Taking Time For Me: Dealing With Stress

It has been a good week for me because I am learning to listen to my body. The tremendous stress that I've been under has taken a physical toll. I have had to take a step back and analyze what I've been doing to stress myself out. These physical manifestations have given me a "wake up" call to start to take care of myself.

I still long for some time away. So I am planning on it. I have obligations, yet I'm realizing that I do need to carve out some time for me. It isn't selfish. I don't have to feel guilty for taking that time off. I know I need it. I do have to trust God that I can arrange it and reach out to others to help. I have had a good support system with my family as I dealt with my father's loss. I know that they will help me when I start to arrange that time away. It is good to look forward to something.

Everyone who has followed this blog religiously knows that I'm pretty much still in financial straits. I haven't been able to find sustainable work for a long time. It hasn't been for lack of trying, rather it has been that I've been needed to care for both parents. I really didn't realize this until fairly recently. I was putting undue pressure and guilt on myself for not being able to bring money in. It has been a slow process to forgive myself and others for the stress that unemployment/underemployment brings. I sometimes felt like less of a person because of my inability to get gainful employment.

I know that I can't continue to blame myself or the current economy for my financial status. I have to learn to accept what I can't change and pray for guidance and strength. I do have to say that I would have never met the amazing people I've met if I hadn't been placed in the situation I'm currently in. They have taught me so much about life and history. I sometimes wish that I had enough financial resources to bolster up the many wonderful historical sites and programs that are available. It does pain me when I heard about the financial woes many historical sites are going through now.

I do praise God for the many opportunities I see on the horizon. I'm not giving up or giving in to those people who continuously throw doubt and fear into the mix. I know those forces of evil would love to shut down these historical projects and tear down the controversial history. I know that money is the root of all evil. I thank God for the resources given to us freely. It is hard to give it all to God, but that is what we must do.

Reflecting on Loss and Moving On

This was the first birthday I celebrated without my Dad. I know we didn't do much. I'm not much of a "party" person but it did feel a bit weird not having him around. People do say that the loss of someone you really depended on will hurt more than the loss of someone you really didn't know. My mother's sister died a week after my father. I never met her.

Father's Day this year was rough. I am grateful that my family rallied around me. We focused more on birthday celebrations with a little time for remembering Dad. I grieved when the video my little brother took was finished. I realized however that my Dad suffered a long time. It was over a year, but the last four months were the roughest as he was confined to a hospital bed. I also realized that it was time for him to go. He had suffered enough. I do recall a couple of times now that he questioned why he was still around. God knew that he had something to do. I was taught some valuable lessons and I think the time spent with my family made us stronger.

I can't say that I'm ready to move on. Grief is a process that sometimes takes years. I know in some ways I do have to move on. I can't wallow in despair or hopelessness. God has blessed me with good family and friends.

Reflections on Life and its Purpose

One of my longtime friends lamented the fact that she was poor. She was frustrated and tired of always having to struggle just to make ends meet. She missed not being able to do some of the things she'd been able to do when she had some money. I can relate. I do miss not having to worry about whether or not I can afford to eat or if I'll have a roof over my head tomorrow.

The economy has been terrible for so long that it's really hard to accept when a small glimmer of light breaks through. Yet I have seen it. I've gotten more face time with more employers in the past month and a half than I've gotten in the past six months! I know for a fact that I have gotten more overall interviews in the past year and a half than I've gotten in a long time. I attribute this to the fact that in some ways the economy is improving. I know that there are many factors that have blocked me from gaining sustainable work. The fact that employers are calling me up even with these factors in place does tell me that the market is improving.

Yes, I am poor in some ways. I struggle with finances and worry about things I probably shouldn't worry about at all. Yet I do have friends and family that really do care about me. The testament of this care is the very much needed funds I received so I could pay some bills and the IRS. The beautiful bouquet that graced the table with my father's ashes touched me deeply. I was also blessed by the lovely plant.

I know that I touched people's lives. I know that the Lord has given me a purpose and a calling. Right now it is to do what I can to save historic buildings from demolition. By saving these buildings and repurposing them for a new use, I am in a small way revitalizing the community. I think my father would be proud of me for taking this on. He was very much a crusader himself, fighting for the rights of the taxpayers who were facing ever-increasing property taxes. He had some good ideas about healthcare reform too. Unfortunately, he fell ill before he could implement them.

Yet I can't help thinking that he did make an impact with the teacher pension issue. The battle isn't over as others have stepped in to fight. My battle isn't his though. My calling is different. I'm fighting the battle over historic preservation and open space.