In A Holding Pattern

Tuesday evenings are usually my time to write in this blog. Some weeks are busier than others so I put it off until Thursday evening. Other times I just don't have anything to say, so I neglect the blog entirely. I am in a holding pattern in many aspects of my life right now. I am processing so much information that it is difficult to process it all.

I do feel that I have been stuck in this now 5 year rut that doesn't seem to be getting any better. In fact it is hard to think that I've been in this precarious financial situation for as long as I have been. It is only by the grace of God that I still have what I have today. I'm positive that without some intervention I may have been out on the street or deceased. I still sometimes worry about the possibility of not being able to have a place to live. My financial situation hasn't improved any but there are some glimmers of hope.

Thinking about all the pressure and stress I've been under which has caused the now physical problems I'm experiencing has left me in this holding pattern. I wonder what is going to happen to me. I get depressed because I am no longer young. I look in the eyes of the people around me and see their pain. I want to help but feel like I'm in this holding pattern waiting for something to happen. Should I take the risks and step forward? I know I do need to move forward and release the paralysis that is dragging me down.

It is hard to know whether this time of waiting is a good thing or not. Some days I do feel helpless and alone even when others say they will be there. I want to believe that what's happening to me is a good thing. I want to trust that God has my back because I know he does. Sometimes though it is difficult to comprehend how he would even care for someone like me. Yet he does. He loved me so much that he sacrificed his only son for me. That's special....

So I wait in this holding pattern and pray for God's guidance...