Reflection and Release-A Story of Contrasts

Yup....This picture again...I keep coming back to reflecting on all that has transpired with me over the past year. I've had some unpleasant physical changes and mental changes. I've learned that I can't depend on some people. I wanted to scream at times feeling that no one understood.

I know that I can be unfeeling at times too. At least some have said that to me. It's hard not to come off that way. You have to sometimes be blunt and not keep covering things up. It does no good to say that "everything is going to be fine" or that you shouldn't worry about a diagnosis that someone you care for has received. It is foolish to deny that certain things can happen and pretend that things are good when they are not. I'm learning to release my pain and worry. I'm learning to ignore the negative news and the catty way people react to my words. I have reflected on my words. I know that the truth of them stings. People don't like hearing negative stuff or admitting that things are really not going that well. I know that I've been in denial for a long time.

Yes, I have been blunt...but I'm realizing now that it is helping me to focus oddly enough on the issues that have been brought to my attention. I am stepping away from family activities for a little while. I know that I'm not wanted....frankly I'm surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. I know they all pity me. They shouldn't....because I'm rejoicing that I am the way that I am. I can see things clearer than they can. It is not boastful to say this. The Lord has given me new eyes. I am not stuck as they seem to be...in the morass of the world.

I can release them to the world. I need to release the worries about them as well. This is difficult in my own power. I have to release them to God and let him work in their lives. They may think that I don't know God. They may deny that he has any control over my life. I know he does.

Participation and Support-How it all comes together.

It is funny when you start thinking about how you participate in different areas of life. You know that sometimes life can throw you a little curveball. The way you handle those curveballs shows how you handle life...so they say. I am admittedly a history buff. I like the hands-on tours of how things are done. The process of archiving fascinates me.

I admire people that can see pictures and do the research to put family histories together. It is definitely an art form. I appreciate the support I receive from others as I learn to let go of different facets of the organization. I know that I have been burned before by letting others take too much of the responsibility. I need their support. I understand that I have to let everyone participate in any way they can. I have to use the talents they have and combine them in such a way that it creates a beautiful picture of cooperation.

It is beautiful when everything comes together. I do rejoice to see it. There is hope and joy in seeing everyone working together on a project. I hope to make my vision a reality.

Feeling Alienated and Out of Touch

I'm reminded once again how out of touch I am when I look at this picture. Beautifully desolate with the sun streaming on an overcast sky, it is funny how people can kick you when you least expect it. To be honest, maybe I was expecting it. I never learned the lesson to be tactful in my dealings. I should have known that the feeling of alienation would continue indefinitely.

I learn daily that I do have to trust the Lord in all things. I try to do something in my own power and fall flat on my face every time. I do have to question why I've alienated half of my family, but they don't understand the daily struggles I am under either. Do I go to the next family gathering? I wonder...I know a lot of you struggle this way too. Words you meant to say get twisted somehow and you wonder if it's worth it to reconcile. I know this happened before with other members of my family...We haven't talked to each other in years. It seems simplier to let "sleeping dogs lie" than to try to explain things.

Yes, I admit I lack tact and sometimes am a bit blunt with my words. Yes, it does hurt when your words come back to haunt you....but they needed to be said. Yes, some may think that I'm bitter. I'm not....blunt but not bitter. If I say something to you, I try my hardest to temper it... I don't always succeed. It is funny. Right now I'm feeling the same anger that I felt before....You know the kind. You probably experienced it once or twice yourself. You want to scream, but you fear no one will hear you.

Do I want to do the easy thing and just give excuses not to come to a family gathering? Yes, I admit that. It would be very easy just to say "I don't want to go" and bow out. I know this is not the road I'm meant to take. I need to take the high road. I need to forgive those who maligned me in e-mails and on-line knowing that they probably thought they were doing right by me. I need to admit that my words, even though true, hurt....and learn to be more tactful. I need to thank God for the hard lessons I'm learning and not go back to the warm shell I put myself in.