also realize that I probably would have broken down much sooner and been in a wheelchair. My mom was a real "trooper." She managed to climb the stairs every day and walk to the kitchen. She was highly mobile. I really never had to worry about her.

I do have a lot of my mother in me. My mother's sisters have often confused me for her when I answer the phone. Well, I can't change my voice. I can, however, use it to glorify God. I have my mother's patience and wisdom. I am learning that I do have to be patient and wait on the Lord.

My thoughts are still all a jumble as I recall the times that she expressed her concern for my well-being. I am going to miss that most of all. It was nice to have someone to come home to and to talk to in the evening. My mom was a good listener. She also had a lot to say. She was an anchor and now I do feel a bit lost. I know she loved me.

Love does trump fear.

Still Trying To Process The Radical Changes in My Life

The last time I wrote in this blog I was lamenting the fact that my temporary assignment was over before I had a chance to finish it. The temporary agency called me not long after I wrote the blog to tell me that the organization still needed me. I was really grateful even though my cell phone was sacrificed after being soaked through with the rain. I was extremely fortunate that I still had my Dad's old cell phone. The phone company was able to transfer my number to his phone. Those two days that I was without a phone were brutal.

I'm working at this temporary job until the end of the month when hopefully I'll have something else lined up. I really do need sustainable work to make any radical changes and feel good about them. I am still trying to process some changes that happened over the past week. The pain is still too raw to process it online. There is a feeling of being so overwhelmed by it all.

I lean on the Lord. I know that he has my best interest at heart. I am learning daily to trust him in everything. These changes are scary. I admit that freely. Some days I do wish I could just get away from it all. Right now though I need to stay the course. I can't give up or give in to the fears and doubts that threaten to unsettle me. I can have peace.