Week Three-The Pity Party

It has been a particularly rough week for me. There have been some days when I felt so useless and depressed that I couldn't function. Anyone who tells you that welfare recipients are lazy or that they should just "get a job"...isn't living in the real world. The older generation, those born in the 1930s, 1940s and early 1950s, just don't have any concept of how difficult it is to find work. Some have no clue about the intense competition or the stigma that hangs on someone like me.

It is laughable in a way. I am struggling in this deep dark financial pit. Yes, I am having a pity party. I get angry when I hear old folks complain that they had it a lot tougher....or tell you to get a job...like it was easy to do. It's not.

There's a very good reason. Everything is online. Some companies even expect you to expose your SSN before considering you for a job. I've made that mistake a couple of times recently and I could "kick" myself for doing it. I am very stubborn about giving my SSN online, so these were paper files...but it still felt wrong. I wondered what ever happened to trust? Why would anyone need to run a credit check on you? It seems to me that we should go back to the way it was before...and only give that highly sensitive information on a W2 or W9 form when we're hired for the job.

I am realizing that it isn't easy for anyone. The media can whitewash it all they want...say that things are getting better...hope that everyone goes back into a coma...but it isn't going to happen. There are a lot of angry and frustrated people out there that are literally screaming for sustainable and supportive work that pays a steady income. I am one of them. I admit it. I am angry, frightened and weary with the whole situation.

I need help, but I don't know where to turn. It seems like everyone around me is going through the same things that I am. Everyone is struggling financially...and it isn't pretty. I pray for guidance and a sense of peace as I move forward.

I will stop this pity party and hope that within the next week or so, I will have sustainable income.

Week Two-Welfare Woes

I don't think it really hit me until this week that I've gotten down to accepting food stamps. I had a few people pity me. I could see the distain on their faces. I wish I could tell them that it really wasn't my fault that I got here. I know that it is. I'm still too stubborn to face the fact that I need to be more extroverted and more willing to take the disgusting jobs that no one else wants.

Something inside me still rebells at the thought. How did I get to this point? I don't know. I just know that somehow...someway I need to get out of this pit of sorrow and despair. I can't continue to wallow in it.

There are still jobs out there that I can do. I just need to find them...but I'm not sure how to do it. It is difficult when potential employers now see me as someone who is unemployable. They are wrong...of course. I have for the past four years worked voluntarily as the President of a non-profit organization. It hasn't been easy. Sometimes...just like with the job search...I felt defeated and lost.

I will continue to try to find work. I really have no choice now but to find something before my funds completely run out.

Week One of Being On Welfare

Yes, you read this right. I'm currently on welfare, living on food stamps (Access Card) and wondering when I can finally get out from under this stressful existence. It hasn't been a bad week. I learned some things I hadn't known about before I was actually in this situation.

1) Money is still tight. Access cards are not a way out. It's only a stop gap measure.

2) It is very easy to get food, but not that easy to get cash for food.

3) The stigma of being on welfare makes people look at you differently....but it's not as bad as I imagined it would be.

I will continue to struggle with this for a while as I try to adjust my thinking downward and move to find ways to gain revenue quickly and legally.

Yes, you may consider me lazy now for taking this handout. You may even be asking yourself why I haven't gotten gainful employment as yet. Believe me, I sometimes ask myself that same question. I pray for that job and for someone to give me a chance. It isn't easy being considered a pariah and untouchable because I've been out of the workforce for so long. I do fight with my inner feelings and with my relations because of this. Anyone who knows me knows that I do work hard. Yet I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here...:-(

How can I get someone to notice me and take a chance? How many others are like me struggling to get noticed and get paid for their work? I don't know. We are hidden from view and cast aside.

A New Respect For Case Workers and the Department of Welfare

I went to the welfare office today to pick up my Access Card. While I was waiting I heard about an middle-aged woman with sandals on her feet that had no access to food. I could tell that she was desperate and tired.  I heard that the case worker tried to help, but circumstances got in the way. I don't know what happened. I suspect that she got frustrated. I then saw a young mother with her two week old daughter with no place to stay. Apparently she got kicked out of the shelter. It was interesting but a bit distressing to hear those stories. I prayed for both.

It isn't easy being a case worker. You work long hours for little pay. You deal with all sorts of problems and are expected to have solutions. You don't have the resources you need to do your job. I had to smile when the assistant told me that I should pull up a desk. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.

I definitely have a goal of not staying on welfare for too long. It was necessary because of my current financial situation. I'm glad that I can do this, but sad that I have to do it. Does that make any sense? I guess in some way it does. I continue to look for ways to make money without resorting to illegal means. I tell myself daily that it will be worth it to push forward.

I will push forward. I must push forward....